Dear Anybody...

[Surrended souls]

I dont really know who im writing too.. anyone that is willing to listen i guess... i read everybody else's stories and problems and i think mayb theres nothing wrong with me mayb this is stupid compared to every1 else's problems...so im just writing to anyone who can help me...

 

i am 16 years old and i have the worst relationship with my mum. I dont even know where to start... well we fight a lot. most the time we are together we hurt each other mentally and occasionally physically. Most of my friends go out often and party but my mum is really strict and hardly allows me, because she is worried because she loves me. Anyway now she is starting to cut some slack and give me some more freedom as i am going on 17. We fight about things like going out to who broke the computer. In my family i feel like i always mess up. I know my mum loves me, but she drives me absolutly mental. She always makes me feel down.. when she's mad she often tells me im selfish.. and then gives all these examples which always convince me that its true.. and often she says that im spoilt. I talk to my boyfriend and friends about it.. (most of them hate my mum and think shes crazy as well as the mums of my friends) and they say that most of the time wat she says isnt true. I dont agree at all with the spoilt part. Compared to my friends I dont find myself spoilt. However about the sefish part... I dont know anymore. I think the more she says it the more i believe it. Last year i got really depressed... friendship problems.. here it is really hard for me to keep up with my friends because they all go out so much and if your not with them one night you get left out later on... so i try keep up the best i can... which is hard for me because i have a very overprotective mother and a boyfriend of a year and a half that i love so much. he's great. he's always there for me when times are tough... its just hard for me to balance things sometimes.. i used 2 cut myself.. fights with my family, school, friends.. its hard for me. i dont know whether its just because of who i am and how i deal with things but i cry a lot. i could go on all day with all the bad things tat have happened to me in the past year but what i really need to know right now is, is it my fault? tat my relationship with my mother is so messed up.

 

About a year ago she left her e-mails open on the computer and i saw it accidentally.. when i looked on the screen i saw e-mails from some guy with really strange subject headings so i had a look. They ended up being pretty dirty e-mails to each other. and i guess thats where you can say i started hating her. I was shocked.I felt sick.. i couldnt really talk to her for about a week.. and when i looked at my dad i felt even worse.. i felt so bad..i was so digusted at her...anyway i finally got over that but the fights got worse... so since then she just puts me down so much when we fight.. i really honestly believe that im a bad person now. I can admit when i have done something wrong... i can. but i really dont understand how i can b punished for so many things... how can it always be me? i stoped cutting myself after 6 months with the help of my boyfriend. Then recently i started turning to alcohol and i drank by myself most times i was sad in my room at night. My mum and i got into a phyisicall fight just a few weeks ago where she ended up on top of me and hurt me pretty bad. so i ended up running in the rain to a close friends house. When i go to other places where my mum isnt i feel so good... when i go to my best friends house i get along with her mum so well and im so happy that i dont wanna go bak to my family. I just got bak from the beach with my friend and today im already fighting with my mum. she ended up crying coz i wasnt talking nicely to her. yeah ok i might be being a bit of a * * * * * sometimes to her but sometimes she is so damn annoying and so damn stupid! argh i cant help it.. im scared that im starting to hate her more and more everyday...and most of the time i speak bad 2 her coz she is shouting at me or something! what am i supposed to do? sit there and listen 2 her when she is being a hypocrital * * * * *? coz im running out of idea's on how to punish myself and the punishing is starting to pile up. i feel so stressed out, when i fight i cry all night... i cry every week at least once, not always about my mum/family though but other things and i lose my appetite when im sad... im sick of puffy eyes and feeling down. please tell me what im supposed to do.. i think its best if i just dont have a relationship with my mum. it'll b one less thing ill blame myself for.

[doyathink]

Hi SS,

Welcome, sorry your first post is one of sorrow! I'm not 16 anymore but my daughter is. 16 is a hard age, Most of the teenage years are. Your just discovering the world in nearly grown up eyes. Your only accountable for your own actions and can only blame yourself for them, Your not to blame for the actions of other and from the sound of your post, your mom needs to deal with her own issues and not make you feel bad for whatever it is in her life that is disturbing her.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself, try to deal with your emotions in a healthy way not self injury. What do you like to do for fun? Whenever your feeling down or your mom has hurt your feeling try to find escape in something uplifting.

 

I would also suggest you and your mother have a heart to heart talk, do it when you are both calm, don't wait till one or both of you are angry and start venting on each other. I would also suggest family therapy! Can you talk to your dad? Would they be willing to go to a group therapy? You need someone face to face that you can talk in-depth to, maybe a school counselor perhaps.

 

I'm sorry I wasn't more help. I wish you all the best and I hope you can get into therapy.

[nottoogreen]

Hi Surrended souls

 

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

doyathink already made some suggestions. I have a few more.

 

Being you is not easy, being your mum is not easy either. I guess your dad left and you mom is pretty lonely and has to work to take care of you.

 

You could make your life easier by helping your mom more. Do more chores in the house to reduce her burden. Think about how to help her.

 

Also talk to her that you are maturing and are responsible and desire reasonable freedom.

 

In short help her, gain freedoms.

 

Important, avoid fights, she is mad or moody, please shut up and avoid fights. Better just hold her!

 

Be patient and work on it.

[robowarrior]

First off all, when you talk about problems, there's always someone who has it worse or less worse, but that doesn't mean your problem isn't important enough to discuss about.Its more important to NEVER make your heart a murder hole.

 

Crazy, your mom probably is crazy so you have to treat her like a mentally ill patient. Your whole situation is like a black hole that you are constantly being sucked into. What you want to do is to spend as LESS possible time with your mom as you can. Stay in the library, with friends be everywhere where she is not. If she restricts you at home, go upstairs and do homework or something else that is usefull for your future, whatever you do ,don't be with her. NC ing with your mom, if you know what i mean.

 

Next is that you have to change your stance and style in life.

 

The meaning of life is to love and help others. And thus you want your life to resolve around that,because there is nothing in the universe that can give you happyness exept love for others.

 

The universe acts like a mirror , what you put into it will be reflected at you. If you put hatred and misery in, hatred and misery will be reflected back on you. If you put love and light into it , you will receive happyness back.

 

You must understand that negativity leads to nowhere. Has the fighting and arguing ever made you happy? The arguments acted like droplets of poison in the relationship and has effectivly destroyed anything healthy that was left between you and your mother. As you can see, small arguments can lead to BIG fights.

 

So what you have to do is NOT participate in the fighting and refusing to commit into negative arguments, rather turning the right cheek, and keep on loving and helping your mother.

 

"You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." (Matthew 5:38-42, NIV)

 

What you don't want to do is to give another spin to that wheel of hatred, because then only your mother will give another spin, and you will give another spin and the evil and hatred will never come to an end, you should only answer to your mother with love, if you get my drift. And stop the movements of this wheel of hatred so that it may come to a halt.

[phantomwolff85]

I would say that communication is key. I do not believe in turning the other cheek. If someone is putting you down you have the right to respectfully stand up for yourself and not just take it. I know that this is a very difficult thing to do especially if a lot of your interactions are voliatile. I wish you luck and would definitely say to spend as much time as you can away from your mom.

[doyathink]

Important, avoid fights, she is mad or moody, please shut up and avoid fights. Better just hold her!

 

Be patient and work on it

 

Very sound advice!

[Haven]

First of all, you probably shouldn't be thinking of your mother as "annoying" and "stupid"?

 

As for how to deal with her, have you tried just being honest? When she tells you that you're being selfish, do you tell her that it makes you sad that she doesn't think you are a good person? When you start to argue, could you say that you hate how your relationship is like this? Could you tell her what you feel?

 

Believe me, I have gotten into so many arguments with my parents. A lot of times it would be because they criticized me about something, and I would get defensive and then the argument would start. But then I thought: why don't I just tell them how their words are making me feel? Why don't I tell them how I'm being hurt, instead of trying to hurt them back? Why don't I just say how I feel, instead of pretending that their words don't hurt me?

 

I just think you should ask yourself these questions. Your mom might not understand what you're going through at all. Because if she really loves you (which you said she does), she would not be treating you like that. Sometimes parents have a completely warped view of what their kids are going through.. I know my parents don't understand me most of the time.

[nottoogreen]

I just think you should ask yourself these questions. Your mom might not understand what you're going through at all. Because if she really loves you (which you said she does), she would not be treating you like that. Sometimes parents have a completely warped view of what their kids are going through.. I know my parents don't understand me most of the time.

Sorry Haven, I do not concur except that warped views of each other are the norm.

 

Please read my above post again and think about it.

[Surrended souls]

thank you all so much for all your advice. it really did make me feel better on many levels. Im just going to keep trying my best to keep peace in my family and stay out as much as possible. I ended up leaving the house again last night to a mates because i just felt so down and getting grief from my mother wasnt making me feel better. Today she has cooled down and things arent so bad. What could help though is if my dad was home more i guess... because he can normally calm things down between us, but since he is hardly home, and ironically never there when we are fighting he cant take sides and if he does its almost mostly my mums. Which makes sense i guess since there 'adults' If only he was home more often so there would be less fights and if there were fights he would be home to witness it instead of come home and fight with us as to who was in the wrong and who was in the right and then tell me that im ruining his marriage to my mental mother. I've been seeing the school councelor for a while now, about 6 months ago she called my parents in because she was concerned, well let me say.. that went really well....(not) i must of got a good go at by my dad because he thinks its stupid for me to see the councelor. I guess they dont understand how its like to be me, and yeah i could 'communicate' with them about how i feel but just with history of my family and the sorts of problems i have i find it easier to talk to other people. And when i tried to convince my dad that something is wrong with my mum and i think she needs to get some help because she drinks way to much and is really moody he got angry at me. Anyway thanks again everyone.

[nottoogreen]

You are welcome to talk here.

 

Tell us about your family problems. Why is your dad not home much?

[Haven]

Sorry Haven, I do not concur except that warped views of each other are the norm.

 

Please read my above post again and think about it.

I'm not sure what you mean.. I was trying to point out that successful communication is necessary, and is a huge part of any healthy relationship. Hopefully I'm not wrong in that?

[nottoogreen]

I'm not sure what you mean.. I was trying to point out that successful communication is necessary, and is a huge part of any healthy relationship. Hopefully I'm not wrong in that?

 

Perhaps you confused me.

 

I just think you should ask yourself these questions. Your mom might not understand what you're going through at all. Because if she really loves you (which you said she does), she would not be treating you like that. Sometimes parents have a completely warped view of what their kids are going through.. I know my parents don't understand me most of the time.

 

IMHO, the highlightened sentence, questioning her mothers love, does not belong in there - which I should have highlighted in the first place.

[Haven]

Perhaps you confused me.

 

 

 

IMHO, the highlightened sentence, questioning her mothers love, does not belong in there - which I should have highlighted in the first place.

Oh, God, I'm sorry. What I really meant was, "If she really loved you and knew how much she was hurting you, then she would not be treating you like that and continue to hurt you, she would make a genuine effort to help fix things."

 

So by that I meant, if she started communicating with her mother about how much she was being hurt, then her mother would definitely make an effort to stop criticizing her so much... (and the only way this would not happen would be if her mother did not love her (and her mother definitely does love her), so she can only improve the relationship by starting to communicate)...

 

I really hope I'm explaining that more clearly. Sorry again, that original sentence came out in completely the wrong way

[nottoogreen]

No problem, after all we can communicate!

[Lucky1]

I have a daughter that is 16, we have had our share of ups and downs very much like I had with my own mother when I was 16. The thing is talking with your mom sounds like great advice, but instead of talking about this with friends and with us, even though that is great. Sometimes when we are so unhappy that we hurt ourselves ( you said you used 2 cut yourself ) or when you and mom get in fights. Maybe you could ask your mom if you could go to a counselor to help you communicate with her in a positive way. Because it sounds like you really want to do that and you want to have a healthy and positive relationship with her. I know that she has to want that too. I know this is a really hard time in both your lives. Sometimes we need someone to help us through those times. To help us make the best choices.

[Surrended souls]

hi everyone... yeah i just wanted to say sorry that my first post on this site was a very depressing one.. but i really needed some help. anyway thanks again for all your help. It's really helping me look at things from a different perspective. Well the reason why my dad isnt home much is because he works and if he's not working then he is playing golf a lot..so he isnt here as much as i'd like him to be sometimes. Whats really ironic is how it used to be the opposite. I used to hate my dad beacuse he used to hurt me when i was little and he has a temper so he gets mad really easily so its not good to be on the bad side of him. Anyway last night was the worst night of my life... it was prom. I had my fantasy of how i thought the prom would be...i have a boyfriend and this is the first prom i've been too so i was really excited i spent so much money and time into preparing for this event. My expectations went something like this..he would bring me a flower and then take me to the prom and dance with me and tell me im beautiful and then take me out after the prom to an after party with out friends and then bring me home. Hmmm.. well it went something like this...he came to my house and told me my dress wasnt that great. Tat next time he should come and help me pick one. Then he told me that he's ditching me after the prom to go to an after party with his friends. I felt just a little * * * *... oh but it gets better... then we get there and leaves me to sit down and wait for my friends alone on the sofa at the hotel while he talks to his mates who are round the corner. So by tat time i wasnt feeling in the mood anymore, until my friends came and pretty much ignored me too. Because they dont have boyfriends and they only need me when they dont have each other. So then he and i slow danced until his friend called him in the middle of the dance and he picked up n left me to walk off the stage. I felt so special. We all ended up leaving early beacuse the prom sucked and i wasnt even in the mood, we all went to get some drinks and play pool. i ended up drinking a little too much and not have eaten anything that day really kicked in. i spent the rest of the night on my bathroom floor with my head in the toilet. Ahh wat a perfect night. Anyway i know that has nothing to do with family but my mum did make me feel like krap last night too. I asked her if my boyfriend could stay the night at my house and she said no. Wat i dont understand though is how she allows me to go to the beach with him for 5 days and i sleep there with him but then im not allowed to have sleepovers with him here now. I dont get that.. its been 1 year and a half. I really cant understand my mum. Anyway sorry im going on, i just thought it would make me feel better letting this all out somewhere. And if anyone is reading it then dont sympathize for me because thats not why i wrote it. i just wrote it to let my feelings out and hopefully get some more advice. My dads going to singapore today. going to have to be on best behavior now that its just mum and me.. and my sister. Theres so much tension in the house, one thing i never mentioned that causes lots of problems is how my sister is dyslexic. Really badly, and she struggles really badly, changing schools all the time and repeating years and she's quite naughty and makes me parents angry a lot. Its really hard to be patient with her and its even harder for me because i feel like my parents expect so much from me since she isnt going to do that well in school so the pressure is on for me to do well to make them proud, But to be honest i dont even think i care anymore about impressing anybody. I dont think much of my mum, i think my friends are * * * * *es, i feel like im there back up and my boyfriend is spending more and more time with his friends and im feeling more and more alone.

 

Thank you all for making me feel so welcome here. Means a lot.

[nottoogreen]

Hi Surrended souls,

 

What a prom, so much for being happy. It's sad when something you worked for does not work out.

 

From your first post, I thought your dad had left your family, I am glad he is around. So your dad is busy, but seems to have a good time, your mom is lonely and has a hard time with your sister (and you ).

 

Your boyfriend seems to enjoy himself, is not very sensitive about your feelings and has less time for you.

 

Your feelings are understandable. Only how to make it work?

 

Your dad and mom seem to avoid the problems in their relationship. You can't fix them. Dad and mom going to counseling would be good for your family.

 

Your bf may be fead up by your problems, explaining why he spends less time with you. It is better your keep your family problems away from a bf as a bf is not a counselor and he can not help you. Try to have happy time with him and talk to him nicely when he is insensitive about your feelings.

 

My best bet for you being happier is your mom. She seems quite nice to let you stay with bf on beach. Unless you are 18, I would not allow it .

 

I would not allow my daughter sleepovers of lovers either. It's a bad example for siblings you know.

 

Mom is drinking is a big problem. Seems dad does not understand her and likes to stay away. She having an email-bf shows she is very lonely. Please do not be mad at her, you are a woman too, you could try to understand her more and listen to her. Ask her why she is sad and listen to her. Try to understand her feelings. You both can understand and help each other.

 

My big suggestion is to be patient and loving with your mom and be closer with her.

 

Also try to organize happy time (going out to a zoo or something like that ?) together with mom and dad and sister.

 

And you are always welcome to talk here.

 

P.S. There are 5 people in your story. Your mom, dad, sis, bf and you. To understand how you all function together, you got to think about each combination, variation, life... of all of them. Not easy, but trying to understand the whole story helps

[nottoogreen]

Hi Surrended souls,

 

One more thing.

 

Your mom mayby upset with herself about your sis being dyslexic. You could give your mom comfort by telling her that it is not her fault. It's a medical condition, nothing she could do about it.

 

Is your dad upset with mom about your sis?