My Take On "gettingback Together"

[MISSING LINK]

I have a take on Getting Back Together....

 

I don't think there is ANY "formula" you can follow..to entice, coerce, force,

or goad ANYONE into getting back together with you. Does No Contact work? Sometimes. Sometimes not, but I think it can and DOES happen.

 

I don't think what works for one person will neccessarily work for another. We are all 'wired" differently. The key is finding out what makes your ex "tick". Do you know your ex well enough to know this? If you don't then I think your chances of getting them back dwindles substantially..because if you don't even know what makes them tick, how could you sustain a reconciliation if you DID get them back? Sure..having an ex respond to an email or phone call is a SMALL victory, but what then?? Do you then feel secure that you'll get them back? Not usually. It's usually followed by a period of banging your head against the wall, because you feel like you have been given false hope. Most likely you have.

 

Our dilemma is usually..what now? Do we WAIT for them to make the next phone call? Do we create excuses to contact them again? Or do we simply

continue with NC? If you had contact with your ex..chances are they made comments that led you to believe they wanted you back. Did you LISTEN to what they said..or did you hear what you wanted to hear?? There's a difference.

 

An ex saying: Lets catch up sometime.....is NOT "I want to get back together"

 

An ex talking about old times is not "I miss you and want you back"

 

Did your ex allude to getting together in the future..or is that what you THINK they meant??

 

It's so easy to fool ourselves isn't it?

 

Wishful thinking is OUR downfall, not our ex'es.

We need to clear the cobwebs out of our heads and see reality..not as w'd like it to be, but as it IS.

 

If your ex is interested in getting back together...you will KNOW it. if you have to question it or second guess it..then you have your answer.

It's clear as day..it is up to YOU to accept it. It's not up to your ex to clarify it for you.

 

Thats my take.

[mikeywins21]

I know how that can be, wondering what they ment by that or why they said this. My ex and I just broke up about 3 weeks ago, her life had gotten very busy, she had taken on 3 jobs for the summer, has been working 16 hours a day or more and 70+ hours a week with only maybe one day off. On top of that there is a 5 hour difference between us right now. At first she had just talked about "taking a break" I didn't know what this ment. In the past girls had either stayed with me or broke up with me completely. It seemed to me that she was trying to do too much at once and couldn't make time for me but didn't want to loose me completely. So we took a break but I kept in contact with her b/c I just didn't really know what taking a break entailed. Then she would distance herself from me so I told her a week later "I know I tried to tell you last week that I didn't see us taking a break as being helpful to the relationship but maybe we should" So we did and I did not contact her for 2 days. Then I get an e-mail not even a day later at 2am saying "hey I tried calling you at work but you either didn't hear the page or you were on break, anyway the reason I called was cuz I miss you, I'll talk to you later, I love you" So now this confused me Very much.

 

We take a break then she calls me 2 days later to say she missed me and loved me???? Another week went by, things started to go back to normal before she took on the 3 jobs and we talked as much as we could. Then finally things got really bad, she couldn't talk as much, we would get into fights about when we were gonna see eachother again. When she finally relized we might not get to see eachother till Sept. she decided to break up.

 

Even after she broke up with me (in an e-mail no less) I was really hurt she couldn't just talk to me about it, she told me the reason she broke it off in the e-mail was cuz it was easy, cuz everytime she tried to tell me on the phone I would talk her out of it. I mean if she really wanted it over for good then she would just tell me on the phone, how could you talk someone out of doing something they had there mind set on for the last month.

 

Either way in the break up she assured me that she loved me 2 times and that she did not intend to hurt me but it's just something we have to do "for now" So as your post says...how can you tell if what they are saying means they want you back or want to be with you again in the future. "we need to take a break" "we need to be finished for now" I mean how does one take that????

[annie24]

another question to think about though.... why do you want the ex back? if they were so great, why did they break up with you? if the relationship was so great, why did you guys break up?

 

I think most people break up because something is fundamentally wrong in the relationship.

[mikeywins21]

This is true, It's like my ex wife's aunt told me when she was cutting my hair one day. she said "Ex's are ex's for a reason, you shouldn't try and get back with them, if something went wrong the first time it's bound to happen again"

[MISSING LINK]

Hey Mikey...yep classic case of MIXED signals. I think cutting through the crap is essential. Them saying :

 

"Maybe One day"...Thats crap

"we'll see what happens"....thats crap

"let's catch up"..thats crap

"it's bad timing"......CRAP

"I don't know what i want".....LAME

"It's not you it's me"....MEGA LAME

 

So my friend..you can see things through CRAP smeared lenses...

Or you can say....this is a bunch of CRAP....and nip it in the bud.

 

Excuses like these from ex'es are them biding their time to CRAP onyou some more ..at THEIR convenience.

[annie24]

another question to think about though.... why do you want the ex back? if they were so great, why did they break up with you? if the relationship was so great, why did you guys break up?

 

I think most people break up because something is fundamentally wrong in the relationship.

 

ok, sorry, to quote myself.....

 

I know that some people do get back together and wind up happily ever after (like DN on here).

 

it does happen, but I think it's important to look at the reasons that caused the break objectively, and not in an idealized manner.

 

most of the time, the evidence really points to staying apart.

[blueberrypie]

I think cutting through the crap is essential. Them saying :

 

"Maybe One day"...Thats crap

"we'll see what happens"....thats crap

"it's bad timing"......CRAP

"I don't know what i want".....LAME

 

What if the person is actually going through all these changes and is gonna be abroad for a while?

my ex actually used all these sentences I quote above. But we are going to be physically apart for awhile and didn't know how we are gonna change. Since we cannot communicate well for awhile, we don't know if we are gonna be able to make it then. I think in my case he actually meant what he said. Or...am i idealizing what happened to me?

[mikeywins21]

I wouldn't get too worried, there are 2 kinds a break up's. One's that are going to make the relationship stronger and one's that are just over for good. If your breaking up cuz you have to work on your own life for a while and can't be there 100% for someone else then taking a break or breaking up for now or whatever they tell you is going to save your relationship, I know it sounds crazy but it's true. I mean if they broke up with you b/c you were too needy and it turned them off, or you were untrustworthy, or you fought all the time, stuff like that... Your NEVER going to make it work a second time. Not even if you do learn from your mistakes, cuz once you get back together the same thing is bound to happen over and over. People don't change unless they want to. Your never going to be powerful enough to make someone else change, so I do agree and say that yes sometimes there is a happy ending, It's not just in the movies or in love stories. Where do you think those stories came from. Not something we all wish would happen in real life. Think back to your parents and grandparents, and then try and figure out why they could stay together for 30+ years, till Death do us part. But today's couples are fileing after only a couple of years. Don't give up hope. If it is ment to me it's ment to be, Just don't forget why you broke up.

[annie24]

I think distance can be a problem, but it's not insurmountable. some people decide that they can do distance, and some can't. I can't do distance relationships, I know that for sure. I need someone who will hold me and go with me to the movies and someone I can call if I'm sick to get me meds.

 

anyways, don't overanalyze what your ex said. it could be a bunch of BS, or it could be serious concerns he has about being apart from one another.

 

however, keep in mind that plenty of couples do long distance, quite successfully, and eventually get married.

 

don't let him keep you hanging on with false promises. move on. and if he changes his mind, he knows where to find you and send you all the roses and chocolates it takes to win you over again.

[mikeywins21]

annie your like the best person on here!!!

[annie24]

awww... that's very kind of you, but I assure you, there are some much cooler people here

[mikeywins21]

Yeah distance is hard on some people, my current ex told me more than once that she couldn't handle the distance. She also told me in the beginning that the distance was a good thing cuz if I had lived near her she would want to spend everyday with me and after about 3 months we'd get sick of eachother. SO in a way........ I don't even know what to think of that. Do I move down there? Does she move up here?

[annie24]

no, she's your ex! don't move anywhere!

[mikeywins21]

guess she's gone for good then

[mikeywins21]

all I'm sayin is this, if distance was 50% of the reason for the break up, then why not try to fix that by eliminating the distace all together.

[annie24]

i don't think it is quite so simple. why doesn't she move to be closer to you? after all, she is getting kicked out of her house by her parents!

[mikeywins21]

After dating a few weeks her aunt had said "Gee the distance must be really hard on you" and she commented "You have no idea, it's taking everything I can do not to just sell everything and move up there to be with him" Problem is we learn from our mistakes, and she made the mistake of moving in with a guy that she fell in love with too fast and it put her $45,000 in debt and him cheating on her 3 times. I can see why she's not so quick to move up here.

[blueberrypie]

Just don't forget why you broke up.

 

This is a problem. I don't really understand why we broke up. That's why I sort of over-analyze situation.

 

I'm not just waiting for him. If someone interesting comes by, I'll probably try to get to know him better. But, I'm not trying to forget him either. It might be easier just forgetting everything and moving on. I know I can. But I don't want to. He was the first person I truly felt in love with, and I don't want to minimize the feeling even now.

But I'm trying to live without him. If he comes back I'll be able to open up some space for him, but if he doesn't I would still survive. Till now, 6 weeks after the breakup, I can still only 'survive' without him. It may get better. Or even better, he may come back. Who knows.

 

Anyways, I'll keep posted here and get your advice till then.

Thank you guys. =)

[annie24]

you should read the book "he's just not that into you."

 

If he didn't give you a good, clear reason as to why you broke up, the bottom line is still "he's just not that into you." He didn't want to stay in the relationship, so he got out. there is really no need to overanalyze. It's a very good book. I know it sounds harsh, but the sooner you can stop over analyzing, the sooner you can get back to your life

[Juha]

How about I was a mess and she did what she could to help and I pushed her away so she left...I had problems that I have since looked at myself and taken care of and now am back to being me, actually I am better than I was before...

 

SHe moved on went out with a piece of garbage, but always tried to stay in contact and has since left and is now with someone else, still keeping in contact... I went complete NC for 31/2 months after I just could not handle everything..I went from the person she trusted the most in her life to being nothing...

 

I have never tried to get back with an ex nor have I wanted to, this time it is so different....

 

 

I have been dating alot of women in the last 8 months or so, probably have been through about 12-15 women since...None of them really did it for me at all and now I truthfully don't want to date anymore...

 

I am my strong, confident, funny self again and I want her to see this...She has kept in touch with me all this time for a reason, I want to know what it is... Should I just keep calling and talking with her and then see if she will meet up with me and do something???

 

ANy suggestions would be great

[backinlife]

This is true, It's like my ex wife's aunt told me when she was cutting my hair one day. she said "Ex's are ex's for a reason, you shouldn't try and get back with them, if something went wrong the first time it's bound to happen again"

 

 

But isn't it bound to happen with anyone then? I rather believe that the problems i am facing in relationships are problems that are inside of me, and I will have to deal with them at some point... I just wish my ex would be ready to adress them WITH me, not WITHOUT me, and we have similar problems, so it would make sense. Two people who really love each other should be able to work things out. I think people are too ignorant when they think they will find a new one and then the problem is solved. We usually hit the same walls again, at least I do.

[annie24]

But isn't it bound to happen with anyone then? I rather believe that the problems i am facing in relationships are problems that are inside of me, and I will have to deal with them at some point... I just wish my ex would be ready to adress them WITH me, not WITHOUT me, and we have similar problems, so it would make sense. Two people who really love each other should be able to work things out. I think people are too ignorant when they think they will find a new one and then the problem is solved. We usually hit the same walls again, at least I do.

 

If you have problems inside you, don't you think you should face them on your own?

 

maybe your ex would also rather deal with his issues on his own.

 

it takes 2 to make a relationship work....

[backinlife]

If you have problems inside you, don't you think you should face them on your own?

 

maybe your ex would also rather deal with his issues on his own.

 

it takes 2 to make a relationship work....

 

And then we do that again when a new problem pops up? I really think that either you decide to work on things, or you leave it alltogether. I mean what kind of a realtonship is it, when he decides he is going through a rough time and wants to do that alone? I would never feel secure in such a relationship. Rough things happen all the time, and most problems just come to the surface then.

 

Like also in Blueberry's case. I mean I cannot understand the guy's reason for leaving. This can't be the real reason. This could have been worked out so easily. And still he left. i think most people leave and run from themselves. And I think if they do it once, they will do it again. They think they just figure themselves out alone and then find a new one and things will be dandy again, but they don't realize that love isn't easy to find and that it ccan also make a relationship stronger when rought times can be overcome.

[mikeywins21]

annie's gotta point, sometimes you have to work your problems out on your own, not everyone out there wants to help you with your problems. And when you drag your b/f or g/f into this they see it as a sign of weekness. I am not trying to be rude here but it's true. If the problems are about you and him that's one thing. You have to work that out on your own. But if you have issues of your own you need to look down deep and find out why they are there. What caused them to happen or why you started to feel that way in the first place.

[mikeywins21]

I understand that as well, my ex just broke up with me b/c she had a ton of problems in her life she needed to sort out. Sometimes I think if we ever got back together if she would do that everytime. So you do have to think about that. I can't help her work on her problems cuz I can't be there for her to begin with. she's 5 hours away. And I have my own issues to deal with here. People do run, they run all the time, my ex wife did it too. Everytime something didn't go her way she'd run. We moved 3 times in 3 years, anytime a big problem came up, To this day she's still running, she's only be home living with her mom for 5 months and already she wants to move away again. You gotta ask yourself "Do I really want to be with someone that runs away from there problems all the time???"