Should I tell him I had an abortion?

[LillieBelle]

I am 30. He is 31. We dated for over a year. We were very happy. We found out that we were accidentally pregnant. Things changed. He begged and pleaded for me to have an abortion. I refused. This went on for 2 weeks. I still refused. He said that he could not handle it and left town. He fled. I have not heard from him since he left(1 month ago). I reluctantly decided to go through with the pregnancy alone, but changed my mind and had an abortion 2 weeks ago. My question is... should I contact him to let him know? He has not bothered to call or email me in 4 weeks. Do I owe it to him to let him know that we are no longer expecting a child? Part of me wants him to continue to believe and worry that he will soon be a father and that I will come knocking on his door for child support. The social consenquences of having an "Illegitimate" child as well as the financial obligations of a baby were his greatest fears. BUT, I know that he is a mentally unstable person and this is eating at him... torturing him even. I know that he would rest easier at night in knowing that I had an abortion. Should I tell him out of sheer human empathy? Or let him continue to suffer? I am torn.

[Zoey]

easy and simple: nope.

 

he chose to be no longer a part of your life and his unborn child, thereforeeee, as of now, you have no obligations of telling him. oh and if you see him one day on the street somewhere then you can.

 

 

or at least that is what i would do. He's not in my life because of his cowardness and let me face it alone, then I owe him nothing. not even just a word.

 

take good care of yourself. =)

[BillyJean714]

I think you should make a clean break. Dump him, then tell him. Sorry, but I think it's really time to move on..He should've been by your side to support you with whatever happens.

 

Out of sheer empathy, I would tell him and definitely move on..Actually, it's his job to check up on you too. Instead of just bouncing and forgetting you and the baby never happened.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Lilliebell - this is a tough one indeed.

 

I do think you should NOT let him go thru life thinking he has a child. But at the same time a part of me feels he deserves the torment of wondering for a while.

 

I'm torn for you too.

 

I guess the "right" thing to do would be to let him know somehow and then sever all future contact with him. He is not a worthy human being and does not deserve your precious time or the breath you would waste talking to him.

[justme1]

He doesn't care...he left.

You could've had the baby and put it up for adoption.

 

He's gone. He doesn't want to know anything. Just move on.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

I am so sorry for what has happened. It must have been very hard. (((hugs)))

 

This is a tough one indeed. But I feel that he should know. I know, I know, he left and he was a jerk but be the better person. But I would make the clean break as Billie Jean suggested and then tell him. Then never look back! Again, I am so sorry about your ordeal. We are here whenever you need us.

[Cadence308]

This man has no balls and should be castrated since he thinks it's socially okay to have sex and flee when the going gets tough and he's expecting a child. I would let him know that you went through with the abortion because you could not handle things by yourself and tell him things are over between you.

[coollady1957]

I agree that you should make a clean break from this guy which would included telling him of the abortion, and then having no further contact with him.

 

I think it would be in your best interests to move on with your life. No one needs a guy like that in their life, that is going to run and flee from serious situations. He should have been there supporting you through whatever decisions were to be made about the baby.

[LillieBelle]

Yes, it is definitly over between us. That is not even a question. It's just been tugging at my conscience that I haven't told him that the abortion took place. I still care about him on some level and don't like the idea of him in any sort of emotional pain. But on the other hand, I hate him with a passion and would love to castrate him!

[kellbell]

Lillie,

 

Totally understandable. Have you thought about seeing a counselor about your issue and how to handle telling your ex boyfriend?

[arwen]

Lillie, I think you should tell him. He has been a complete jerk with you, but I still think he needs to know that you decided to end the pregnancy. You can write him a brief email or letter. Ask him not to respond if you feel a response would make you upset. Now he doesn't know, and god knows he might be able to count months and figure he should contact you in about 7 months.

 

Write him that you have moved on, and ended the pregnancy and want him to stay out of your life for good.

 

You're a strong lady, I am so sorry what he made you go through.

 

Ilse

[LillieBelle]

Lillie,

 

Totally understandable. Have you thought about seeing a counselor about your issue and how to handle telling your ex boyfriend?

I was thinking a singing candygram to let him know. No, seriously. I think I might just call him right now (I'm sure it will go to voicemail) and say it. I won't give details. I'll just say, we are no longer expecting a child... go about your life in the usual fashion.

[kellbell]

You can that but make you sure you add you want to be left ALONE for good from now on. You are done with him. Gosh, what a loser! I am so sorry chica.

 

(((hugs)))

[brando]

Well since he fled, he assumed no responsibility. Let him wonder the rest of his years what he left behind.

 

If he should contact you and inquire, then you may want to decide to tell him or not.

[RayKay]

Hey Lillie,

 

I am sorry that he is still being a jerk...I remember your first post well.

 

You made the decision that was right for you, and I am glad that you made it for you, and not due to pressure from him.

 

I think you need to let him know, not because you want to spare him the emotional stress (after all he is not doing that for you!) but because he needs to know, and because YOU need to close this chapter in your life and put him behind you.

 

Take care of yourself sweetie.

 

Hope & Faith,

 

RayKay

[LillieBelle]

Thanks everyone for your help. I made the decision to tell him, so here's what I'll say (I wanted to write it out first):

 

Just calling to let you know that we are no longer expecting a child. Despite everything, I thought you a had a right to know. No need to call me back. Bye.

[kellbell]

Sounds okay to me. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

[LillieBelle]

I did it... I left the message. My heart was beating so fast. I'm glad it's over. I honestly feel a relief now.

[kellbell]

Lillie,

 

I am so glad you feel some relief. Take care and let us know how you are haning in there.

 

(((hugs)))

[coollady1957]

Glad you made the call to let him know. Hopefully that took a weight of your mind and things can move on in life for you in a positive direction.

[Meow18]

Well, I'm a little late!

 

But I think you did the right thing. Although he was a jerk and just left, he should know.

 

Gosh, what a jerk. He helped make this child and then just left you alone to deal with it? THat just shows the kind of person he really is. Be glad that he's no longer in your life. You deserve so much better!

 

I'm sorry for what you have experienced. If you are feeling bad about the abortion, I do suggest getting some sort of counseling.

[abazarni]

I wouldnt tell him. Make him suffer and wonder. He put you through lots of pain, why should you ease his. I feel you did it to get him back, but was he worth it. How are you feeling after this.

[justme1]

He doesn't care...why would you tell him? So he can say "I don't care" to your face?

[LillieBelle]

I wouldnt tell him. Make him suffer and wonder. He put you through lots of pain, why should you ease his. I feel you did it to get him back, but was he worth it. How are you feeling after this.

I did *not* have an abortion to get him back. And I did *not* make the phone call to lure him back to me. I made the decision about the abortion after much deliberation and self-analysis and AFTER he was out of the picture completely(we had broken up and he had left town 2 weeks prior). I was not going to tell him about the abortion.. this happened over 2 weeks ago, and only yesterday started to feel like I wanted him to know. The decision to have an abortion was absolutly the right decision for ME. I was not able to see things clearly until after he was out of my life. He did not make the decision. I did. I am an honest person though, and it bothered me to think that he still thought I was pregnant. I realize that I made the phone call and left the message on his voicemail to EASE MY MIND. Now I have no ties to him. I can close this chapter and lock it away.

[dawn515]

Hey Lilliebelle,

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you and that you had to go through it alone. Your ex-bf's level of selfishness is astonishing. I do think, however, that you made the right decision in letting him know because now you have completely cut ties and can move on.

 

Stay strong.