Am I insane?

[Silentlyfor]

This isn't about anything that I've done recently but what I've been going through in the last month. My best friend thought I was over the edge several times during my grief. He thinks I'm insane... And I'm almost inclined to believe him. When this started... I;

 

1. msged my ex at the beginning of the month and spoke to her about this new guy and what kind of pain I was going through. Then I returned her gifts and leaving off by saying, "thank you for wasting my entire year. I wish I never met you." I then proceeded to the doctor because I was suffering a panick.

 

2. The second time I contacted my ex, I sent her a txt msg and email that said something along the lines of "enjoy your rebound guy you fat hippie " and then I went off on her telling her she was fat, emotionally repressed, and stupid. It felt good that I got the closure, but I went to the hospital afterward because I suffered another attack.(my friend throws the hospital thing in my face a lot).

 

3. I beat a pillow with my ex's name on it. It helped me relieve some anger... but my friend caught me.

 

4. I've pined for her loudly. I've even spoken to myself, IN PUBLIC, to try and rationalize(not too loudly, under my breath) the whole thing. Even when I try she's still on my mind.

 

Do I need to be committed or was I just taking this whole thing way too hard? Is my friend right, did I need help, despite seeing therapists amidst this and trying to seek as much help as I could? Do I need to seclude myself from others? Am I a danger to everyone around me? Or was I just unable to deal with my pain in a healthy way?

 

I only ask this now because my best friends opinion means quite a bit to me. And I'm afraid he might be right. Do I need help even though this was my very first heartbreak? Should I commit myself? I just... I feel so conscious about it right now.

[Turbo]

I personally don't feel that you need to be committed. I feel as though you're taking it very badly and it doesn't seem like you really have anyone to talk to so you bottle up your emotions and when released, you release them in a destructive way.

 

My ex said some harsh things to me when we broke up and later on told me he said it cause he thought it'd make the break up easier. Perhaps that's what you did when you said what you did to your ex.

 

I would suggest finding someone you can confide in to talk to about things. It'll make you feel better.

[Silentlyfor]

Yeah... I tried. My best friend was good for that for about 2 days. I was struggling to find people to talk to about it for days... but couldn't. And speaking to a therapist was days away. It was hard. I didn't want to do those things, but I did. I still think I'm a guy with problem that needs help.

[gaiden]

Btw, the first give away that a person is NOT insane is them asking the question "Am I insane"

[gaiden]

And btw, unless you friend is a licensed pschologist, it doesn't matter. What he should be saying instead of you are insane is that you might need professional help because you really are taking this hard... just my 2 cents

[Silentlyfor]

Lol funny thing is, I did. Do you know what the therapist said to me? Here's what he said;

 

"Don't worry Redmage22. I think you needed to go through something like this. After all, you're experiencing these emotions for the first time."

 

So in other words, the therapist was confident that I wouldn't do anything like this again... and that I was fine. And.... He said it was good that I did something like this... Why would he say that?

[Turbo]

Yeah... I tried. My best friend was good for that for about 2 days. I was struggling to find people to talk to about it for days... but couldn't. And speaking to a therapist was days away. It was hard. I didn't want to do those things, but I did. I still think I'm a guy with problem that needs help.

 

To be honest he/she doesn't sound much like a best friend. My best friends are there for me no matter what and say what I need to hear, not what I want to. Sounds to me like your best friend is putting you down a bit and you even said they were throwing the hospital thing in your face. That's not something a best friend should do.

 

THey shoul dbe there for you and try to help you through it. Stuff like this doesn't go away overnight and it sounds to me like your best friend just assumed it would. Which means he didn't take it very seriously.

[Silentlyfor]

To be honest he/she doesn't sound much like a best friend. My best friends are there for me no matter what and say what I need to hear, not what I want to. Sounds to me like your best friend is putting you down a bit and you even said they were throwing the hospital thing in your face. That's not something a best friend should do.

 

THey shoul dbe there for you and try to help you through it. Stuff like this doesn't go away overnight and it sounds to me like your best friend just assumed it would. Which means he didn't take it very seriously.

 

Actually... he didn't take it at all seriously. Not any one of my friends did. They al thought... well.. I was insane... They just wanted me to get over this... and never mention it again. And when I did mention it they said "I don't want to hear another word about Chloe. Let it go." They didn't care to let me grieve...

[jenny_mcs]

I think the amount of rage and hatred you are feeling towards your ex is very unhealthy.

 

From reading your older threads, it appears that the 2 of you dated for a year or so, then broke up, and a few months later she started dating someone else.

 

I'm not trying to diminish your pain, but I think you need to ask yourself why you feel this intense hatred towards her. Most people will go through life and have lots of relationships. Some we end, because the person is not right for us, and sometimes we get dumped because the other person isn't happy with us.

 

Why the hatred, insults, and death wishes towards this woman?

[Silentlyfor]

That's just it. I don't know. I feel if I'm never going to see her again... I think that's the pain that's really destroying. I just... I can't believe that somebody that said they loved me so much and even stayed in the province for me... would... would... leave me.

 

I guess my hate is what I will believe will break me away from her. On top of which... I put so much love towards her... now it feels wasted. I feel like it was a waste of time.

 

I also feel like she was my only chance(sometimes) and the person that I had my ONLY CHANCE with was well... emotionally maladjusted. I feel like I was fooled by a person that I date for a year but didn't even know.

[Silentlyfor]

I know why. It was because I was abused by my parents for a good 16 years of my life... Then Chloe came and not only treated me with love and respect and a famlial sense of concern(her whole family did) that I never had from ANYBODY before. She just came.... and I thought.... I thought all the * * * * I went through finally meant something. I thought my life was... filled with hope again.

 

We had problems during the relationship but I still loved her and her family. I was given an experience that I never had before.... love unconditionally.

 

But then she left me... call one day and said she never wanted to see me again. I was crushed but I couldn't feel the loss then.... I don't know why... mabey it was because I was suppressing my anger during my therapy.... It's as if I treated her like she was not truly gone.

 

And I don't know why but after I was finished therapy... when I found out she found somebody else my mind finally clicked and it said "It's over". Then I became depressed with grief and loss. I thought she betrayed me. I guess that's why I'm so angry. The one person I loved in my life... turned away from me on a whim. Not even my abusive family did that to me.

 

Great... now I feel like I'm a horrible person for letting jealousy start all this. What kind of person am I?

[rajabah]

You have strange ways of coping with your breakup.

 

And the "Letters to your exes" thread you seem to go from complete hatred in one post to being apologetic and wanting her back in another post. I don't know if that's exactly insane, but it doesn't seem normal to me.

[Silentlyfor]

That's how I'm feeling though.... I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess I should bring this up with my therpist. I don't know where these feelings of hatred really came from.

 

God.... I'm a monster. I still think I'm just horrible person... Like.... What am I doing here? This didn't start out of love... this whole thing started for me out of jealousy. I don't know if more professional help is going to do anything more than what it has for me.

[Silentlyfor]

Actually... guys... this 'hatred' feels more like jealousy than anything else. The picture of her ex brought up way to much for me.

 

I don't think it's normal at all... but if typing my letters on the board here keeps me from NC or otherwise, it'll have to do.

 

My post above about the abuse and whatnot. I really think I'm just coming up with excuses. This is immense anger that I'm dealing with and I'm very bad when it comes to it. I react to it to strongly.

 

The problem is, I was never angry for the last 20 years. So I'm thinking this is bottled up anger that I'm shifting towards her. I don't think I really wish her ill. I just think this is the little child in me saying "I hate you for loving me and letting me go. Nobody has ever done that to me." However, I still love her(somewhat) so the conflict is there.

 

Really, I'm taking it to seriously based on one emotion. God I hate my friend for showing me that picture and telling me about the guy. It is not helping.

[Silentlyfor]

I realize why I was so angry at her. It's because I grieving the wrong loss. It's not my love for her I was grieving... It was our friendship. Our lives were taking different directions. I'm in pain, not because I want her by my side, but because I just want the one person who related to me to still be in my life.

 

It's not love that is making me so angry... it's need for my best friend to be by my side.

[rajabah]

The opposite of love is not hate - it's apathy. If you love someone they have a degree of control over your emotions. Likewise, if you hate someone they still have a degree of control over you and your emotions. If you just don't care, then they have no control over you at all.

 

Anger is a part of the healing process, but you can't stay angry at her forever. If you really want to move on from this you have to stop being angry at her and forgive her. It probably won't happen overnight, but as long as you're making progress, that's good.

[ReallyHurt]

I realize why I was so angry at her. It's because I grieving the wrong loss. It's not my love for her I was grieving... It was our friendship. Our lives were taking different directions. I'm in pain, not because I want her by my side, but because I just want the one person who related to me to still be in my life.

 

It's not love that is making me so angry... it's need for my best friend to be by my side.

 

I know exactly what you mean and can relate 100% to your problem. I feel like the same thing is happening to me right now and I also have the same feelings you do. I'm angry, pissed off, but still in love. I say I hate him, but I want to be with him so badly. He was my best friend. I feel like my family was never really there for me.

[Silentlyfor]

I know exactly what you mean and can relate 100% to your problem. I feel like the same thing is happening to me right now and I also have the same feelings you do. I'm angry, pissed off, but still in love. I say I hate him, but I want to be with him so badly. He was my best friend. I feel like my family was never really there for me.

 

Yeah... what worries me is that I said I wished for her untimely death. That worries me.... I keep thinking I need help. Mabey this is an anger management issue more than anything else.

[GottaLetItBurn]

You need to get the anger out, just don't cross the line and you'll be okay with that. Other than that, I have wispered to myself that I was going to be okay, no matter what happens things will get better. Your mind needs to hear things like that so it can make the shift towards being happy. Yes you need to feed your mind possitive thoughts. If you believe you can do something your subconscious mind makes it a reality. It's no different than practicing a game or skill, the more your mind has to do it the easier it gets.

 

If you tell your mind your healthy and things are going to get better, it will makes your body healthy and give you strenght. Your doing good. Keep it up.

 

Stay up.