A possible marriage-saving strategy

[scott4321]

Hi all. Many, if not most, posts on this forum deal with fidelity, lack of sexual interest, and the like.

 

A thought: maybe human beings in general--of either sex--simply aren't made in a way that allows conventional thinking to work. And to even try to "stay conventional" is like trying to teach a cow to dance: doing so will only frustrate you, and upset the cow.

 

My wife and I both have unusual sexual needs (me physically, her psychologically), but found a way to meet them and still stay together. Quite happily, too.

 

So... if you are in a situation that is headed downhill, what is there to lose by trying something "outside the box?" The worst that can happen is such experimentation could result your relationship ending sooner than it would otherwise. But that it will end if you don't do something, isn't in doubt for many of you, right?

 

The kind of thing I'm referring to is conceptually very simple. Just take the time to discover what your lover's most secret fantasies are, and then help them come true. Not all are reasonable, possible, or even safe, but many are, and then you can open the door on an entire new sexual world for both of you.

 

My wife, for example, finally told me how much having men look at her body excited her, and letting her act on that set things into motion which proved it is essentially the only thing that excites her. I'm certain that if she'd try to surpress that need on my account, or I tried to supress it, the stress and unhappiness would have grown (taking many forms), until we wouldn't be together any more. What happened when neither of us tried to deny it, though, was magical: Intimacy and trust deeper and stronger than most people ever know.

 

Rethinking what's realistic is all that's required to "live with the price," too, nothing more. In my marriage, that price is seeing other guys look at her body. That's it. (And I don't mean tight jeans and a see-through top, either. I mean prolonged, completely naked, leg-spreading type stuff at basement strip clubs... so I know what I'm talking about, and not just suggesting you do something in a, "Here, you taste this first!" sort of way.) Is it hard? Not any more. Not after I realized how much more I meant to her for permitting such an unconventional thing.

 

Such "exception processing" is the very essense of being someone's mate, yes?

 

I'm certain that there's at least a chance such an approach will create a new bond that's stronger than you've ever known before. And if it doesn't work, nothing's lost if things were headed for the dumpster anyway.

 

Scott

[Starfall]

Still trying to pick up my jaw that fell to the floor!! lol

Well, I'm happy it works in your situation... I can't imagine it would work with most couples..

Getting to know eachother's passions/fantasies is good advice, I'll leave it that. Jaw still on the floor.

[nottoogreen]

Hi scott,

 

This is wonderful of you. The two of you surely bonded much more. An excellent example for openness works.

[arwen]

Hey scott,

 

Thank you for your post. I must say that it's hard to imagine how this feels for you, and I think you must love her a lot to accept this and not develop any hard feelings towards her.

 

Ilse

[nmduipd]

A thought: maybe human beings in general--of either sex--simply aren't made in a way that allows conventional thinking to work. And to even try to "stay conventional" is like trying to teach a cow to dance: doing so will only frustrate you, and upset the cow.

Scott

No, people are not made to stay conventional, no doubt about it.

Rethinking what's realistic is all that's required to "live with the price," too, nothing more. In my marriage, that price is seeing other guys look at her body. That's it. (And I don't mean tight jeans and a see-through top, either. I mean prolonged, completely naked, leg-spreading type stuff at basement strip clubs... so I know what I'm talking about, and not just suggesting you do something in a, "Here, you taste this first!" sort of way.) Is it hard? Not any more. Not after I realized how much more I meant to her for permitting such an unconventional thing.

 

Such "exception processing" is the very essense of being someone's mate, yes?

Scott

Wow!

My jaw is (still) at its place , but I'd like to know your secret.

And I have so many questions.

 

Have you learnt to find that arousing too?

Are you doing/ permitting it just for her sake?

Is she doing anything (similar) for you?

Is it just 'exception handling' technique that makes it possible?

Why do you still call it 'living with the price'?

 

But most of all, I'm impressed.

[Scout]

We did a poll recently on eNotalone about "valid" reasons for divorce. Obviously, it was a very subjective poll. The results: sexual incompatibility got the fewest votes (only one) and sexual infidelity got the highest number of votes.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that, convention or not, most people probably would have a problem believing that sharing their partner with other men/women can save their marriage. But differences in sexual desires they can live with.

 

While most everyone has sexual urges and a sexual drive, I believe there are some people with even more so. For those people, I suppose sex will be the dominant area of focus in their marriage, and so maybe open relationships of a sort would work for them.

[sonjam]

Scott, I remember you posts not so long ago about your worries and concerns, about the state of her body, and wanting to flaunt it all over the show. I remember that you were quite uncomfortable with it at the time. It sounds like you worked out the problems. I hope you are sure that this is not just something you make yourself believe in order to keep her.

[scott4321]

Hi all. This thread deserves a bit of explanation. Last summer, my wife made it known (gently but insistently), that she truly would like to try bringing some of her fantasies to life. It was in conjuction with an overall "assertiveness awakening" she was going through. So, she/we gave it a go, she liked it even more than she expected, wanted still more, and the rest is history.

 

But at the time, it wasn't so easy, and I came to eNot seeking advice and support. It was given in spades. So, I thought it only proper to take what I learned from the experience, and pass it back to those who helped me, in case I could do them some good. To return the favor, in a sense.

 

I didn't distill it all that well, I see (upon re-reading), but I can tell by the replies that it was understood, if not elegantly expressed.

 

Let me try it again:

 

NO ONE is "normal," and expecting them to be, or worse, trying to make them normal, is a fool's game. Meaning? Two people who are truly lifemates must understand that at a cellular level--and act on it when necessary--by converting their revulsion/fear/outrage/disgust/etc. into understanding and support, and then offer that transformed emotion back as love.

 

If is Powerful Stuff, I assure you. So powerful that it will scare you at first.

 

 

nmduipd

 

Has it become arousing to me, too? Most of the time. When something is planned, almost always. When she does something that catches me by surprise, maybe half the time.

 

Am I permitting it just for her sake? That's one of those presumptive questions. It isn't that simple. I guess it started that way, but since I've come to understand how precious (to her) that permission is, I'd feel somebody was taking something away from me if I didn't have that gift to give her anymore. Which means, I think, the answer is, "no."

 

Is she doing anything similiar for me? Yes. It's entirely different in nature, but identical in concept. Definitely "exception processing."

 

Is it just the exception handling mentality that makes it possible? Yes, I think so.

 

Why did I call it, "Living with the price"? To emphasize and make clear the conscious, unilateral nature of "exception handling" in the beginning, when it's first offered. It's not an exchange, it's a gift, with no guarantee of anything. (That I think it works frighteningly well, and would in virtually every case, is beside the point. Your heart and head must be in the right place to do such things, and if calculation is present, they're not.)

 

Scout

 

Another way of interpreting that poll is with the presumption that infidelity is only the symptom of a problem, and not the problem itself. Then doors open. Like this: when your mate can't find what he/she needs at home, they'll find it elsewhere, yes? So, remove the need for them to look elsewhere by letting them find it at home, with you.

 

Scott

[scott4321]

Scott, I remember you posts not so long ago about your worries and concerns, about the state of her body, and wanting to flaunt it all over the show. I remember that you were quite uncomfortable with it at the time. It sounds like you worked out the problems. I hope you are sure that this is not just something you make yourself believe in order to keep her.

 

Sonjam,

 

"Not so long ago" actually was, I think. About this time last year. A link to the original thread was put into another thread I started a week or so ago, so maybe you read the original recently without realizing how old it was? (Just speculating)

 

And in the name of accuracy, my original apprehension was far more about how people reacted to Sara's unconventional beauty than about what she did or wanted to do. Something that is still the hardest part, BTW.

 

So, yes, my acceptance did evolve. What allowed it was exactly what I'm talking about in this thread... my eventual understanding of the dynamics of loving a person for who they actually are instead of for how closely they map to your notions of "perfection." The former unfolds, the latter is what attracted you to them in the first place.

 

Because that's usually the root cause of marriage break-ups, isn't it? People use phrases like, "We grew apart." I disagree with that completely. Both partners were complete packages upon meeting. It's the incremental, intimate disclosure of that completeness that do couples in. The relationship equivalent of Nicholson's famous line, "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!" Because indeed, most people can't.

 

All I'm suggesting in this thread is to understand that such "unfolding" is a normal thing, and to embrace what's disclosed instead of resist or deny it, is a response that's rarely even considered, never mind employed.

 

Scott