why do I care about my ex more now that it's over?

[Confusedgayguy]

I was seeing my ex for 4 months. Things were not very serious but started to get serious. One major issue was that we never really had sex. I like to take things very slow and he was comfortable with that. Though there was also no huge spark. I wouldn't really get extremely excited to see him, but I was always happy to see him and he was probably the most handsome guy I've ever dated.

 

Towards the end of our relationship he started to get kind of cocky and it was bothering me. But rather than bring this issue up directly I masked it in bringing up our lack of a sex life (stupid of me). Then I brought up the underlying issues but he focused on the sex part, and given some of our past issues he said a relationship wasn't likely.

 

Two days after he dumped me I asked him if he really wanted to break up and he said he wasn't sure, we should talk in a week. I was very frustrated and upset that he left me on hold for a week but I complied with this. Then 3 days later I broke down and contacted him and he said he wanted to get back together. I felt like he was distancing himself to play mindgames and was upset. So the tables turned and I acted cold to him. I wouldn't really contact him that much and stuff. One day he called me and said I would only contact him to cancel on him and he was very mad (this was like 3 or 4 days later). I told him I was just busy but that because he dumped me so early on I couldn't foresee a serious relationship with him (stupid of me again). He then said he was serious about me and he thought he was falling in love with me. But that I should contact him when I want to contact him. I said that's silly lets just hang out the next day. We hang out the next day, have sex, but don't go all the way cuz we didn't have condoms (but there was clearly chemistry).

 

Then the next day I ask if he wanted to hang out that night. He said he was not feeling well and wanted to stay in but we should hang out tomorrow. So we hang out tomorrow and I see a stamp on his hand. I don't say anything but it looked like a stamp of a local bar. He admits he went out yesterday night and I don't really make an issue. Later that night I make a fake online screen name and contact him on a website seeing if he wanted to hookup. He tries to hookup with the fake person so I call him and say I think he's chearing on me. I know it was deceptive to do that but I suspected he was cheating and didn't want to get a disease.

 

Basically he lies about the conversation. I know it took place cuz I was the mystery person he was talking to but he keeps lying. He breaks up with me because he says I would trust some person online over him. I blow up at him, call him a liar and some other expletives and basically I burned the bridge completely at this point.

 

This all happened like a month ago. Because I blew up so bad he wants nothing to do with me at all. Now I totally regret this because we had such a good relationship. I feel like I did all I could to sabotage a great relationship and now I am so depressed. In hindsight I care more about the relationship than I did when it was going on and wish I could undo the things I've done. I don't know why I sabotage things like this.

 

Does anyone know why I care more now that it's over? I wish I didn't say so many mean things to him. It's going to be so hard because he's coming to my school and I'm going to see him all the time.

[Confusedgayguy]

he also said that in hindsight he was mistaken about being serious and falling in love with me. He said we had no sexual chemistry and it was a mistake to say he was serious about me. But I think he's just saying all this to get back at me for yelling at him. He basically told me to move on like 2 days after we broke up. I don't understand how he went from hot to cold so quickly. And how I went from not caring to caring so quickly after it was over.

[AwdreeHpburn]

IMO it's because he took the control away and made a decision you weren't prepared for.

 

I say, just relax. Be cool and - FOR NOW -try to extract the lesson from it so you'll be better next time around, whether it's with him or someone else....

[Cute Band Rat]

WOW..Well, first of all...I am not saying you were completely wrong with what you did. You wanted to know if he would take the "bait" of the "mystery" online person....and he went for it. OUCH!!!! I KNOW that must have stung...but truthfully I think I would have played along with him...BEFORE reacting. Perhaps you could have learned much MORE about him

as a "stranger" than as yourself. I am not advocating gameplaying...but that's how you get info that you need. Another thing I would have done is simply dropped off his radar once I knew what he was up to..rather than confront him with it...because then that just makes YOU look like the psycho.

 

Anyway....I think you oughta let things cool off a bit. Then maybe down the road you can simply mail him a letter explaining why you did what you did, that you regret it..etc...but without expecting a reply. It may be a letter of "closure" for you if nothing else.

[Confusedgayguy]

IMO it's because he took the control away and made a decision you weren't prepared for.

 

I say, just relax. Be cool and - FOR NOW -try to extract the lesson from it so you'll be better next time around, whether it's with him or someone else....

 

 

Thanks for the reply. I've definitely learned a lot about myself from this, I just wish it wasn't at the expense of losing him. Maybe it all is a control issue, but I seem to be so fixated on him in particular. It's like all the things that are good about him are magnified now in my mind and I can't find anyone who even comes close to him. He has some qualities that are very unique and hard to find and I really miss him and don't know how to get over it.

[Confusedgayguy]

Thanks for that. I really have thought the same thing. I wish I had just used my knowledge to leverage the situation better rather than confronting him about it. He doesn't know it was me. I told him the person emailed me it, which was a mistake because it encouraged him to lie even more (he chided me over and over for believing someone online over him). I just feel like I subconsciously sabotaged this.

 

As for the mailing him. I think it's too late to do that We basically both threatened to call the cops if one of us contacts the other after our nasty argument following this incident. Basically neither of us has talked to one another in a month.

[Belle]

Why do I care about my ex more now that it's over?

 

Because you can't have him. A lot of us take for granted people we can have that aren't challenging. Until you learn to appreciate someone for who they are, you're probably going to repeat the same pattern.

[Confusedgayguy]

Why do I care about my ex more now that it's over?

 

Because you can't have him. A lot of us take for granted people we can have that aren't challenging. Until you learn to appreciate someone for who they are, you're probably going to repeat the same pattern.

 

How do I learn this trait? Honestly, I think there is truth to this and wish I could be more like that.

[Belle]

You need to have an idea of the kind of person you want to be with and when you meet someone with those traits be open to it. The biggest point is to learn from this experience really. Most people don't learn until they get hurt really bad. I had a really bad marriage when I was 21 and another failed engagement a few years later before I woke up. I was always with the wrong kind of person because there was a huge spark and connection which was really just unhealthy. I learned that stability isn't boring. No connection is boring. And I learned that too much chemistry is unhealthy. So avoid drama and too much game playing.

[lonestar_80]

I agree. I think it is an ego/pride thing. You can't stand the fact that this man rejected you (which hurts your ego/pride). It sounds like you never really liked him that much. You could be a person that is in it just for the chase.

[joyce1412]

Thanks for the reply. I've definitely learned a lot about myself from this, I just wish it wasn't at the expense of losing him. Maybe it all is a control issue, but I seem to be so fixated on him in particular. It's like all the things that are good about him are magnified now in my mind and I can't find anyone who even comes close to him. He has some qualities that are very unique and hard to find and I really miss him and don't know how to get over it.

 

i know how you feel. it's human nature to focus on desires and what is just out of reach. the trick is to figure out a way to be happy with what you have and make YOU the focus of your life.

 

try to focus on the bad. it really helps. make a list of all crimes committed and annoying habits. in time you'll see he isn't as great as you feel he is at the moment.

[walkingwithaghost]

i think you should take advantage of the summer (until you see him at school) and try your best not to talk about him or think about him or anything like that. you'll probably be over him by the time school starts... also you probably only care so much now because you have made him into a fantasy and you want what you can't have.