he said i sucked in bed

[Hope75]

Hi There Heyguys,

 

Wow! I did some reading on the links that kellbell provided. At first I was prepared to say as others had that he was passive aggressively trying to hurt you back for hurting him with your infidelity. Having read your previous posts... I see a long history of disrespect on his part. I really don't see much consideration for you at all. These aren't really just minor issues that someone sensitive would be bothered by, either. By themselves one of these issues might be workable, but this is an established pattern that has been happening for over a year, pretty much since shortly after you got together.

 

Like kellbell and others have said, it really seems like you have reached the point of no return with this guy.

 

Do you feel that you deserve the love, kindness, respect, and considerations that are the cornerstone of any healthy relationship?

[Starfall]

Yes, this guy is an _ _ _. Please.... I'm sure he could improve as well. At 22 I can't imagine you've had a lot of experience to know what is good and what isn't. At first I felt he said that because he wasn't thinking.. but then when you said he apologized and STILL said he wished you'd get better in bed... then that is the RED FLAG you should see waving loud and clear.

 

At 39, I can now say I did suck in bed in my 20's. I knew nothing and just went with the flow. I've had boyfriends and an ex husband.. all who have NEVER said that I needed to improve and I asked frequently. Why? They were mature men and I'm sure looking back they were being nice. It wasn't until my 30's that I actually started to get into the whole sex thing... how to please my partner, tricks, turn-ons etc. I educated myself through the internet, books, tapes and would try things out on my husband. Even he says ......how I am now is such a complete turn around.... from where I used to be. This is coming from the girl who was afraid for him to see me naked and I'm not overweight. I was very insecure.

 

I'm sure you can improve and you can educate yourself. We all can. I'm sure you're a great lover and I hope you don't waste anymore of your time and your precious body on him. There is someone out there who will appreciate all that you have to give.

[heyguys]

ya i dont know what to do i feel so hurt. he has apologized and says we make great love but my techniques arent so great and he wants me to improve but i dont know, its like now know how he really feels. he tells me not to worry about it, but i dont know its a big blow to my ego...yes women have big egos like men too...what should i tell him when he tells me to get over it or not worry about it

[Beyondthesea]

Unless he gives specific directions about what he wants that you aren't doing, tell him to bite it. That's my advice.

 

My fiance & I give each other hints in bed..."honey try this" etc and that's great instead of resenting what the other is doing. There's no need to come out and be a jerk about it.

 

Really hon, there's deeper issues rooted here, but that's something we'll all go into later I'm sure. Certainly you cheated but either he has to forgive and forget or the relationship won't work out.

[heyguys]

yeah, beyondthesea, i agree.throughout our relationship he said he loved our sexual relationship, but sometimes i noticed he wanted me to do things a certain way or experiement, and i always did. i knew he wanted me to be more spontaneous and stuff and i tried. but i had no idea it was so bad to him, bc he never made me feel bad so i guess it was all bottled up emotions that came out.and yes i can just improve since he was being nice about it all before, but i just got real insecure hearing about the other girls who knew how to please him, just grossed out. i cant get the images and jealousy out of my head, as well as feeling hurt i cant please him

[Hope75]

HeyGuys,

 

This isn't the first issue that you have had with him. He's pretty much been disrespectful and inconsiderate of your feelings from the beginning.

 

Your cheating definitely didn't help things, but even before that he was doing things that a guy in a committed relationship should not be, knowing that they upset you, and now even though he agreed to forgive you and work things out after you cheated, he seems to think it gives him lisense to insult you and hurt your feelings, he devestates you with a comment like that, and then tells you to get over it.

 

Do you honestly think this is the way a guy who loves and respects you would treat you?

[heyguys]

no, i guess the hard part is probably convincing myself and accepting he really doesnt love me. all his friends and family and himself tell me he loves me but i guess his actions prove other wise.

[Hope75]

no, i guess the hard part is probably convincing myself and accepting he really doesnt love me. all his friends and family and himself tell me he loves me but i guess his actions prove other wise.

 

See that's the thing. Words are very easy to say, aren't they? I could tell you right now that I love you. How do you know when it's the honest to goodness truth? Pay attention to his actions. Those are where his real intention lies. He's done alot of things to show you that he does not respect you, care for your feelings, or take you into consideration. You've mentioned that you thought you were being overly sensitive, but I don't think you are. You are trying to rationalize it because it's a hard thing to face, and if you admit to yourself that his actions are those of a man who very likely does not love you, than you yourself may be forced to take action, as in leaving him.

 

That's a hard thing to think about, but do, for a minute or two. Can you honestly say that given how he's treated you in the past on many occasions, that he is showing love and kindness, respect and courtesy towards you?

 

Honey, you deserve those things, you really do. But as long as you stay with him and allow him to treat you poorly, you show him that you are willing to be treated less than you should be, and that it's OK to do whatever he darn well pleases, act as though he is single, and say terrible and cutting remarks to you to hurt your feelings.

 

The fact that you also cheated shows that maybe you yourself are having doubts about this relationship, deep down.

 

Between the two of you, I just don't see a healthy dynamic there. It's not a good relationship for either of you.

[yeawutever]

If he's been disrespectful way back before you cheated and it's only getting worst now then it's time to break up with him and move on. Why still stay with someone who treats you horribly??

 

Also by doing that, he's not working things out, but worstening them.

[fishrrshortae]

Wow this whole thing sounds way outta countrol... he didn't JUST tell you how bad you were in bed, he COMPARED you to other women.. he has enough nerve to know that he could say that and get away with it!!!! You're still holding on to him! Don't you see that as a huge problem?! I don't care HOW great things were at one point, it really seems like this is beyond repair, and you need to figure out how to muster enough self esteem to tell him to go bleep himself

[yeawutever]

I would never forgive a comment liek that if I were you, I would be already packing my bags. Techinically, before you cheated, there was really no sorta of effective relation, it was dead way back. I don't really think you should stay with him out of sympathy and it would be better if you guys split up and to separate ways. If he's not willing to break up, you can do that favor for him.

[heyguys]

ahhh i dont know what to do! he has apologized and said that i was good and i am the first person he has ever "made love to" and that he loves being with me intimately but he wants me to do new things. the way he said it that night we fought was just an immature way of him showing hes mad.i dont know what to believe anymore.

[Beyondthesea]

Honestly I really think this guy is toxic. He changes his moods faster than the weather.

 

If he was really truly sorry, he would learn to control himself and his words. He hasn't been the best boyfriend to you, and you two have obviously had a fair amount of problems in the past. Is that really someone you want to pour so much effort into?

 

Knowing what I know now, a relationship should be work, but not that much work.

[nottoogreen]

...i am the first person he has ever "made love to"...

Was he a virgin? Ask him. If so he got a bloody big mouth.

 

In any case, he has to be more sensitive. You are not a machine for the sole purpose of satisfying his phantasies.

 

Also, how well does he do? How many women have orgasms with their lovers:

[mikeca]

he lashed out because hes hurting still, your going to have to have a talk with him to see if you can work his out, honestly though I dont think hes forgiven you for cheating, and maybe he shouldnt, if you loved him why did you cheat on him?

[Hope75]

ahhh i dont know what to do! he has apologized and said that i was good and i am the first person he has ever "made love to" and that he loves being with me intimately but he wants me to do new things. the way he said it that night we fought was just an immature way of him showing hes mad.i dont know what to believe anymore.

I'm just going to copy and paste part of a post that I wrote to you earlier, because again, it really fits into this situation. I ask you to read it and think about it, and tell me what you think, particularly the parts in bold.

 

 

See that's the thing. Words are very easy to say, aren't they? I could tell you right now that I love you. How do you know when it's the honest to goodness truth? Pay attention to his actions. Those are where his real intention lies. He's done alot of things to show you that he does not respect you, care for your feelings, or take you into consideration. You've mentioned that you thought you were being overly sensitive, but I don't think you are. You are trying to rationalize it because it's a hard thing to face, and if you admit to yourself that his actions are those of a man who very likely does not love you, than you yourself may be forced to take action, as in leaving him.

 

That's a hard thing to think about, but do, for a minute or two. Can you honestly say that given how he's treated you in the past on many occasions, that he is showing love and kindness, respect and courtesy towards you?