Cycle of doubt

[patient_strawberries]

I can't know whether I'm gay/bi or not until I kiss/date a girl. I can't kiss/date a girl if I don't know whether I'm gay/bi or not.

 

Basically, how do I figure it all out? First, it's not like I have a lot of gay friends to give me advice or introduce me to girls I can experiment with. Second, I don't crush on people, male or female, until I get to know them well and feel like they may be interested in me. And of course, I can't find out if girls are into me if they don't know I'm gay, but I can't tell them I'm gay if I don't know.

 

I have had crushes on girls, but guys too. More crushes on guys than girls...the girls have usually looked kind of tomboyish on top of that. I've kissed guys and never felt the spark, which is why I wonder if I might have a stronger preference for girls. I'll know if I feel that spark when I kiss one.

 

Round and round and round it goes. I would love some help here.

[Goldfish6888]

I think when you are attracted to someone - you will know. Boy or girl! Now, whether they are likewise attracted to you, that is hard to know! YOu should know by a lot of eye contact and touching. But all you can do is when you find that person, is "put it out there" and see if they respond that they like you too! Hopefully they will and presto! It doesn't matter whether it's boys or girls, You have to fit into any particular genre or sexual orientation. You don't even have to "label" yourself as gay or bi, it will happen, when it's supposed to and with the right person.

[agent1607307371]

Well, how do heterosexual people who've never kissed someone of the opposite sex know they're hetero?

 

I really think you need to relax and stop over thinking it or you'll just get more and more worked up to the point that however many people you kiss, it'll never match up to what your expecatations of it are.

 

 

Are there any bisexual to glbt groups near where you are? Maybe getting out and socialising with more people of differing orientations will help you relax.

[kadvati79]

I think you need to consider sexuality as not just one thing, but three broad characteristics:

 

1. Sexual Behaviour (who do you have sex with?)

2. Sexual Preference (who do you find sexually attractive?)

3. Sexual Identity (what sexuality do you identify as?)

 

Believe it or not, all three can be completely different in one individual! For example, it is common for people with sex addictions to "act out" in funny ways related to their addiction. I might be having male-male sex, even though my sexual preference is bisexual, and my sexual identity is heterosexual. Or, I might be having heterosexual sex, even though I am a homosexual and identify as a homosexual!

 

People don't make this distinction and it causes lots of heartache. There are many reasons why someone will exhibit homosexual behaviour. Sometimes it is simply out of curiosity, sometimes because they are horny and there are no other females/males.

 

I would just let yourself "be" and not be frightened to try things that might fit outside of what you label yourself.

[Deviant_Kate]

Now, whether they are likewise attracted to you, that is hard to know! YOu should know by a lot of eye contact and touching.

 

I beg to differ - when my girlfriend and I were just friends, she was the only friend I didn't hug. I was very aware of the fact that we NEVER touched, and we more often than not didn't look in each other's eyes when talking (not out of avoidance; it was just the way we were). We never would have ended up together if I hadn't just come out and told her one night that I was at a serious risk of falling for her.

 

It helped that she already knew I liked girls, and that I knew she had thought that she might be bisexual. I suppose if you're open with friends that you're questioning your sexuality (bi-curious?), it'll grease some wheels and get you a step or two closer to finding out for yourself.

 

I wish you luck and fun in figuring it out.

[Deviant_Kate]

Sorry to respond again, and off topic, but I cannot for the life of me figure out how to start a new thread on this site! I'd have asked in a more appropriate fashion, but I obviously don't know how. Can someone please please please send me in the right direction?? Tell me how to start my own thread?

[patient_strawberries]

I think when you are attracted to someone - you will know. Boy or girl!

 

Well, how do heterosexual people who've never kissed someone of the opposite sex know they're hetero?

 

I guess the question isn't "how do I know I'm gay/bi" but "how do I know which I would like to date or be with sexually?" I don't really care about labels, but I do care about finding out which gender I would enjoy to be with more. I've never had the chance with girls so I don't know if I would enjoy them more than guys. Guys don't really interest me in a sexual way, but I do crush on them a LOT more often than girls. I think girls turn me on sexually though, but I can't be sure until I experiment, and I can't experiment until I come out because what girl is going to date someone who doesn't know whether she's gay or not?

 

I guess that's my problem. To answer icemotoboy:

 

Who do I have sex with: Haha, NONE I am a virgin. I have never been sexually turned on by another person, but I've only ever been with sexually active (basically, everything but sex) with men and I haven't been too keen on that.

 

Who do I find sexually attractive: Er...men I think. I like looking at them. But they don't turn me on. I couldn't care less about a naked guy, but I will admire his body in clothes. Girls turn me on, but I don't really check them out so much.

 

Sexual Identity: Tough one again. I guess bi, but I don't know who I prefer. Which REALLY bugs me.

 

Hmm...this is tough. I am shy so I won't just say "hey, I think I'm bisexual but I can't know for sure. Will you kiss me so I can see?" to people, and at the same time, how will I ever know who I sexually prefer if I don't say that? Any advice for shy "closeted" people?

 

Oh, and Deviant_Kate, have you figured out how to start a thread yet? I'm not sure ewhy you can't start one, but if you go to the forums, there should be a big button at the top that says "POST A NEW TOPIC" or someting like that. If you can reply, I assume you can start one unless you've got a glitch on your end. I don't think you can start a new thread while reading someone else's thread though. You have to be in the main forums page. I hope it works out for you.

[Managor]

Sorry to respond again, and off topic, but I cannot for the life of me figure out how to start a new thread on this site! I'd have asked in a more appropriate fashion, but I obviously don't know how. Can someone please please please send me in the right direction?? Tell me how to start my own thread?

 

When in a room (such as 'Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender') click on the 'New Thread' button on the top left of the page (the one which is in similar fashion to the 'post reply' button). If you still can't find it I'll be happy to take a screenshot of it Make sure you're signed in and everything (not sure if that effects it).

[jabele]

Patient_Strawberries: I feel very similarly to you- in more ways than one, so feel to PM me any time...I tried to PM you but it didn't work

[csula2004]

you know, i felt pretty asexual until my mid 20's. that isn't to say i didn't date or have relationships-- i did. it's just that no one really knocked my socks if, if you will....

 

men were masculine and nice to look at; every once in a while, i would get a crush on a girl. but nothing seemed to fit. then, one day, things just fell into place. i realized where my strongest emotional connection was-- and the sexual attraction heated up towards that group immediately.

 

maybe you are just still growing up like i was. what will matter long term is how you respond to the people you do find attractive. for myself, even now that i know i'm gay, it's not every day that i meet someone and think, "wow! hottie." maybe you just haven't gotten there yet, either.