awalls37

I have decided to confront my parents about all that has happened -- mostly at the urging of my counselor for me to do so. The instant I came to the realization, I've been sick with grief, I can't sleep at all now, I've been nauseous, and just all over sick. I've written separate letters to my mom and dad, and I think that I will send them in the next month. However, I also came to the decision that I can't attend my older brother's wedding reception in October, and I feel terrified to tell him about it. Andy and I have been so close, but he still lives back in Missouri and is still pretty much under my mom's wrath. I know that he is not in the same "place" as me, he doesn't really understand my anger towards them. He's slowly starting to realize that he doesn't have to suffer, but I think he has not come to understanding that what our mom did was wrong. I am so scared to tell my brother, I know he will be sad that I won't be there. I feel like I'm letting him down. When Andy and Anne first got engaged, my parents were horrible. My mom told him that she would buy them cyanide as a wedding gift, so that they could bring honor to their families. I have tried so hard (from 1,000 miles away) to show him that I was supportive and that I was so happy for him. And now I'm not going to be there. I've been tossing on this decision for months, it was so hard to make it. I hadn't planned on telling my parents how I felt for a while, but I just feel like this is the time I need to do it. I am so afraid of what will happen, it really changes everything. Maybe I'll never see them again? Even in my mind, that doesn't sound like a terrible thing. But I am so afraid that Andy will not understand, that he'll be hurt, and maybe disappointed in me? He's the only family that I may have left, and it makes me sadder than anything else to think that he will not forgive me. Thanks for listening.

chemica: You're absolutely right, I hope that you too are able to be in a new environment and live your own life. I moved away two years ago, the time I graduated from college too, and I never regret it -- I definitely think it was the best decision of my life. I look back at the life I had and what I have now, and it still amazes me how much I've grown and the type of person I have become. I often think back to who I was, and I just can't imagine what I'd be like today if I had stayed.

I can certainly appreciate what you're telling me. Most of the time, I am torn...it makes me so sad to think that I won't have parents again by cutting them out, so maybe I can deal with the punches as they come? But I am not sure that I can handle seeing them again, not for a long time. I feel so angry, more than I ever have, I don't think I can be around them. Especially now that I'm getting these anxiety attacks more, having nightmares every night, I haven't slept in months. I just can't pretend around them, I have no idea how I'll handle this reception in October for my brother's wedding. Why should I force myself to endure time with them? I get nothing out of it. In fact, I think it makes me worse. It makes me feel like I'm putting myself through it all again. My mom can't change. I haven't seen her since last November, and still every night and day, it's like seeing/hearing the same trauma in my head again and again. I think I'm more upset with my dad than anything. She treats him the same as she treats me and Andy. But he takes the abuse, and it's like he was teaching us that it was okay. And that we should be responsible for keeping her happy, because that's what he feels he has to do. He should've protected me or stood up for me! When she calls me worthless, I so needed him to at least tell me that I wasn't worthless. I can't even stand to be around my mom or to talk to her on the phone/e-mail because she is totally a class A narcissist. And she * * * * *es about everything, it really has an effect on me, you know? She seems to have such disdain for life, for other people, it makes me sick. Just the way that I feel about her...I think she's a monster, so much of the time, I absolutely feel hatred for her. I hate the way she makes me feel about myself! And that she made me think for 24 years of my life that I DESERVED to be treated bad, that I was the one who did something wrong. I don't know what to do with my anger, I just think it will grow if I see her again. I don't know how you can do it? How can you be around your mom without seeing that mean side that verbally abuses you and makes you feel bad? I think I've totally reached this point where I can't go back to subjecting myself to it, and obviously become stricken with guilt for thinking it.

I'm a bit curious about what you went through, how you dealt, since you say that we seem to have a lot in common? Of course, if you don't mind. Do you have a family of your own now? How long was it before you "distanced" yourself from the situation? Thanks again.

Thanks for your advice. I think you're right about the confrontation, when I think about what and when I'll say it, I know that I have to be in a good place. I just feel too angry and vulnerable to my mother's influence still to really be able to even handle it. I just don't know how to get past feeling so angry. I feel a lot like my childhood and early youth was *stolen* from me. I feel more angry at my dad, I feel like he could've stopped it. He often blames me for her unhappiness, and he always stood by when I was criticized and yelled at as a child. There were times when he would try to tell her that it wasn't nice, but he eventually gave up. She usually talked to him in the same way, so it was like he was "teaching" me that it was okay to be treated like that. I hate the place I'm in, I don't even know where all this came from? It started when Andy got engaged to an older woman, and my mom did an excessive amount (past her usual) of hateful remarks and actions. It infuriated me more than him I think, but it suddenly brought me to this place where I decided that something has to change. My brother and I always have believed that she was never capable of change so it's a matter of accepting it. But I refuse to settle for that anymore - and it's the saddest and loneliest feeling in the world to me to lose my parents completely. Maybe it's dramatic, but I totally feel that this point in my life, this will change my life forever. For so long I've feared being at this point, to actually stand up and say that I deserve better, because now I can't go back to seeing them, pretending that I'm happy to be there. It's like this year, I totally broke down around Mother's and Father's Day, because I honestly could not pick out a card to send b/c they all talk about "thank you for your support, for believing me" and so forth, and it just still is not true!! I don't know how things will be. But I have this strong feeling that I will never speak or see them again, maybe forever. I already feel that I've missed SO MUCH, I want to stop now and live the happiest life that I can. It often makes me cry, I never thought that I would be without family in this way? Everyone else sees this parents, their family is always there in their lives. But I can't have that, and it breaks my heart. Lately with the panic attacks, I just feel this urgent urgency to hurry and get married, get to the good stuff. I always have this huge fear (and I have the nightmares at night about it) that I will die before I get to any of the things - like marriage, being a good mom, traveling the world, etc etc. Not that I think that this stress will kill me on its own. It's more like irony..like a bus will run me over or I'll die giving child birth or something, and then never get the chance to have the big happy things that I'd always hoped for.

I know that moving away was the best thing I've ever done. I hate that I still feel guilty for so much, I still feel responsible for her, ultimately. I am still torn about whether I should write a letter to confront her? I don't even know what I'd say. I am certain that she would not change, just deny the things I say. I guess the worst that could happen is either my parents will hate me for the rest of my life or my mom may kill herself? I guess that's one worry that has forced me to "protect" her from truth and reality. But it just seems so wrong that she may go on the rest of her life (and my dad too) never knowing what the past has done to me. I'm sure they just think I'm just a selfish and ungrateful daughter that has abandoned her family for no reason. It just makes me so angry b/c I don't feel like a capable adult at times. Especially when I first moved away, I was like sitting around waiting for someone to tell me what to do. It's a very unsettling feeling. I feel like I'm afraid of everything! I really appreciate the feedback. It's so hard sometimes because I don't really know anyone who's gone through what I have, except my brother Andy. But I think he represses it all, I dont' even know that he realizes this is not healthy? I don't think he can stand to hear it when I talk to him. More than anything, he is like my dad. He just takes it all from her, trying to make her happy. I remember his parting words to me when I left Missouri, that "only our parents know what makes us happy." My boyfriend has been really great, and I do have close friends that I can talk to, but I think it's difficult because they can't truly understand that this is real, that this happened, that my mother was such a monster.

I really appreciate your comment! It helps knowing that I'm not alone. I know growing up, I never told anyone. I thought it was normal, I didn't think that anyone would ever believe me! I just feel so unbelievably angry, how could they do this to me? I used to pity my father, but I am so upset that he NEVER stood up for me. They basically taught me that this is how other people are supposed to treat me for the rest of my life. When I first started ignoring my mom's e-mails a few months ago, she kept writing and writing me, telling me that whatever reason if I was mad at her then I should let it go. I just don't see how to get past feeling this way. It's so unfair! I waited years (and still do at times) just for a kind word. Every decision I make, I feel like I'm always waiting for someone to tell me that it's okay. I feel so unprepared for adult life at times. The one memory that haunts me night to night is when I had my first car accident, I was riding in my friend's car and someone side swiped us. I had pretty severe bruises all along my stomach and chest, when I went to the ER, I was so terrified that if I called home, she would just be there to yell at me for what happened. So, I didn't tell my family at all. My friend's mother is the one that sat with me in the emergency room. She still is very upset with me about that. So, the next day I get home and find out that my grandmother died. At her funeral, my mom tells me that I should've died in her place. I still feel what I felt that day, I don't think I can ever forgive that. My mom also threatened me with a knife on quite a few occasions, especially in my teens. She still terrifies me. Ever since I was little, she used to dig her fingernails into my arm until they drew blood when I was "bad." Or pull my hair. I remember when Andy moved in with a girl in college, she broke a glass tea jug over his head. I too reached an end when I was 19, when she hit me, I came back at her and told her that I would fight back. Honestly, I went weeks without sleep, thinking about whether or not to go to this reception. But Andy is like my best friend of the whole world, it breaks my heart to not be there for him on his special day. He told me that he would understand. Often I feel bad for him, he represses alot of what we went through, he is still quite under her "wrath." I want so much to never speak to my parents again. I just don't think they can ever change. And I feel like it completely destroys my mental health, and I don't know why I should put myself through it? Thanks again for your message.

It's quite obvious that your mom is a narcissist! Believe me, I know what you're going through, my mom was and is still very verbally abusive to me. It is NOT your responsibility to carry her load. You are NOT responsible for making sure she's happy. Narcissists (you should google it, pulls up some very interesting psychology articles and tips) thrive on believing that the entire world evolves around them! So you may have to deal with the fact that she may never change. I don't know what all you've been through of course, but with my mother, she will never go behind the level of awareness and thinking that she is at, so it's really IMPOSSIBLE for her to realize what I see about her. I strongly URGE you to get the heck out while you can. This relationship is toxic to your mental well-being, so why put yourself through it? It's time for you to stand up for your future, you deserve to be treated like a human being. In your case, your mom also seems to have several deep emotional issues of her own, and it's NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to help her find resolve. It is her own personal journey and there's nothing you can do to help her reach the end of the puzzle. My mom was alway super critical of me, still is...she used name calling, told me she wanted me to die, etc. It is crucial that you realize that you're sacrificing your well-being by staying there with false hopes. You should still let her know how you feel, of course. I hope all the best for you.

Yes I have, I've been in counseling for a little over a month now. It definitely has been helping to talk to someone who can help me resolve alot of things. She tells me that I am going through post traumatic stress, which explains the panic attacks.

My story is pretty complicated, but I feel that it is important for me to cut family ties, in a sense. Right now, I haven't called or seen my parents since last November, but had been e-mailing them every week. I have decided to stop all communications for a while. My older brother's wedding reception is in October, but after that, I don't plan to go home for the holidays or anytime soon after. I have been seeing a therapist now for over a month, which has been helping. Most of what I feel is complete anger for what I went through up until two years ago, when I decided to move from home in Missouri to the Washington, DC area for my career (and the love of my life). I'll try to keep this brief...it wasn't until a year ago that I was utterly shocked with the notion that my family was not only dysfunctional, but completely toxic and unhealthy. I read this book called, "Overcoming Toxic Families," which has changed my life forever...it was exactly about my life! What I go through now is part of post traumatic stress, I still have recurring nightmares of my mom, the things she did. Everything falls under severe emotional abuse, but I also experienced minor physical abuse as a small child. She was always criticized and called me names my entire life. All I remember of her was the yelling...yelling about everything and nothing. Yelling at me like a bad child. I'm never pretty enough, smart enough, hard working enough. She thrived on me and Andy (brother) depending on her for things. She held us responsible for her happiness, to protect her for things, to pad her in own little world. Fear and manipulation were her greatest weapons. She's often told me that she wishes I were dead. Or contemplated ways to kill me with her bare hands. Even to this day, she is angry with any decision I make. She still talks to me like a child and yells at me like a child. I'm 1,000 miles away but I still feel like her prisoner. She is such a monster in my mind. I'm finally coming to feel that I don't have to put myself through it anymore. I feel so scarred for life...I'm independent yet I still feel unsure of making decisions. Sometimes I just feel so lost and lonely, knowing that I did and will never have "normal" parents like everyone else. That I will never know what a parent's love must feel like. I have panic attacks now and again. I completely fear my visit in October for the reception, I don't know how I'll react. I'm afraid I'll just collapse out of breath or something, just being in a room again with her. It's like some turning point, I just can't go back to years of pretending that everything is normal. People used to (and probably still do) look at my family as the "perfect and happy family," I don't think many would believe the stories I have to tell. I am still pretty taken up with guilt, I feel like a bad person by thinking these things about my parents. Any comments would be appreciated. Is it such a terrible thing to distance myself from them? I don't know that I'd ever tell them about all of this. My feelings have always been disregarded in the past. I don't know how I can ever force myself to be around them ever again. It makes me so sad to think about it all, and angry.