living as a very un attractive woman

[TheRedQueen]

Well, at least you're not a very unattractive man. That's even worse.

 

 

Absolute Hogwash!!!

[alreadydead]

can you get a job? are you on disability?

 

 

No. I got a degree in computers 4 years ago. But I've learned that they only hire for LOOKS. Fat, ugly women don't get jobs. I'm also physically disabled and couldn't do anything but a desk job. And no I can't get on disability because I'm too poor to have anyone proove that anything's wrong.

[annie24]

stop feeling sorry for yourself! you are a grown woman, with a college education, you have so much more than so many other women out there in Pakistan or Ethiopia. You have opporunities to make your life better.

 

Go out and keep looking for jobs! and once you get a job, you can make money, then use that money towards improving yourself, your life, your hobbies, etc.

 

that is not true that people get hired for looks alone. sure, looks can help, but experience is important also. you have a computer degree, there are lots of jobs available to you. go out and get one.

[Daddy Bear]

Because ALL men want the PERFECT woman - perfect face and perfect body - nothing less will do. Men are alone because of their own high standards. Women are alone because men expect only the hottest chicks in the world to be falling all over them, regardless of what they look like or weigh.

i understand how you feel, but please don't blame all of us.

 

the fact that you have had boyfriends means that you are not "hideous" or "the ugliest person in the world". it means more likely that you have Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

 

success does depend on one's expectations. alreadydead, would YOU date a really homely guy? if so, i have some friends who would probably think you were all that and a bag of chips. that goes for christy too. but if you wouldn't, then you shouldn't complain about men who act the same way.

[HellFrost666]

Ok, I know you said you wanted to talk to other women, but I've seen other guys reply here so...

 

First off, you are probably not unattractive. I have noticed (and I hate to generalize) that women are very self critical when it comes to their looks. All this talk about how unattractive you are makes me curious about what you really look like. I won't ask for a pic though.

 

I think, (and I really do think this), that their is physical beauty in most people. FInd the features about yourself that you like, and improve on them.

 

My girlfriend thought she was unattractive for a long time. An abusive relationship caused her to think this way. (and for the record it wasn't me who abused her.) But, she has gorgeous eyes. Her eyes are hypnitic. So she does her eye makeup in a way that draws attention to them. She also really likes her feet. So she wears sandals a lot. Do you see what I'm getting at here? And it is just as easy to hide what you don't like as much as it is to bring out what you do like.

 

Like, using my girlfriend as an example again. She says she has "man legs." She thinks her calf muscles are too big. So whenever she wears a short skirt she wears big knee high Kombat boots.

 

But what makes her truly beutiful is the way she carries herself.

 

If you see yourself as attractive, you will be attractive. I know that sounds hokey, but I think it is true. People are are called unattractive are amazed at what happens when they change their own opinion.

[annie24]

I understand that losing weight is not easy. I have been there myself. Very true, it could very easily be medical. Which is all the more reason to get a job and get insurance so you can see the doctor.

[TheRedQueen]

Maybe the world we live in is shallow, America land of the free on closer inspection is quite sickening. God help all the poor, ugly, fat, sick, and miserable, why? cause in all reality this society really doesn't care a whole lot for you. Don't mean to be negative but the truth hurts sometimes, and that is why I aspire to be a recluse.

[SarahRose]

I agree with what annie said.

 

alreadydead, if you don't have a job, how do you live and eat?

 

You have a lot going for you. You are a young, able bodied, educated woman and it is sad you want to live your life as a one woman pity party.

 

You could get a job if you just went out and looked for one with the right attitude. I have worked in IT for years and there are plenty of not so attractive and overweight people.

[christy990]

HI already dead, thank you for writing. I read your letter and wanted to cry. Yoour only 28, please write me anytime, we will cheer each other up. PLEASE, write me anytime, i will write back everytime. A future friend, if you want one. Iam 45, going on 46, and im not going to give up, im going to a dentist and a therapist, and im going to work on christy.

[annie24]

yeah christy!!!! seriously, you can do it. life is too short to be unhappy.

[TheRedQueen]

The mind is the last thing to deteriorate, and looks fade in an instant. The benefits of therapy far outweigh the benefits of cosmetic surgery.

[shes2smart]

Ok, I'll give ya an alternative to the "lose weight" adivce, then.

 

Don't do it. I ascribe to the belief that diets don't work and will only serve to screw up your metabolism and your relationship with food and eating. Over time, there's evidence suggesting that diets will end up making you fatter than if you had never dieted at all. I have also read many books that suggest it is more hazardous to your health to lose weight and regain it repeatedly (which is what most people who diet will end up doing) than it is to just be at a stabilized, but high, weight.

 

Diets insinuate that you can't be trusted to feed yourself properly. How incredibly insulting is that?

 

Poor or not, the public library is available to you. There are a number of books about a non-diet approach to eating, accepting yourself as you are no matter your weight or appearance, and some that explore the reasons why our culture is so crazy about this issue. Due to problems I had in this area in my late teens/early 20's, I was introduced to these a long time ago. I am currently re-reading many of the titles that were out when I was dealing with this back then and reading the things that have come out since due to a flare-up of this issue in my life again.

 

Here's a short list of the books I've been reading (or re-reading) recently:

"Feeding the Hungry Heart" - Geneen Roth

"Breaking Free from Compulsive Eating" - Geneen Roth

"The Beauty Myth" - Naomi Wolf

"Overcoming Overeating" - Jane R. Hirschmann and Carol H. Munter

"When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies" - Jane R. Hirschmann and Carol H. Munter

"The Obesity Myth" - Paul Campos

 

The cultural climate is much worse now than it was on my first go-round with these issues in my own life. I already know this stuff, and it's still tough to stay sane and grounded when you're surrounded by a culture that is completely insane. Oddly enough, I was just discussing this with someone earlier today....Even the most sane, rational person doing the most sane, rational things, when completely surrounded by insanity, will start to question themselves....and that's when the problems start.

 

So, yes, be angry. Be furious. You have every reason to. But don't turn that fury on yourself. This is not something you overcome by being angry at yourself, hating yourself, yelling at yourself, or treating yourself badly. You've already been doing that and it hasn't really worked, has it?

 

If you want an end to feeling bad about yourself, then you need to start practicing kindness, gentleness and acceptance toward yourself. When you start treating yourself in these ways, it is much more likely that others will start treating you that way as well. And if they don't, you will have developed the ability to defend yourself against those attacks with dignity and grace.

[christy990]

I just wanted to say thank you annie. Your very sweet.

[HellFrost666]

My apologies to the mods if what I am about to say is out of line...

 

Now I have gone back and re-read this thread a little more. I just read the first post before.

 

AlreadyDead. I would suggest for you the same advice I gave Christy990, except for one little thing. Stop whining! I highly doubt you are the ugliest womon in the world. And you claim this while talking abou these women who are uglier then you (who's picture you put up on rating sites).

 

In your case (i think) a change in attitude would make you a lot better looking. I can tell by reading your posts that it's how you carry yourself and your own self image that makes you "ugly." You are very self loathing.

 

I agree that we shouldn't think we have to be preppy and all wear Old Navy. God knows I don't dress that way and don't really associate with people who do.

 

But, you need to stop pittying yourself. So what if you've put up with crap in your life. So have I. So has everyone. It almost seems like you wamt to be ugly.

 

Christy990, I wish you the best of luck. I can tell that you have a lot of inner beauty.

[annie24]

I just wanted to say thank you annie. Your very sweet.

 

no problem

 

another easy beauty secret... wear pearls! pearls cast an incandescent, soft light on your face, which makes women look prettier instantly.

 

and yes, I agree with s2s. it's far more important to feel good about how you look and be happy with your size as opposed to yo-yo dieting. if you are naturally a size 12 or 14, no big deal! it's better to be a stable 12 than be going up and down all over the place.

[strndedbyluv]

hey christy.

i feel ya on this one...as an unattractive person myself. i have learned to deal with it. it is very hard and i have gained tons of weight making myself even more disgusting looking. I do tend to stay out of the crowds, and away from things of that nature...but on the occasions that i do have to venture out into the world, i just try to ignore the stares. it really helped me when i was married, or in a relationship, thats why i have a hard time coping and even living daily life as a single person. When i was with someone, i still knew i was ugly, but it didnt matter because someone wanted me. I just try to tell myself now that there is someone out there for me still. Now when i go out, i just think, oh well...im just a person like them. so what if they look better. Im smart, and have some good things going for me.

I implore you to do the same thing. Dont worry about what ppl think about you. just live life for yourself, and try to have fun. Go to a bar, or somewhere to meet new people and act like you are the most beautiful person there. Just for ONE nite and see how you feel. Be confident and talk to anyone who you feel is looking at you. Its hard, but you will see that its not gonna kill ya! once you gain a little confidence and be happy with yourself, others will view you the same way and will want to talk with you and hang aroudn with you. People that stare at you and still dont talk to you are not worth your time in worrying over.

Good luck!

[RelaxByWater84]

I once felt like you did. So what one friend suggested to me is to focus on one part of you that is attractive. This is going to sound crazy but, trust me it works. When you look in the mirror focus on that part of you that is attractive and say, out loud so you can hear, I have nice________. mine was my eyes. I would say I have nice eyes to myself in the mirror everyday until I noticed another attractive thing about myself, it was my hair(ironically these were the two biggest things I wanted to change, I have brown hair and brown eyes, I wanted blonde hair and blue eyes, like my friends) I would then say I have pretty brown eyes and pretty brown hair. Keep adding to the list and saying the first thing you thought was attractive to the last thing you thought was attractive. I have come to terms that my body type I will always have. I am now working on liking my full, square shaped face and what I consider my man jaw. I am a work in progress. Give that a try, sounds crazy but believe me it work. Oh another good thing to do if you are putting on blush, smile while(hehe sorry) you are putting in on. I have a better day when I do that. Hope this helps.

[FoxLocke]

To all the women who feel they are hideous I have a suggestion...

 

This may sound corny as all get out, but when I was going through having low self esteem I constantly played two songs, over and over again...

 

1.) "Beautiful" By Christina Aguilera

 

2.) "Strength, Courage, and Wisdom" by India Arie

 

Listening to the lyrics of each tune gave me affirmation. True, you might be ugly to the shallow jerks out there. But you can be truly beautiful to yourself.

 

To quote Christina, "You are beautiful in every single way/ Words can't bring you down..."

 

Yes, it is corny. But it worked like a charm for me. And this from a former highschool student who felt like he was too ugly to live at one point(note: my opinion is quite the opposite now...haha).

[shes2smart]

If you're gonna go that route, also check India.Arie's songs "Video" and "I Am Not My Hair"

[alreadydead]

 

success does depend on one's expectations. alreadydead, would YOU date a really homely guy? if so, i have some friends who would probably think you were all that and a bag of chips. that goes for christy too. but if you wouldn't, then you shouldn't complain about men who act the same way.

 

My friends think my ex's are ugly and they'd never have dated them.

[alreadydead]

stop feeling sorry for yourself! you are a grown woman, with a college education, you have so much more than so many other women out there in Pakistan or Ethiopia. You have opporunities to make your life better.

 

Go out and keep looking for jobs! and once you get a job, you can make money, then use that money towards improving yourself, your life, your hobbies, etc.

 

that is not true that people get hired for looks alone. sure, looks can help, but experience is important also. you have a computer degree, there are lots of jobs available to you. go out and get one.

 

 

IF THERE WERE JOBS AVAILABLE TO ME I'D HAVE ONE!!

[alreadydead]

I agree with what annie said.

 

alreadydead, if you don't have a job, how do you live and eat?

 

You have a lot going for you. You are a young, able bodied, educated woman and it is sad you want to live your life as a one woman pity party.

 

You could get a job if you just went out and looked for one with the right attitude. I have worked in IT for years and there are plenty of not so attractive and overweight people.

 

 

You're wrong. I am not able bodied. I could ONLY have a desk job. I can't walk or stand let alone do hard labor.

[alreadydead]

Thanks... I'm definitely going to look those books up. I never made it through my Dr. Phil book because it sounds written for someone that's got it all and just isn't happy with it. lol

[alreadydead]

HI already dead, thank you for writing. I read your letter and wanted to cry. Yoour only 28, please write me anytime, we will cheer each other up. PLEASE, write me anytime, i will write back everytime. A future friend, if you want one. Iam 45, going on 46, and im not going to give up, im going to a dentist and a therapist, and im going to work on christy.

 

 

Hey I was going to PM you but you don't accept PM's. I wanted to give you my email address.

[Proactive Paradigm]

And this guy, Proactive Paradigm - don't complain about being an ugly man! (Sorry don't mean to attack you personally here) I have heard sooooooo many guys complain, "boo hoo, girls don't like me" when what they REALLY mean is that "super hot chicks don't like me". Because ALL men want the PERFECT woman - perfect face and perfect body - nothing less will do. Men are alone because of their own high standards. Women are alone because men expect only the hottest chicks in the world to be falling all over them, regardless of what they look like or weigh. (I'm not picking on you Proactive, I just had to say my mind about that in general.)

 

I didn't take any offense (and anyway what you said is true, so no big). And it is not my intention to be a chauvanist (sp) or jerk (though that usually happens regardless), so try to bear with me for the rest of this.

 

FYI, the person I feel I have clicked with more than anyone I have met in my life isn't a supermodel. And yeah, I've been in the thrall of ladies hotter. But that doesn't matter because nobody else has made me feel the same way and I love her to death. Doesn't work the other way round though. But I would not hold out for a perfect figure blonde stunner or anything. Call it lame, call it stupid, but a person to me is so much more than their appearance.

 

Hypocrisy is the cry! For if that were true PP, why would you whine like the little child you are? If there's more to people than looks, why won't you shut up 'boudit?

 

I suppose because I'm just all around unattractive. some people who, shall we say, don't have it going on outside, make up for it with a winning personality, or being a great lover or something like that. Fail. And though I don't want to cast generalisations, surely you must admit that aesthetics and their importance are thrust upon us by society. Many, many people are actually that shallow. If you look kinda... ugly, it WILL push people away.

 

I gotta say, several people who claim to be unattractive on ENA have avatars that betray them. Many other people commenting on it are hot (again, avatars) and thus will hopefully never know the feeling.

 

Oh, and the other thing: I think guys have it worse not because I am one or wanted to be controversial, it is just that in my experience, guys are more likely to be alone and loser-y, and girls always get some kind of attention, no matter their appearance. There will always be more despair by a male.

 

Well, that's my take. Really don't want to ruffle feathers or make people hate me for it (though that's the natural flow); I just want to get a discussion going or something.