loving a sex addict please dont judge

[nikkers04]

Well...I'm sure alot of you have already been following my story. here is a short rerun for all of those who havent. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. He cheated on my 1 year ago and we broke up for awhile....he begged me back promised he had changed. That was about 6 months ago. Things were great. We moved in with each other the beginning of this month (June 2006)

 

Well just last weekend I learned he has recently cheated on me with 2 girls. 2 different situations.

 

He says he doesn't do it to hurt me he is just insecure and when he is with other girls it makes him...have a higher self esteem. I was talking to one of my friends who is a phycology major. And she brought to my attention that maybe it is an addiction. I started doing some research. I honestly believe thats what he has...just as if it were drugs or alcohol. I blamed it on me for the longest time...that I just couldn't please him or we couldn't have sex enough thats why he strayed...but that isn't the case. All the lies and excuses he comes up with denying it going out of his way for it when he could easily just come home to me for it leads to what they say about sex addicts.

 

I dont really know what kind of advice I want from you guys maybe this was just for me to vent. Maybe some one knows a good councelor or some kind of help line that way I can help him of course if he wants to be helped.

 

I have told him I will leave if he doens't figure something out. I told him if he wanted to go to counceling I would go with him if he wanted or I would do anything but he needed to do something

 

sorry this was so long

[RayKay]

Well the chances of him having a sexual addiction are pretty low really. And he would display a lot more than just cheating if he did. And in this case I think calling it an addiction is an excuse to not take action to leave this dud.

 

All the lies and excuses he comes up with denying it going out of his way for it

 

This is also what CHEATERS do, and people whom KNOW they are doing wrong but CHOOSE to do it anyway.

 

I don't know many cheaters whom are honest about what they are doing...and I guarantee they are NOT all "addicts"! That is way too general of conditions to use to call someone an addict.

 

I think he just is unfaithful, selfish and irresponsible personally.

 

It's not your fault - you are right on that. But it is his.

 

Just an FYI, in my experience people in psychology tend to look for a diagnosis for everything to show of what they learned in class But you cannot make a diagnosis without an in depth study of the person. Nor can you until you are trained and experienced.

 

I think he is just walking all over you as he knows he can, he cheated before you took him back, he did it again as he had no true remorse or willingness to address it.

 

Even if he WAS addicted, it does NOT mean you need to stay at the expense of your own physical and emotional health.

[Scout]

If he is a sex addict, no one should be in a relationship with him until he overcomes it.

 

If he isn't a sex addict, no one should stay in a relationship with such a selfish cheater.

[nottoogreen]

Hi nikkers,

 

You just moved together, too bad. I am so sorry about your predicament.

 

RayKay explained about the guy already. He will cheat again.

 

What about your feelings in a year in 5, 10 years?

 

I suggest you move out and go strict NC.

 

We will always be here for you.

[nikkers04]

Yeah your guys advice is great but nobody knows everything thats happened and everything that goes on. Everyone says dumb him...I realize this but i think its alot easier to let go. We have a life together a lease on an apartment both signed on a car. If his problem isn't an addiction by all means I'm out...but i'm not going to walk out on him (what if it really is a problem?) He knows i'm serious about my actions and if he wants to fix or help the relationship he knows he needs to get help...but its up to him if he wont go get help i'm out...I haven't told him that part.

[Arrowsmith]

Nikkers04, the way I see it some people are good at/willing to control their behavior and others aren't. The people who aren't (the people our society calls "addicts") can be very destructive to the people around them. Whether their lack of self control is voluntary or not is a philosophical issue that, while important in some contexts, should not be important to you is deciding whether to be with him or not. Your decision should be based on whether he adds to your life or subtracts from it (and whether he is likely to add to or subtract from your life in the future). Don't get caught up in whether or not he is accountable for his behavior.

[RayKay]

It IS a problem. He is putting your life and health at risk, what more do you need?

 

There are many people whom have a "life together" and have to take a stand for themselves and leave a cheating partner. My mother was 27, with 2 kids and 7 months pregnant with another one, a house together and a stay at home mum at the time when she said ENOUGH to my dad and got a divorce. After also repeated affairs and the same lines. A lease can be broken, a car sold.

 

Best decision she ever made, and she is much happier now with someone whom respects her and is faithful - they have been together 20 years. And we as kids were better off too.

 

He has to actually WANT to change. If he did not want to do so a year ago apparently, why would he now?

[Beyondthesea]

If his problem isn't an addiction by all means I'm out

 

Sorry but I can pretty much guarantee this isn't an addiction. I also take psychology and have taken abnormal psych. If he actually was addicted, he would have cheated probably 20 times since then. Someone who is addicted just cannot control themselves in the best of situations.

 

I really believe what is wrong is that he's a cheater, plain and simple. You staying with him and making excuses for staying together isn't making him change.

 

I truly believe that it's time for you to move on. You are only 20 years old, and already having this severe of relationship problems? Forget it! What will it be like 5 years from now? Not worth it.

[nikkers04]

again I thank you guys for you advice/opinions

[kellbell]

Never stay with a cheating partner due to a lease or a car. They are just THINGS. Like RayKay pointed out, a lease can be broken and a car can be sold. Those things should be the last of your worries right now. Deal with one thing at a time.

 

I am not sure about the sex addict thing. Even IF he did have the addiction, it does not excuse his behavior. He should seek help for it, he can only help himself. Staying in this relationship is not going to prompt him to get help, it is going to show him what he can get away with. I have a Master's in Pyschology and sex addictions, TRUE ONES are rare and his behavior does not fit the diagnosis. It sounds like he is evading taking responsibility for hurting you and your grabbing at straws at this point.

 

I truly feel you deserve better.

[Scout]

Nikkers04, the way I see it some people are good at/willing to control their behavior and others aren't. The people who aren't (the people our society calls "addicts") can be very destructive to the people around them. Whether their lack of self control is voluntary or not is a philosophical issue that, while important in some contexts, should not be important to you is deciding whether to be with him or not. Your decision should be based on whether he adds to your life or subtracts from it (and whether he is likely to add to or subtract from your life in the future). Don't get caught up in whether or not he is accountable for his behavior.

 

Good stuff here, Arrowsmith. This post can really be attributed to so many situations where we try to justify our partners' bad behaviors, to rationalize/downplay/otherwise explain them so we can avoid having to make the hard decision of leaving them.

 

Nikkers, I don't mean to imply you are trying to "skip out" on making such a decision. It's very hard for most of us to end a relationship when we love someone. But how much of your feelings are you going to have to sacrifice for your boyfriend's behavior?

[nottoogreen]

again I thank you guys for you advice/opinions

Sorry nikkers, we understand that it hurts, do what you feel is right and if you need a shoulder or two to cry on you know where to find us.

[chemica]

I really have no idea what qualifies as a 'sex addict'.

 

In any event, this guy was unforgiveable for cheating on you even once...You deserve MUCH better.

[nottoogreen]

I really have no idea what qualifies as a 'sex addict'.

 

In any event, this guy was unforgiveable for cheating on you even once...You deserve MUCH better.

Google will know, but we know he does not qualify.

[nikkers04]

As again this isn't a thread for judging I was seeking help and Ideas Yes I know breaking up with him seems like the logical choice and as you guys say its hard to lose a loved one...yes it is...but before I just throw everything up I need to know everything from his side. If he just isn't happy with our sex life if I'm just not the one he hoped I'd be. If we are better of friends in his eyes then yes by all means. I know he doesn't desearve another chance but if he will come up with ideas and proove to me that he is going to fix whats wrong by a talking to me about what bothers him so much why he wants these other girls why he won't come to me for it then maybe...I am a part of whats wrong....I agree with all of you Cheating is unacceptable Period! But that doens't mean you can't forgive, learn, try.

[nottoogreen]

nikkers,

 

We are not here to judge.

 

You have an admirable attitude and positive thinking which goes beyond love.

 

By all means get him through counseling, to listen to your feelings, to open up to you about his feelings, and forgive him 100% and go ahead.

[Scout]

nikkers, just took a quick look at some of your previous threads. Here's a tough question: are you sure perhaps you're not addicted to the highs and lows of such an unpredictable relationship?

 

It seems this relationship has never been marked by very long periods of steady stability. I really can't help but wonder what you are getting out of all this. Why do you want someone so badly who cannot fully commit himself to your relationship?

[Oldboy]

How many high esteem conquests is he going to have before you say enough is enough? Are you going to wait until he brings home something from these girls and gives it to you?

[thegirl_00]

I just read some of your prevoius posts and its clear to me that you can't be happy in this relationship.

 

All the lying, txt's and phone calls from girls late at night, and the CHEATING. You knew a long time ago that you should have gotten rid of him because there is no way this relationship is making you happy.

 

I'm wondering the same thing as Scout...

 

nikkers, just took a quick look at some of your previous threads. Here's a tough question: are you sure perhaps you're not addicted to the highs and lows of such an unpredictable relationship?

[Scout]

Another thing, Nikkers...you really have no way of knowing yourself if his cheating can be chalked up to a "sex addiction." Your friend hazarded a guess, but this is really something a professional would have to diagnose. And your boyfriend doesn't seem to think he's a sex addict, either, at least that's not the excuse he gave you.

 

I guess I got the feeling you were hoping this thread would elicit support of a decision to stay with him. Obviously, most of the responses have been the opposite. Remember, this is a relationship advice site - so, you should be prepared to get feedback that may not be what you want to hear.

[kellbell]

Nikki,

 

I read over this thread three times and for the life of me cannot see how anyone judged you. No one here judged you at all. We all have been extremely supportive, pointed out things, things you wrote, and feel you deserve better, that you do not deserve to be cheated on, to be hurt, to be lied to. I have a feeling because the majority of the posters felt you should cut your losses and seek true happiness....you deem everyone judging you.

 

I am so sorry things have tough for you, I have been cheated on, lied to, humiliated, dated drug dealers, had BF's keep in contact with their ex's while I was dating them, in debt because of my last ex...I have been through a lot. I know how difficult it is to do the right thing, even if it means leaving a relationship. I think cheating is horrible...I do not condone it all. You have been posting about this guy for the last year, gave this guy plenty of chances, you have been through a lot. You deserve a break, true happiness. I really want you to be happy. But I just don't think it is with your current boyfriend.

[doyathink]

What you are doing is showing this man how to cover his tracks better the next time he gets bored with you/your relationship! And there will be a next time because by your actions of sympathy and letting him come back after he cheated, every time, you are really telling him (the way his mind is receiving this) that your not going to do a darn thing about it other than threaten and maybe make him move out for a period.

 

The 'addiction' lies in the 'newness of another female and the first time highs you get with a different person. Most of us like change, the newness is exillerating that is why we create new scenarios with our partners so as not to get 'bored' with the same person and stay faithful!

 

While you are trying very hard to stay in a commited relationship with him and giving yourself to him, he is not respecting you at all!I do agree that if this is an addiction, he would be cheating with someone very frequently not just three/four times during your relationship, however, he may have and you just don't know of all of them yet!!

 

You decide for yourself what you would like to do/not do, but remember, therapy will only help those who admit to having a problem and he hasn't admitted having this problem to you, he only admitted to cheating.

 

Your friend was only making a sceptical guess and I truly think you took it as 'the gospel truth'. Look, she was only guessing not diagnosing, you can't do that without a lengtly examination.I also wonder if you are not wanting to let go of the material things the two of you have acquired! Are you scared to 'rebuild' without him and his income maybe? Or perhaps another reason?

 

The choice is yours, make one you will be happy with for the next several years. Just remember, he may, and it's very likely, bring home an STD that can't be cured, then, will you be so compassionate! Good Luck!

[nikkers04]

I thank you guys for your support and opionions as I said everyone says break up with him which is the most logical thing to do.

 

Kellbell the reason I'm saying do not judge is because everyone is up in my case about how its my fault he is doing it and how I'm the stupid one for staying.

 

But whatever things will happen the way they are suppose I just have to play each day as they are delt

[kellbell]

Nikki,

 

I see what you mean. eNotalone is a great place to go for advice and encouragement with no judgements. But I feel that people you are referring to are trying to help and look out for you but perhaps going about it the wrong way. They mean well but it is not coming out the right way.

 

You have to work at your own pace. All we can do is hopefully steer you in the right direction or give you that extra "push." But in honesty, you deserve more than a cheating partner.

[Learning2Fly]

RUN AWAY - The best predictor of future behavior is current behavior.