my wife cheated with her ex husband..

[bashlin]

i really need some advice here from experienced members..i am feeling about as low as a man could..i'm 28 and always have been a strong person until now..here's what happened..i was mowing the lawn friday evening and my wife of 9 years came out and said she wanted to talk..i said ok..we sat on the tailgate of my truck and this is what she told me..about five years ago my ex husband was waiting for me at my car after work..we talked and he asked if i wanted to go to the store and get a drink..so she did..then they road awhile and he stopped on a old road to take a leak..when he got back in the truck they started to kiss and one thing lead to another..they had sex..she said she thinks he wore a condom but she's not sure..??..she said she was sorry and didn't know what she was doing..(i don't believe that part)..about that same time she got pregnat with our child..(now i don't know if it's mine.) and she has never said a word of this until now..she said she thought that she might of had feelings for him..but after that she knew she didn't..i've always knew something wasn't right in our relationship..but i just couldn't put my finger on it..i'm a very pridefull person and this hurts..i want to get a divorce but i don't want to rush..i just don't know if i can ever love her the same..she is very beautiful..but now when i look at her i want to vomit..my stomach hurts along with my heart..can someone please go over this situation and tell me what happened and why..and please give some advice on what to do..

thanks..

[yeawutever]

Oh dea, sorry to hear what you are going through now. At times things are better off unspoken, but if she told you about it, then it means she had enough guilt for ages, still it doesn't excuse it. If you see it cannot work it and want to vomit when you see her, you can get a divorce. But have you try taking a paternity test?? How old is the child??

 

You don't really have to put up with that, you aren't obligated to stay with her.

[bashlin]

we are having a paternity test..the child is 4..like i said she got pregnant the same month this happened..i've already went back and added it up..this happened in march and the child was born in december..she says she wants to work things out..it's just hard for me to believe right now we can..and yes..she says the guilt has been killing her..whats so bad is i have a good job..make lots of money..and her ex is a high school drop out..they got married in her last year of school..stayed togather for about a year..he is also a drug addict and a sleeze..i just wish i knew why..??

[avman]

Uh oh.

 

Well bashlin, you certainly have a lot you are dealing with right now. I understand your urge to rush out and get a divorce but I'd advise you to wait a little while for that. The option to divorce always remains open so there is no need to rush the decision.

 

Everything you are feeling right now is normal. The shock, the revulsion, the anger, and the deep sadness. You have to process what happened. Even though this happened five years ago, to you it just happened yesterday.

 

I cannot tell you why it happened. Your wife might not even be able to tell you why. Five years ago she made a big mistake. What has happened since then? Has the marriage been good otherwise? Has this deep dark secret been the one thing that has been holding back your marriage from being truly great? If so, then now it is out. The healing can begin. And perhaps you two can eventually be stronger than ever together.

 

This is going to take time. Right now it may seem like you'll never get over it. But you need to consider whether it is worth trying. Both of you need to head for some marital counseling because this is something that can really explode out of control.

 

Regarding your child, truthfully I would go ahead and get a DNA test and put the issue to bed once and for all whether the child is yours or not. The child does not need to know you are testing nor the reason why (at least not yet). If you don't test then you will always wonder and always doubt. It will color your relationship with your child forever. At least if you know, then you can make the decision in your heart whether you can love this child as your own. Please remember that to the child, you are daddy. You are all they know. They do not care about biology or what the results of some test show. They love you and look to you to provide comfort and security. Please, I beg you, exercise caution with all of this. The child is innocent no matter what happened in the past.

[bashlin]

thanks..she didn't want me to tell anyone about this..posting on here really made me feel better inside..any and all that want to comment on this i will read your thoughts and listen to every word you have to say..

thanks so much..

[yeawutever]

She can tell you how guilty she's feeling and wanting to work things out, but at the end it's you who made the choice to whether stay with her or preparing for divorce process. If for whatever reason you decide to repair the marriage, then both of you would need couple counseling and you may wnat to buy a book on the betrayed one.

If it comes out it's your child, don't stay with her for the kid's sake, this doesn't work and kids are very perceptive, they can detect very fast when two people aren't getting along.

[theantibarbie23]

I really hope this does not come off as sounding harsh but as a woman, I am really appaulled that she waited five years to tell you that your child may not be yours. Making a man think he is the father of a baby when he may not be is one of the cruellest things a woman can do to a man.

 

If it were me, I would be running in the opposite direction because if she was able to lie to your face for five years about something of this magnitude, who knows what else she is capable of.

 

I hope things work out for you and I am so sorry you had to go through this.

[annie24]

I agree with avman - everything you are feeling is normal for the situation. There is also no need to rush for a divorce, not to worry, the divorce lawyers and divorce courts are not going away anytime soon

 

Take some time to think about the situation. Has she been a good wife otherwise? was this a one time thing? or has this sort of thing happened before. Were you happy with her before you heard this news?

 

And definitely get started on that paternity test. Hopefully the child is yours.

 

we are here to listen and help you!

 

good luck

[DN]

* Does your wife say that she loves you?

 

* What would she have to do to try to convince you that she would not do that again?

 

* Are there any other problems in the marriage recently that would require fixing?

 

* Despite all of this - do you think you still love her or could come to love her again?

 

* If the child is not yours how much would your feelings towards him/her would change?

 

* All of this comes down to the bottom line question: knowing now what you know - would your life be better with her or without her?

[friscodj]

I really hope this does not come off as sounding harsh but as a woman, I am really appaulled that she waited five years to tell you that your child may not be yours. Making a man think he is the father of a baby when he may not be is one of the cruellest things a woman can do to a man.

 

If it were me, I would be running in the opposite direction because if she was able to lie to your face for five years about something of this magnitude, who knows what else she is capable of.

 

I hope things work out for you and I am so sorry you had to go through this.

 

I'm with this line of thinking...

 

You've seen the true character of this woman, mistake or no mistake on her part. And regardless of how things "seem" like they've been going, you mention a nagging feeling something has been wrong. Can you live with that (or this) for the rest of your life with her? Ever be able to look at her the same way again?

 

She might be doing a good job at living her facade and hiding her true character but it is only a matter of time before the truth of this woman's character comes out again.

 

You're justified in whatever course of action you choose dude, short of knocking her off.

[DN]

I'm with this line of thinking...

 

You've seen the true character of this woman, mistake or no mistake on her part. And regardless of how things "seem" like they've been going, you mention a nagging feeling something has been wrong. Can you live with that (or this) for the rest of your life with her? Ever be able to look at her the same way again?

 

She might be doing a good job at living her facade and hiding her true character but it is only a matter of time before the truth of this woman's character comes out again.

 

You're justified in whatever course of action you choose dude, short of knocking her off.

 

I understand where this is coming from - but people do sometimes behave out of character and do things they deeply regret.

 

One thing to bear in mind is that she could have kept this to herself and never told you - but her conscience would not let her.

 

People who have a genuine conscience are not usually entirely past redemption.

[friscodj]

People who have a genuine conscience are not usually entirely past redemption.

 

This is true, as is what you said as well. But the thing that strikes me is that he felt something has been amiss all along. Intuition like this is hard to ignore and shake off.

 

It's up to him whether he can live with this or not. And what kind of life will he have, with himself in this situation if nothing else?

 

If it were me, I could not, and while you make good sense here for sure, I still wouldn't be able to shake the intuition, or if my child was not mine, live that lie as well.

 

This is tough and a very individual circumstance for sure. It ties into the general precipe of holding onto notions that "people will change", which is so common on this site. It also goes along with the "actions speak louder than words" line of thinking too. Tough one to generalize here...

[bashlin]

You're justified in whatever course of action you choose dude, short of knocking her off.

 

now that was the first time i've laughed since friday..and she says she still loves me..and we have had problems for about 2 weeks..mainly her not talking..but her dad died just 3 weeks ago and i assumed that was the problem..which him dying might of got her in a mentality to let out her secret..i don't know..and if the childs not mine..sure it would be different..i'm sure i'll still love it, but their is no way that i wouldn't feel different..

 

would your life be better with her or without her?

 

actually i think it would be better..like i said.., i make alot of money..she likes to spend alot of money..i know i could easilly find another women if we do split up..but like i said my wife is very beautiful..she's pretty much a 10..and it would be hard to find another women that looks as good as she does..but looks are not everything..and i believe what i would miss the most about her is just looking at her..she has never had the best personality but we've gotten along well enough..she went to church this morning and says she is gonna start going..she also planned a meeting with the preacher tues for us to go and talk with him..

[DN]

As far as the money is concerned - you might make a lot but there would be issues like spousal support and child support to consider. Few people are better off financially after a divorce.

[annie24]

ok, this is a strange question, but if she got into a car accident tomorrow and her face became disfigured, would you have less of a desire to stay married?

 

doesn't that say something about the state of your marriage?

[Süsser Tod]

As far as the money is concerned - you might make a lot but there would be issues like spousal support and child support to consider. Few people are better off financially after a divorce.

 

What if the child is not his???

[DN]

What if the child is not his???

Depends where he lives. This is a rapidly changing area of law. Up until recently the child of a married woman was legally the child of her husband - some jurisdictions are changing this as a result of DNA testing not previously available - but only some and even then there is sometimes a time frame in which paternity must be disputed.

[bashlin]

i'm in georgia..please do let me know of any divorce laws any of you may know..it may give me a heads up..but i would hate to not be able to divorce my wife due to a law that would punish me for something she did..isn't america beautiful..

[avman]

You would be able to divorce your wife. The issue becomes whether you would be liable for child support.

 

In many states, there is the notion of the "presumed father". This means that a woman's husband is automatically presumed to be the father of any children she bears in the marriage. There is a limited period of time that the husband has to dispute the paternity of a child that is born. Once that time passes, you're on the hook for child support regardless of what any genetic testing reveals at a later date.

 

I will look at my Georgia law sources to see if I can come up with anything.

[annie24]

i'm in georgia..please do let me know of any divorce laws any of you may know..it may give me a heads up..but i would hate to not be able to divorce my wife due to a law that would punish me for something she did..isn't america beautiful..

 

oh, divorce is always an option here in america. you could divorce her if you just didn't like her nail polish color.

 

"irreconcilable differences"

 

like avman said, the issue would be child support and would you have to pay if he is not your child. i imagine you would not have to pay child support for that kid, espcially not if the child's biological father is still alive and well.

 

of course, you could be the father....

[bashlin]

if i'm the father i have no problem paying the support..i just want it to be a reasonable amount..not one of these horry stories of women haveing to have 500.00 to 1000.00 a week for a small kid to live on..what i thought would really be bad if we have the test and the kid is not mine or her ex-husbands..then we would really have a problem..but right now i don't think i would be in any more shock than i'm in now..

[avman]

i imagine you would not have to pay child support for that kid, espcially not if the child's biological father is still alive and well

 

Unfortunately that is not the case. In the vast majority of states you would indeed have to pay child support even if it is determined you are not the biological father.

 

Luckily Georgia seems to be one of the more progressive states. I found this reference:

Nationally, this issue has picked up great momentum. Ohio and, most recently, Georgia have passed legislation that allows men proven by DNA testing not to be the father of a child to be released from child support payments. Georgia passed paternity legislation with votes overwhelmingly in favor of releasing non-dads from being forced to pay child support. In Georgia, the legislation passed the House 163-0 and the Senate 45-5.

 

I haven't found the actual law yet but it seems there might be some hope if the child isn't yours to not pay child support. But you'll need to check with an attorney to be sure.

[avman]

if i'm the father i have no problem paying the support..i just want it to be a reasonable amount..

 

If you are the father, child support is set by a percentage of your pay. Usually somewhere between 15%-20% for a single child.

 

But all of this is a little premature. Have the test done before jumping to any conclusions.

 

And you just might want to talk to a lawyer to get some advice. You don't have to rush into anything. But it would be good to get familiar with the law.

 

This all assumes that you decide not to try to save the marriage.

[theantibarbie23]

but like i said my wife is very beautiful..she's pretty much a 10..and it would be hard to find another women that looks as good as she does..but looks are not everything..and i believe what i would miss the most about her is just looking at her..she has never had the best personality but we've gotten along well enough..

 

Is your marriage to this woman based on her looks? Believe me when I say, having a trophy wife isn't even close to being as great as having a close, loving relationship with someone you really connect with.

 

Looks change and fade with time. It's important to find someone who's beautiful on the inside too.

[friscodj]

Hey bashlin-

 

I've got a good buddy who just finished up a divorce and the best advice I can give you is...

 

Get a lawyer NOW. Do this before you confront your wife. You tell your lawyer everything and start doing what you need to do. Get an idea of what will happen and what you should and shouldn't say to your wife. Some of that can come back to haunt you later on. You want your ducks in a row ASAP and start rolling with this if it is what you choose.

 

Everything else at this point is speculation. If you have thought this through and want to file for divorce, talking to the lawyer = step 1.