Is it best to see your ex on a break or avoid them?

[Marco9i]

Hello all,

 

After 4.5 years of dating with serious future planning (moving in, marriage, growing old and toothless together), my ex decides that we need a break to discover herself.

I am shattered, head to toe.

She told me at the onset of our break that she wants us to get back together, but with no idea when she'll be ready. I am so used to holding her, kissing her soft lips and sharing words of love. Now when I see her, all the memories rush into my head; tears start falling off my face and the nose starts running. My love is not wanted (trust me, it was good quality love I was giving), and it's killing me.

So my question to all is: should I keep seeing her casually, allowing myself to grow accustomed to our new situation, or should I completely cut her off to avoid the pain? Is no contact really the best course of action for healing?

 

Thanks to all,

Marco

[hpsowce]

Hi, Firstly let me sympathise, I've had a similar experience but without the "wanting to get back together eventually bit". All I wanted to say is NC is indeed the least painful method, it certainly was to me. If she needs time and space to find herself then I think she'll only be able to do that with NC, if she truly loves you and sees a future for you both then she'll come right back eventually, if after a period of NC she doesn't then... I know this is hard to hear but you probably didn't have much of a future together anyway. The benefit of NC is that you find the strength within yourself to live without her, with the distance and time you will be able to look back at the relationship free of those fierce and blinding feelings you'll no doubt have right now.

 

NC is tough, but it gets better, it feels like hell at times but each day your getting stronger and trust me, if you go on having contact then everytime she tells you she isn't ready to commit and move forward will hurt far more and far longer than is healthy for you.

 

There are some good posts on here about the benefits of NC, not only for increasing the prospects of you two getting back together but also for preparing you for the worst. Let me know if you want me to link to them, I'll have a dig around.

 

Anyway, good luck and remember to do what's right for you.

[Marco9i]

Thank you for your sympathy. It really means a lot to me at times like this.

The one thing about NC is that I fear getting back together will be impossible: I fear that we will grow accustomed to being apart - no friendship, no contact, nothing - and that any chance at a loving, intimate relationship will be void. Does this make sense, or am I just driving myself nuts?

 

Thanks,

Marco

[flyinghigh]

hi..i just wanted to tell you from experience that if you contact her..your making your chances of getting back together slim..and she needs to miss you...she can only find this out without NC....my boyfriend broke-up with me about a month ago and now i feel like such a loser..because i contacted him too much..15 times..ugg!! thinking that he would see things and come to his senses..well i lost my senses!! that was stupid of me and now i'm really embrassed about the whole thing...one day i would tell him i loved him..the next day i would tell him to take a hike..etc...don't make the same mistake i did...just try to stay strong and calm

[hpsowce]

This is a good post about NC, have a read but only you can decide what's right for you.

 

 

[heloladies21]

I fear that we will grow accustomed to being apart - no friendship, no contact, nothing - and that any chance at a loving, intimate relationship will be void.

 

What you should really fear is her growing accustomed to having you in the background giving her emotional support as a "friend" while she's waiting to find a guy who wouldn't agree to such a deal. If you agree to being her friend right now, she's going to think "he'll accept being my friend, so he must not really care about me" "he won't stick up for what he really wants".

 

Let her know where you stand, that you only want to work at a real relationship and nothing less will do. If she doesn't agree, then cut contact. Move on for the moment and start talking to other girls. If she reconsiders, she'll let you know.

[searching1951]

NC is your only hope. True, it may end. She wouldn't be distancing from you if she wasn't willing to take that risk.

If you don't do NC you will annoy her and she'll really dump you. If you do NC, and I mean total NC (no stalking in any form)

she will start to reappraise you poitively. Make it difficult for her to contact you. She really wants to respect and admire you again, and now she has developed contempt. Go NC as though you went to sea on a whaling ship after Moby * * * *. NC Nc NC..the only hope for you my friend.

[Pebek]

marco9i - I certainly can relate to your situation. My gf of 4.5 years left me over 2 years ago saying she needed time and all that bullc...p about not knowing who she was, etc. Instead of your "getting back together and not knowing when she'll be ready" part, she gave me the "it may be the worst decision I've ever made in my life" line. With all due respect, both these lines mean the same to me - it's a breakup not a break. NC is the only way to go, mate. It hurts like hell but you've got to have some respect for yourself. Of course it has to be 100% NC. It is a very long ride, indeed. It's been over 2 years for me and I can't see the end of the tunnel yet. I guess it's different for everybody.

 

Hang on tough,

Pete

[JohnnyTable]

I sympathize with you. Been there myself and it sucks.

 

She is simply too weak to break up with you. She wants to see what is out there while keeping you on a string just in case she can't find what she wants.

 

Is this okay with you? Let me ask you something. Say you met a girl that you really liked. She was beautiful, fun, and really seemed to like you. On her second date she says, "I really like you, but I'm not sure about you yet. I would like to date around with other people for awhile and figure out what I want. In the meantime, I would appreciate it if you would hold onto me emotionally and be there for me if I decide to come back. Please sign here."

 

You would say * * * and kick her to the curb. You should do the same thing now. The fact that you went out together for X amount of years does not matter. What matters is YOUR future.

 

You are probably affraid to kick this girl to the curb because you think that you will "lose her" or that she will "go away". Let me tell you, you already have lost her and she has already left. She is just too much of a coward to commit to it.

 

Every millisecond that you spend around this person is a millisecond that you could be with yourself healing or somebody else enjoying life. Those milliseconds add up

 

You will also not become accustomed to the situation. It will simply suck for you while she gets what she wants. I've tried. It is impossible given that you love her and want to be with her.

 

So in summary, cut or off and erase her from your life (remove anything that reminds you of her from your presense). Don't take it lightly. Go hard core. Some stupid toothbrush that she gave you? Trash. Picture? Box it. Candle that is her favorite scent? Trash. Clothes that she bought you? Donate them.

 

Does her number have a specific ring tone on your phone? Great, give that ringtone to ALL of your numbers. Now that ring isn't special anymore. It will remind you of her, but eventually it will mean nothing.

 

Then go through the things that you can't remove, such as restaurants or events that you two shared. Don't avoid these. Go to them with other people. Do the things that you did with her, only with new people. This will replace those memories with new ones. The old ones will be there, but they will fade in importance. This is key.

 

I wish you luck. Your situation is incredibly difficult, but you can do it once you decide to actually act and get it done.

[jchan]

I'm very sorry to hear what's happening to you. A lot of us have personally experienced that "break" before the "break up". Here's some words for ya.

 

You don't need to take that bull, drop it while it's hot. Trust me, if she feels that she needs to "discover" her self (translation, discover new people) then you should do the same. Nobody's worth your time if they need to "discover" new people. I've dealt with that, lots of people on this board had to deal with that. Even a good professor buddy of mine had a wife who told him the exact same thing after being married for over 30 years. They never got back together. Just head for the hills man and don't look back!

 

If you must persist, then, NC all the way, at the same time, go out there and meet some people. Give them the gift of missing you. But at the same time, go meet new people and heal. Make yourself a better person. It's their loss.

 

Stay strong buddy

[faith30]

I agree with jchan 100%

[Marco9i]

Problem is it's so hard for me to accept the fact that she is using this "break" to ease into a full blown "break-up." She has always been direct and blunt (a little too blunt at times). Or has she? Have I been blind the whole time?

I just can't believe that 4.5 years of love and commitment can be flushed away so readily. The words shared... did they mean anything? How can one speak such promising and committed words without merit? A monster, that's who. Was there ever merit?

Evidently her credibility is almost completely destroyed. She says that she is using this break as a means to make herself stronger so that our relationship will be stronger upon reinstatement. But if she broke her past promises (the whole "we'll be together forever" bullsh!t), why should I believe that this promise will be held?

Baby... you really messed me up this time.

[bobo85]

What exactly is a break? It's a half * * * way to break up with someone. They have one foot out the door but just in case things don't look greener on the other side, they have you to fall back on. I was a victim of this thing called "a break". I thought she needed to find herself to and become independent. But little did i know, she wanted to get to know another guy and make sure they would work out before she ended things with me completely.

 

Now don't get me wrong, there are some special circumstances where "a break" can help a relationship, but both of you should know the rules and regulations during this break. Otherwise its just a breakup.

 

So to answer your question...i would avoid them, start moving on and if they do come back, it will probably be only for a short period of time until she thinks she is getting a better deal. Trust me, she won't respect you until you put your foot down. Tell her either she is with you or not with you. No half a$$ing "breaks" unless her mom died or something like that.

[Suzanne1281]

Wow that sounds like my situation! I definitely agree with having no contact at all. I did little contact when that happened and my boyfriend (now my ex, which is a good thing) totally totally took advantage of the fact that I was there when he felt like it and knew that I would always be like that. IT was so painful and I made a j---a-- out of myself. Please do no contact...I guess tell her "You know I love you, you know how I feel about you...but if you need to figure yourself out you need to do that on your own and have no contact with me while you're doing that"...or something to that tune. Then she will really figure out what she wants. If she comes back to you after that...and then wants a break again, you want to get away. From my experience I can tell you that if that goes on for a while and then you do finally break up you are going to regret SO much. Everyone told me that would happen and I just couldn't get it through my head and now that I do I regret everything and wish I had been stronger.

[andrew05151]

Amen! I know exactly what you're saying. For me, it was only 2 years of love and commitment...but we also talked about the future. Talked about "forever and ever" and she promised me multiple times "I love you, forever and ever...no matter what." And then, after she goes on this stupid trip to NYC with her class one weekend...with her ex-ex-bf...she comes back and tells me she has feelings for him, she's "confused" and she needs a "break" to figure things out.

 

Now, I feel exactly like you do. What a monster. How can you lie about feelings like that? I thought she said forever over and over again.

 

I fought her for one week, denied her a "break." Told her I'd always given in to what she wanted, always came to see her when she wanted me to...and now it's my turn. I told her there will be no break, and I will come see her every night from now on, because that is what I want to do. And, she agreed.

 

Every day I swear I made so much progress, we remained sexually active twice. It was intimate, passionate...we whispered we loved eachother during the sex, over and over. She promised me she loved me, she said she'd stay with me. She promised she wouldn't go with her ex-ex. She said it was me. She smiled when we were together, more than I remember. She laughed with me, more than usual. She seemed happy again. So happy...

 

Then, a mutual friend tells me that while I'm at work and she's out "at walmart" or "doing an errand for her aunt" she's really seeing the ex-ex on the side. Going to the lake, talking by the water. And they have some sort of plan worked out where she'll stay with me for one month, and if at the end of the month she still has feelings for him, then she'll leave me. And, she also said that when we have sex it doesn't feel the same, and when we kiss it's not the same...

 

How could I take this? It's so sick! So twisted! I confronted her on some of it, and she told me that it's true...when she looks at me it's not the same as it used to be. She doesn't see me as the same.

 

So, I left. We're coming up on one week of NC, now. I assume that things are going good with her ex-ex...he might be better for her than I was. Since she hasn't bothered to try to contact me, I assume she just doesn't give a damn.

 

But, unfortunately what I think we've been taught...is we can't trust...anyone. Love...promises...they break, they dissolve. And, often you can't even see it coming. I haven't found another girl yet...but I'd like to. I'd like a reason to wake up in the morning again. But...I'll probably be so insecure...knowing that whatever they say...it's not necessarily the truth...no matter how many times its said and promised...

[Marco9i]

andrew05151,

I hear you buddy. There is nothing I want more than to down a couple of drinks at a bar and b!tch about how inconsiderate and malicious people are these days. How can someone promise their heart without merit???

And the worst is all the lying! First they lie about their supposed life-long commitment, then they lie about not wanting others.

My heart is a bleeding lump of dilapidated flesh. How can I trust another with it, let alone the same person who inflicted the damage???