trying to resolve breakup

[timlondon]

Hi all

 

I'm hoping you can give me some help & advice because I'm feeling fairly useless at the moment. My girlfriend of 9 years has just moved out, helpfully doing it at 6 o'clock on Friday morning so I didn't have much time to argue or protest. It's only really now sinking in that she really means it, even though she's calling it a "break", but her actions seem to be pretty final. A pretty grim feeling.

 

Anyway, her reasons for leaving are that we're currently "following separate paths" - her career is going fairly well (lawyer), and I'm going back to university to do an MPH to kick-start mine - I'm a project manager at the moment. Seems ridiculous to me as I'll be supporting myself and should be pretty employable after I graduate, but there you go. She has also said that the idea of going out with the same person from age 19 to quite suffocating.

 

It all feels so weird and wrong, because we have always got on really well, enjoy the same things, and I had no idea that anything was building.

 

So I basically need to have an idea of what to do now. Should I try and convince her she has made the wrong choice, or leave her to make her mind up? Or is it worth even trying?

 

Interestingly, I have found typing this down quite cathartic. Thanks in advance.

[keefy1972]

ABSOLUTELY DO NOT try to convince her she is wrong. That is a major no-no! In fact I think you should do the opposite and agree with her decision. If you try and convince her otherwise, that is going to put her into a state of mind that she has to re-inforce her decision through arguments. Making her case even stronger than ever. By agreeing you are forcing her to think about things objectively, without a defensive state of mind.

 

I would go into no contact mode with her and allow her ALL the time and space she needs. Right now she needs to know what her decision to not have you in her life anymore is going to really be like. She may find that it isn't a great idea afterall.

 

Best of luck.

[timlondon]

OK, that strategy makes sense.

 

No-contact it is. Hmm, all our friends are shared, is it better to go out to the same places and just get on with life, or avoid contact completely...?

[keefy1972]

I wouldn't say avoid contact completely because that may take effort. You want to minimize effort in any way. This way you don't put yourself in a position to feel like a failure or let down when things don't work out the way you "intended" them to. Without effort there is no intention.

 

If you share a group of friends then I would suggest withdrawing from the group for a while. This will accomplish two things. First it will help provide you and her with the distance needed right now. The second thing it does is allows you to be missed by the group. I'm sure this will lead to you being talked about. Putting you on her mind more than ever.

 

Take this free time and use it wisely though. Find out what you can do to improve yourself. Do you need to work out? Maybe you can find solace in the fantasy of a good book. Get lost in something that interests you.

[Bethany]

Here we go,for the second time today. I found these make extremely good sense....

 

 

 

 

 

I think you're in a very good position right now and should go NC immediately after she leaves. It's hard, hurts like hell but is probably you're best shot at getting her back, at keeping your dignity, it stops you from begging and sometimes, only sometimes it makes them miss you, want you back and brings them back..

But more importantly than all those things, it gives you permission to disappear for a while and heal your wounds.

 

Good Luck and if you feel that it's all too much for you, please come back to ENA. There are lot and lots of people going through or have been through what you are now going through so please don't feel alone.

[timlondon]

Thanks - was looking for informtino on what NC meant earlier