aaahhh!...had to vent.

[joyce1412]

i got bad news from a friend tonight. my ex had some things of mine that i had reminded him to give me a few weeks ago, but i knew he was busy so i wasn't pushy. i thought it would be a good way for us to be in contact again...we have only had necessary email communication since the breakup, and i thought this would be a good opportunity for pleasant in-person contact that might have him thinking positively or even lovingly of me again (we have not seen each other since even before the breakup--happened on the phone.)

 

wrong. apparently, in front of a group of several people who know me, he gave my things to a friend of his to give to one of MY friends so that she could give it to me. he did this all without asking me or even NOTIFYING me to tell me what he was doing.

 

i'm pissed, and sad. i have been nothing but nice since the breakup, which he called for two months ago after a year and a half of being together. (he travels for work, is gone constantly, and that and the problems surrounding that were basically the reasons for us ending, plus a little of the standard relationship problems you run into.) it's like pulling teeth to even get him to respond to my emails, which have only been polite ones about my things, not even relationship talk! and his responses are very cold, very "yeah yeah, okay" kind of responses.

 

i just don't understand WHY he is being such a jerk...the breakup was not about anything offensive or wrong i had done, he acknowledges that he was the one who had a problem with the distance, et cetera. and i can't believe he embarrassed me like that, in front of people we know. my friend and i have gone over the possibilities of why he is acting like this--perhaps he has heard i've been dating a couple guys, and i also wondered if previously asking him to give an item of mine that i immediately needed to a friend instead of meeting in person hurt his feelings--but truthfully, he has NO REASON to be acting like this. he hurt ME! he dumped ME! i have only done what is necessary to aid my healing.

 

he has no consideration for my feelings whatsoever, and that hurts, because i believe the dumper has the ability to sort of soften the blow for the dumpee by being a classy person post-breakup. he just doesn't care. and he said some VERY hurtful things in our last conversation, was really heartless...i had really hoped that he would think about what he'd said and try to shape up after that. after all, i'm out the door, after he confirmed that he indeed wanted to break up with me i took it well, have not called, have completely left him alone. so WHY am i being treated like a nuisance? hasn't he gotten his meanness out yet?

 

well, kudos to you if you actually read this. i'm just angry right now, and sad, because i hoped my ex would be a better person...because i loved him then, i loved him now, and wanted to get back with him and continue to love him.

[joyce1412]

oh, and on that note: is it common for the dumper to back off or get angry/bitter if he hears the dumpee is dating when he is not? i figured it would have the opposite effect...like, if anything, the dumper MIGHT re-think the breakup or get a little jealous. thanks.

[Goodfun88]

Sounds like he's over you. I don't think he's trying to play games or is mad. I think he is taking the steps to heal and get over the relationship. It should be easier for you to move on because at least he isn't giving you false hope. It's obvious he's moved on, now its time for you to move on. You can't make someone love you or want to be with you, so its best to leave this guy alone and find someone who wants to be with you.

[kellbell]

Hi Joyce,

 

I am sorry about your breakup. Like Goodfun88 pointed out, it appears that he is over you. I know that really hurts to know but his behavior shows it. Also, it seems like he is covering his bases so no unforeseen "game playing" can be done. Such as the situation of getting your things back. I am not saying you would have but in his mind, perhaps he assumed you would or use that opportunity to try to get him back and did not want to be confronted with anything. He made sure he was calling all the shots the whole time. It stinks, I know.

 

Now you know where you definitely stand with him and what he is capable of doing, there should be no doubt in your mind on what to do next. NC all the way. I am sorry things were far from amicable. Hang in there and I truly hope that you will feel better soon.

[rnorth]

joyce,

 

I am sorry about your ex's decision but let me ask you something; do his actions make it easier for you to move on? This may ultimately be the right thing to do and actually less cruel than if he had met you and was sweet, etc. thus prolonging the period during which you aren't going out and opening yourself to new opportunities.

 

Try and be okay with this. Let him go with love and look ahead to new and beautiful things in your life. And sometimes, when you least expect, they do come back....

[babypink61]

I don't think he's trying to hurt your feelings, I think it might just be less painful to not see you in person, just like everyone else said, he's probably trying to move on as well, and seeing you in person might just make it a bit difficult. It also seems like you're trying to move on with your life (you mentioned you've been dating other people) and you don't want him to do the same.

[iceman85]

This is a tough one, I think he is trying to get over the pain of breaking up, and by not seeing you it makes that so much easier. It sounds like your still really into him. Try to get him out of your mind even if you care for him so much. This will allow you to heal and be able to be stronger. If its meant to be in the future it will be, but know that for right now nothing will happen, if anything were to in the future it would unfourtanatley be a long time down the road.

[joyce1412]

i can understand why you would all come to the conclusion that he's moving on...that hurts!

 

anyone have any ideas as to why he has been a jerk to me? i just don't understand why he's acting like this when i've asked for so little, and given him all the space he needs.

[joyce1412]

and to answer what babypink said: i've been TRYING to move on, although the dating didn't work out as well as i'd hoped and moving on is proving very difficult. i'm just trying to deal with a crappy situation as best i can by not letting it keep me from meeting people. obviously, if given the chance, i would want to try it again with my ex, which is why it hurts to hear that HE is moving on, as you said. i certainly wouldn't be dating it up if the person i loved wanted to be with me!

[kellbell]

Joyce,

 

In many cases, moving on does not entail dating others or trying to fill a void. Moving on is realizing the situation for what it is, that things in life do not always work out like we hope, and detaching yourself from the situation and your ex to the point where you will have no feelings at all about it. This healing time varies among people. But definitely take time for yourself and treat yourself right. Hang in there, things will get better...I promise.

 

As far as him acting like a jerk, well, it is hard to say but my feeling is that he wants to call the shots and that he has detached himself from the situation. I know it hurts but usually when someone acts cold and uncaring means he/she has no attachment towards the person or situation. I am so sorry you are having a tough time.

 

(((hugs)))

[madppiper]

Wanna hear my humble opinion? You seriously got to get that guy out of your mind. Take it this way: From what I've read so far, the best chance (if there is any) of getting him back is by not contacting him ever again...

 

keep on dating other people once you fully feel like it. Meanwhile: listen to cheerful songs, catch up with old friends... stay out of town for a weekend

[joyce1412]

thanks for those replies.

 

the good news: i'm certainly not thinking lovingly of him right now. but now i feel as if i SHOULD say something to him. i won't take any immediate action, i'll wait a week or two before saying something, but i feel disrespected. not only did he do this embarrassing thing in front of people we know, but a couple weeks back he also sent a mass text message invitation to my best friend, who lives in san francisco, asking her to come to his san fran show (he's a musician), even offering to put her on the list. needless to say, i have not been invited to shows. he seriously needs to leave my friends alone!! this is not even a hurt issue so much as a disrespect issue. do i have the right, and would it be wise, to contact him and say, "hey, i feel like you're disrespecting me, please leave my friends out of this."

 

???

 

you know, this is someone i poured a year and a half of my life into. i lost my virginity to him, i loved and trusted him completely. i thought he was a great guy, one of the kindest people i had ever met, and now he's doing this. he's pulled a complete 180. don't i at least deserve basic human decency and respect?

[Cute Band Rat]

You can tell him to stop contacting your friends but thAt doesn't mean he will. Truthfully he has a right to be friends with whoever he wants. Persoanlly I think it's your FRIENDS obligation to YOU as your friend to turn down his invites and to be loyal to you. You cannot tell them what to do either. Unfortunately when a relationship ends, sometimes friendships are divided. You also learn who your friends REALLY are.

[joyce1412]

agreed. the invitation to my friend was particularly rude only because she is MY (best) friend, not his. there's definitely no gray area on that. we've known each other since fifth grade, neighbors since then. they've only seen each other in person twice. so that was WAY uncalled for. i would NOT be calling up his best friend to come to my parties or something...no way!

[lvlyldy]

Hi Joyce,

 

Im really sorry to hear how your ex is acting. My ex also acted in a similar fashion when we were in contact. We broke up 3 months ago now, but for the first 2 1/2 months we were living accross from eachother in the dorms and had a class together. At times he was sweet, would stop by and say hi to me... would walk me out of class, or go with me to get food. Other times, he was rude, cold and distant... getting angry with me for no reason and seeming annoyed whenever I went over just to say "hi". I would try to be polite and nice (I still love him and want him back), but he didnt want to deal wtih me. A few times over the course of those two months, he would have moments where one second he's being really cold and distant and the next he's blubbering like a baby to me about how much he misses me, how alone he is and how sad he is.

 

I think it may be a similar thing wtih your ex. My ex told me that breaking up has been really hard on him, but its just easier for him to forget me and what we had instead of trying to deal with it then. Our relationship ended for several reasons, I think mostly because we were both under a lot of stress (in our own ways) and we werent able to communicate anymore. I loved him a lot and I offered him everythng to work it out, and at those times when he'd cry I knew he loved me a lot too. I think breaking up isnt easy on anyone, and so maybe this is your exs way of dealing with it.

 

I think back to how I tried to get over my ex.. removing everything of his from my room and taking back all my things. My exs way was just cutting contact, and remaining distant. We're all just trying to deal,but save yourself some heartache and just go NC. Its the only way when someone behaves like that. I love my ex more than anything and I want him back, but no matter what you do it will be construed agaisnt you. Even if you want to be friends (something I initially wanted, but dont anymore) it wont happen now. Leave him alone, let him come to you. I realized, if im trying so hard and he isnt I dont want, need or deserve a person like that in my life. If he really loved me hte way he said he did (also my first love, first everything) then he will find his way back to me IF and WHEN he is ready... not sooner or later. All you are doing is pushing him away from you. Give him that chance to miss you, and if there really is anything there in him, you will see it with time (whether it is a friendship or more you want with him)

 

Just let him be, and let time start to heal you. Even if you got back together (if that is what you want...), you want to make sure that you dont carry this experience (the anger, the hurt) into it. Forgive him, forgive yourself... and try to move on. That doesnt necessarily mean dating other people, just be okay with being alone. If he really wants you back or in his life, he will do whatever it takes (wouldnt you?) and come back on his own.

 

I hope this helps, goodluck with your situation

[joyce1412]

I think back to how I tried to get over my ex.. removing everything of his from my room and taking back all my things. My exs way was just cutting contact, and remaining distant. We're all just trying to deal,but save yourself some heartache and just go NC. Its the only way when someone behaves like that. I love my ex more than anything and I want him back, but no matter what you do it will be construed agaisnt you. Even if you want to be friends (something I initially wanted, but dont anymore) it wont happen now. Leave him alone, let him come to you. I realized, if im trying so hard and he isnt I dont want, need or deserve a person like that in my life. If he really loved me hte way he said he did (also my first love, first everything) then he will find his way back to me IF and WHEN he is ready... not sooner or later. All you are doing is pushing him away from you. Give him that chance to miss you, and if there really is anything there in him, you will see it with time (whether it is a friendship or more you want with him)

 

lvlyldy, that was very helpful. thank you.

 

you are certainly right that i should maintain NC. i agree. i would only break NC, if i was going to do it, to address this situation, as he's only deepening my pain by doing these things. i want him to put a stop to the careless disrespect and involving parties that should be uninvolved. it doesn't help that some of the people who were there when he so publicly handed over my things were people who were sort of jealous of me when i was in the relationship with my ex--their friend liked my guy so they were sort of prejudiced against me from the start. so that was a real dig at my pride knowing that he was like, "hey, everyone, here are the things belonging to that chick i dumped!" (not that he really said that, haha.) that detail in particular makes me feel very impotent...even though it doesn't matter anymore. argh. i just still feel rather humiliated by the whole thing.

 

but about contacting him over this...i am so torn about what to do. because everyone says that you need to quit acting like a doormat--am i acting like a doormat if he is actively doing rude things and i say nothing? or am i going to look best if i just let it roll off my back and let it go? i just want to keep my head held high. it's hard for me, because i NEVER shut up when i feel as if someone has done something unfair to me. i always address the situation, because fairness is something i really value.

 

for the record, if i were to contact him, it would be like, "thank you for remembering about my things. i will say that i would appreciate you leaving other people out of our situation. handing my things down through people we know and inviting my friends (namely tara) to your shows are things i find to be disrespectful." or some variation of that that sounds even less confrontational, if possible...i would just want to say that i heard about those actions and want him to act respectfully toward me.

[jenny_mcs]

joyce1412-

 

My advice to you is to ignore your ex! I know this will be hard, I have a hard time keeping quiet when I feel someone is being unfair or disrespectful, but in this case, I think *any* reaction, no matter how well thought out, is giving him just what he wants- the satisfaction of knowing that he is getting under your skin.

 

Believe me, you do not look like a doormat if you ignore his childish and disrespectful behavior. You look like the bigger, more mature person.

 

Don't feel humiliated- he is the one that looks not only childish and silly, but he looks like the one who cannot let things go. Inviting your best g/f (that he barely knows) to one of his events? What.ever.

 

Just keep your cool, vent to your g/f's, post here, and don't give him the satisfaction.

[joyce1412]

hahaha. thanks for that jenny, that made me laugh. yeah...it's not only that he's being a jerk, he's being a CONFUSING jerk! inviting my best girlfriend to his shows? creating a chain of people through which to return my things? HUH? what? i wish i had a crystal ball to figure out why he's being so lame and weird, but i don't. i hope he figures out soon what a ginormous tool he's being.