Lost, confused, depressed, lonely

[alboy]

This is gonna be a long one but I really need to vent.

I'm 24 years old.

I've had only 1 girlfriend whom I loved but I she never really loved me back. Its been 4 years since I've had a girlfriend. I have dated but it doesn't usually last more than a month. I barely have any friends to be with. They aren't that close. I don't hang out with them often. I'm pretty much a loner. Everyone says I'm a nice, sweet guy so I know I'm not disliked. I'm also a virgin. I've had opportunities to have sex but I never really pushed it. Why? Not sure really. I was certainly attracted but I guess I thought it might not be right to sleep with a girl who I'm not at least in a serious relationship yet.

As I mentioned I only had 1 serious relationship. And its not that no girls like me either. The ones that like me, I don't like. And the ones I like, don't like me. I don't think my standards are too high, but maybe its too high for me. But I don't know if I can be truly happy with someone I don't have a passion for. Maybe I'm meeting the wrong women. Maybe I have the dreaded nice guy syndrome, but I don't know how to lose it. It really sucks when the girls I know say I'm really nice and I'm the guy girls want to marry in the end. But the girl who says it is never the girl who wants me. I don't act sad when I'm out on a date. I put on my happy cheerful face, hide all my problems, and try to be fun, romantic, and charming. And yet the girl I want never really takes a high enough interest in me. I can be a little shy but not that much. I try to be a gentlemen.

For example the girl I'm currently dating. She's a a bad girl and flirt I guess. 1st date she seemed to really like me. And over the phone talking she sounded like she still really liked me. 2nd date was short but she still seemed interested. 3rd date I went with her and her girlfriends to a club. They left with some her guy friends at the club. Needless to say it hurt my feelings a lot. Sure she was a little drunk and high, but still she didnt say anything the next day. I assume she doesn't have feelings for me anymore or maybe that's just the way she is. But what does one normally do? Should I still persue? Or should I just drop it? Normally I would just give up, but sometimes I think I just give up too easily. Guys need to be more aggressive right? They need to go for what they want?

I'm out of college and I work at a very small company. I don't know how to meet girls anymore. The ones I do meet are online which are rare and doesn't turn out well. I just don't know what to do anymore and I don't know what to be or how to act and I'm so lonely.

Sorry its such a long post but I really needed to get stuff out.

To recap some general questions...

 

1) Is it ok to persue a girl who doesn't like me? And to what extent? And what should I do to spark her interest again?

2) How do I win a girls heart and keep it? Romance doesn't seem to work. (at least not on the girls I'm dating.)

3) What's wrong with me? Do I need anxiety or depression drugs?

[Lone Star1607306437]

Howdy Alboy.

 

first off, be yourself. If you strive too hard to change yerself, you may end up forgetting who ya really are. Make-overs are okay I guess, but don't stop being a pleasant person if that's yer nature. The reason I'm telling you to not change yer personality is cause you'll end up with a chick that will think yer this new person, and then break yer heart if she starts seeing the real you emerge> if that's not the person she finds an attraction to. There are alot of girls out there that'll like you for you>as yerself! So, be yerself! Does this make sense?

 

Also. be more outgoing. You can still be yerself, but be more outgoing. Be friendly, and genuinely be interested as well as interesting. Learn some good jokes and practice telling them. Practice facial expressions and animate yer voice a little bit. Doing this is not contradictory to being yerself. It's enhansing yerself.

 

Happy Trails!

Lone Star

[Sage]

Hey alboy,

First of all I think the fact that you opened up and vented is cool. I understand your problem, even if I can't give you all the answers. From a girl's point of view, pursuing, to and extent shows devotion to the girl. It lets her know you won't give up that she's worth it. As to when to stop I'd say that depends on the situation, the restraining order usually is a clue, {just kidding, and ice breaker if you will, =)} but usually... well that's hard to say because each girl is different, I'd say trust your heart on that one. Keeping a girl, romance isn't always the answer, we are humans, sometimes we just want a really good friend to talk to, we don't date just to date. We date because the guy is interesting and is someone we can go to and its not all romance, its one of those are ya goin to be there through thick and thin. I think that when you know you found the one you'll do anything to keep, and she'll stay. So maybe you haven't been able to keep one know, that doesn't make you any less of a person. I should know, my dating experiance stinks. I know what you mean. From what you've told me I don't think you should change a thing, be yourself, because if you're not eventually you'll loose site of who you really are and then you won't be anywhere but confused. Sorry this is so long but I thought you might like a girl's opinion. Anywho I don't think anything is wrong with you except that you need a friend to talk to bring your problems to, girl or guy, and if you don't mind I'd like to try, if that's ok with you. But don't take any form of drugs, and being serious now, no drugs unless prescribed by a doctor, seriously. Two last things for you, quotes by people (unfortunately i don't know who!)

 

1."Just go out there and do what you have to do."

2."Luck is a matter of of preperation meeting opportunity."

Well i hope i've helped in some way, talk to you soon.

[alboy]

Thanks Sage for the insight.

Sometimes I feel really torn between "what's right" and "how the world works". Its confusing to know which is the best path to follow in life.

And I understand what you said about pursuing. Some are worth it, and some are just not.

As for keeping a girl, I don't think I have trouble being the person they want to talk to. I'm actually pretty good at that. I think my problem is sparking their interest and excitement. I'm definitely not boring and not interesting. I think my problem is more perception. Maybe I just need to relax more on my dates. From your girl's point of view, the guys that you liked, do you feel comfortable yet slightly intimidated? You're comfortable around him but you don't know if he truly likes you? Keep in mind I'm asking about guys that you liked, not guys that you WOULD like.

Sometimes it seems like to me that a guy cannot lose control in the relationship. A guy cannot let a girl know he really likes her. He can let her know that he's interested, but nothing more early on. I guess its natural instincts I suppose.

Am I right?

[Lightingbird]

Feeling alone can be a really tough thing to deal with but you just need adjust your life abit to get out of it.

 

What you need to do is to get out twice a week to some sort of Singles event. Wether it be a nightclub, bar, shopping in the mall or casually driving in a popular district in your town. Ask some friends/coworkers where they go for fun and ask to go out with them.

 

You have to start somewhere.

 

Put up a ad on yahoo personals, singlesnet and any other dating service online to help you meet women. Perferably with a picture.

 

Also you are going to have to learn to approach women so that you can get to know them out in public. This can be a great aid for you, I'm sure everyday when you are out you come accross an attractive woman. Start approaching them in a respectful way and who knows... you may meet someone nice.

 

Some quick dating rules:

 

She is not committed to you; so anything goes. If she suddenly stops being interested in you. Don't take it personal. She doesn't own you anything so just take that she lost interest and move on.

 

Keep your options open while you are dating.

 

Look for things you like in a woman for a reason to pursue and reason why you should leave alone as well.

 

As far as your questions:

 

You can pursue a woman as long as you desire but not to the point when you are bothering her and she gets annoyed. As far as getting her interest again, why not simply look elsewhere? You can apply that energy towards a new interest.

 

Romance...

Well there is no magic formula to be honest. What you need to focus on is compatibility. Same hobbies, likes, dislikes and goals. A woman that is like you so that you can spend more time together, have fun doing it and can grow into something lasting.

Also...

You might wanna becareful of the woman that you are trying to meet. Find someone that is mature, trustworthy, makes about the same amount income as you, religious or greatly grounded morals, college educated or seeking further education. Going for good looks is not the key here.

 

Drugs...

You will need to do two things to determine that:

1. Try some new things( some of the above suggestions ) and have some fun. If you still feel the same way see a psychologist.

2. Let him/her and you decide if you need medication.

 

As is sounds now, medication might not be your fix, just some more electricity in your life may be simply needed.

 

I wish you the best, GET OUT and enjoy life, only you can make that change.

 

Good luck to you.

 

[Sage]

Alboy,

First of all I need to know where you're coming from with some of these questions. When you say felt intimidated on dates I have been on, are you asking because you felt that way on some of your dates or you asking that as in do girls feel that way? And second about loosing control, do you mean as in the upper hand of a relation ship or loose control in other ways. Sorry I need to know where you comin from so I can help with the girls point of view best I can.

P.S. Email email removed

[FuelieVett]

Listen up man. This is how it is. You gotta be happy being single. If you can't be happy being single, in otherwords being yourself, what makes you think any girl could be happy with you. I have your same problem. Well had your same problem. You just gotta be happy being you. If you are happy with being you then that crap about "standards too high" will go away. If you can be happy being you then you will have the confidence to ask out any girl whether super model or super brain because you will know, no matter what, you deserve who you desire. When you can be happy being single then it won't matter whether or not you have a girl at the moment.

 

Now as for how to have this joy in being you you've gotta want to be happy first that's up to you, but try this. Remember you can have any girl you see and if she doesn't want you then you can do better than a girl who can't see how great you are. Sound conceded? Well thats right, but sounds to me like you've been too humble in your opion of yourself. Time to believe in yourself, and I mean really believe.

[Sage]

Hey,

I completely agree FuelieVett has a point, if you can't be happy with you then a girl won't be either. For all of my advise i think he said it better. So stop being so negative and get out there and just do your thing. Your don't have to be so humble, be you. Love happens when you least expect it.

 

Sage