designer71 Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 Hi all, This has been an ongoing drama for me since January. My previous posts talk about it. Sorry if this is so long!!! My ex-bf met someone on-line on one of the gaming websites and kept it a secret from me. He proposed to me and asked me to have his baby about a month and a 1/2 before I happened to look up his profile on the site and saw how he wrote that his relationship status is "taken" by this other woman - who at that point he had never met. And that he loved her. I confronted him, and he was embarrassed that he was caught, but it was all true. So I did NC right away for 2 weeks. He contacted me when we had some flooding around here to see if I was OK. I folded like a deck of cards and contacted him back. This started a week of talking where I offered to help him find a job and to lend him MORE money. I know...i am a * * * * * * *. He was walking all over me. Anyway, I smartened up and sent him an e-mail asking him to never, ever contact me again, that I don't hate him. I wish him luck in his new relationship, and that I hope he moves away and goes to live with her and is happy. I also proceeded to tell him that his new girlfriend should be the one finding him a job and he should be asking her for money, not me. Well, he called me up screaming mad and proceeded to throw every bad thing I ever did to him over the last 2 years in my face. He then told me if I ever called him or e-mailed him again that he would get a restraining order against me. I was so shocked...it's not like I called him more than once every few days, and I never, ever went by his house or places where he'd hang out after I found out about her, I have more self-respect than that! And anyway, I was the one who told him not to contact me anymore! My therapist says she thinks he got so mad and blew up because he thought he was finally in control of the relationship, and I took that control away. He did mention while we were talking for that one week that things weren't so good w/his new girlfriend. Now after all that, Sunday will be 4 weeks NC for me. I am not at all considering breaking NC to actually contact him, but I wouldn't mind googling him or checking his profile on that website again just to see if he's still here or if he's moved to be with her already. I don't know why I want to know....actually, yes I do....and I am embarrassed to admit this, but in my fantasies, he comes back to me groveling for my forgiveness. Do I really want him back? No - I think it's a pride thing. But I do kind of feel that just because you don't contact someone to their knowledge it is still breaking NC if you look stuff up about them on-line b/c it can just fuel the flames. I guess I also just feel so confused as to why he would ever say he was going to get a restraining order on me. Everyone I tell that to is like huh?? I just can't understand his thinking! I guess that really has hurt my pride that he would say that. And I would feel more accomplishment from NC if he didn't think I wasn't not contacting him because of the police! I know he's a user and a loser - and I know I don't want him back - so why am I writing such a long posting? I don't know....most of the time I am good, but some days, I rehash it all in my head. Sorry this was so long!! Link to comment
Serendipity1607307077 Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 Wow, I'm so sorry to hear this... A restraining order sounds quite excessive though... but I do agree with what your therapist said... I think it's best for you to leave it at that, don't let him win... this was all his doing, not yours, and you shouldn't be feeling like it's your fault... Good luck, I hope you find your path... and feel free to PM me if you need to talk it through more... Link to comment
designer71 Posted June 17, 2006 Author Share Posted June 17, 2006 Thanks so much Serendipity..I guess the biggest thing I am struggling with is the restraining order thing....I can't seem to get a grip on why he would ever say something like that?? I am so shocked about it! I've been anything but a stalker - and I asked him for NC....I just don't get it. Link to comment
Serendipity1607307077 Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 Yeah.... he probably did it to make you out to be the bad guy... in fact it's quite likely that he would have told his friends that he dumped you, because that way it would sound like he was at the top of the relationship if you know what I mean? That's just what it sounds like to me... Link to comment
friscodj Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 I am not at all considering breaking NC to actually contact him, but I wouldn't mind googling him or checking his profile on that website again just to see if he's still here or if he's moved to be with her already. Don't do it! Stay away from this stuff. You're far better off not trying to figure him or what happened out and move forward...not backward...or in circles trying to figure out the past or this sketchy dude... You'll go crazy trying to figure out someone or something that is crazy...trust me...been there, done that, got the therapy bill to prove it... Link to comment
designer71 Posted June 17, 2006 Author Share Posted June 17, 2006 Thanks FriscoDj, I like the way you put things! I too, have the therapy bills to prove it - and THANK GOD!! She has been such a help with healing through this mess. I have been doing pretty well - just a set back today I guess. The 4 week itch I guess!! Link to comment
friscodj Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 Thanks FriscoDj, I like the way you put things! I too, have the therapy bills to prove it - and THANK GOD!! She has been such a help with healing through this mess. I have been doing pretty well - just a set back today I guess. The 4 week itch I guess!! I would bet there to be more setbacks...that's been my experience. I think the best way to deal with this stuff is expect there to be setbacks. That way, when there aren't any, then hey, it was a really good day... Yeah, I've gone out before fully expecting to run into my ex. I was prepared for it. Then it didn't happen. This went on for a while until I just got tired of preparing, getting nervous, putting on my "game face", "oh what am I going to say?", "Who will she be with?", "What will she look like?" and just stopped caring...too tired of caring...then you get tired of being tired...then you're officially moved on... Indifference is the promised land here...and you're on your way...just keep going! Link to comment
serenity25 Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 Designer, my one problem has been not reliving the past or dwelling on it by checking his friends websites. They always talk of his latest escapades, getting plastered and having a grand time fully intoxicated... Why don't we help eachother out? haha. I will not allow myself to check any of these sites as long as you don't either. Maybe this can be an extra incentive not to look- a buddy system in a way. Post in this thread when you are tempted to look rather than looking. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 Hey. Stick with what you're doing. You're doing really well. Something struck me about your post. I think in cases like yours where the ex shows an abrupt change of character from what we believe, it can be harder. Especially at first. It hurts, you're trying to figure out why and who is this person I thought I knew?, is this about me?. It definetly is not about you. He was hiding himself and the facts from you. It is totally to be expected that he would try to throw the responsiblity back at you - bc he doesn't want to admit that he is the one who caused all this pain and mess. So, the whole restraining order thing and getting so riled up and mad: smacks of me to him trying to avoid his role in all this. Keep your mind off him as much as you can. There are no answers for you by googling or seeing photos - only refreshed pain and misery and curiosity. tc . You can do it. Link to comment
designer71 Posted June 17, 2006 Author Share Posted June 17, 2006 thank you all - I got through the better part of the nite b/c of your support!! And serenity - you've got yourself a deal!! I will post or PM you anytime I feel like I want to look him up - and you do the same!!! : ) Link to comment
serenity25 Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 thank you all - I got through the better part of the nite b/c of your support!! And serenity - you've got yourself a deal!! I will post or PM you anytime I feel like I want to look him up - and you do the same!!! : ) You got it. Link to comment
.jpg.1626fbc48c04fd9021fd315819807524.thumb.jpg.882936eb5901fa05cf31c75617acde2e.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now