Stuck in a Vicious Cycle

[Brady4]

Hello everyone at eNotAlone... I've been cruising this site for about two weeks now, and I think the advice given on these boards really is top notch. I peruse for topics that seem analogous to my situation, but alas, every relationship is different... so I'd appreciate you shedding a little light on mine.

 

My girl broke our 18 month relationship off at the beginning of this school year (we were both sophomores in college) about 9 months ago. We did the whole long distance thing (I'm at ND, she's at pittsburgh), but I see her about every 2 or 3 weeks, because we both put in a lot of effort to get together. We had a very strong, caring relationship, and both of us made sacrifices for the good of the relationship and each other.

 

One stormy night at the end of September, she tells me that she needs her space, because otherwise nothing would ever come between us, and we'd basically be married. I was crushed, but the only thing I could do was understand.

 

After the breakup, I made the usual dumb mistakes: drunk, emotional calls; sending bday presents and holiday cards; checking away messages and facebook profiles with fury; etc. However, we still talked all the time, and in her eyes I was not overbearing or too needy, even though in my mind I was.

 

Since the break up, I know for a fact that she hasn't been with anybody else, because her roomate is a mutual best friend, who has confirmed this many times. Also, my ex has trouble letting people into her life, and was only ever in the romantic side of things for the emotion, not the lust. Tell me I'm in denial, but considering her personality, I don't see it happening.

 

Summer comes: we live less than a mile away. I start reading this board, and just completely give up on contacting her, which is hard, but feels kind of good, because I feel like some of the power is back in my court. She starts calling me every night, and I oblige, because I enjoy talking to her. Then we'll hang out one-on-one, and it feels like we're back together (not hooking up, just a lot of flirting). I'm always a little hurt when I leave, because I've built up my expectations, and the hang-out amounts to nothing really. This results in me calling her when I get home, and telling her I can't see her anymore, which excites tears on her end of the phone, which makes me feel terrible, and I tell her not to worry about it. The next few days, I feel like an * * *, so I don't try to call her. Eventually she'll start calling, and the cycle starts anew.

 

Anyway, she's my best friend, so is it wrong for me to be trying to cut her from my life like this?

 

Is she just stringing me along?

 

If we are truly nothing more than friends now (however, I still have a lot of emotion invested in it, and I'm assuming she does as well), can I be stuck in friend zone long enough to destroy any chances with her in the future?

 

We have plenty of mutual friends, so I'll inevitably see her, how do I handle this?

 

If I keep in contact with her, will I every truly be able to give my heart to somebody else?

 

What's the average wind speed of an African swallow?

 

Your time and advice is greatly appreciated!

[kellbell]

Hey there and welcome to eNotalone!

"Anyway, she's my best friend, so is it wrong for me to be trying to cut her from my life like this?"

 

No, not at all. She broke up with you. In my opinion, the dumper wants the friendship to ease his/her guilt from hurting the other person. It is not wrong for you at all to cut her out your life. She broke up with you, she is no longer your responsibility nor are you hers.

 

"Is she just stringing me along?"

 

I think in some ways she is but not intentionally or meliciously. She is hanging out with you to ease her guilt for hurting you. Perhaps this is giving you false hope?

 

 

"If we are truly nothing more than friends now (however, I still have a lot of emotion invested in it, and I'm assuming she does as well), can I be stuck in friend zone long enough to destroy any chances with her in the future?"

 

I think you have been "friendzoned." By you hanging out with her as you have, you are giving her the emotional replinishment to get over the relationship, she has no guilt and believe me, she WILL move on. Your friendship and you being there is going to allow her to do so with ease. If she truly wanted to get back together with you, she would have done so by now. She has not had a chance to miss you either and truly appretiate you or what you have invested in your relationship. In that sense, I doubt you will get back together if you conitune to carry on as you have.

 

"We have plenty of mutual friends, so I'll inevitably see her, how do I handle this?"

 

Be cordial but be a bit aloof at the same time. There are other friends for you to talk to. You don't want to lead her on or let her give you false hope.

 

"If I keep in contact with her, will I every truly be able to give my heart to somebody else?"

 

I think deep down you know the answer to this one. No, I do not think you could. Worrying about ex's, whom they are with, what they are doing, holds you back considerably, not with just moving on with another person, but moving on, period.

 

My advice, NC or very LC (low contact) because you share the same friends. You deserve more than she is willing to give you.

[Bethany]

I start reading this board, and just completely give up on contacting her, which is hard, but feels kind of good, because I feel like some of the power is back in my court. She starts calling me every night, and I oblige, because I enjoy talking to her.

 

There it is. You go NC, so she feels like she's losing you and you are moving on. So, shes calls to stop you from moving on. She also knows you still want her and that she can reel you at anytime with just a few calls with no promises of reconcillation as BF/GF.That is the vicious circle.

 

Ask her to respect you wishes and not contact you anymore unless it's to talk about getting back together as you don't need a friend, you need a GF.

Don't answer her calls, don't reply to any messages, and don't be her friend.

[mikeywins21]

This is all true, the more your not there the more she's gonna be thinking about you and getting all worried that she is going to loose you forever unless she get's her life sorted out. I gotta tell ya tho man, your lucky, my ex broke up with me cuz of the whole space thing and cuz of distance (5 hours) and she had taken on 3 jobs and didn't have time to be there for me. I went NC 9 days ago now, since I've called her and I haven't heard one peep. Just an e-mail saying we need to do this "For Now" You thought your on a string, I can't even compile what that might mean. Just make your self not so availble. It will make her think.

[Brady4]

Seems like all three of you are in agreement that I should go NC, which makes enough sense. But here's my thought: my girlfriend has always liked that I've been nice, trustworthy, and loyal. If I suddenly stop returning phone calls, texts, IMs, etc. then I've effectively eliminated one of my positive traits. Couldn't this just make her think, "well, he's an * * *, I'm moving on (again)"?

 

This is probably just the paranoia in me coming out, but Just a thought.

[kellbell]

She is not your girlfriend anymore. She did not take into consideration of those things when she broke up with you. You do not answer to her anymore. If those qualities about you are important to her, then she would not have broken up with you. She is using you as an emotional crutch dude. She calls you when you do not contact her for a while because she gets nervous about losing you and taken her out of her comfortzone. All is this is holding you back. You deserve more.

[iceman85]

I agree with everyone else saying to go NC. However I should be one to talk. I recommend you look at my situation and threads. Its somewhat similar.

 

My GF of over a year broke up with me right after school ended 2 months ago she felt we needed a break at first then come to find out she kissed another guy and wanted to break up because she didnt know about anything.

 

I did all the stupid stuff as well and she said she didnt love me anymore, for some reason I never believed her because she was saying she loved me a day before she wanted to break up. And just the look on her face everytime I've seen her is one of anguish and pain.

 

I started to do NC with her but she would always find a way to contact me. The longest i've had NC is 5 days. I've seen her twice since the breakup. Once days after which we had a good time but was akward and led me to breakdown about things, the second time we just went out for lunch and it was akward because she looked upset the whole time and wouldnt really open up until the end. tomorrow i'm going to a movie with her, so we'll see how that goes, in my mind I want to think it will go well but I have to taper my expectations.

 

Your my age so the situation is probably pretty similar. To me it looks like your girlfriend was trying to say to you that she was either bored in the relationship or that she wanted to see what else was out there because if she didnt she would be married to you and would have missed out on things.

 

My ex thought both things because she said them to me a few times, she also thought we became too dependant on each other. Now she goes out and parties, drinks, smokes has changed her entire group of friends.

 

Your ex and you have been together since college started pretty much, she probably feels like she wants to experience college life and see what it has to offer without the constraints of a boyfriend. While I feel this is selfish this is most likely the case.

 

Going NC or even LC is best here, doing this will not make her forget about you. You guys had a long relationship she will never forget about that or forget about you. She needs to figure out what she wants and by allowing her the space to do that she will respect you for that. Like others say be careful about being friends. My ex is seeing me now because she said she wanted to see about me and her even though she doubted anything would come of it. I have made it clear that I am not going to hang out as friends because thats not what I want, and I feel strongly for her and I dont want to deal with her unless shes ready to reconsider us.

 

Best of luck.

bly

[Brady4]

Thanks for the advice iceman

 

tomorrow i'm going to a movie with her, so we'll see how that goes, in my mind I want to think it will go well but I have to taper my expectations.

 

Make sure you're definitely a little aloof tomorrow, without much expectation. That's how I always go into the "hang-out" session, but then she comes on a little more interested/flirty, and my problem is that I give into it. I wouldn't be stuck in this situation if I didn't succumb to her flirtyness, or if i were asexual.

[Bethany]

Couldn't this just make her think, "well, he's an * * *, I'm moving on (again)"?

 

Ah-ha common mistake as it works quite the opposite.

 

Have you read the following? I seriously suggest you do, good luck!

 

 

 

 

 

[Brady4]

Those are all great posts, thanks Bethany. Another question though... I've obviously been trying NC for the past couple months, and we've been broken up for about 9 months now: Is it too late to start NC? I've broken it so many times, that she's probably getting comfortable with her position (that she keeps reeling me back). Will complete ingnorance of her on my part cause her to reevaluate her position?

 

I guess I'm just looking for some power in the relationship, because I've been a softie so far.

[Bethany]

9 months is a long time to be strung along by someone who has told you they don't want you.

I'm sure it must be a kick in the teeth everytime she reels you in, keeps you dangling, and then drops you on your face when she feels like it.

 

It's going to get harder if/when she finds someone new and calls telling you ALL about it as it's gonna hurt like hell if you stay and 'pretend' to be her friend. You're NOT her friend, you're not her lover, you're her Ex and YOU need to move on.

 

If she comes back through NC, then it's a bonus. But you need to do NC for YOU. Break away, go NC properly. It's hard but not as hard to hear ''I don't want you, I just want to keep you from moving on because then you won't want me and I can't bear that'' over and over.

 

Her plan is working but it's time you had one of your own and took back ALL your power. It's NEVER too late but do it for YOU.

[Brady4]

Has anyone on this board been the dumper. Furthermore, after you dumped your bf/gf, you really wanted to stay friends with them... only to have them try NC with you?

 

I try to put myself in her shoes, but I can't figure out if she really just wants to stay friends or wants to keep me as an option for the future.

 

So has anyone been on the other side of things?

[kellbell]

Yes, I was the dumper last year...

 

Here is my post about my ordeal....

 

 

 

and here is another one...

 

 

 

No I did not want to be friends with my ex. I mentioned already why your ex wants to be friends...to ease her GUILT.

[backinlife]

What's the average wind speed of an African swallow?

 

I am as confused about all the other questions as you... but the african swallow thing is also unclear

 

this is all I found

 

link removed

 

I am sorry about the mess you are in. She might just need time, but as long as you are around, she is under no pressure to make a decision. I wouldn't if I were here, she is in a very comfortable position.

 

Mona

[Brady4]

So I've been doing NC since I posted this thread, and it's been going pretty well... I haven't felt the need to call, and I haven't really been worrying about when or if she'll call.

 

However, I was out with my friends last night, and they told me that a couple weeks ago, my younger sister was drrrrrrrrunk, and she had a quick conversation with my ex-gf:

 

"I think you should go back out with my brother again, he's really lonely, and all he does is mope around the house since you guys have broken up."

 

I wasn't there, but my ex-gf made no reply, got awkward, and left the party. What my sister has said really isn't true, as I'm never moping or talking about the ex-gf, and I've been away at college through most of the break up. Anyway, I feel that this really messes with things, because basically my sister led her on about how much I miss her... which means she's totally comfortable with her situation (I'm guessing, although that may have made her more unconfortable).

 

I said I'd like some power back, so that we could be friends/whatever in the future, but I'm not sure how to handle this setback.

 

Any ideas?

[Bethany]

Don't let it get to you. Who cares what she thinks, you know the truth.

 

Don't let this set back make you stay in lonely and moping, get out there and have fun instead. Because by doing that, you really will be taking back ALL of your power. It's summer and you're single, what more can I say?