I need good advice PLEASE!!!!!!!!

[john9999999]

I just dont know what to think anymore.

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for 8 years now.Up until the middle of last year she always talked about getting married and wanting to marry me and how much she is in love and then things just changed. I have always believed her and trusted her more than anyone. I never thought she could lie to me or would. She is a good girl from a good family and I always respected that. Anyway,I have been having a real hard time in life during the past couple years and have not been financially stable at all. She has helped me financialy for many years. We had an extremely intense sex life up until I had to move out of my house last year(before things went weird). I moved in with my stepfather and stayed there for a little while. Slowly, things began to just degrade. I noticed she just stopped caring as much and she didnt seem attracted to me as much. I kept asking her if she was having an affair and she swears she hasnt, but not only does my intuition tell me she has, but the signs that I have caught lean towards it. The only reason I am not certain she is cheating is by her word. I have done so much digging but I havent found any rock solid evidence that states she is or has cheated. She told me it was my financial situation and kept insisting that I had to get my life in order and that was what was bothering her. I asked her why she wasnt sexually interested and she said it was because we didnt have a place that we could have privacy. I understood, this went on for about a month.

Things kind of started to get more argumentive slowly, then one night she said she needed space. I was upset and cried for days and felt miserable because I thought she was done. I stopped by her work 3 days later to see her, we were in her office. I asked her where her nametag was and she said she was having lunch with an older woman in the breakroom and she gave it to her to punch her back in. All of a sudden a guy walks into her office and hands her her badge. I said, was that the older woman, I presume. Then things started to lean towards her having cheated. I asked who it was, she said that it was the new maintenance guy. Now I used to visit her at work all the time and she never minded, now she hates it when I do. after some bugging, she told me that she had taken this guy to cash his check after work because he needed money and lived 1 hour away. I said is that all that happened, she said yes it is. Then several days later, she said "Remember when I told you I went for a drive to the bank with GUY?, Well we didnt go right back." So now Im ready for miserable news. She then said "We drove around for a while talking." I got upset because I felt that it was cheating in a way because it took away from our relationship. She said that was all that happened. Well two days later we were hanging out and her cell phone rang, it was the GUY from work. She said "Im visiting John(me). She didnt ssay, "Im at my boyfriends". Anyway, I got anfry and we both agreed that he shouldnt be trying to have a relationship with her outside of work. NOW I can get to details. At the end of last year right around the time all this started and he started to work there, she hadbeen feeling like she couldnt talk to me, because I was so stressed. So she told the older lady at work all the things that were bothering her. That lady for some reason felt like breaking us up and told the new single guy who is 33 and lives with his parents, and is the maintenance guy(I am 26 and my girlfriend is 27), she told him all the things to say to my girlfriend and shared all the close things that my girl told her. One of those things was that "She just needed someone to talk to", This guy coincidentally said to my girlfriend,"If you just need someone to talk to, Im there for you". He is obviously a player. Ill move on now. My girlfriend was raped at her teenage years and has a hard time trusting people. Yet, she got in a car with this new maintenance guy after knowing him for 3 weeks, and supposedly drove through country roads for an hour or two. Why is that? I dont understand. This is not all.

Anyway, This was in December of last year(2 months without any intimacy at this point). WE remained broken up about 1 week and 1/2 , yet we still see each other at all hours she or I arent working, we always have. Only 3 days during this whole *conflict did we not see each other(Actually 3 days in 8 years) Anyway, we remained broken up until I mentioned that a girl asked me out, then 2 days later my girl did something I figured might happen. We met up after work and she said that the old lady at work told her a story and it made her realize that people deserve a second chance(I dont know what I did the first time) and she said "A new beginning?" I said ok and we were together again, that night she seemed to have her old sex drive back, we got intimate(not sexual but intimate)I pleased her, then she lost the mood.

The next day, intimacy was gone again and things just degraded again.

Still we remained distant and unintimate until Feb. She said she had a belated Christmas Party for work she had to goto at the bar next town over. It took all I had to not freak out because I knew he was gonna be there and drinking would occur. She promised that she would never get in a car with him again and she never cheated and never planned to cheat. She has always drove home to her parents house whenever it began to blizzard in the last 8 years I have known her. Yet, she was supposed to page me when the party was done around 8pm.The party started at 6pm and so did this blizzard. It snowed heavily from 6 until 12am, when I finally got tired of being nervous, I still hadnt received a page. I knew she was drinking and her sex drive goes up when she drinks, plus all the snow, etc. So I drove up to the bar to check and make sure she wasnt passed out. I pulled in and they were both sitting in her car. There was no snow or ice on the car, yet it had been snowing heavily for 6 hours. I went to the window and they both looked like deer in headlights. When she opened the window, hot air blew in my face. She didnt say it there but she told me later that she said she was leaving and he jumped in the car and they were only in the car for 2 minutes before I showed up. I didnt believe it due to no snow on the car and her car takes a while to heat up, especially in a snowstorm.I got angry and screamed, "I take it this is GUY?" Then I said to him "Whats your deal, you know we are trying to deal with something and your tryiing to take advantage of her?" He says to me, "Lets go, lets fight" Now, I am a scrapper and a good fighter, but I figured that my girlfriend would hbe angry if I fought at her xmas party and I thought Id make him look foolish by not fighting, so I just waved it off. I was pissed off and said I never wanted to see her. I left to go home. She showed up minutes later crying and upset. We are still together now and this was in Feb. On Valentines Day, still no intimacy, and still no intimacy all the way up until July. She was a nymphomaniac for 7 years, then no intimacy. Now, everytime I show up at her work, random as it may be, there he and she are sitting out having break together. Or he is walking into her office. She said she told him we were back togethr and he got pissed.

 

I really need help on this, its killing me. The only reason I am even staying in this state and having financial problems is to be with her. If shes cheating, Ill just join the service or something, I have nothing here. She knows Im ready to marry, I was going to propose the week she dumped me.

 

So my questions are, is she cheating on me or do the signs just seem that way. She has always been so honest and caring. She still helps me financially, but she says she feels like my mother. Every time we have sex, I have to initiate it and after she gets pleased, she could care less about me. I actually cut it off because she makes stupid expressions and I feel like Im doing something wrong even trying. I went 9 months without any intimacy from her without cheating. I dont get it. She tells me i need to be less critical, so i did. Then she said I need to be more financially stable, she just seems to have one gripe after another. I really feel like she is holding on to me on the side. I think somethings going on or still going on at work, but everytime I mention it she gets defensive and angry at me. I told her she shouldnt be defensive if shes innocent. I said he shouldnt have started a fight, if they were "just friends", I said he shouldnt get angry when she told him we were back together, unless he had diff intentions. Its just so screwed up. I NEED HELP!

\To sum it up

I am in dier need of assistance, I dont know what to do or where to go. All I know is that since she first started this crap, I have slowly lost more and more feelings for her. My sex drive has decreased about 75%. I cant concentrate at work, my job stinx anyway. Please Help

-John

[segagirl]

Hi, and welcome to eNotalone.

 

I am sorry to hear you are having a hard time trusting your girlfriend. I do not think that she is cheating, but I only have few words to go by. Understanding women is the key here. When we are not having sex, its not usually because we are getting it elsewhere, we dont usually work that way. We lose interest in sex for emotional reasons. She has told you more that once that she is sick of being your mom. She takes care of you and has for years. That gets a little frustrating...which is also why the sex is one-sided. She think heck he can take care of me for once!

You want sex and that good feeling again? Get a good job, or work three if you have to...and start taking care of her. Once you take this pressure off of her, and prove to her that you are able to get your life straight....she will start to feel good again.

Cannot get a job where you are? so start searching in other states, find something that makes tons of money and ask her to marry you, sweep her off her feet and take her where the success is. If she thinks you are committed to working hard, she will follow you anywhere.

[john9999999]

Thanks for the advice, I dont know if Im replying correctly, but thank you very much. What you told me is how I was feeling what I figured was going on in her head. I just needed to hear it from a woman. I brought this up to an advice column in December and they said "she is cheating and I should dump her" I refused to follow that advice even though I have had this intuitive feeling that she is cheating. I think she is just stressed and her finances arent much better than mine. Your right, I need to grow up quickly before I stress both of us out. I admire her for standing by me all these years through all the hell i have been through in the past 8 years it was good to have her. Im just starting to feel like Im more trouble than she needs(bad luck speaking) I have been shot 7 times,stabbed twice, my four best friends have been murdered and almost all of my remaining friends have died in accidents,etc. My mother went weird and hooked up with an alchoholic who convinced her to move 2,000 miles away and kick me out. She did, which is why I had to live the way I have the last 2 years. Im not looking for pity at all, Im just trying to make a point that even though Im a good man, bad luck seems to be screwing us up a little too. I dont know, thanks for the help though, I appreciate it tremendously. I will get a new job, I make really good money now, but Im a telecom contractor and I need to wait until I get paid which is months sometimes.,

Im ruunnin my mind again, thx -John

[Anscorpion11]

i feel sorry for you

john...i dont know this gurl personally but i think she is cheating on you..if she is not cheating she has lost interest in you and scared to tell you or she wants you tere to fall on to...she seems like she has no interest in you and tere is someting goin on with tha maintenance guy it seems...i would recommend you to tell her clearly that if she is not gonna get it togeter the relationship is over..give her a week to think dont go near her or talk to her..tell her to think about it...after the week ask her why she is acting like that and if she wants to continue the relationship......MOST LIKELY she will say yes.....tell her tat if she dont cooperate to make the relationship work is over.....and if you see noting has changed like if she is still acting weird with tha maintenance guy and distant..no intimacy...tell her is over and be FIRM..life is to short to be playing games like tat..dont give her more chances....even thou you love her..try to forget her cut contact wit her..see oter ppl..and work hard to make your financial deal better.............IF SHE DONT CHANGE.........END IT...DEFINETELY.........well i hope everyting gets better...bye