Oh god...she comes back again.

[andrew05151]

Hello everyone. I've got another twist in my story. A quick recap: I dated my ex for about 2 years, when she abruptly left me for her ex-ex, because he "makes her feel good." Apparently, I was causing too many fights and making her cry too often. I fought to keep her for a week, then I gave up and left.

 

A week later she came back to me. I was happy, I took her in right away.

 

A week later she left me for him, and told me she was "faking it." "Forcing herself to have a good time." And that we need "accept that it's over."

 

Now it's been something like 3 weeks. I lost track. But, I've really healed a LOT. I've become so much more secure, stable, and confident. She's just broken NC with me, and I'm not even getting emotional or hopeful. I kind of have a "whatever" attitude about it. Probably because I don't think it can work out right. Anyways, one of our mutual friends sent me this AIM conversation so I knew what was coming...

 

Sorry for being lame and posting an internet log, but I'm using it to analyze. She had/has no idea that this was sent to me...

 

Her: hey

Friend: hey

Her: what are you doing?

Friend: eating my lunch at work

Friend: you?

Her: heh

Her: sitting, thinking

Her: and stuff that always makes my life suck

Friend: i'm sorry, what's up ?

Her: god, so much * * * * going through my head

Her: idk, it's pathetic

Her: im pathetic

Friend: well that's not helping me help you

Friend: but

Her: haha

Her: i ruined my life and others lives and my future, for what? for me to sit here and cry and feel pain that i don't want

Friend: right but i don't know what you're talking about and that much isn't true

Friend: and if it is, it's not a permanant thing

Her: ... andrew

Friend: right but that's done and over

Friend: and he's doing well

Friend: well, better which is alot of progress

Her: oh

Her: wish i could say the same for me

Friend: Alicia all i can say is you made your choice, if you want to be with andy

Friend: don't

Friend: let him go

Friend: or he'll never grow as a person

Friend: he was leaning too much on you for everything

Her: i feel horribal

Friend: Well that's to be expected, you were with him for a while

Friend: you don't feel any better for breaking up with him

Her: i cna't do anything

Her: i can't sleep, i barely eat, every song i listen to makes me cry, i can't watch movies, i cna't even sit in my room without thinking of him and crying

Friend: right, i'll stick by my guns about what i said a while ago, if you're still confused you need to be by yourself for a while

Her: yeah

Her: id on't want to hurt chach, he thinks everything is good

Friend: ok, but you need to do things for yourself , and figure out you

Friend: before you can be with anyone else

Friend: if chache really likes you he'll understand

Friend: you can't half * * * a relationship lady

Her: iknow

Friend: it's not fair to you or him

Her: iknow

Her: i hate doing that though

Her: telling him i cna't do this anymore

Her: and i feel bad and he's upset and idk what to do

Friend: right but if you're even contemplating it

Friend: you should probably do it

Her: i just keep thinking of how much i threw away... and it kills me

Her: and that i needed him, and how stupid i am

Her: and i just....

Her: i don't want to be here anymore

Her: here, living, breathing, feeling all this pain

Friend: Alicia do you seriously love him or do you just miss him?

Friend: because no matter how much you miss someone that's not enough reason to get back with them

Her: i love him, if i didn't woudl i be crying this much, or doubting what i did or seeing him everywhere?

Friend: I guess not, just please think it through more before you act

Friend: because it will effect andrew alot

Her: iknow

Her: but it doesn't matter

Her: he wont take me back

Her: so i guess i'll just... idk

Friend: you need to just go through everything you have on your plate now, yo uhave collegestarting

Friend: and starting a new part in your life

Her: i know

Her: but i think of all the plans we had, and everything, and knowing i wont get that chance, kills me

Friend: Well here's the thing, you have to go on

Friend: or take him back completely

Her: i know

Her: i feel like the most horribal person ever, the biggest heartless * * * * * ever, and i just want him to know that i love him, and i don't want him to forget about me and us, i don't want him to have to, i don't want to have to, i need him

Friend: Lee talk to chache

Friend: this isnt' fair to him

Friend: and then wait it out by yourself

Friend: and then if you still want andy

Friend: go to him

Friend: and talk to him

Her: he wont take me

Her: he already told me

Friend: yeah they always say that

Friend: i'm not going to give you hopes about it, because maybe he won't

Friend: because he was hurt badly

Her: i know

Friend: but he still may after a while

Friend: talk to him as friends

Her: he wont

Friend: you ARE going to the same college i mean jesus

Her: he doesn't want to be my friend

Her: he doesn't want to remmeber me

Her: or us

Her: or anything we had

Her: and that kills me

Friend: Alicia do you blame him?

Her: no

Her: i don't

Her: and that's why im almost posotive that he wont want me

Her: god, i've had his box open, wanting to say something to him, but i cna't

Friend: don't, no you need to think more before you do

Friend: right now you're just emotional

Friend: I have to go though i shouldn't be online anymore my break is over

Friend: i'll talk with you later lee

Her: oh ok

 

Okay, so sure enough she leaves me a message on my away way late last night. We talk for about two hours, I act caring, yet cold. Which is how I am now. I do care about her, but I believe I'm finally fallen out of love. She tells me she will "do anything for me" to "prove that she loves me and always will" and that she's so sorry and regrets it all and she threw away her life.

 

I don't really take this seriously...she'll just hurt me again, I'm sure.

 

But, I did agree to see her today, at the spot we had our first date. I don't intend to be emotional, or affectionate. I'll give a hug, but I don't think I'll give anything more than that. I think I'll end it by telling her that she needs to stay single for a while to sort out her problems and build herself back up, because right now she's an emotional mess and we're only setting back up for disaster.

[Iggy5129]

You are being smart. You both definitely need time to see that it was probably just a first love thing. You are both still young and you can't say that you will be together forever yet, especially starting college and all that. College changes you a lot. I had a similar situation when I started college, I desperately wanted my ex back but once I got to college I made new friends and got my own life and things worked out for the best. I now realize that we weren't really in love the way you are supposed to be when you are going to be together forever it was more of a best friends type of love. Three weeks is definitely not enough time to really sit down and think about what you need. It is best for you both to figure yourselves out and then see if you want to get back together. But I would give it at least 6 months if not longer. Good luck!

[iceman85]

Thats great Andrew, stay strong, she fooled you twice already. Who knows if she is being legit this time or if she is just having a bad night. Just take it slow with her and dont jump at her feet again. She made things really bad she has to repair what she did if she even has a chance to get back with you.

[andrew05151]

Yes, exactly. I can't buy into her game, I won't do it again. I won't let her trap me in her web. I'll feel the situation out today, and report back in here.

 

I was thinking, assuming she really does want me back this time...maybe we'd just go out on little 2-3 hour dates once a week, maybe twice. To let the situation slowly grow, so it's not only me she knows...she'll have plenty of time to go out and do her own thing....yet, I won't be totally gone, either. Just an idea I had...

[kellbell]

Hey Andy,

 

From the sound of her chat log, she is more upset with the fact she has hurt you and overwhelmed with guilt more than anything. In turn, it is causing her to second-guess her decision. Guilt a big reason why people stay together in unhappy relationships and why people cave in to taking the person back. IMO, a person would never break up with someone he/she loves. Twice for that matter. She is confusing guilt and drama with love.

 

Stay strong and if I were in your situation, as hard as it is, refrain from looking at her chat logs. It is doing you no favors. Keep looking forward and keep healing. There are other girls out there.

[tylercdurden2004]

First, be honest you still feel for the girl and a part of you wants to get back with her you are just looking for reassurance she wont hurt you again. Acting caring yet cold isnt going to bring her back the way you want her back.

 

Second, sounds like to me she is going through a difficult time and is having trouble living with her decision. That whole MSN just sound like she is unsure thats all. She is feeling a bit of guilt for hurting you which is normal, and she is feeling major uncertainty about her life. Problem is if you stick around to be the only certain thing in her life you will get hurt. I personally would tell her to call you when she has sorted herself out.

[andrew05151]

It sounds good on paper, but putting it to practice, that's a whole other game...for me, when someonen says they need me, when they want me around....I'm not the type that can turn them down. It makes me feel terrible. I'm not going into this with positive expectations, I'm not going to try to progress anything. I'm just going to be there, I'll talk, I'll be nice, I'll just be me. Whatever she does with it...it doesn't matter to me at this point. I'm going to keep living like I have been. I'm going to keep going out all the time, flirting with other people, making new friends. I'm not letting her suck me down. But, I don't want to turn her down, either. Do you really think I am doing the wrong thing?

[tylercdurden2004]

It sounds good on paper, but putting it to practice, that's a whole other game...for me, when someonen says they need me, when they want me around....I'm not the type that can turn them down. It makes me feel terrible. I'm not going into this with positive expectations, I'm not going to try to progress anything. I'm just going to be there, I'll talk, I'll be nice, I'll just be me. Whatever she does with it...it doesn't matter to me at this point. I'm going to keep living like I have been. I'm going to keep going out all the time, flirting with other people, making new friends. I'm not letting her suck me down. But, I don't want to turn her down, either. Do you really think I am doing the wrong thing?

 

Only you can answer whether its wrong or right. By that I mean really look at your intentions, be honest wiht yourself. Do you have any hope of getting back together? If so then I would recommend distancing yourself from her.

 

One thing you may come to learn through your life is that everyone who asks for help may not really need your help, they may have alterior motives. In the case of your ex you have to ask "Does she really need or want your help or is she just keeping you close to have someone to fall back on."

 

While helping everyone is great in theory the fact is we have limited time and resources and those should be spent on helping people who are needing the help and who are open to it. She is a big girl now and like everyone is going through a period of life where she has significant changes happening and the resulting anxiety that change bring. This is for her to deal with not you. She lost that benefit when she dumped you. If she wanted to be with you she would. It really is that simple.

[rnorth]

I think her friend gave her sound advice.

 

I don't like the word "need" as a foundation for a relationship. Missing someone or wanting someone is much more healthy. Sounds like you are there in terms of realizing you don't need her anymore. But she thinks she may need you which is unhealthy. If she says that she wants you, that is a different thing.

 

A cooling off period sounds healthy.

[andrew05151]

Well, I kind of thought this was a cooling off period. We used to see eachother like every day, and she was very clingy before. Too clingy, really. Yet, when it was gone, I missed it terribly.

 

At this point I think I'm mostly over it all. I'm not getting emotional like I used to. What are my intentions? I don't know...do I want her back? I don't know. I need to see her and find out for myself...if I still feel it. But actions speak louder than words...if she can manage to live out the summer without getting involved with anyone else, that would mean something to me. She's an attention * * * * *, after all. She hasn't been without a boyfriend since 10th grade, and right now she's single. That kind of means something, I guess.

 

I don't know...I don't see a No Contact period being beneficial at this point. I want to be there for her, but I don't want to be there as a boyfriend. She knows she can always lean on me when she's in trouble, I told her that even when we did break up. I told her I won't be her friend, but I will be there for her if things get too hard for her to handle alone.

 

She's used to being with me almost every day, she's used to my affection and love. If she talks to me, I'll talk to her. If she wants to go out, I'll go out for 2 or 3 hours, but I'll limit that to once a week or so. I think that's cooling down, isn't it?