I failed my son

[amazing_wierdo]

You guys were right. She had been stringing me along the whole time, just in case her new guy didn't work out. I don't know when she started seeing this other guy and I don't care anymore. Apparently it is going pretty well with them because she has no interest in me now.

 

He lives in New York (4 hours away!) and is 35. She is 23. She claims that they are just dating and not serious. Yet last weekend while I was away on a fishing trip she went up there with our son for the weekend! She spent the entire weekend with him and our son was there! I am upset that she was stringing me along and that she is dating etc but I can accept that. I just can't believe she involved our son. This guy is a complete stranger to me and she took him there the whole weekend. I didn't even know my son was in another state, not to mention with my ex's date!

 

I consider myself a good dad and I feel horrible that I failed in the duty of being my son's protector and guardian. Are my feelings about her crossing the line by taking our son with her wrong? Is there anything I can do besides just sit here and accept it?

[annie24]

yeah, fight for custody of your son.

[avman]

Well if you don't have a custody arrangement then it is pretty much legal limbo. She is free to take your son wherever she likes. As for you, unless you've established paternity formally, guess what your legal rights are - ZERO. That's right, unmarried fathers that have not formally established paternity and custody have absolutely no rights. You are, however, on the hook for child support. That's a nice legal nightmare that many unmarried fathers find out about the hard way.

 

My advice - see a lawyer that specializes in paternity cases and see them immediately. You need to get things nice and legal if they aren't already. Otherwise you could find yourself having no contact with your son, her living in another state, and you sending checks every month without so much as being able to have a phone call with him. Don't let it get to this point. Your son needs his father. You have to be assertive in cases like this because everything is tilted in favor of the mother.

[kellbell]

Avnan is dead on. I wish all the luck. Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[amazing_wierdo]

I don't know how serious or how long she has been into this guy. Believing what she says is no longer an option at this point

 

If I establish legal rights won't this be a messy, complicated, and an expensive process? I don't want to make enemies out of her or her family either.

[annie24]

talk to a lawyer. you have a right to see your son on a regular basis. she can't keep him away from you. the point is to make sure your son has a constant father figure, not one of her "men of the month."

[avman]

If I establish legal rights won't this be a messy, complicated, and an expensive process? I don't want to make enemies out of her or her family either.

 

Yes it may be messy, complicated, and expensive. It really all depends on whether she is willing to work out something both of you can live with, or whether she wants to fight you on every point. It does not have to be a declaration of war. Start out by presenting it simply as a way to get everything down on paper so there are no misunderstandings later.

 

Unless you can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt she is an unfit parent, don't even bother trying to get sole custody. Courts want to award joint custody whenever possible. So I'd start with that approach which is not nearly as threatening as going for sole custody and trying to take your son away from her.

 

And as far as making enemies, you need to put those fears aside for the sake of your rights as a father. Do not passively sit by and do nothing just for the sake of harmony. Otherwise you run the risk of finding yourself in a situation that you have no hope of getting out of with regards to parenting your son. You don't have to pursue a scorched earth policy. This is simply a matter of protecting yourself and guaranteeing you the ability to be a good father to your son.