Need advice

[scottrol882]

I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years four months ago. I realized that I made a big mistake and that she is the woman that I want to spend my life with....I guess you could say that I had an 'epiphany'. I went to talk to her about three weeks ago to tell her about my feelings for her, about how I now realize that I made a BIG mistake and that I want to spend my life with her, that I want to marry her, etc. She started to cry and told me that she had met someone else about two months prior. She told me that she loves me very much, but I broke her heart and can't risk it again, especially since she met this new guy that she feels is 'safe'. She says that he won't break her heart. She said that she doesn't love this new guy, not yet at least, but is going to stay with him for now to see how things go. She said that she is not willing to risk what she feels is a 'sure' and 'safe' thing for someone that broke her heart, even though she loves me very much. I've told her over and over again that I realize that I made a BIG mistake and that I would NEVER do anything to ever hurt her again. That she means the world to me and that I would never leave her again. She said again that she just can't risk it. She said that if I had come to her before she had met this new guy that she definitely would have got back together with me (even though I broke her heart) because she loves me so much. She also said that if things don't work out with this new guy that she would 'hunt me down' if she needed to, even if I've met someone new at that point, and try again with me..........because she loves me so much. We have spoken many times about this situation over the past two weeks or so, and each time she balls her eyes out....we both do actually. So my question to the forum is this: Does this make any sense to those of you out there? I understand that she doesn't want to get her heart broken again, but if she loves me so much how is it that she can continue in this new relationship with someone that she doesn't love, and walk away from someone that she loves, from someone that she knows loves her? And if you were me what would you do?

[annie24]

welcome to eNotalone.

 

why did you break up with her in the first place?

[annie24]

but if she loves me so much how is it that she can continue in this new relationship with someone that she doesn't love, and walk away from someone that she loves, from someone that she knows loves her?

 

if you love her so much, why did you break up with her?

[scottrol882]

We were talking about getting married........I guess I got 'cold feet'.

[annie24]

elaborate....

 

what did you tell her exactly? how did you guys break up?

[chai714]

When someone who loves you rejects you, it causes what I call "irreversible damage." It's similar to an oil spill that injures animals - those animals will never be the same again. Our views about life and how we feel about ourselves are determined by our experiences. It seems that she fears heartbreak again from you so as a self-protection mechanism, she's closing down her mind to the idea of being with you again. This is actually common and all makes sense how she feels.

 

If I were you, I'd quit pressuring her. I would call her, have pleasant, light-hearted phone calls. She already knows how you feel. Now, it's up to how you make her feel. You already know that you need to make her feel safe and secure with you. So, from here on out your communication with her needs to let her know that you will appreciate her. Good luck.

[mystik]

Have you ever had your heart broken to a million pieces? I am asking because only then could you really understand the fear and insecurity she would feel about getting back together with you. After the pain of being dumped by my ex, I knew I would never be able to get back with him, no matter how much I loved him. The security of it is all gone. It's hard to believe that that same person won't ever do it to you again, because you know they are certainly capable of it. With the new guy, she may not love him but every time she looks at him, she won't be thinking of that time that he broke her heart...you know? I understand that you can be sincere about your intentions, but she is just safeguarding her heart... I mean, you must have told her you loved her, you would never leave her, etc, etc, all that stuff before....yet you broke up with her. It all became a lie to her I guess is what I'm trying to say...and now even if you are telling the truth, it's hard to believe.

 

This isn't really advice as I don't know what you should do, but, just insight as to what she is thinking.

[scottrol882]

That's the thing. I told her that I needed to step back from the relationship to figure out what it meant to me. She said she thought that I had moved on, that I just didn't have the nerve to tell her, so she moved on. She said that I broke her heart by leaving and she met someone else thinking I wasn't coming back. I really would like to think that this is just a 'rebound' relationship and that it won't last, but you never know ....... that's what I am worried about.

[annie24]

I don't understand - in your first post you said you broke up with her, but then you said you "stepped back."

 

I'm just trying to understand your situation better. how did the conversation come up, about you wanting some space? did you still call her, talk to her? or did you stop having contact with her?

[mystik]

That's the thing. I told her that I needed to step back from the relationship to figure out what it meant to me.

 

I would want someone who never had to step back to see what our relationship meant to him. I would want someone who knew that he loved me unconditionally and would never break my heart, no matter how hard things get.

 

I am not sure if that kind of love exists, but I would rather move on trying to find it, then be with someone who I knew didn't feel that way.

 

Maybe that's what she thinks too.

[scottrol882]

Thanks Chai714. So are you saying that you think I should maintain contact with her, and just act like a good friend, no pressure as to a relationship? It's very painful to see her with someone else, and my presense is causing problems between the two of them.

[scottrol882]

The conversation came up because she knew something was wrong. She could just sense it. We had contact, it was just limited sometimes. We talked on the phone, sms, and actually spent time together during this time. But each time we spent time together she would get really upset each time I left. As a result I felt bad and thought it best if we had limited contact. We still talked and got together, it was just not as often as in the beginning.

[friscodj]

These posts are freaking RIGHT ON... 0X

 

I would also like to add this...

 

I have been in a situation very similar to yours. Do you think your actions spoke a deeper truth about the situation? "Actions speak louder than words"...this is so true in relationships. Your action of breaking up with her was probably based on some reason that has more merit than you realize...and instead of trying to figure out what that reason is...just believe such a reason exists. People often think they "made a mistake" in this regard but I think otherwise...

[annie24]

i have to agree with chai, I think stepping back the pressure at this point would be a good idea.

 

I think it would be good to do some more soul-searching.

 

why did you feel the need to step away? what was going through your mind at the time? what were your concerns about the relationship? just cold feet, or was it something more serious?

 

and what made you want her back?

[scottrol882]

Have you ever had your heart broken to a million pieces?

 

 

 

yes, I have. And if I really loved the person, and thought they were sincere I would give them a second chance. (as long as there was no infidelity involved, which there wasn't in this case.) I would be VERY guarded, but I would give them a second chance.

[friscodj]

I would be VERY guarded, but I would give them a second chance.

 

Isn't the "being VERY guarded" part tainting a fair shake at a second chance...

[annie24]

Your action of breaking up with her was probably based on some reason that has more merit than you realize...

 

i agree with frisco...

 

it's not like you were totally perfectly happy and in love for 3 years, and then just decided to step back? something must have happened that made you doubt your feelings for her. what happened? what led up to the break?

[scottrol882]

I mean, you must have told her you loved her, you would never leave her, etc

 

 

 

Yes, I told her that I loved her many times, but I never told her that I would never leave her because leaving her never occurred to me.......so why say it?

[mystik]

Yes, I told her that I loved her many times, but I never told her that I would never leave her because leaving her never occurred to me.......so why say it?

 

No that's not what I meant. You didn't have to actually SAY "I'll never leave you" but that would be implied by telling her you loved her, among other things. I'm sure she never thought, "he has never told me he would never leave me...thereforeeee I should be prepared for that to happen." that's just what I meant.

[chai714]

Thanks Chai714. So are you saying that you think I should maintain contact with her, and just act like a good friend, no pressure as to a relationship? It's very painful to see her with someone else, and my presense is causing problems between the two of them.

 

Of course it's painful for you to see the woman you love with someone else.

 

I can't really give you sympathy though - you chose this.

 

From here - no pressure, no asking for a relationship. Validate her feelings when she tells you how she feels, and most importantly listen. It's all psychological baby steps from here. Over a period of time, you build her psychological comfort level up. If she doesn't want to talk to you for a period of time, respect that and step back. Good luck.

[scottrol882]

So do you think I should maintain

contact with her, and just act like a good friend, no pressure as to a

relationship? It's very painful to see her with someone else, and my

presense is causing problems between the two of them.

[annie24]

Hmmm..... I still feel like a very huge part of this story is missing. Something isn't adding up.....

 

Like frisco and I asked, what led you to want space from her in the first place?

[scottrol882]

Hmmm..... I still feel like a very huge part of this story is missing. Something isn't adding up.....

 

Like frisco and I asked, what led you to want space from her in the first place?

 

 

I guess I was afraid to marry her. I've been in a few serious relationships before and ended up getting really hurt. I've never been in a relationship where I loved the person so much, and I guess that maybe I was afraid that she would end up hurting me? I don't really know.

[annie24]

well, let's talk about this some more. why did you think she would hurt you? did she previously cheat on you, flirt with your older brother, was secretive about where she was?

 

did you work through the issues from your previous relationships?

 

what are the things that you love about this woman so much?

[scottrol882]

well, let's talk about this some more. why did you think she would hurt you? did she previously cheat on you, flirt with your older brother, was secretive about where she was?

 

 

I guess because I've always ended up getting hurt in the past. No, she never cheated on me, nor would she have. Not a flirt, not secretive.