Left Wondering

[Beyondthesea]

You're definitely in my thoughts and prayers Rachel. Good for you! I'm so happy that you are doing your best to keep away from him.

 

Keep it up, because once he realizes you aren't just 'not there' he's going to get persistent, and that's when you have to be especially strong.

 

You can do it girl!

[rachel1256]

RC, nice analogy. I'd rather be the road runner any day.

 

As you all said, I have to be ready and VERY strong when he does come on full force. Right now, he probably thinks that I will give in with time, so he doesn't have to try. Nope, not this time.

 

You all are such a great help. I keep this page on my laptop and look at it each time I start to frown.

[Scout]

Then keep your laptop on you at all times!

[sonjam]

Rachel, I joined your thread late, but better late than never. I'm a survivor of abuse too, and like hope I had a very very hard time getting out. If only I knew then what a great life awaited me, a normal healthy life free of walking on eggshells, trying to please the unpleasable and always trying to fix things I "supposedly" done wrong.

 

I'm so glad you are away from him. Are you in a safe place, did you move all your stuff out, does he know where you are staying?

[Hope75]

Hi Rachel,

 

I just wanted to say how proud I am that you resisted and did not pick up the phone, nor call him back!

 

Well done, indeed.

 

I especially like what one poster said about if you had a friend who treated you this way, and what you would do with that friend. A partner is supposed to be of even higer calibur that a friend and no one who truly loved you would treat you that way.

 

It is probably a GREAT idea to change your numbers, as someone else mentioned, since you might not always be feeling as strong as you do now. That way even when you are weak, he will not be able to get ahold of you. Believe me, he will continue to try- and it's not because he loves you and is sorry- it's because he can't believe he lost control of the situation, and of YOU.

 

It's an ego trip thing.

 

You've got the power now, girlie!

[rachel1256]

Hope, and everyone who suggested it, I do feel that changing my number would be a good idea. I feel really strong for a while, then I have a weak moment and remember the good times... Maybe its not even the good times I think about, but more so the routine I was used to for years. The good morning calls, going to his place after work sometimes, spending the weekend together.......

 

If I can get past "missing" the routine, I think I will be ok. For the first time, and Im not saying Im not sad, but I just feel so much disgust towards him. The whole weekend EVERYTHIN I said or did bothered him, he was constantly making me feel bad, and the good times were NOT worth it. Something in me just clicked and said that if I stay, it will just be this way, or worse given time. The fact that he said he is the boss and I need to be submissive to HIM just made me so sad.

 

Anyways, I have not called him back, and he has not called or anything since that one time I posted yesterday. No message or further attempt to contact me, but Im glad, because if he was calling a lot, it woud be harder.

 

Thank you all for your support!

[kellbell]

"If I can get past "missing" the routine, I think I will be ok."

 

This is *the* hardest part to get past after a relationship ended. It is really hard being out of that comforzone no matter how twisted the circumstances were. That is where the saying "one day at time" has a lot of truth in it.

 

Keep talking to us and letting us know how you are doing.

[rachel1256]

Yes, I think it is to. Who knows if I even miss him, but what we used to do together, and having that significant other around. It hurts, I wont lie. You are right, no matter what the circumstances, it still hurts, but I think that this "missing him" feeling will pass soon once I realize what awaits me, and how no matter what, I did the right thing.

 

Sonjam, I just saw your post, and Im so glad to hear that you got out. Thank God. How are you doing now? I have a feeling that those of us who come out of such abusive relationships, turn out being so happy and free simply due to the fact that we are not being yelled at and put down on a daily basis. I am in a safe place, he knows where I live, but I have friends around me JUST IN CASE he gets crazy.

 

So far, he has maintained his distance, but I have NEVER once ignored him or stayed away from him permanantley. I have always come back, so who knows, given the temper and rage I have seen, if he would get crazy. Maybe he will just move onto the next victim, but I don't know.

 

Thank you for the great, uplifting posts everyone. I will post if anything new happens, or if I feel weak.

[Beyondthesea]

I'm so glad you are trying so hard Rachel. At first, it is really hard, but soon the brainwashing wears off and you really see how things were. Then you really start thinking, "what the heck was I thinking???" That's a whole new can of worms.

 

But overall, you are doing well and keep reminding yourself that you are a good, deserving woman who will find someone who is wonderful and kind. I know I sure did, as did Hope and other posters who were in these situations. Now, I will accept nothing less than a truly wonderful and kind man who loves me for me, period. Any red flags I run for the hills. No 2nd chances in that department!

 

I am so proud of you and what you are accomplishing.

 

HUGS!

[Hope75]

Hey Girl,

 

I just wanted to add my two cents in here and give you a pat on the back for your first 24 hours away from him- well done!

 

You are so right about the routine, and that 'comfort zone' that kellbell mentioned. It's very tough to change your life and routine when you were used to doing things a certain way for so long, but it can be done.

 

When I left my abusive ex, it was after a 5 year live in relationship. I lost my home, my fiance, all my routines, and had to go and live with my parents. It was quite an adjustment! BUT.... after that adjustment period I got used to the new routine, and about just thinking of ME and what I wanted for a change.... that part was so nice!

 

You are doing great--keep it up!

 

Have you thought more about changing your numbers?

[rachel1256]

Hope, I'm so happy to hear that.

Im feeling a little down, but Im keeping my head up, and not calling. He hasn't made any contact with me....

I have seriously thought about changing my number. I just need to take that last step.

If you can do it Hope, as well as others who have shared their experience, I sure can. I didn't live with him, and I live far enough away that I will never run into him.

 

He has left me alone (so far) and its been pretty easy to move on. I miss him, but how can i miss being called a child, hung up on, and humiliated day after day. Im feeling so good about my decision, but I won't lie, I do think about him a lot.

[kellbell]

Hi Rach!

 

It is okay that you think of him...no lying is necessary. Hang in there chica. Keep up the good work, just remember, we are right behind you every step of the way.

[rachel1256]

Thank you! You all have been a super support system

Im doing well overall. Each day without him the days look brighter. =)

[Beyondthesea]

Each day without him the days look brighter. =)

 

Yes, and trust me that it continues to get brighter. Soon it's such a 'shock' to think about what you have endured, and that's ok. Just focus right now on keeping away from him 100%. No phone calls, emails, texts, nothing. If he shows up at your house, do NOT let him in. That was something ridiculous for me, my ex was always showing up at my place wanting to come in and 'talk.' Forget it!

 

You are doing so well Rachel, good for you I know the empowerment you are feeling right now, and it gets even better

[Hope75]

Rachel,

 

Even when you know it's the right decision, it's still a grieving process for the loss of the relationship and an adjustment to learn a new life without him. Just focus on the positive, just like you are doing.

 

I remember one of the very best novelties of my new life without my ex was taking a hot bath for an hour with celebrity gossip magazines and nobody banging on the door bugging me for money or a ride somewhere. It was heaven. It's those little things, ya know?

 

Keep it up! And get that number changed- it's important.

[Beyondthesea]

My new freedom included going shopping and buying what I wanted without going home and having someone tell me I shouldn't have bought that. It also included eating what I want, being who I want, and living the way I want.

 

Ah, sweet freedom!

[sonjam]

My new life included a new wardrobe, I could finally wear what I want, without anybody giving me and icy stare, and a frown. That would be followed with verbal abuse as soon as we were alone. I now have the freedom to talk whith whoever I want, and to have my opinions respected, even if people sometimes disagree, see I'm a grownup and a person in my own right.

 

But it still hurt like hell to let go. But the only things you are really letting go is your DREAM of having a good relationship, like in the beginning with this man. He is not who you thought he was, he will never be only that man. The horrible side of him will always be there, and get stronger and stronger every day, until that is all you will ever see.

 

The time is now for you.