Take a Chance or Appreciate what I have?

[whatsitallabout]

I'm new to the forum so Hi all, there seems to be some great advice & experience here so I hope you can help me out.

 

I'm in a big dilemma - here's the background, sorry if it's long but it's hard to summarise your history:

 

While at University I began dating a girl, "Jane'' in the first year. After about a year we mutually decided things weren't workin out, mainly because we were both quite young & didn't know what we wanted or what the other wanted. In the 2nd year I began seeing a girl, 'Alison' who I stayed together with for nearly two years. We went through a period of long-distance relationship which was tough, but on returning we were still together. Soon after though, I ended it because seeing Jane again I realised I still had strong feelings for her, and she was still in my close knit group of friends so we spent lots of time together.

 

In this final year Jane & I had started fooling around, but being in the same close-knit group of friends made her reluctant to become official gf & bf. After Uni I hoped this might be different. Just after leaving Uni I went away for a long holiday & I came back to find out she had started seeing another guy. I took this pretty badly, & all I can say is that I wish I had read the posts about non-contact during this time! I eventually got over her & managed to forget about her.

 

Due to some twists in fate I started to see 'Alison' again and we've been together now for around 3 years & have lived together for 1 year.

 

The spanner in the works is that this weekend I saw Jane again at a party, where I found out she had broken up with her boyfriend. A whole load of feelings surfaced again, but I played it cool & just chatted like a friend even though I wanted to tell her how I felt. We spent most of the evening together chatting & I'm pretty sure from signals (although not 100%) she still has feelings for me.

 

What I have with Alison is great & it's a solid relationship, but what I feel for Jane is that stupid unexplainable giddiness that I've come to decide must be love too - just in a different way. It's a very different relationship in that I feel Alison has stronger feelings for me than I do for her. With Jane it was the other way round. However, I do love Alison in the way that we work very well together & we understand each other deeply.

 

Although this sounds really bad, I believe I could spend my life with either girl: With Alison I'd be secure that she loved me to bits, but then would I regret not taking a chance on a person that could be my true love? With Jane I'd have the girl of my dreams, but I'd be scared that if things didn't work out I'd have thrown away a decent relationship. If I was confident things would work out I know I would choose Jane over Alison, which is a telling sign in my heart. However, if I knew for sure Jane didn;t want to give things a try I could happily continue life with Alison, safe with the knowledge I had at least asked.

 

There's many questions I've been pondering & things I'm scared of that are probably irrational as I don;t even know if Jane would consider giving us another try.

Should I tell Jane how I feel & see if she feels the same ?

What if she lies so that I don't have to hurt Alison.?

Would I be a hypocrite if Jane turned me down then I carry on seeing Alison ?

Am I being really unfair on Alison & should I just end it with her anyway ?

What if I wait too long, Jane might start seeing someone else & then I may never know - could I cope with a life of regret and unknown?!

 

It seems Im in love with two different people in different ways. The one I'm with I have a stable solid love with, & the one I'm not with I can't stop thinking about & gives me butterflies when I see her.

 

Should I take a chance & tell Jane, or appreciate I have Alison who loves me very much & push anyone else out of my mind ?

[Goodfun88]

If you were truly in love with Alison, you wouldn't be contimplating leaving her for Jane. You may love Alison, just because you've spent years together and know one and other very well, but you are not in love. Whether or not you want to see Jane, you should break things off with Alison. Let her get on with her life and find someone who will be as happy being with her as she is being with them. After you've ended things with Alison you will be free to pursue Jane. If Jane rejects you, thats the chance you took. You have to accept that. You can't go running back to Alison. Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

[whatsitallabout]

Thanks - I don't want to give the impression that I'm using Alison, it does seem like I'm kind of a bad guy & I hope people won't think of me as a coward.

I think you are right though, I feel bad about having these thoughts about another girl. At the same time though I know we could be happy together if I was never to tell Jane & push her frm my mind.

 

Has anyone else regretted taking a chance or indeed missing one?

[Beyondthesea]

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence...remember that. That's my only advice.

[whatsitallabout]

So BeyondTheSea, do you mean I should try & forget about the other girl & work harder at my relationship now ?

[SarahRose]

Yep, I think you should appreciate what you have.

 

If I found out a guy was shopping me, we'd be so done.

[Beyondthesea]

I think if you're not happy in your relationship now you should break it off instead of looking for possible alternatives in the meantime, that's all.

 

It's not fair to be with someone and they think you are committed to them, all the while you are out 'shopping around' for a new replacement.

[whatsitallabout]

I'm not shopping around for a new girlfirend - I care deeply about my girlfriend & Ive never cheated or have gone out to pursue my ex. When I say Alisons feelings are stronger than mine, I dont mean I don't have any - I just mean that in all relationships there's always one side who loves that tiny bit more. If you're not that person is it wrong?

 

I can;t control these feelings & I think I'm just confused about what they mean & if they are genuine. I sometimes wonder if this is the 'quarter-life-crisis' that people talk about. certainly there are a lot of things here link removed that I do feel & it scares me. If this is the case then would I be right to jump ship at the first hint of any doubts ? If everyone did this wouldn't we ALL be single or am I alone in having contradicting thoughts?

 

I agree that stringing someone along in a relationship that has no future is not fair on anyone, but I dont think this is the stage I am at. A lot of people here seem to have some doubts about what they want & what they want to achieve from NC for example, i'm just having these doubts while in a good relationship.

 

Maybe I'm confused about what being in love is about - perhaps thats a sign in itself ? Apparently you 'just know'. In a perfect world i'd believe that, but its not & what if in reality it's finding someone you could spend the rest of your life & who understand each other. I have that now - but I have doubts too so is the best thing to do to be on my own for a while ?

What if this then means I lose Alison ?

[Beyondthesea]

In reality, if you really loved Alison, you wouldn't be considering leaving her for this other girl, it's that simple.

 

"You just know." Those dreading words are very true. When I met my fiance a few years ago, we looked at one another and just knew this was it. I don't know how I have ever dated anyone before him, because if I knew this was the 'criteria for true love' I never would have bothered.

 

I wouldn't have bothered trying to resolve and fix relationships where we were just too incompatible, and I would have spent more time alone assessing what I really wanted in a partner and in life.

 

My suggestion: Be on your own for a while if you really have that much doubt. It's not fair to either girl.

[Spugly Fuglet]

In reality, if you really loved Alison, you wouldn't be considering leaving her for this other girl, it's that simple.

 

"You just know." Those dreading words are very true. When I met my fiance a few years ago, we looked at one another and just knew this was it. I don't know how I have ever dated anyone before him, because if I knew this was the 'criteria for true love' I never would have bothered.

 

I wouldn't have bothered trying to resolve and fix relationships where we were just too incompatible, and I would have spent more time alone assessing what I really wanted in a partner and in life.

 

My suggestion: Be on your own for a while if you really have that much doubt. It's not fair to either girl.

 

 

I could not put it better myself, right all the way, you are staying with you GF so you can be safe and so as not to hert her. I feel bad saying this becosue I know if you do walk away from your GF she ill have pain but if you have deep feelings for another woman to the point where you would like children then I would jump.

 

BUt thats me

[whatsitallabout]

In reality, if you really loved Alison, you wouldn't be considering leaving her for this other girl, it's that simple.

 

I think deep down I know that - I probably just needed to hear it from somone.

 

BeyondtheSea, I'm really glad (& mayb a bit envious!) that you are totally sure about your fiance, & congrats by the way. I see you're a similar age to me and I think im scared that I might not be as lucky as you, and while I don't want to settle for something thats not 100% right, I don't want to give this relationship up in case there's never anything as good. If this true love does exist where you 'just know', like you say, then maybe there's hope & we should keep looking for that, but for how long do you keep searching ?

 

f you have deep feelings for another woman to the point where you would like children then I would jump.

I'm not really ready for kids or marriage yet, I've done so much thinking these last few days & it brings me to tears trying to analyse it. What i've come to realise though is it's not really about my ex Jane, it's just about my relationship NOW. If there's doubts there now, there'll be doubts there again later & so I should let Alison get on with her life no matter how hard that is for both of us. If you knew it would wreck someones life to leave them, how do you explain that it IS you & not them, nobody believes that line.

 

It seems whatever I do I may regret later down the line. I've always been one to hang on to options, I know thats wrong but it's so hard to change. Thanks for your support, even though you may feel more on my girlfriends side.

[Beyondthesea]

It seems whatever I do I may regret later down the line.

 

Unfortunately such is life friend. We all have tough choices to make, ones we may regret later.

 

Bud, I promise you there is someone (or many different people) for everyone. You just have to know when to pay attention. If there is someone perfect for me, there is for everyone. I am probably the most odd and unique person I know...I always thought I'd have to settle for someone who didn't match me because of that, and that's why I settled for relationships that weren't good.

 

Just tell Allison the truth. You don't feel the relationship is right anymore, it neither of your faults. People grow and change, and sometimes not together, that's all.

[Momene]

Have a secret affair with Jane that's what most people would really do in your shoes!

 

Only joking, although that's what many people do and my first wife did that to me, it isn't right. What you really need is a Jalison or Alisane, some girl who has the qualities of both girls. You should forget both girls and go out and find her.