Tension over my NC contract

[blender]

Just so you know, it took me 8 months to finally stop "obsessing" on it, and I mean I got addicted to my heartache, it became my

"new relationship" it's just a form of denial and hoping, and it's normal, everyone heals at a different rate, but the BEST thing is NO CONTACT, I promise you this, I always felt better that I was CHOOSING to stay away... it helps you re-gain YOURSELF. It's an ebb and flow of good moment, bad moment, Like I said before try to separate the "feelings" from the "facts'. The "facts' help you heal, even if it's the simply fact of "the ex is not choosing to be with me right now"

 

No matter how we "feel" for them and long for them, if they are not "wanting it for now" then it's simply fate stepping in and having a different plan for you.

 

Acceptance is key, the real pain comes from the "resistance" to what is happening... like it's said, "in life pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice". Hang in there, this too shall pass... it really will...

[Silentlyfor]

Facts;

 

- I'm gone and I'm not going back to my ex-gf

- My ex is seeing someone else and is moving on (Edit: Well I don't know that for a fact... which is the best part )

- I know this will take time and thinking and "obsessing" about this is normal

- Everyone goes through this pain

- I'm only 23 and I have time and patience to heal and move on

- I will never have my ex back into my arms... ever

- There are other women out there for any guy even if he is shy and sensitive

- I'm loved by friends and family and I'm not alone

 

Feelings:

 

- My ex gf replaced me with someone else because I wasn't good enough

- I'm insane because I've obsessed about this for too long

- I need someone else in my life to be happy

- The love I shared with someone so deeply is now gone and I can't find the happiness that I found when I was with my ex

- I was loved by my ex gf's family like their own son. Now they don't love me and thereforeeee by processing this logic, I am unlovable.

- I think I will never heal. I'm just obsessive and wasting my time on this like some sort of loser

- I will never find anyone like my ex again in my life because she was special

- I will always be alone.

 

 

Wow.... That uh.... Yeah... what am I doing to myself? Jeez. This does put things into perspective.

[blender]

Redmage, how are you doing? You list of facts and feelings were great, you are sorting it out, remember this pain is an "opportunity" for you to grow, and build the right muscles of self respect in your future relationships. You will love again, and it might even be your ex in time, but just for today, you are doing the right thing by maintaining no contact and focusing on what is REAL in your life, you have a good family and you are smart, young, wise, loving, kind, and you are now going to build back your confidence, (nothing sexier than that by the way) and the best is right ahead of you.... Everything you are feeling or doubting is so normal right now, but these feelings will pass, the facts will surface and all will be exactly as it should be, even if it means it hurts like hell for a bit, it's all a part of being alive, and you will grow beyond this...

[Silentlyfor]

Because this will relieve me, I think I will post what I WANT to tell my ex here to get it off my chest. here goes;

 

Chloe;

 

My life is still feeling empty without you. You were a remarkable person(at times) when we were dating and I do miss you. Your smile Your laugh. Even your big saggy butt. I loved all the time we spent together and it made me feel good to love somebody that I loved back for the first time.

 

I miss you. You were a special person in my life and I do miss you. It drives me nuts that you are seeing someone else(as far as I know... before I stopped reading your blog you didn't update in a while). It does hurt me that you are sharing all these precious moments with someone else. But as I'm typing this my feelings are being assuaged and I think I've calmed myself down.

 

Man.... Now I wish I never met you. You valued your animals more than me. You never showed your emotions to me(always held back your tears when I was around like you couldn't trust me), and you never gave me any respect. You were also fat. Very, very fat. Plus your teeth were crooked. (to everyone: guys what was a I thinking?).

 

Anyway that's what I wanted to type to you.

 

No longer yours(thank god),

Redmage22

 

I suggest everybody that has that urge post on the forum here. Any feelings of love and care I can freely let go of here on the boards and it's.... It's like going through a 12-step. Everything I do here brings me a day forward and takes me farther away from a person that left me. Try it. You'll like the results.

[Silentlyfor]

* * * *!! Did I just break NC!!?? I found a picture of my ex on the net through a dating service. It didn't bring anything up but the picture is still fresh in my mind. Damn....

[Silentlyfor]

Ok... I'm a little shaken... almost lost it and looked at her blog... I'm calm now. Jeez.... that was scary.

[rachel1256]

Hey! Oh I know exactly what you are feeling! It's so tough, but since I posted here, I haven't looked at my ex's profile. He posted a new one on Myspace, and immediatley after we separated, he went on a dating sight.

 

It's so awful, and it hurts so much, but like other posters have said, we have the power, and you don't realize how much you have until you put it to good use. Next time you want to look at the dating profile or her blog, just remind yourself she is NOT worth it, and you don't want to move backwards, you want to move forwards. Im moving forward at the pace of a turtle right now after being so hurt by what my ex did, but hey, at least I didn't leap WAY back into the lions den. =) Even if its baby steps forward, its moving forward.

 

Its tough to think of them with someone else, but we have to remember that they are SO not worth it, and I trust all the posters here, that time heals all wounds. You will find that dream lady of yours, I know it.

[Silentlyfor]

Well it was just an accident. I don't think I'll lose sleep over it.

[Silentlyfor]

I feel so depressed.

 

I don't think anything I'm doing really matters anymore. I don't know why but I feel like I don't even want anything out of life anymore. What's wrong with me? Is this normal? I'm not even thinking about my ex anymore. What's wrong with me?

[blender]

You're simply being "human". Are you taking a walk or getting any excersize at all? You are feeling a "loss of control" that's all, but it can be cured by trying to be in "acceptance" instead of in "resistance" to life's path.

 

Fate right now is nudging you into a new path, but your "resistance" is causing you this discomfort, but once you are in "acceptance" of the fate that sometimes in life we have to say to ourselves:

 

"I might have to feel 'sad" for a bit, I have to get over this, I'm on to new things, all will be okay, I will survive and thrive and I look forward to whatever the next day may bring me, I am heathy, and I'm grateful for each new challenge and I plan to rise to the occasion and be kind to others, ask others how THEY are doing, and I'm going to try to stop focusing on the "not have" and focus on my "have".. I have my legs that work, my heart is beating, who knows what wonderful things the future has in store for me, and I want to look ahead with faith and be ready for good things, instead of so much of my energy wasted looking back, and ignoring what might be right ahead of me...

 

yes, it hurts to go through all this, but feelings won't kill you they will make you stronger, wiser, more understanding of others, and more prepared for the right kind of long term, healthy, sexy, fulfilling, trustworthy love... it's right ahead of you,

 

so start getting ready for it with "gratitude" for what you DO HAVE... You're going to make it Redmage, I just know you are, just keep venting here to all of us, we've all survived the heartache... it gets better, much better, and the best is right ahead of you...

 

Do you have any interest? Anyone you can help outside yourself by simply listening to them, or stopping by to visit, or helping someone with anything? It really helped me to force myself to walk through the cement of my heartache by helping others...

[blender]

Redmage, here is something I cut and paste for you, that helped me during my days of sobbing and hurting:

 

There is a saying: Let Go, Let God. For most, if not all, of us, the letting go that we most need to do is a type of surrender. We need to surrender to life, itself. This means that we need to let go of our illusion that we actually can control most aspects of our lives. In many cases, rather than to fight "what is," we need to learn to accept and to be at peace… Too many of us are trying to keep a tight grip on things that are out of our control. This is like trying to grip the water flowing in a river. Put your hands into the river. If you try to get the water by grabbing it and clenching your fists, it goes right out of your hands. If you relax and open, gently cupping your hands, the water flows into your palms. By relaxing, opening, and trusting, we can hold onto more of what is precious to us. By letting go, we actually allow more of the mystery of life to come in for us.

 

Copyright ©2001 by Leslie Lobell

[Silentlyfor]

Still NC 7 despite my urge to look at her blog. A small part of me still hates her for turning my back on me. We've been through so much and I'm starting to realize that she gave up a great thing. I would have always been there for her. I would have always done what she asked. Now I'm REALLY realizing how much I was taken advantage of. I'm realizing that she is not a good person. She took what she wanted and left. Unloving, terrible, sluty, * * * * *.

[Silentlyfor]

Nc day 8 for me. Still a little depressed. I'm finding that I'm even so depressed I even don't want to write anymore(It's part of the reason we broke up). I'm not saying I'm inspired without her. I am saying that since all the pressure from my life is gone, and I realize I don't need to write to be worthwhile, that I don't have to. It's hard. It's what I wanted to do for at least a decade of my life. But I just don't feel like it.

[Silentlyfor]

Hard freakin' evening. I hope I didn't break NC. The situation; one of my best friends is my ex's brother. I heard my best friend and said ex's brother talk about her new boyfriend. My best friend then said, "yeah, dude, He's obese and your are totally a better looking guy than this new guy is."

 

I don't know why... but my anger from my jealousy went away after that. It's like... It's like I thought .... "That's all I need to know. I can confirm that this guy is nothing more than a short, plump, unattractive, rebound guy to get over me." At that point.... the problem... just seemed really small. It's like as if... even though she might potentially marry this guy.... and have kids with him.......... It's not my problem because it seems like... well... now I don't have to worry anymore.

[Silentlyfor]

I'm not jealous anymore. Now I'm just sad to the point(or was rather) where I feel hopeless, useless and want to die. I don't know what brought this on.

[Silentlyfor]

Now I want to call her. I want to tell her that I want this to be over. That I forgive her. I feel I really need her back but I don't know why. What's wrong? Why am I feeling this way? I've said why I don't want her back, but I do at this very moment. Why is this happening to me?

[Allie.]

OMG. Don't DO THAT! I just posted some advice for you on "Question for everyone doing NC." Don't BREAK NC!!!

 

Allie.

[gaiden]

It happens. It's called withdrawl.

 

redmage22, you've been doing well for the past few days, perhaps you need to find a good friend or family member to vent to. this board is a godsend but nothing beats face to face communication with someone who knows you and cares about you.

 

look at this like a person who quits smoking... you've gone just over a week without smoking and i'll bet that one cigarette sounds great right now, but trust me, after you smoke it, it's all downhill from there. don't cave in man, the first 2 weeks are usually the absolute hardest to get through.

[Silentlyfor]

Now I'm crying. I'm crying as I type. I cried when I left to the washroom. I'm fighting back tears at work as I'm speaking right now. There is no other reason I'm crying other than the fact that I am sad. I don't care about having her back. I don't care about being alone. The only thing I want is for this pain to end.

[Silentlyfor]

I've spoken to a counselor. She says I'm fine. I was just having a low point in my grief. So her advice? Not to be bored and focus only on work. She says that a good thing for me to do is to see the world (link removed).

 

She also says I should concentrate on my new faith, Druidism. I think I might be more than I bargained for.

[Silentlyfor]

No strong pangs of grief today. But I'm still thinking about her WAY too much. I want these thoughts to stop and I want to move on. I know this will be over I still need some time. Hearts don't mend in a day.

[Allie.]

She also says I should concentrate on my new faith, Druidism. I think I might be more than I bargained for.

 

explain druidism.

[Silentlyfor]

Druidism is an ancient religion. Contemperarily, it is now one of the Pagan religions alongside Witchcraft and Wicca. It is a nature based religion with many gods. I would be a druid which is a man of peace, knowledge, and enlightenment.

 

I think it's something I sorely need in my life.

[Allie.]

oh. that sounds very interesting. I wanna learn more about it =D I think all religions are simply fascinating. but at the same time...i think all religions are very over-rated too. =/ hahah!

[Silentlyfor]

Hate jealousy, but this usually happens when I'm stressed. Feeling a little sick. Just passing thoughts though. I hate thinking about my ex.