What's with the text messages duging NC?

[shelly7]

My ex has been stringing me along for months claiming he needs some space. HE assured me that it had nothing to do with another woman, he just felt that things were getting serious and he needed some time. So as hard as it was I granted him his wish and would only talk to him when he innitiated contact. During this time I did something that I'm very embarrased about, I read his email. I saw a travel itenerary for him and another girl. Needless to say I was devastated. I can't eat, i can't sleep and worst of all I can't tell him what I know. He keeps contacting me and I finally let him know that I knew for a fact that something was going on and he said that it was nothing serious, just someone to talk to and that it was a superficial relationship to get his mind off of things. He also told me he hopes that he can have a chance with me in the future because he knows he's capable of giving me everything I deserve and more, just not right now. He never admitted planning a vacation with this * * * * * and now I'm crushed. He sent me a text this morning and I ignored it NC can't start soon enough for me. In the meantime, I'm completely at a loss. What are his intentions? Am I foolish for hoping he'll come back? Strike that I know I'm foolish, but I can't help it. Any advice would be so appreciated, please be kind, cause I'm feeling really low.

[jessicadon]

Sounds like he is keeping you around incase things don't work out with her. I can't imagine him telling you he will give you everything you deserve while he is taking other women on vacation. You deserve someone much better than that. Don't let him keep you from finding that person. To be honest if he came back would you really want him? Could you ever trust him? He would just leave again.

[shelly7]

I know you're right, but it hurts so much. Maybe I would feel better if he knew what I knew, then maybe he would leave me alone.

[Bethany]

I would tell him that there is NO hope of ever getting back together in the future as you don't want to be around a lying, cheating creep like him anymore. Tell him there is no way you're gonna stick around like some fool while he goes off and has a good time with some random girl who means nothing to him, then go NC. That should shake him in his boots and if it doesn't, you really are better off without him.

[shelly7]

I'm sitting here with the words already typed into my phone. Should I end this for good? I'm scared to play this the wrong way, I really do love him, I know i sound like an idiot.

[Iceman26]

Text messaging in a situation like that is a cowards way of communicating. He doesn't have the balls to contact you via phone or in person, so he sends his cowardly little messages.

 

End it. You may love him, but he obviously only loves himself.

[blender]

Shelly, of course you are hurting, this was devastating to find that email, but take this information as a blessing, at least YOU know what he's capable of.. and as long as he is still holding the line so to speak by contacting you.. just know that the ONLY thing you can do is to start "no contact" right now... one moment at a time, you are going to hurt, cry, scream, wonder, but for right now, there is NOTHING to discuss with him.. it will only give him the satisfaction of having his curiosity about where you stand alleviated... do NOT give him this energy... not right now. For today, you are going to protect YOUR heart...

 

It's okay that you are "hoping" you might get back together, and that's normal, and it might even happen, but it won't happen if you "stay in the picture right now"... if you fully remove yourself from his life (do not tell him this is your plan, do not make any announcements to him about no contact and do not express your feelings right now), just for today, do not contact him, let him find out what life is like without you, completely....

 

If he's any kind of a decent, loving, wise man, who is even worthy of your heart, then he will discover that the grass in not greener on the other side, (who ever this girl is that is traveling with him). let her be with him right now, but NOT with you in the wings, this will only diminish who you are in his eyes, but MORE IMPORTANTLY it will leave YOU feeling, well.. less than steller.. so cry in the shower, talk to friends, vent here, and start "no contact" one day at a time for now....

 

Your not responding to any of his calls, well, it will give him a chance to "wonder", "think"... and maybe even "change his disrespecting plans of a trip with someone else"... and believe me, if he does not have the opportunity to speak with you at all before he leaves on this trip, the ONLY THING he will be wondering/thinking of when he goes is YOU.... so do NOT talk to him right now.

 

but really what he is choosing to do has nothing to do with you, it's about him, he's probably in love with you and he's panicking and he's running away for a bit, to see if he can have his cake and eat it too.. now is the crucial time for you to have personal boundaries for your own heart... leave him be right now, no contact.

 

do NOT respond to anymore of his texts, or emails, or calls, do NOT discuss your feelings with him, he NO LONGER has the honor of engaging your heart or conversation at this point, set a standard for yourself and know that if a guy is on the "fence" about his feelings for you, then leave him there, no helping hand to ease his transition, let him sit on the fence and get uncomfortable enough until he can make the mature, manly choice as to whether he's going to "step up to the plate" and be in your life the "right" way or he's going to keep running from himself and going out with different women until it gets serious and he has to run again, or "needs space" again.... he has plenty of "space" and it's between his ears right now, a big empty space... don't fill it with your comfort, or deseparate feelings.. let him hear the rattle of loneliness without your words to cloud him or confront him... If you truly wish to provoke a response from him, then leave him be, no contact, one day at a time, this will allow you to grieve, heal, and him to THINK.... let him go right now, it's the best thing for YOU...

 

YOU are special, loving, kind, trustworthy and remember you deserve the same in return from the man in your life, anything less, is well...LESS....

 

Have the courage and the self respect to ignore him right now, and be proud of yourself for each moment you go without contacting him or responding to him... he's not going anywhere, I promise, but he will run away or just play games if you keep up contact, so let go... let go and have standards/values for yourself, his choices right now are not making you a priority so it is up to you to make YOURSELF a priority, and that starts with NO CONTACT.... I know you are hurting, but let those feelings flow and cry, cry, cry, but do not go to him a "dry well" for water right now, it will only leave you more thirsty... breathe, you'll be okay, and you are starting today with standards for yourself, no man is worth it, if he can not step up and be decent, loving, honest, committed and kind...

[l0stNc0nfuzzLed]

yeah. i've been told this before and i'd to pass this on to you. you're his "in case of emergency, break glass" girl. because he knows you'll always be there whenever he needs you, but only when he needs you. but when you need him, he won't be there for you. trust me, he's not worth it.

[shelly7]

Blender,

 

Wow! Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me, I can't tell you how much it means to me. It's killing me not to confront him. I feel like I'm having a panic attack. Sitting on this information is torture. I hope I can do the right thing.

[blender]

Shelly, I've been there and I do know how you feel, but the best thing to do when you are feeling such urgency and panick is to do NOTHING... just breathe, I know how you are aching, but those are "feelings" so for this moment try to stick with the "facts" instead, and remember if this guy is going to be in your life, it's going to be withing YOUR standards/values, and nothing less, for today, no contact, just for today, you can do it... the information was a blessing, take it as one, and know that for today, you are not going to do anything, just feel your feelings, and remember the facts... he's on the fence, leave him there, just for today...

 

anything you do right now will NOT work, so stay put, protecting your own heart and being silent towards him, just for today, breathe, cry, know that for right now there is NOTHING to do.. when you are feeling these feelings it's best to not be afraid of them and just let your heart feel them, sometimes in life we just have to be "sad" for a bit, don't be afraid of it, feel it, and give it the worthiness of thought, and let go for today... no contact... I know it's difficult but the right thing to do usually is the most difficult. We are all here for you, and remember there is no game playing to be done right now with this guy, just have the self respect to do 'no contact' for today.... his respect towards you starts with your respect towards yourself... You will be okay, I promise.... I've been there, and never thought I'd get through it.. and I did, and I'm better than ever...

 

No man is worth your trying to trick him into staying, or trying to get him to "tell the truth" or trying to get him to do anything, so do for yourself for today... no contact...

[friscodj]

Strike that I know I'm foolish, but I can't help it. Any advice would be so appreciated, please be kind, cause I'm feeling really low.

 

First of all, welcome to ENA Shelly!

 

Sister, we've all been there, at least I have, and I fully plan on being there again at some point down the road too...

 

What you should do is disa-freaking-pear. Make David Copperfield proud. This man does not exist in your life anymore no matter what he says, does, how you feel, etc.

 

The key here is to take the shot quickly and stick to your decision. The rest is entierly up to you and your willpower...

[Setter5]

Hey there, I've been in your shoes. It can be so easy to let emotions get in way of things, but don't let them. Your initial post is well-thought and logical.

 

He obviously Thinks he has control over you. Don't let him. "Hey, maybe down the road, I can offer what this relationship needs." - what?, that's craziness.

 

See, selfish people are usually selfish by nature. They have developed a method to cleverly cover it up. Really, what he is saying is "I want both of you and more...the cake and all."

 

These are conversations that merit a face-to-face conversation. You deserve that much right? You're not just some hook-up or an old flame.

 

So you looked at his email...so what, it's over. And if you really think about, you looked at this stuff for a reason - he's suspect. (Turns out he is)

 

You're not. See by handling this very maturely (which it appears you are because adult behaviors can sometimes hurt when dealing with problems where childish or selfish behaviors don't allow a person to feel things - they justify everything in its place).

 

Ask yourself if this guy Deserves you. The memories, plans, routines -all these things hurt so very badly. You're not causing this...he is.

 

Being rejected, picked over, or simply toyed with is a terrible thing. Lots of folks like to say "The heck with them then," but it's never that easy.

 

Get a plan. Shelly7, the girl with the plan. Put yourself in good environments -friends, new friends, clothes, weekend trip...whatever.

 

You're still going to think about it. I won't lie to you. But you will look back and say "even though it was miserable, I managed to meet some new people, do some things, etc."

 

It's a shock affect that also hurts. Now look back, really look back, and see if this guy is really surpising you. You might have had clues, maybe not. But pull what you can from this for the future (learing).

 

Immerse yourself in your family and friends. Spill it out (for as long as they can take it-ha,ha)...continue to post - don't get addicted though.

 

By being transparent with the ones you love puts you another big stop above him. I think I've dated this person you speak of...but she was five feet with breasts and from the South....but seriously, there are similarities. He won't confess all the crap to his family and friends...but only enough to feel a little bad, and then justify the rest in his head.

 

NC is a good idea. And yes, you will get a drunk-dial or another text somewhere down the road. It's then when you decide how this guy really makes you feel.

 

Does he make you laugh, think, hot, care, etc.?

 

Or does he make you suspicious, hurt, on-edge, etc.?

 

Keep working through this. You're doing great! Remember what you deserve and how you want to be treated and cared for in a relationship.

 

I won't kid you, I still romantisize my most recent break-up sometimes - it can feel okay, but then all of a sudden it hits me, and I feel even better knowing it won't work out. The relationship never had legs!

 

Good luck!

 

Setter

[shelly7]

Frisco, I'm definitely going to disa-freaking-pear. That is something I can definitiely do! Thanks!

Setter, thanks for the honest advice it's much appreciated. He is suspect and I have to forget him.

I can't help but wonder if he'll ever try to get me back. My friends say these text messages are his way of "fishing" to see if I'm still around, (this is still a very fresh break up) that's why I think it's important I ignore them.

[friscodj]

My friends say these text messages are his way of "fishing" to see if I'm still around, (this is still a very fresh break up) that's why I think it's important I ignore them.

 

That's my guess too...and something I've been guilty of doing before myself...

 

And about the wonderment you have about him coming back. I don't see any merit in it beyond an ego boost for you...so really...who cares?

[shelly7]

Frisco you're right it would be an ego boost. An ego boost I could really use. I just miss him so much, and I hope I'm doing the right thing with this nc thing. If I do want him back is this nc thing the right thing? Even if he's contacting me? That's the question I keep asking myself. This sucks.

[friscodj]

Frisco you're right it would be an ego boost. An ego boost I could really use. I just miss him so much, and I hope I'm doing the right thing with this nc thing. If I do want him back is this nc thing the right thing? Even if he's contacting me? That's the question I keep asking myself. This sucks.

 

You're getting off track here Shelly. Refer back to your original post. He's going on a vacation with some other chick. And you want him back so he can string you along and hide things like this from you?

 

You don't want this guy and he doesn't want you. Do whatever you need to do but don't contact him. Stay strong... 0X

[blender]

Shelly, no contact is the RIGHT thing for now... follow your feelings all the way through with the facts... the fact is he's not "ready" for you... so let go for today.. have the self respect to maintain no contact EVEN if he calls, the only time to return a call is if and ONLY if he says "I miss you, I made a mistake, please I want to try again with us". Anything less is just setting yourself up for more heartache...

 

think it through, if you contact him, what will you get from it? How will you feel about yourself afterwards? Is it smart to go to a dry well for water, just because it USE to have some water? No...it will only make you more thirsty for having made the effort.. the ball is in his court.. if he chooses to pick it up and throw it to you PROPERLY AND WITH THE RIGHT INTENTIONS, well then you are back in the game, but if not.. then just sit on the bench for awhile and watch him stumble, learn, grow, and perhaps find his way back to you..

 

You are defining yourself in the right way by choosing "no contact". YOU, a self respecting woman who refused to settle for anything less than a loving, committed, trusting, kind, respecting relationship.

 

By doing "no contact" your message is loud and clear, and it says, "I have self respect and I'm worthy of a man who can state his intentions clearly and love me completely" Whether is going to be him or some other guy, this is how you are going to choose to set standards for yourself from this day forward.. prehaps this pain is a brigde to a better you.

 

Let the "other girl" who might be going on this trip with him, let her be the girl that settles for less, believe me, he will get bored with her and be thinking of YOU, if you have continued "no contact".... because you are the one who is demanding the "effort on his part to step up to the plate" and that is the most attractive quality you can have as a woman.. you are worthy of a great man.. and he will realize that he HAS TO BE ONE in order to get a response from you.....