time

[melatonin]

i don't really want advice, i just want to type this out. apologies if it's wholly innappropriate here.

 

do you find that time can hurt as well as heal? i've been bored for the past hour, so i looked through some MSN chat logs going back to about 2001, and i find it unbelievable the things that now seem so far away. it hurts in a way, to remember the mindset i had at these times compared to now. it's all part of progression and growing up, i understand, but nonetheless there's a feeling of emptiness in seeing a snapshot of the past before you.

 

some of them were with my now ex girlfriend of seven months, from the month before we started going out, and they're actually pretty difficult to read because it reminds me of a time of relative innocence, like an ignorance of the happiness i would experience shortly after the time of those seemingly insignificant chats, and it's like a dull ache to know that that was then and this is now. added to this it's exactly a year since we started going out, and i'm remembering all the new feelings and rushes i was having; quite simply it was the best time of my life thus far. i feel like i shouldn't be feeling this, i should be well and truly over it (6 months is a long time to get over something, surely?) but i have relapses all the time, remembering who i was a what i felt and the adulation i felt that is now gone. but i'm not complaining about not having a girlfriend as you might think, more commenting about time and how it's a double edged sword.

 

i just feel that life is passing very quickly, and when i see the evidence behind me, be it through old emails, chat logs, photos, poems, school work, etc it makes all the more apparent the ups and downs of life; the phases of happiness and sadness, the constant undulation of our path.

 

Perhaps what i should learn from this is not to hoard memories but instead always to look forward. apologies for posting this here. i suppose i should somehow fashion it in to a poem or something, but i can't write to save myself so i won't bother.

 

Thanks for reading, if you did.

[CHERBEAR22]

That whole post was very amazing i really enjoyed reading it because i too feel the same way as you do i lo0ok throught past pictures when i was going through past experiences boyfriends, ect and can't believe it i actually miss it sometimes then i think soo eough i will be old and grey and thats scares the hell out of me.... i can appreciate all that you wrote in that post it really makes me cry soetimes to see my life flash before my eyes when i look at pics of past

[crookster_man]

Don't apologies, you came to the right place. Your post is completely acceptable and normal. Many people post questions others requests and some just want to share their thoughts. That's why we are all here. To share our experiences and to grow from it. I have a quote for you that I wrote long ago with my first love

 

The 3 L's of life

Liberate the past

Live in the present

Look to the future

 

You are quite right in your lesson learned. "Don't hoard memories, look forward." you see your past surfaces in your present and program your future. What does that mean? Well, you are who you are because of what you have done and what has happened to you. Does that mean you're a slave to your past? No you have the ability to select memories and events that you wish to affect you. You control who you are, now this is getting a little off topic from your post, or is it?

 

Anyways, thank you for posting. Oh, everyone heals at their own pace. There is nothing wrong with being upset 6 months later. My advice is to gain what lessons you can from your experience and move on. Don't regret, because you wouldn't be who you are today if it wasn't for the experiences you shared.

 

Please continue to share your feeling and thoughts. We will be here.

[melatonin]

I'm not sure i'm allowing myself to heal. It's been seven months -january 21- since it ended. It was hell for the first three or so months, then I began to stop thinking about it as she was replaced with new things. But, now that it's a year since we began, I'm reliving things. Reading old e-mails I can remember sending exactly a year ago, and it's killing me.

 

Sorry to turn this in to a post about an ex, but I suppose my breakup with her is what really highlighted my misery about time and memories and reminiscing.

[crookster_man]

Why do you do these things? See it's akin to an addiction. If you feed your addiction to love, then you will only spiral deeper into the pits. Why do you go over these emails? Why have you saved them for a year? Because you have not let go. You still hold onto something. My advice to you would be this.

 

Write her a goodbye letter, something from the heart, telling her how you feel and how you have grown. Highlight the positives of the relationship and thank her for the good things you have experienced. Tell her that you need to release her and say goodbye. You don't have to give her the letter, but it will help to at least write it for yourself. After that, you should gather up her things and place it in a box that you can seal (so you can't open it again… at least not for a while). Then Delete your emails, I know this is the hardest thing.

 

Honestly though, what purpose do these emails serve? They hurt you to have them. They do no good. They don't cherish the memory they drag you down. It's time to say good-bye, let her go and start healing. You have to set her free to heal your heart.

 

Understand you are the master of you mind and your emotions. They do not control you, you own them. Do not let them run your life. Take ownership and do things which are hard but for the best. Good luck, we will be here for you.

[melatonin]

You're right, it is an addiction. I find a kind of security in reliving it all; I think I'm taking the easy way out by not forcing myself to move on, but I'm not sure how to actively let go.

 

I mean, everyone says 'let go' and 'that was then, this is now' and other such things, but people rarely give the intructions on how to *actually* move on. My trouble is that I live quite remotely so I don't see my friends that often, and as school is now finished I have a lot of time on my hands to think. Added to which, there are reminders everywhere. I can't see myself 'letting go' until I am physically away from anything that reminds me of her, and my mind is fully preoccupied with other things. This will happen when I go to university in 8 weeks, but until then, I would like to know where to start so I can go there refreshed and standing on both feet, ready to give all of myself to the new people I will meet and the new experiences I will have, without any of this shadow still over me.

 

I have hidden the material things that remind me of her - letters, reciepts from days together (!), cinema stubs etc - and that has helped. I did that initially once we broke up. I don't think I want to delete the e-mails - I don't read them regularly, very rarely in fact; I just wanted to 'commemorate' what was happening exactly a year ago. I know in time I will be able to look through them and smile at what was a wonderful experience, and the memories of my First Love are not something I want to discard if I can help it. I can see myself in another year's time, when I am in totally different circumstances with other people around me and a million new influences (and hopefully a new love), reading them fondly and without any hurt at all, and for that reason I cherish them.

 

I'm doing fine. I tend just to have relapses when for a few days it all comes back to me and i sink down again, but generally i bounce back once my mind gets occupied with other things, and I realise that while it was amazing, it did take up much of my life and i wasn't as free to be myself as I now am. Now I see that it was as much a weight as a wonderful experience, and I know now that I've gained very useful experience from it.

 

Every so often something nice happens and I can affirm that there is much to be sought after her, and i can only see these things becoming more frequent, eventually covering her imprint until my life is entirely without her influence.

 

In fact, in the course of writing this post, I think i have clarified much of this transition in my mind, and i do think i'm ready to put her to rest in my heart. I know this probably won't be the final relapse, but as long as the underlying emotional ability to move on is in place, I think i can roll with the punches from now on and stop destructive memories in their path. This is cheesy, but yesterday, during a moment of absolute 'clarity' (my mind wasn't consumed with thoughts of her, or any worries at all) i got an intense rush of happiness, that split second warm feeling in your guts when everything is just plain good, while reading a funny e-mail from a friend. I can honestly say i can't remember the last time i felt simple happiness, without regret, wistfulness, worry or insecurity. I think that marks the beginning of my letting go.

 

Thanks for your help, I'm sure I will feel the need to post again sometime. Just browsing the forums and reading other people's problems is a help - seeing people describe 90% of what you feel is a great support, just knowing that you are not alone.

 

-melatonin