Letters to our ex's

[illnvrluvher]

hey you,

 

thank you for responding to the ecard i sent you. i do not know why i broke no contact with you. i am ecstatic to know that you miss me and think about me everyday, but i know you are not ready for a friendship...the truth is neither am i. i hate that you are afraid to love me. i know the relationship with "rebound guy" has nothing on what we had...he could never love you the way i do. i know where your heart really is and he will never have all of you because you are suppressing your true feelings for me.

 

what is bothering me now is the fact that you have not responded to the email i sent you. as of today i am starting NC all over again because i need the time to heal and move on with my life...with or without you. and i finally accept you do not want to be with me.

 

me

[shell80]

I think it is time for me to do this....

 

Dear Chris,

 

The last ever phone conversation we had left me with the biggest smile on my face - that was over a month ago. We were both so excited about the countdown until you were flying over so we could start life together finally. I'm choosing to remember you how you were for that last phone call. Strange now to think that that was the last time we ever spoke, and probably ever will again.

 

I don't want to remember you as you have been this last month - the guy who completely devastated my heart, I prefer the guy who once told me that if I ever left him he'd kick my * * * *, the guy who asked me to trust him with my heart again, the sweet guy with the integrity and sense of justice.

 

I'm trying to forget the way you just disappeared without a trace or explanation and remember the good times - the time I saw my first bear in the wild, the complete contentment, the amazing places you took me to, and the day you picked me up at the airport. I would like to thank you for those memories.

 

What makes me the saddest of all, is not knowing what happened, and why you couldn't love me enough to explain. All I wanted was to make you happy and show you the world as you'd dreamt of doing - but I guess I wasn't enough, wasn't what you were looking for. I hope you find whatever that is one day.

 

Too much and not enough to say....

 

'see ya later'

[Desiderata]

J,

 

I've been having a hard time with things at home and with school, but I know even if you were here I wouldn't be able to turn to you. I've been missing you a whole lot, but I know that is just my idealistic version of how you used to be instead of the person that you are right now.

 

I was walking accross campus today during work and started to talk to myself as usual. Most of the things I've realized about this situation have been because I talk to myself and realize things that I wouldn't have otherwise. I know that I would rather be feeling this lonliness right now and wait for someone that will never leave me rather than be with you and feel unloved. If you truly, without abandon loved me you would never have been able to let me go. I don't doubt that at some point you felt this way, but the hurt you've caused me can never be forgiven.

 

Do not think of this as me being unhappy, just lonely. I'm focusing on my classes more than ever, I have my student teaching assignments for next semester, I am eating a very delicious chocolate chip muffin right now, my friends are some of the best people in the entire world, and I don't need to know how you are doing. I'm sure your job is going great, I'm sure you still go on the forums only to waste your time coming up with things that have little significance, though they make you happy. They were more important than me at one point, or so I felt like. Overall, I just know I should have never been made to feel like I was a burden in your life, like things were so out of place and that I did something wrong.

 

Whatever you've done to convince yourself to move on I hope you are happy. I will always remember that you said "Someday you will make some man very happy because there are many, many things to love about you"... well you're right, there are. You are missing out on all of them.

[minniegirl]

Dear B,

 

You wanted me to write down how I felt since I could not get it out in words and I told you, you wouldn't like to see my written word. But here it goes. I hate you. I'm angry with you. I've resented you for the last 5 years of our 5 and half year relationship. I should have left you 6 months into this game of yours. I should have left you the minute you became "friends" with C. Because you've never really been friends with these women, you've been more than their friends. I should have left you the minute you weren't a present figure in your daughter’s life. I should have left you for a million reasons, but I never did. I saw all the red flags and shoved them aside because I thought I was the one in the wrong. I thought I was the crazy one in the relationship. My bad mood, my insecurities, my trust issues, everything, all me and my entire fault. Well guess what? One day this summer, I finally figured out your game and I'm no longer playing. I'm out and I'm done. I'm not the crazy one. I'm not the one who's at fault. I'm not the one who cheated and preferred other people and your beloved job over the relationship we had. Lord only knows what you did on those nights you never came home. Lord only knows who you actually slept with. Lord only knows what you truly did and I only have a bits and pieces of the whole puzzle. I gave you everything a man could ever want and you threw it all away. Well, you are now free to keep your women, your job that you work at 24x7x365, all your little friends who are WAY younger than you (but for some reason, seem to have it more together than you ever will). You can keep all these people that you say have your back, but really don't. Remember one thing and one thing only, the ONLY person who has EVER had your back, was me. I no longer do and I no longer want to. Grow up, be a man, pick yourself up, and find a backbone, a spine, and make some decisions in your life. Stop blaming the world for all of your problems. Take some responsibility for something in your life. BE A MAN!!!!! BE A FATHER!!!! BE AN ADULT!!!! These are things that elude you. You are 36 going on 21. You have no clue what you want and you are a miserable, soul sucking, life draining, worthless loser. I do hate you. I'm angry with you. I've been angry with you for months. I own my feelings and I pray for the day that I wake up and those feelings are finally gone and I can move on. I do not want to be consumed by hatred, anger, and resentment, but that's where I am right now. It's not a pretty place and the words I'm writing aren't pretty either. The amount of pain, hurt, grief, and other horrifying feelings you have caused me, have led me to this place. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain unto the nastiest creature on earth. You shattered my hopes and dreams. You were so selfish to only think about yourself and never think about me and the consequences of your actions. You beat me down. You made me feel worthless, undeserving, low, ashamed, dirty, unloved, undesired, not care for and best of all, YOU MADE ME FEEL 2ND BEST!!!! Worst of all, I allowed it to happen. It was too late for me. You reeled me and held me hostage. The wool was pulled over my eyes for a very, very long time. I never had a fighting change with you, not until now. However, I feel so very sorry for the next woman to fall into your trap. Heaven help her. If I could warn each and every human being about who you truly are, I’d be doing the public a great service. No one knows the real you, they never will. They only know the little show you put on for them, day after day. Mr. Wonderful, that’s not you. That’s a little game you put on for the world to see. It sick, it’s sad, it’s twisted. Right now, I’m in a low place, but one day, I hope to break free of these chains and reclaim my life from you and your sick, twisted ways. One day, I hope to be the person I’ve always wanted to be. I wish you the best of luck in your life and hope to not fall into the same pit, the same awful pit that I wasted 5.5 years in. I hope I’ve learned my lesson. Lord only knows, you’ll never learn yours.

 

A

[blindreepr]

Dear S,

 

How are things going? I hope that you are doing well. Things haven't been easy for me. But you've been keeping busy right? Drinking, clubbing, partying, anything to have fun whether or not you have the money for it. I'm glad that you are able to do that, because I am not. I can no longer enjoy the things that I used to. I still can't believe that you left me. I can't. I thought that we were going to be together forever. I knew that we would have our problems but I didnt think that either of us would ever give up. I guess I was wrong about you. I should have seen it though, from a million miles away. I should have know. The two women you look up to the most are miserable old wenches. One has had three divorces and the other one is an old maid in her 30's that still tries to hang with 20 somethings. They both hate men. They are both too selfish to be in a real loving relationship. I didn't think about it at first but now I see it. You look up to them so much because you identify with them. You hate men too, you also hate yourself. You don't want to allow yourself to be happy. That's why you broke up with me, thats why you cheated on me. You said yourself that you always hurt the people that you actually love. Well you did it again. You did it to me. You know all about my messed up relationships in the past. You hurt me more than any of my other past girlfriends that cheated on me. Why? Because I actually loved you. With all of my heart and you threw that away. I hate you for that. Everything that I did for you and you threw it away. I gave you a car, I got you two jobs, I paid for so much of your life just to help you out, then you left me with nothing. I hate it. I know that I wasn't perfect, I know that I made plenty of mistakes, plenty of them, but I wasnt the only one. Hell, I even stayed with you after you hit me in the face as hard as you could. This is not all on me. This is not all on you. I just wish that you could allow yourself to love me as much as I love you. I hope that you come back someday, though I don't think you will. I know you said that you wanted to try again in the future, but I dont think that will happen. I miss you so much. Goodbye....

[bustertypsy]

To M,

You know you broke my heart.You destroyed my self confidence.

I felt like I could never face the world again.The simple things became giant tasks.

I will never hate you,I will only hate what you did to us.

Why you walked out instead of fighting for what we had,I'll never know.

After all ,3.5 yrs of a highly emotional relationship, neither of us had ever known,why should it have to end.

Stubborness?I think that is your biggest enemy.

Anyway I am piecing my life together,slowly.I still have my bad days,but I will never let you know this.That is why I am posting here,and not to your front door.You are a very special and amazing human being.I hope you learned from the mistakes you made and this helps you in the future.

You will never be happy,unless you trust.

Maybe,just maybe,one day,you will.

Love you always

[comfyshoes]

all i have to say to you is Triumph Tiger 1050.

you can only dream

i now know what the fuss was all about.

and you were right.

it is better than sex.

sex with you anyway.

so

you can kiss my a**

if you can catch it.

 

so long country girl

[Aday5578]

Yall are cracking me up, i needed this laugh!!!

[bridgid8]

you have a beautiful soul, and i know that someday when you find find it, you will realize it. i hope you figure things out before it is too late for both of us.

 

i am sorry i can't talk to you. it is just too hard.

 

i miss you, terribly.

[Poe]

Hey,

 

I avoid you like the plague cuz you were a stupid c*** who screwed everything up. Not caring about ever speaking to you again is euphoric. Next time, don't assume I'm going to tolerate your bs, because you think you've "so got me" - you made it remarkably easy for me to walk away without a second thought. Its a good thing I can date pretty easily.

 

But I do want to piss all over your shoe collection.

[crookster_man]

I'm gunna write to all the Ex's that ever had a real impact on me emotionally

 

Dear Jenn C,

 

We only dated for a month and I was 15. You broke my heart before I even knew what that was. Well I've long since forgotten the reason why I felt so strongly for you. I wish you the best in life.

 

 

-----

 

Dear Angela P

 

You were my first love. We planed a future, we dated for 3 years (on and off). You were the first person I felt connected to. Thanks for all the after school sex, that was fun! I can't even remember why we ever broke up. I guess we were just not ready. I see now that you have married, started a family and are living the life we talked about. Congrats girl! I'm happy you were able to fulfill the dreams you had. I'm sorry I wasn't the man you wanted me to be. You will always hold a special place in my heart.

 

-----

 

Dear Jennifer G

 

You were the first girl to show me hate. Thanks for sleeping with my friend and lying about it behind my back for so many months. If it wasn't for the mind boggling pain I experienced from you, I would have never discovered my inner being. I would have never pursued my travels to Europe, I would have never found ENA. You hurt me a lot Jen, you broke me bad but I'm a better person for it. You did show me hate, but you also taught me the meaning of forgiveness. I wish you the best in life, I hope you were able to find the happiness you so desperately sought.

 

-----

 

Dear Angela S

 

Ah, my Dominican dream. You were the first girl to show me love after that biatch ^^^ I'm so glad I met you. You made my summer. The stories we shared, the dreams we talked about. It was as real to me as anything else. I know we were only together for a short time and there were so much pitted against us, but I wouldn't change us for a moment. And I must say, we sure had great chemistry in the bed! Damn that was awesome. But honestly, thank you so much for everything you taught me. I'm a better man for it. I’m sorry I said some mean things to you. My broken heart got the best of me sometimes. You will always hold a place in my heart too. I wish you the best in your adventures. May all your dreams come true.

 

Andrew Crook

 

[need2bme]

Hey,

 

You seemed to always like the way I said that word. 'Course, your pet name always did betray my accent.

 

I sit here now and all I want to do is tell you what a horrible mess you made of me, but I can't. I want to tell you what a mistake you made and as everyone tries to remind me, there wasn't anything I could have done about it, because you were gone before you were even here.

 

I am sorry that I wasn't your ex, well, I am not all that sorry. I haven't blown my wife or my children out of the water, simply because I needed to be with another woman.

 

Oh no, quite the opposite...I wanted nothing more than to come home to you and those kids and ya wanna know something, it is what I wanted since about a month and a half in.

 

I guess ya had me fooled more than you had yourself. You were mean, "because you were scared I was going to make you feel guilty", is what you said.

 

Something that strikes me as funny is that I listened to every single thing you had to say about him, even when you spoke so reverently about him and I never made you feel guilty. I endured you talking about the guys you had met before, I endured you telling me what kind of lover he was and I endured you telling him way more about me than you ever let on.

 

So I think you have every right to feel guilty...

 

I will not miss you talking over me and I will not miss you telling me you love me only to tell me you didn't.

 

See, I can say that, but there will be a lot I will miss, because my feelings were valid and even though we went like gasoline on a hand grenade, I was so ready. Oh God how I was ready.

 

I told you all my secrets, all my fears and not only because you asked, but because I felt safe with you and absolutely knew that you wouldn't hurt me...and I was wrong.

 

I cannot understand how someone brings things up to hurt others. I need to ask you something and I need you to be honest with yourself...

 

...some of it was real; right? It wasn't all you fooling me, was it? I don't want to feel betrayed and like a fool. If it wasn't real at all, please just lie....

 

I was so ready to love again and I was so ready to love those kids. Actually, I took a lot of crap from a lot of family and friends. They all thought I was moving way too fast, but it seemed like all of you had so much love to give and it was all there and all I had to do to receive it, was to open my heart.

 

I am sorry I didn't want to leave your side and I am sorry that all I wanted to do was to make sure that you and your kids were ok, because that is what I am and I will not change. I don't want to change. I am the way my mother taught me to be...

 

Remember, "A heart must give its life..."? It was written for you and about you and I will forever know that regardless of what you felt then and what you feel now, I had never been in such a place in my entire life.

 

I want so much to be mad at you and to hate you, but I don't have that in me anymore. All I want is compassion and love. I want so much to let you go...but I can't. I will, because I have to. Just right now, I can't.

 

Whatever it is you think you needed that I didn't have or whatever it is you kept making excuses for, in order to make yourself believe I was beneath you or that you couldn't love me, is all good...

 

I am not the man I was and the sweetest part of all of this is that I know I can love so hard and with such an open heart and even though I regret getting hurt and being betrayed...I do not regret finding that part of me again.

 

As I sit here writing this, listening to music and crying my eyes out, I refuse to feel angry with you. That may be a part of grieving, I will just have to skip.

 

I prayed that I could walk through the mall and see you with someone else, because I hoped that would be the one thing that would make me hate you, but I know now that even that won't work.

 

I want you to know that my heart was touched in a way that I thought wasn't possible. I can promise you that you will be ok. I still believe that you have the strength that you don't think you have....and I refuse to believe that you are what everyone wants to make me feel that you are...

 

Even though all who knows us, thinks I was betrayed, I will always refuse to believe that you went into this knowing you never loved me. If I do that, I have to discount my faith in all that we were and I am not ready to do that.

 

That is not what I am and not what I was taught and I am thankful I have that back, I only wish you were there to share it...

 

...please don't put yourself last and remember that the mariposas are ALWAYS real....

 

A piece of my heart goes with you always,

 

N2BM

[Zeter]

all i have to say to you is Triumph Tiger 1050.

you can only dream

i now know what the fuss was all about.

and you were right.

it is better than sex.

sex with you anyway.

so

you can kiss my a**

if you can catch it.

 

so long country girl

Comfy! LOL What a retort! Nice ride, by the way, so I understand the gist, but thank goodness you added "with you anyway."

 

Zeter

[Stambler]

When you figure it all out, and realize you're searching for something that's actually within you...

 

I'll still be hear to listen

I'll still be here to support

I'll still be here to help you

 

But I could never take you back....

[Infrared]

Dear K,

 

Thank you for making me look like the goodguy in this one.

 

Not that your personal friends will think that, but **** them, they're not really that bright to begin with and have the same moral and ethical fiber as you. I guess birds of a feather really do flock together.

 

No I'm speaking about just between you and me, because while you put up that strong front, the fact of the matter is I strongly believe your ashamed with yourself. You've chosen cheap thrills over a secure, honest, and comletely faithful guy. I could have cheated on you in europe this past summer with, as my traveling buddy described it, a perfect 10! But no, I told her I had this wonderful woman back at home. A wonderful woman who slept with one of her co-workers 2 months later.

 

I'm really glad you listened to your guy friend about me too. Don't you think it's odd he would act really happy to see me when I'm around but talk * * * * about me when I'm gone? I'm sure he had the best of intentions and didn't just want to sleep with you.

 

I don't care that you've painted me the villain to your friends, except for Marcus, he was actually quality. What I do care about though is your ability to act like everything is ok even though you said you'd been thinking about it for months.

 

I'm sad that it's going to take some guy who doesn't deserve you burning you like you did me for you to realize what a cool, calm and supportive person I was, but then again doesn't all that mean you didn't deserve me?

 

Enjoy your ironic twists

 

Infrared

 

P.S.- everyone can tell your wearing pushup bras.

[blindreepr]

hey s,

 

why is this so hard? why can I not let go? How come you have been able to do it so easily? Am I that easy to forget? Or are you just faking it? You never did like to show your emotions, why should now be any different. You told me while I was crying that you couldn't cry in front of me, but as soon as I left you would be crying yourself to sleep. I wish you didnt have to hide your feelings for me, I wish that you could take down whatever wall it is that you put up and let me in. Things dont have to be this way. I didnt want to lose you and I still dont. I hate being like this. I hate not knowing what is going on in your life. You have made me into an absolute mess. I wish I could just shut out emotions like you do. I hope that sooner or later you will be forced to face with the loss of me. I hope you come back. please.

[sirberus]

Trista,

 

I pretty much knew we were headed in this direction. I just wish I could turn back time and not have done or said those things. I forgive you for everything that has happened this year. I know its a hard thing dealing with a break up, especially when you have a child together. Im not sure if you even realize you did wrong as well as me. Either way, I love you and I will always love you. I always wonder if your new boyfriend is making you more happy than I could of. I know I am a loser and you deserve someone much better then me. Ive noticed lately that it seems like you are getting more and more beautiful as time goes by. Maybe one day...one day we can give "us" another shot.

[little firefly]

Jeremy, i don't know what to do anymore. It's been so many months, but the pain just won't go away. i'm reminded of you almost every day. whenever i go to places we went together, watch a movie or hear a song that we both liked, or smell your cologne on someone else, it causes an overwhelming heartache that i would never wish on anyone. Even when i'm at our favorite dance club, if a car pulls in the lot that resembles yours, my heart skips a beat because i hope it might be you.

 

I know that tonight you'll be holding Misty in your arms the way that you held me, and making her feel the love that you made me feel. The thought of that makes it hard for me to even breathe.I want so much for it to be me again. I honestly believed that you would never stop loving me, and i keep asking myself what i could have done to keep from losing your heart. You were the best relationship i had ever had and i I tried so hard to make you happy and be a good girlfriend to you. I guess i'm just not any good at relationships. I keep doing things wrong.

 

I just want to find something to make the hurt go away. My heart really can't stand any more of the strain. I want to feel good again, and feel happy the way that i did when i was with you. It's not normal for me to continue to feel this way and i'm so emotionally tired because of it. It dosen't help that i'm totally on my own now here at the house. I guess all i can do is pray for God to please help me through.

[jimbobdaley]

Dear K

 

Since I have recently found out that there was another person from the beginning & that this person was the reason why you left me.

 

YOU LIED TO ME

 

I have now realised that you aren't worth a thought in my head any more.

 

How could you be so shallow, cold & selfish?

 

yet for some silly reason, I always think about you. I hate what you did & the hurt you have caused is beyond beleif.

 

There's too many memories to forget you, although you have erased 6 years. Or so it seems?? I still love you & miss the little weird things you used to do.

[blindreepr]

Dear S,

 

It's only been 6 weeks. How many guys have you made out with? How many guys have you kissed? How many guys have you done other stuff with? I always knew that you were a skank, I just didn't realize you were a liar too. You told me that you didn't even kiss another guy after leaving your last ex, remember? The one that you were never even in love with supposedly. Yet you loved me, you even told me so after you left me, that you just needed to be single. So that is the single life huh? It pretty much includes every guy other than me. I think you are full of crap. I think that you hate yourself. I think that you are doing this because you hate yourself so much, and that you are using these guys to somewhat validate yourself. Well guess what? None of them would even have anything to do with you if they found out that you were infested with herpes. I didn't care. I loved you. And you threw me away. You sabatoged the only good thing you ever had. And now you say that you miss him? The one that originally infected you? You are so stupid. He never loved you, thats why the entire time he was with you he was cheating on you, with more than just one girl even. And you miss him and not me? You really are stupid. I hate you so much. For lying to me. For making me feel loved. For leading me to believe that you ever loved me. I hate you so much. I hope you are miserable for the rest of your life, and you know what? My wish will probably come true. You will never let someone love you. You didn't let me love you. You will never be able to give love, you never gave me any, all you did was make me feel miserable. You ruined every concert I went to with you. You tried to ruin our trip to Disneyland. You ruined my last New Years Eve with your drunkenness. You are a terrible drunk. You are loud. Your voice is annoying. You are stupid. You think you know everything yet you are so naive. I HATE YOU. I hope you fall off a cliff. You hurt me more than I have ever been hurt before. To think we were going to get married this summer. I hate you. You are the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I hope you get AIDS, you probably will since you already have one STD.

[Lilacs]

Dear ex,

 

How are you? It’s been two months and I miss you so much. I’ve had a lot of time to myself these last few weeks, which has been both good and bad. Good, because I’ve had plenty of time to think about things. Bad, because I’ve had plenty of time to think about things.

 

I think most importantly, I want you to know that I love you, truly I do. Looking back, I don’t think my actions show you accurately how much I love you. I think since new years of last year there’s been a serious problem in our relationship. I’m not saying you were perfect, but I see now, that it is my issues that snuck back into our relationship and made it hard for me to be as supportive as I now wish I was. I am trying to deal with this, with the darkness that comes into me and tears my self confidence apart. You, the person I loved most, were the person who bore the brunt of my anxiety and self loathing.

 

It’s so hard being home and knowing your so close. I am so afraid to contact you or talk to you because this is the hardest thing I have ever been through and I honestly don’t know if I can handle any more pain. I don’t know why I’m writing this letter, I don’t know if I’ll even send it. It’s hard imagining seeing you and not being able to hold your hand. I have work I have to do on me. I know that I’ve been saying this for a while. But maybe it took me losing you to finally see how unhappy I was in how I was living. I feel like this sadness of self doubt is always right around the corner and than wham! It comes in and knocks me on my ass. That’s when I wanted you there to pick me up and promise that you would love me forever. That depression was starting to come in again in Houston and I wanted so badly for you to promise that no matter what we would be together. But that’s not fair. I see that now.

 

Everyone tells me that it’s over, and I know that it’s over. But it is really hard to imagine not being able to love you. People say, you’ve tried a second time, it’s not like third time’s the charm. That kills me. I feel like I wasted the chance to make us work, dealing with law school and my own insecurities and not being able to put the effort into this relationship. I think I thought our love was enough. It’s not, I see that now. I hope that this letter doesn’t make you uncomfortable. I just need to say these things to you. I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

 

At first I panicked and was freaked out about what my life would be like without you. Then I realized, that in actuality I will be ok. That I don’t need you. But now, the reality that I can’t snuggle into your chest, say I love you, laugh at you when you’re annoying me or kiss you again is what has hit me. I love you. I want so badly to push that clearly through this letter. To have you understand that I get it. I understand why we didn’t work.

 

I know a relationship takes two people willing to work for it. I am. I hope that you realize what we have is special and we can finally make this work. I love you.

[surfjon]

Babydoll,

 

My heart dies that you will be alone this christmas for the first time in 23 years.

 

I remember that first christmas together, and the cute white beachcruiser I got you so we could ride bikes together!! You looked so gorgeous that morning on your bike smiling big!! We were only kids living with our parents still yet I knew I loved you deeply, even way back then. Although I have not looked at a picture of you in 5 months, I dug that one out...It made me smile even thru the tears.

 

Then the first christmas we drove to North Carolina, and we drove straight through the night and the house was so cold until we lit a fire and how beautiful the lake looked in the moonlight and we were warm inside.....

 

Then a couple years later was the christmas morning when I asked you to marry me and you put that engagement ring on your lovely hand.....I was the happiest kid in the world that day nearly 20 years ago........

 

Then a few more years and we had Ivys first christmas and she wore the cute little furry warm bear suit to the christmas parade, it was so cold!!

What a joy to have a little one in the house christmas morn......

 

Soon after came Grahams first christmas, Ivy was 3 and really was able to enjoy it totally! It was marvelous to have 2 children and celebrate christmas.

 

There were so many more, the years seem to bleed one into the other and the kids kept growing, they went from wanting "polly-pocket's" to wanting a laptop computer!! It was wonderful yet bittersweet seeing them blossom, and you blossomed too.........into a great, loving mother....

 

but we were already dying weren't we. We let "us" slip away.....

 

Fast forward to Dec 25, 2007. You live 30 minutes away with Ivy and Graham.

The six months you've been gone have been bad, really bad, but I don't let you see that do I.

 

I've mastered the art of shower crying, I also wait til I'm in my truck, the dark tinted windows are my best friends lately. I have perfected my technique of being able to speak to you on the phone and keeping my voice even and steady even though tears might be running down my face, into the receiver and into your ear, you can't hear it can you?? I had to practice that, literally, alone in the house because I knew Id need to be able to do it. The trick is not having long silences, and breath control.

 

I've gotten pretty good at hiding the tears and pain. Thats why I don't call, email, text you. I can't contact you, the costs of that are too high to pay.

I hide behind the silence, and walls of our house that I'm alone in.

 

The meds make me a zombie, but when I tried to go off them I was a mess again. At least I don't break down hourly anymore and I'm able to go to work. But I'm numb all the time and tired, tired of everything including life.

 

I would never tell you of that darkest day I sat on the cold terazzo floor in our lonely house, a distraught wreck of a man, with a 9mm handgun, pondering my exit strategy.

 

What stopped me you may ask?? Ivy and Graham stopped me, the thought of them and the legacy that would leave were prices I couldn't put onto them. I stayed here for them, not for you and certainly not for me.

 

So I've had 2 months of meaningless sex, a string of ump-teen women who don't know me like you do, who I don't care about but need the intimacy that you took from me. You know I'm a physical creature, that I need that contact. Am I proud of it, no way. Do I need it, yes I do.

 

I never cheated on you that's for sure, and all I ever wanted was you but you removed yourself and I went grasping at life preservers in the form of women.

 

So this christmas, as Ivy, Graham, and I are in my truck, heading to North Carolina and I pass your exit, and can even see your new house from the interstate, I'll try to smile and think of the good times we had, not what cannot be anymore.

 

Yet inside, my heart will be breaking for all of us. I'm so sad that you'll be alone, it really didn't have to be this way angel.

 

So, how have YOU been??

 

Yours,

 

Jon

[-BK-]

Babydoll...

 

Dude, that letter made me really get emotional. I know that you have been through a lot and from your posts I know that you've hurt a lot. I'm glad that you decided to stay around, not only for your kids... but for you. I know I've given you advice on a few of your posts, and that there are times that I can see healing. I think you are wise to keep posting here and looking for support. It's a tough road, and it can be longer for some than others, but you're going to make it and have many more happy times in life.

 

If you ever need to chat, let me know!

[poochy]

Dear Meow,

 

I took out your pictures out from my wallet yesterday, its been over a year since we broke up and only now have I done so. Why do you keep a picture of me in yours? I'd ask you to return it but I haven't the heart.

I'm sorry I took you for granted, assumed you would always be there. I hope you had a great time with him yesterday, I know you were together b/coz I saw you drive past. I hope for your sake he's a changed man this time round. Wish you the best

 

Poochy

[JMonkey]

Dear G,

 

Right place, wrong time right?

We caused each other a lot of pain through our relationship but I don't for one second believe that it wasn't worth it. I'd take a lifetime of pain just to look in your eyes when you loved me more than I could possible know. So many memories, so many great times. When we were good, we were really good, we only needed each other. Your laugh still echoes in my head. You tear through my thoughts like a jet amongst clouds.

You are natural beauty, something I can't forgive myself for hurting, for making you cry. I kick myself everyday for leaving you, I don't know why. Too proud; too uncertain; too scared. We were nearly there, we nearly had it.

 

Everyday I cry without tears. I miss you and I need you, but it's over now. If you need me, I'm here and I'll always be here.

 

And for all we've been through, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. A very painful lesson to learn, but I'm so glad I learnt it with you.

 

Jon