Is complete healing possible after a betrayal?

[AWomanScorned]

I'm what one would consider a beautiful woman. I am not conceited. And I don't think I am better than anyone else because of it. I just know that I am outwardly attractive by societal standards. I've never had a problem garnering male attention, and I've been complimented on my looks my entire life. I have a wonderful career (I'm a real estate agent), and from outward appearances it looks like I have the perfect life. But I don't. I should be the happiest person in the world but I'm not.

 

My problem is that I've been psychologically damaged by a lying, philandering, ex-husband. And I don't believe I'll ever be able to make another relationship work because of this.

 

The day my husband left me, without so much as a hand written letter, my life went spiraling out of control. I lost so much, including my capacity to trust.

 

I gave my whole heart to this man and he gave me nothing in return. I allowed myself to be completely vulnerable to him. Now, due to the infidelity and betrayel, I'm scared that I'll never be able to offer myself freely to anyone else.

 

There was one man that I got serious about after my husband left. But I successfully sabotaged the relationship. My insecurity finally overwhelmed him and he left too. Well, he didn't leave I pushed him out the door.

 

I do date, occasionally, but nothing ever pans out. When men start getting close to me I go into self destruct mode.

 

I talk with a counselor about this and he said that it is best to shy away from intimate relationships altogether at this juncture of my life.

 

Now that I am concentrating on my career and picking up the pieces of my life I realize that I still want a man in my life.

But I am so afraid. I can't take being hurt like that again.

 

Can you ever love again?

[annie24]

hey there - yes, I think you can love again, but right now, you are still going through the hurt, even more so triggered by your recent events!

 

Your analysis of this guy that you used to date but pushed away is probably right - maybe you are just not ready at this stage to be in a relationship, at least, not until you have gotten over the hurt your ex caused you.

 

keep talking to your counselor. you have to know what your ex-husband did was exceptionally scummy! this wasn't a normal type of scummy behavior, and it says nothing about you, and everything about him! You're young, beautiful, successful, tons of men would love to have a gf like you! The fact that he left.... doesn't say ANYTHING about your self-worth. he was very selfish and karma definitely got him back.

 

I do think you should heal.

 

maybe once this current situation is over, you should take a small vacation to a healing and wellness resort by yourself? or go find a nice beach to lay out on all on your own?

[FoxLocke]

AWS(I hope you don't mind me acronyming your screen name?), you survived it. You will survive. You will move on and find love again.

 

What I admire about you most is your strength and tenacity. Most people would come completely unglued. But you managed to pick yourself up and go on with a successful career.

You are incredibly brave, in my honest opinion. You had the proverbial rug snatched right from under you, but you still held it together and kept on keeping on.

 

AWS, don't let that scumbag (I know you still love him but if the shoe fits) haunt you for the rest of your life. Do whatever it takes to endure the healing process. I think I've said it before but this is your final test. When you were never going to see him again it was easy. But now you have to find the strength to completely divorce yourself from him, physically and spiritually.

 

AWS you are going to make it. You just keep on. There are millions of men out there who would love to be with a beautiful independent woman, who has the capacity to love someone who doesn't deserve it.

 

Keep coming here and talking to the enotaloners. You'll get through this trial in your life!

 

Cheers!

[robowarrior]

Its nice to be beautifull but its more beautifull to be nice. So my advice is that you get a 'nice' guy in your life. It would be better then bringing another demon in your life. You see no matter how beautifull you are ,or highly valued by society standards. I actually have experience with people who are like you, and what it comes down to is that they make 'godawfull decisions' to who and which kind of people they 'allow' in their lives , you might as well invite an elephant to your house and let it wreck the place and stamp over, you. Why not invite a drugs criminal , or even date Satan himself? If you get the basic gist , you'll understand that no matter how successfull you are, if you make a decision to bring someone destructive in your life, that person will drag you along in their 'black hole' of despair.

 

Knock your head on a table and think about how stupid your decision has been to bring in demon in the house ,that's better and less painfull then the heartacke/psychiaters/medicines and being burned and flamed by going thru the hell that these kind of people drag you thru. Or better yet 'understand' how important and life altering choises and decisions can bring on your life.

 

The thing is , you can only usually see such things if you drag it into the exaggerated. The difference between dating an angel or a devil = evident. Its a choice between complete misery or happynes. Not all men are like your abusive ex-husband. And you shouldn't judge all the guys just over your ex-husband. Your merely just afraid of getting hurt again. This has made you feel insecure about the decisions you make. However fear is a state of hell to begin with, imagine you are in a room with a door, that door effectivly becomes a prison if you are too afraid to go thru that door. Even if it represents pain, if you don't move on , you can never proceed to a new level, you'll always remain stuck in that mud pool where you are in now.

 

More over that, don't let others ruin your life. You at this moment have effectivly put your life on a halt , because of a negative experience. This way you are unable to enjoy life again, you need to fight against that. And quite honestly, life is like a boxing game, being afraid of getting hurt is useless , because you WILL GET HURT, so might as well go for gold and beat the hell out of your opponent which is life itself. Your actions at this moment speak of absurd fear.

 

What is needed in life is not fear, nothing can grow from that ,

Cast off your fear!

Look forward!

Go forward!

Never stand still.

Retreat and you will age.

Hesitate and you will die.

[Bethany]

I think you are getting good advice from your counsellor and I totally agree with him.

 

This will pass and you WILL find love again but you can't hurry time or healing, it takes time for hurt to fade and to regain your confidence.

When you can live life happily alone, without needing a man to come into it, it means you are healed, and only then will you will be ready to start dating again. Good Luck.

[PocoDiablo]

There was one man that I got serious about after my husband left. But I successfully sabotaged the relationship. My insecurity finally overwhelmed him and he left too. Well, he didn't leave I pushed him out the door.

 

I do date, occasionally, but nothing ever pans out. When men start getting close to me I go into self destruct mode.

 

.....

 

Can you ever love again?

Yes.

 

All you have to do is find a man who can stand up to your tests and knock them down as the self-desctructive BS that they are.

 

Easier said than done. The problem that you will face is that the majority of men, well ... guys, that you will run into are not well enough versed to understand that your self-destructive behaviors are designed to be a self-fulfilling prophecy and ruin all your relationships.

 

What do you need?

 

You need a mature, stable, and insightful man who can see right through you and pierce the veil of power/control that you exert on most guys that you meet. Who is he? I don't know, but when you find the guy who stands up to you, and blows through your mis-guided attempts to screw yourself, you'll love him for it.

 

Me? I'd say this is a "standard" that you have - to find an excellent man - and that you should never back down from having high standards.

 

Bravo on weeding out the men who are not deserving of you. Keep looking, and understand that you are just that much more demanding that 99% of the people out there. It's perfectly normal in a wonderful way.