Here we go - again...

[Freda]

Hi all, it's been a while since i posted on here. Some of you may remember me and my situation hopefully and all had been pretty good after our last fallout. We took our time and eventually we got back on track more or less. I have always had a bit of a cloud hanging over us though ever since and now it's raining down.

 

My boyfriend has tried quite hard at some things, but i still find fault with the things he just doesn't seem to achieve. I know it will sound picky to most of you, but for instance if i say to him that we don't see each other enough and then he makes no effort to try, it frustrates me immensely and this is exactly what has been happening lately.

A close family member was diagnosed with Cancer 3 months ago and i have changed my working pattern to be able to fit their childcare in around us. So by default we don't have as much easy access to see each other any more, but it's the lack of effort on his part that has really hurt me this time.

 

We went overseas and had a fantastic holiday in March, while we were there i explained that i didn't think our lifestyle at home was working anymore and i couldn't see a future for us if it continued this way. He agreed and between us we discussed the options we had. We both want marriage and children and ideally would like to end up living in the sun somewhere. So after much discussion and some rough plans, we decided to look for a place overseas and live the dream at last. Since we returned we have planned our next trip to view property and have been sorting out the finances etc... all was going well.

Anyway, about 3 weeks ago i fell out with him regarding a night when we were supposed to going out and he called just befoe to say an old friend had invited him out for a drink and would i mind him going? I got really mad at him as i hadn't seen him for four days and put the phone down. A couple of hours later, i text him to say 'it isn't working and i've had enough. This is not the relationship for me'

 

He didn't reply and we had NC for over a week, then he text me something random and i replied in a jokey way. He said he wanted to call or see me but was worried i'd have a go at him again so hadn't bothered. I text him back a few bits and pieces explaining how i was angry with his lazy attitude towards 'us'. Basically we didn't get anywhere and when he asked about my relatives health (cancer) i couldn't be bothered to tell him.

A few days passed and i sent him a text replying to something he had asked and again it was the usual response (i'd like to see you etc, but you'll have a go..) so i text him that i didn't particuarly want to see or talk to him as he just doesn't seem to be getting the idea of why i am upset. He then text me that he wanted his passport as he was going to go away with family - something that was news to me. I haven't heard from him now for 5 days and i really don't know where to go from here. I haven't sent him the passport so he can't be that desperate for it can he? ](*,)

 

I have kind of met someone who is very keen to get to know me and i must admit i am kind of curious to give it a try. My boyfriend has no idea about this other guy and i have no intention of telling him, but would it be right to meet up with him? It would only be for a drink or meal, no strings attached. I feel so stressed out at times. Juggling my career, family pressures, relationship, social etc... i feel really lost and am looking for your support and advice please as it really helped me out in the past.

[JJRadical]

Notice how he wanted to go for a drink with an old friend shortly after the neatly mapped out future was planned...

 

I especially like the "I still find fault..." "I didn't think our lifestyle at home was working..." lines.

 

Hmmmmm...do i want to go out with an old friend for a drink/go on a trip with my family or do i want to be with someone who is going to find fault with me, attempt to change me, and offer me a future full of responsibility and pressure/stress...

 

...yea go out with your new friend...he don't care...

[Freda]

Notice how he wanted to go for a drink with an old friend shortly after the neatly mapped out future was planned...

 

I especially like the "I still find fault..." "I didn't think our lifestyle at home was working..." lines.

 

Hmmmmm...do i want to go out with an old friend for a drink/go on a trip with my family or do i want to be with someone who is going to find fault with me, attempt to change me, and offer me a future full of responsibility and pressure/stress...

 

...yea go out with your new friend...he don't care...

 

 

You say he don't care, but he sent this text:

 

"What i can't understand is that we've planned things 4 the future. Do u think i'm goin to let go of them and u?"

 

 

 

He also said he didn't go out with that friend after i got upset. I told him that i was going through a lot (with family/work pressure) and he said he didn't know what i was going through and if i was more open towards him, he might understand me better.

 

It's easy to read my words above and make a statement like you have, but we go back nearly 10 years - a long time to just 'not care' anymore.

 

Then again, maybe you're right and he doesn't really care I just don't know anymore and my mind is so unclear.

[Khandi]

I just laft someone who didn't make the effort- it's not worth it. I loved him deeply, but when I had voiced how I felt we weren't into it together, he just found other things to do. In my opinion, if you want to share this life with someone, they have to be able to step up to the plate no matter what the situation. Also, after ten years, he may be just too used to you always being there, and trust me, once you start to notice the things you have noticed, it's pretty hard to get back to what you had when only one person (you) is making the attempt.

[nottoogreen]

Hi Freda, please have a look at this: link removed

 

If he matches substantialy, please let him go and enforce strict NC.

 

We are always here for you.

[Freda]

Hi Freda, please have a look at this: link removed

 

If he matches substantialy, please let him go and enforce strict NC.

 

We are always here for you.

 

 

Thanks for the link, but he doesn't match much to that at all.

 

 

Still NC for 6 days now. I've had a couple of 'anonymous' phone calls late at night, but i suppose they could have been anyone - who knows?

[nottoogreen]

Thanks for the link, but he doesn't match much to that at all.

 

 

Still NC for 6 days now. I've had a couple of 'anonymous' phone calls late at night, but i suppose they could have been anyone - who knows?

 

Good for you

[Freda]

Still not heard anything from him.

 

Still not arranged to meet the other guy.

 

 

Has anyone else got any advice/help/enlightenment for me please?

[Freda]

Well, it's been 8 days of NC now. Although every night for the past 4 days i have been getting 'anonymous' calls which i can't think of anyone else who'd do that. It doesn't seem his style, but maybe he is trying to provoke a response from me? Who knows? It's a strange way to behave.

 

 

Another thing is that he hasn't asked for his passport again, even though he said the family trip was imminent.

 

 

I still haven't met up with the other guy, but it's becoming more tempting by the day...

[nottoogreen]

Have a date with the other guy, at least it will get your head of him. But do not rush things!

[Freda]

Have a date with the other guy, at least it will get your head of him. But do not rush things!

 

Well, i am taking a short break this weekend so a date's out of the question this week, but i might arrange something for next week.

 

 

It's hard because i feel as though it's cheating although i haven't seen him for nearly 4 weeks now. The 'date' would be pressure free - totally on my terms and not romantic at all, so maybe it won't hurt It's a tough one

[nottoogreen]

Well, i am taking a short break this weekend so a date's out of the question this week, but i might arrange something for next week.

 

 

It's hard because i feel as though it's cheating although i haven't seen him for nearly 4 weeks now. The 'date' would be pressure free - totally on my terms and not romantic at all, so maybe it won't hurt It's a tough one

 

Great, perhaps make a new friend.

 

Cheating? (only) yourself - given your history together.

[Freda]

Great, perhaps make a new friend.

 

Cheating? (only) yourself - given your history together.

 

 

#-o #-o Ha Ha ha ha

 

- Yes, i suppose you are right. I am cheating myself of potentially living my life for me again. The truth is i am probably scared of allowing someone new into my personal life and i keep talking my self out of it.

 

It would more than likely be a healthy thing for me to get out and make new friends and like you say this guy could be the start of many??? It doesn't have to be a date, more of a drink with a friend.

[nottoogreen]

i keep talking my self out of it.

Yes, you were and you do not want to get involved deeply until you know that you are over him. Changing relationships like underwear does not work. Copying the past mostly hurts.

It would more than likely be a healthy thing for me to get out and make new friends and like you say this guy could be the start of many??? It doesn't have to be a date, more of a drink with a friend.

Absolutely, you'll enjoy it, often. . And you can sharpen your skills on spotting winners.

 

Edited: And please have a close look at RayKay's post below, she knows you for a while longer and is around here much longer than me and I highly regard her opinion.

[RayKay]

Hey Freda,

 

Hmm, I guess only you can know this in your own heart, but I would say you have to look at whether your "pickiness" is making unreasonable demands on someone. To the point they can never live up to those standards by default.

 

I don't know, it sounds like he was showing some effort to change things around, and then asked if he could go out with an old friend he had not seen in a while, and was immediately put back in the doghouse. While yes, it was unfair to break plans with you, perhaps a better response would of been to suggest he do that, and you meet him there, or he come by later after drinks? Compromises like that are important too, he is an individual and has to be able to make his own choices. Instead you did not use it as a chance to communicate, expected him to read your mind and hung up.

 

My guess is he is calling you, but yes, is afraid of the reaction. You after all broke it off with HIM, and he is probably rather hurt too right now, and following the advice of his friends to not contact you.

 

Now, maybe he is not the one for you, but I would be concerned you may take this same level of expectation into future relationships too, and I think you need to look closer at HOW you communicate your needs and desires to your partner. He cannot read your mind. I know when you are going through lots in your life sometimes it is easy to shut out the ones whom could be there to give us the most support through those times.

 

I'd also be wary about jumping into it with someone else, I think you would just be replacing one set of problems and issues for another.

[Freda]

Thanks for the reply

 

 

I can see what you mean about my 'pickiness' and you are right to a certain extent. The evening in question though (the meeting his friend instead of me) was just the straw that broke the camels back for me. It was the last in a long line of 'excuses' and letting me down when i needed him to be there for me. Although he said i'm not open enough with him, it's probably because he develops selective hearing when things aren't to his liking or he isn't interested - he's very good at that skill

 

I just don't know anymore if he is right for me. I do love him, with all my heart, but something's got to give.

 

I am always open to change and especially changing myself, but on this score i feel he needs to be making the changes as i am at the end of my tether. I certainly won't be contacting him as i have nothing to say - other than what he has heard a thousand times. So it would be like banging my head against a brick wall.](*,)

 

I'm still undecided about the 'date' with the other guy as it's all very new to me and i'm certainly not looking for romance. I will give it a bit more time.

 

I just wonder if he will ever get back in touch with me? He has the week off work and would usually be spending a lot of it with me, but he has n't been in touch now for 8/9 days. Maybe he is not bothered after all and is moving on with his life? It's hard to know what to think about it all. All i know is that i'm still very annoyed at him and feel extremely hurt and let down.

[need2bme]

I like the comment about pickiness. I wonder how you not try to find the problems yo uhad with a previous person. How do we know we will not try to put them in the ex's place, as well. You know, hanging out with someone for the sake of not going home.

[Freda]

Well, i didn't get any 'anonymous' phone calls last night. I did however, receive a text from him at 2.15am:

 

"I hope u r alright love? I am missing u, but if u have moved on i can't blame u"

 

 

So he has contacted me, but what the is that message supposed to be saying?

 

Should i reply? Although i really don't want to at the moment.

[nottoogreen]

Well, i didn't get any 'anonymous' phone calls last night. I did however, receive a text from him at 2.15am:

 

"I hope u r alright love? I am missing u, but if u have moved on i can't blame u"

 

 

So he has contacted me, but what the is that message supposed to be saying?

 

Should i reply? Although i really don't want to at the moment.

 

Counter question for training purpose : What do you think it says?

 

If you do not want to reply, do _not_ reply, as it is important that you learn to follow your heart and mind without being controlled.

[Freda]

Counter question for training purpose : What do you think it says?

 

If you do not want to reply, do _not_ reply, as it is important that you learn to follow your heart and mind without being controlled.

 

 

 

 

No, i don't want to reply and it's not like he's asked a specific question is it?

 

OK, I think he is maybe trying to get me to say "i'm missing you too" or something to that effect, but the truth is that i'm still very upset with him. I do miss him, but if i had contact now, i think i'd just go on the attack as i'm still annoyed & angry.

 

So what do you think?

[nottoogreen]

No, i don't want to reply and it's not like he's asked a specific question is it?

 

OK, I think he is maybe trying to get me to say "i'm missing you too" or something to that effect,

Yes something like that

but the truth is that i'm still very upset with him. I do miss him, but if i had contact now, i think i'd just go on the attack as i'm still annoyed & angry.

 

So what do you think?

Concur, fighting would only hurt, sometimes silence is gold

 

Whenever he has to say something, he can talk - and vice versus.

[Freda]

Yes something like that

Concur, fighting would only hurt, sometimes silence is gold

 

Whenever he has to say something, he can talk - and vice versus.

 

 

I have a feeling that unless i reply, he won't contact me again. So i'm just going to leave it for now and then i will see how i feel when the dust settles.

[nottoogreen]

I have a feeling that unless i reply, he won't contact me again. So i'm just going to leave it for now and then i will see how i feel when the dust settles.

 

Sure, you were quite happy with that before RayKay posted. I have not read other threads of you, however I am confident that RayKay has a point.

 

One thing I do no longer believe in, is to try again and retry again. As long as the fundamentals are against a relationship, and recurrent hurt destroys passion, and unresolved bad memories surface randomly, all that remains is "copying the past mostly hurts".

 

Whichever way you look at it, leaving this relationship will be positive for at least one of you, and for both of you as long as both of you learn from the experience.

 

Both of you will have new opportunities and experiences.

[Freda]

I'm taking care of my relatives children this weekend so that will keep me busy. We will get out and about, keeping busy swimming, bowling and cycling. It should keep my mind focused away from 'us'.

 

I don't know about anyone else, but i find the evenings are the hardest time and when i start feeling emotional and sentimental. Hopefully, i will be able to sleep - I have been doing pretty well so far.

 

Just got to stay positive, whatever the outcome.

[nottoogreen]

I'm taking care of my relatives children this weekend so that will keep me busy. We will get out and about, keeping busy swimming, bowling and cycling. It should keep my mind focused away from 'us'.

 

I don't know about anyone else, but i find the evenings are the hardest time and when i start feeling emotional and sentimental. Hopefully, i will be able to sleep - I have been doing pretty well so far.

 

Just got to stay positive, whatever the outcome.

 

Lonely evenings are hard.

 

I really understand what you mean, but "picking up a mate quickly" to be not lonely is so wrong. Copying old life mostly hurts

 

Can't you take up hobbies, excercise like walking, swimming, gym? Some friends which do not have to get drunk?

 

Something to read to make you sleepy tonight:

 

Resolving oneself - long and lots of links to read: - check on this one later again.

 

What has ENA shown you: