I dont know what to do.

[Ruid]

Hi My name is Ruid and I am a tweaker.

 

Meth is a nasty drug and I need her to help me. Who is she you say well let me start by saying that it wasnt supposed to be this way.

 

Ten years ago I had a friend who was heavily into meth I saw it slowly eat away her life so I vowed to get her off the drug. The problem is instead of getting off drugs I got involved with her addiction too. Our relationship started as friends then roomates then to a couple. Thrughout the years we got into lots of nasty fights with me ending up in jail she gave me herpes and didnt tell me she had it when she knew all along we got in to nasty problems with drug dealers and saw nothing but horrible horrible decay surrounding our motivation and dreams. But we still had eachother we were always there for eachother.

 

It got to a point where we had to stop and get this disgusting drug out of our lives forever. But how? How could we do it? We would kill eachother if we both tried to stay clean at the same time. So I volunteered to be there for her while she stayed clean I was there for her. This girl was very insecure so the job wasnt a easy one. But she did it she stayed clean it has been 3 years now. In the 3 year process I encouraged her to go back to school she complied and got accepted to UC Berkeley.

 

But wait what happen to me? When the time came for me to get cleaned she was not there for me. This got me really depressed I lived alone in los angeles while she studied for a whole semester up north.

 

I asked for her to please stay with me the summer so I can get clean but shrugged at me and said school was more important. I later found out that she met someone else and wanted nothing to do with me.

 

I dont know what to feel Im confused I have alot of anger in my heart for her and for myself. But Im so happy she made something out of herself. I couldnt get this girl off me before no matter how hard I tried she was insecure about herself it was really frustating.

 

She was so in love with me. Now she wont even talk to me. Im left lonely with everything and everyone against me still on drugs not to mention a STD I never expected this to happen to me. I beg for her help but the more I scream the less she reacts to my actions. I feel so stupid for letting myself get into this. She is the only person I know to stop meth without help from a group or another drug. That is my challenge too. But the more I go without it the more angry I get at all the things she did to me and when that happens I call her and threaten her to please help me.

 

Im on a downward spiral of destruction. I lost my car I lost my job and in 3 days I will loose a place to live. I have nothing but the poor beagle I got for her when she decided to stay clean and 45.00 in my pocket. I have no parents no real friends by that I mean friends that are not on meth.

 

But most of all I dont have her.

 

I have no one

[Scout]

Hello, friend. Welcome to eNotalone. I want to commend you on coming here for help. It sounds like you've finally reached where you need to be to walk away from that destructive drug once and for all: the bottom.

 

What town/country are you in? You can PM (private message) me the name if you want. And I will look up detox clinics for you. I am sure there are resources for people in your situation, most people that hit rock bottom typically don't have a job or place to live.

 

As for the beagle, will your friend not take it? If not, please don't leave it in the hands of another meth user. Better to take it to a beagle rescue group, which are located all around the country. I can get you information on that, too.

[Süsser Tod]

Well, truth is, the drugs were what got you together, drugs kept you together. You had a relationship built over an addiction.

 

She has got rid of them, so the base of the relationship is gone for her.

 

I have no one

 

 

That is not true, you have yourself, and as much as you don't want to acknowledge it, the only one that can get you out of the addiction is you. No one will be able to help you unless you help yourself.

 

You can be recluded into an institution, get cleaned, but if you dont' really want it, you'll get back to the same addiction once you get out. You know it.

 

 

Help yourself, get cleaned up, and once you're there, you'll know why she does not want to come back, and you'll finally have a chance to experience a true healthy relationship, not the kind of destructive relationship you had. See where that relationship got you, do you really want that again?

[InHiding]

I'm glad to hear that she got clean, but you know what? You can too. She was able to because she had the help of YOUR strength. That's what helped. You saved her. You are capable of saving yourself.

 

Unfortunately I also know what it's like to spiral out of control. But you realize what you're doing...you're strong. You're aware. You can make it out okay.

 

I suggest you find a clinic, they will give you that extra help you need. You are in a tough battle and I wish you luck.

[Scout]

Both the posters above are dead-on, you do have the strength to get yourself out of this hole; indeed, you're the only one that can. Your friend is probably rightfully afraid she doesn't have the strength to not go back on the drug it took her so much effort to overcome (with your help).

 

And Susser's right, once you get clean, you'll understand why she didn't want to go back.

 

You can do this.

[Scout]

Ruid, here is a link to Narcotics Anonymous: link removed

 

They have information on local chapters, and I think you need to contact one of these chapters right away. They can give you information about meeting times and other emergency resources.

[Hope75]

Hi Ruid,

 

 

Welcome to enotalone!

 

The others are right, the dynamic of your relationship was based on addiction, and when she got clean, she left that, and you behind. It happens more frequently than we'd like to believe.

 

You sound very strong and intelligent. It sounds as though you have just about hit rock bottom. Have you considered a detox clinic?

 

I would take Scout's advice and send her a PM. She is very resourceful and will likely be able to help you locate a detox center which can be the start of being clean and starting over for you. In 3 days you will have nowhere to live, so at this point what is left to lose?

 

Please take your dog to a Beagle rescue or a no kill shelter. Be honest with them. They will take good care that she is placed in a good home with people who can give her the care that she needs.

 

You can do this.

[Ruid]

I know I can do it. I have ginsberg (beagle) and dont worry that poor soul feels my pain but he sticks by me no matter what. I didnt realize it but your right about having anything to do with it. Why would she. The only thing that gets me is when I start to detox I get angry with what she did to me.

 

I shall set my goal to that. I hope its not too late to get my friend back. I have said horrible things to her and she is scared. But I will make sure the next time I do talk to her it will be with a sane and sober mind.

 

To think revenge was in my mind. How awful of me to think that.

[Hope75]

Hi Ruid,

 

Try to remember that the focus of your energies cannot be for her. You are addicted to meth and the #1 goal for you needs to be 'get clean', and not for her, or anyone, but yourself. The reason being, say you get clean and she still rejects you- that happens- many recovery counselors tell their patients that in order to be fully clean they must leave EVERYTHING from their addiction days in the past and start new (and that goes for you as well)- then what? In your anger will you begin to use again?

 

So the objective here is to get clean for YOU.

 

Are you willing to consider detox?

 

Did you contact Scout for a place near to where you are?

[Ruid]

No im not loosing ginsberg I will not do to him what was done to me. There is no other options he is such an innocent creature and I will protect him no matter what my situation in life is.

 

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Are you implying Im not in the best condition to take care of the dog right now and to deprive him of wonderful doggy life with a family. Would be very selfish of me to do?

[Scout]

Are you implying Im not in the best condition to take care of the dog right now and to deprive him of wonderful doggy life with a family. Would be very selfish of me to do?

 

No, it's just if you are going to go to a detox clinic, who will take care of him? And you simply must seek treatment, ASAP. I suppose it's possible you could do it on your own - anything is possible - but that would be very hard for you to do.

 

Have you looked up Narcotics Anonymous? Do you have any ideas about next steps?

[Scout]

Just to add to my post...if you remain capable of feeding, watering, and exercising your little beagle every day, perhaps he is actually a good buddy to have with you as you go through this difficult time. It sounds like you love him a great deal - surely you want to be cleaned up and stable so you can continue to give him a safe existence.

 

Heck, I'd walk through fire for my dogs...so I could well understand how maybe this little dog could also give you positive encouragement to save yourself.

[Ruid]

If I get sober it will be with no ones help. This is for some reason I dont know why but for some reason very important to me. If she did then so will I this is also something I mentioned to her and replied with "but I have stronger will than you"

 

I dont know what will become of me. Honestly Im leaving everything behind (fridge bed tv...) and will only carry a backpack with clothes and a laptop.

 

Im gonna head east out of los angeles see where the road brings me. Sounds dramitic but I kinda always wanted to do that. I want to be bruce banner.

 

Ginsberg and I have new adventures ahead of us.

[Scout]

You can do it! If you have to get the hell away from temptation on foot, go for it. Maybe you could go live in a mountain town; nature is very healing. You & Ginsberg have my prayers and positive thoughts, my friend. Please post whenever you can to keep us updated.

[ruidsis]

All those that once communicated with Ruid.......this is his sister. I want to thank you for being here for him. He needs as much support possible. You haven't heard from him and I'm sure you are wondering why. Well.......he didn't make it out east as he planned to. He was determined to do that and start a new life, but police came into his place, and took him to jail for "criminal threat" This friend who he loves so much, put him there. All that anger my brother had inside, only made him get into more trouble. They each have their reasons for why this relationship did not work, and those of us that know this story, know that drugs has a lot to do with this. I am no one to judge, but now, my brother has lost his freedom and for the first time in my life, I could say I feel useless. My brother is in jail and there is nothing I could do to get him out of this hell hole. All he wants is out.