Questions about marriage

[Scotcha]

I don't have men coming in and out of my home. The only man I have ever lived with was my husband (now ex) who is my son's father. I dated a few others before I met my boyfriend. My son has never met them. It was 6 months before I was comfortable with my boyfriend spending time around both my son and I. We have plans to move in together late next spring. We will have been together for almost three years by that time. Men just simply do not come in and out of our home and it was not my implication at all that I think such things would be acceptable. (I did say that I believe marriage should be in the future) I can't say that we won't break up before marriage. I certainly hope not. But I don't think that having a child destins me to being single because of that risk. I've done my best and that is all I will ever continue to do.

 

Regardless, I don't feel it is improper at all to live together before marriage. You can learn a lot about someone by living with them like other posters have brought up. If both people feel comfortable with it there is not a thing wrong with it. And if the couple doesn't feel comfortable with it, well, there's not a thing wrong with that either. Each couple has to do what they feel is best for their relationship.

[redrose85]

I lived with a boyfriend in the past. We lived together for about two years and were engaged. That is a big long story I won't get into now. Anyways, my bf and I know we will be married someday, and we've decided that we will not live together before marriage. I just do not want to live with him before marriage, and he agrees. I want to be old-fashioned this time around. But, I'm not totally clueless as to his style of living, how he acts at home, etc... I know that he can't stand it when I get out of the shower and walk around the house dripping wet (bad habit) and I know that he forgets to do laundry, but he does clean his place at least once a week, and doesn't scramble to clean up when I come over. We spend weekends together mostly, just normal, casual weekends as if we already were living together or married, so I think (I THINK lol) I have a feel for how he will be. I just feel that this is the right choice for us, and it will all work out. Whatever will be will be

[helpme2]

not that it's any of my business, but I don't think it's wise. A study out of Yale (gotta find the link) says that couples who live together before getting married are 80% more likely to get a divorce.

 

I didn't live with my husband before I got married to him, but it was more for religious reasons.

 

Okay, I can't find my actual link to the article, but link removed is a story that quotes part of it with references at the end.

 

Like I said none of my business, but I personally would advise against it.

[lonestar_80]

That was a great article. I think that 25 years of research on this subject is much more valid than the opinions of people that are blinded by love right now.

[amazing_wierdo]

If couples choose to live together than I wish them the best of luck. For me, I invested a huge amount of time, effort, etc and it was all for nothing. Since there was no marriage, there was no real commitment. The whole thing fell apart in the end. It is like going to a bank after investing in it for years and finding out that it is bankrupt. I won't attempt to "play house" again.

 

For my ex and myself things were either "hers" or "mine." Nothing was "ours."

[RayKay]

That was a great article. I think that 25 years of research on this subject is much more valid than the opinions of people that are blinded by love right now.

 

Hmm, so those whom are in 'common law' relationships are blinded by love? I would highly disagree with that. I am no more blind to the realities of my relationship, or my commitment, than someone whom is married.

 

Even research is flawed, as I mentioned previously, there are some serious "flaws" in the research that most researchers would easily be able to say lead to invalid conclusions. Just as with anything, not only does WHOM does the research matter, but so does the control groups and WHAT they are looking for.

 

As I said before, it depends on WHY you are choosing to cohabitate, what your beliefs in marriage and divorce are, and how prepared you are for the realities of marriage and/or cohabitation.

[Dako]

Some of us follow our hearts through life instead of statistics.

At least that's my approach. YMMV.

[RayKay]

Some of us follow our hearts through life instead of statistics.

At least that's my approach. YMMV.

 

I also think along the lines of if you really believe that your relationship will end in divorce if you live together first, or you choose not to live together first because of that fear alone....it's probably a very good sign that maybe something is amiss in the relationship itself. And living together or not living together beforehand will not change that.

 

In a relationship that is truly committed (ie true "marriage" occurs BEFORE an actual ceremony) living together before or afterwards will not take that away from it. It's all about what two people put into it, and I have seen married people with far less commitment and respect towards their couple bond than ones whom did "live in sin".

[gersanos]

Hello,

 

Both links are good, and I see arguments for and against. Regardless if it leads to divorce or not, this much is true:

 

cohabitation engenders somewhat more liberal attitudes toward divorce

 

That's a pretty big deal.

 

Me personally, I would not want to cohabitate prior to marriage. I'm more traditional about it, and one aspect of marriage is moving in together. It presents something new to the relationship. Doing everything together and living together is not a prerequisite to see if it would work - but it coud be a way to burn out the flame. Marriage seems to lose all meaning as you're practically married - just not legally binded.

 

I have friends that do live with their boyfriend or girlfriend. My girl friends say that they moved in because it's their last test to see if they are truly meant for each other. I scratch my head and wonder why do you have any doubt after exclusively dating this guy for 6 years already?

 

My guy friends that live with their girl, none of them want to get married. They have everything that comes with marriage, although they are not legally binded. If things don't work out, they don't lose half. That's not to say that they don't care about their girl - they're protecting themselves from legal obligations.

 

Both guys and girls did say to me that living alone is lonely - a factor why they moved in together.

 

If you want to move in together, then do it. If you don't, then don't. I have one friend whose g/f moved in after 1 month of dating, and they're still together 2 years down the road. That's a little too fast for me, but, they seem to be happy and that's what counts. I have 2 friends that broke up after they moved in together - thet said moving in was the worst thing they could have done in their relationship. It all depends.

[Beauty2385]

You know what though, there's no better way to find out what you're getting into than living with someone. I thank God everyday that my ex and I lived together, otherwise I would have married him for sure. He put on a good act when we didn't live together.

 

I couldn't agree more. My ex and I dated 4-5 wonderful months, then once we signed our lease to an apartment and moved in together he completely changed and I saw how he really was (controlling, abusive). You almost can never really know someone unless you've lived with them at least two/three months.