Eating disorder from years ago affecting relationship?

[xmrth]

I don't know if it is, but my boyfriend still mentions it. So I don't know what he's really thinking, and since I don't know what to say to him, I try to just get off the subject.

 

I had an eating disorder where I was down to 80 lbs about 2.5 years ago. I didn't stop eating because I thought I was fat-- I was about 101 when I stopped, and I stopped because I was always afraid I'd throw up. I was a hypochondriac and always thought something was wrong with me, and almost every time I'd eat, I'd get sick, and would be so afraid I'd throw up. So I just plain old stop eating for several months and dropped 20lbs.

 

Last night we were going out to dinner and I mentioned we go out to dinner TOO MUCH. He works out, but I don't. And I would rather work out to get toned, than to lose weight and then get all toned and all that. I try to eat chicken salad type dishes but I more frequently will eat a bigger dish.

 

He says I'm too thin right now to go to the gym and I have to eat more. I'm 101 lbs right now at 5'2", and I see my Dr and she of course tells me to reach 106 the absolute least and while I'm on BC I'm probably going to get there. I always have a weigh in when I'm at the Drs.

 

I DON'T KNOW how to talk to him about this! I don't think he understands that I'm not like that anymore.

My problem with finding the right words is this: It doesn't help is I'm "too thin" but I don't watch what I eat anyway, it's apparently my metabolism. The only time I do watch what I eat is once in a while at restaurants I'll get things with more greens in it, but we all know that really doesn't make a difference because dishes like that are still about 600+ calories.

 

I don't see why I have to gain 10lbs to get him to understand because even when I was 115 several years ago, I was still "too thin."

 

Anyone ever notice boyfriends always seem to think their girlfriends are too thin? I mean, even if they are, but no matter what? He's NOT being weird and putting pressure on me, but the problem is I can't get him to understand I'm not like that anymore-- I don't NOT eat anymore. I COULD gain weight if I ate a bunch of junk constantly, but I eat when I'm hungry and have whatever I want. He seems so uncomfortable and almost upset with me over it. He completely doesn't understand. I don't know what he could be thinking. I just think of myself and how I wouldn't want to deal with someone who would go back to destructive things-- but I wasn't destructive, and I didn't have a poor body image, I was just a complete hypochondriac and always felt sick so I "took care of it." I absolutely do not feel that way anymore.

 

Martha

[nicorette]

He says I'm too thin right now to go to the gym and I have to eat more. I'm 101 lbs right now at 5'2", and I see my Dr and she of course tells me to reach 106 the absolute least and while I'm on BC I'm probably going to get there. I always have a weigh in when I'm at the Drs.

 

i thoguht it was a myth that bc made you gain weight? ive been on it for over a year and havent, except my breasts got liek a cup size bigger (thank god cos they were extremely small before)

 

how tall are you? what should your ideal weight be? also, just let him know that it hurts when he tells you youre too thin. if you dont have the eating disorder anymore, and youre just skinny juts becfause, you cant do much about it. everyone used to think i was bulimic cos id eat so much and not gain a pound. some people just have fast metabolisms. let him know that.

[nicorette]

OH! im stupid, right there it says youre 5'2. he says 110 is too skinny? my god, im 5'2-5'3 and around 102 pounds. i cant relaly control it. i dotn think you have anyting at all to worry about

[xmrth]

Well, I'm 101 right now, on the dot-- not 110. My Dr has told me 110 is my ideal weight, but I should focus at least on being 106.

 

From what I understand, BC makes you deposit fat more easily, but I'm not sure. All I know is before I was on it, I was 98 lbs, and I gained 3. My home scale says 100 though, but I just go by the Drs office one.

 

I feel like I can't say anything about going out to dinner too much, or food, or my pant size because it makes him think of that. I haven't talked to him about it without him first bringing it up, but since he did last night, I plan to sit him down and get him to understand. Problem is, too is that for someone else... if they had one, I'd always be on the lookout in case they slipped back so I think that's what he's doing too.

 

I had the same problem back in high school as you describe with my friends saying I was too thin/bulemic/anorexic. It actually got to the point where I'd eat and eat and eat to prove it I wasn't, and that's when I got up to 115 some years ago. I was still somehow "bulemic" because I had to go to the restroom like a normal person! hmm!

[itsallgrand]

He seems so uncomfortable and almost upset with me over it. He completely doesn't understand. I don't know what he could be thinking. I just think of myself and how I wouldn't want to deal with someone who would go back to destructive things-- but I wasn't destructive, and I didn't have a poor body image, I was just a complete hypochondriac and always felt sick so I "took care of it." I absolutely do not feel that way anymore.

 

Martha

 

Umm, from what you described you actually were self-destructive in the past. I can not make a comment if you still are or not.

It did come shooting out at me right away though that you denied that what you did in the past was self-destructive. You sort of excused it away.

 

I think you should continue seeing your doctor and speak to him/her about this. Maybe you are having a flare-up? Would you notice it, or is it possible that it could 'sneak-up' on ya?

 

Just a thought. I can only take from what you write in the post.

 

Okay - so, No, my boyfriend does not comment on me being too skinny.

 

A few things 'kay?:

*Your bf may be genuinely concerned about you slipping back into old behaviors. Just caring. Worried?

 

*He may be very into healthy and fitness? And so is trying to encourage you to follow the same sort of path?

People with a strong passion for fitness/health can go a little overboard sometimes, so pysched that they want to share it with everyone and see everyone achieve the same sort of goals (sometimes not even noticing that the other person isn't all that interested).

[xmrth]

People with eating disorders who think they're fat are self destructive and punish themselves by not eating. I didn't punish myself, I was just afraid of throwing up because I always felt sick.

 

It's destructive, and I did it to myself, but I don't consider it the same thing.

 

I think because he works out and is into all that health and fitness he could feel that way. I feel that he probably thinks I'll slip back into it because I would watch for the same thing in someone else. He doesn't understand though that it was because I was afraid-- he thinks it's ONLY about feeling fat, which I never have and never would feel that way. I stopped eating because I constantly felt sick; it was all in my head, and I just don't feel that way anymore.

 

I would like to go to the gym because I legitimately do no form of exercise except walks outside are nice... but I know for a fact he's going to continue with more of the same, you have to eat more, you're too thing blah blah... his sister is extremely thin-- thinner than me, but he's convinced I'm thinner than HER. It's like he's thinking I have this problem that I don't, and it hurts. I want him to know I take care of myself.

[itsallgrand]

Have you spoken to him about this? Maybe the two of you can find some sort of agreement - so he isn't 'pestering' you, yet he can get some reassurance that you're okay.

 

Honestly, xmrth, only speaking for myself here - but never having an eating disorder myself, I find it extremely difficult to understand. Perhaps it is something that I never truly will understand. My point is: I can understand where he is coming from. I'd be worried a lot too. Education and knowing about how eating disorders work helps; but it doesn't mean we necessarily 100% understand. And maybe we don't need to.

 

You've always described your bf as a really great guy. You two should have a heart to heart (?).

 

tc

[nottoogreen]

Hi xmrth,

 

When you lost weight down to 80, you have lost muscle mass too. If the Dr says you should be 106, OK, but that at a reasonable muscle mass and body fat ratio. To add 5 pounds, you add 2.5 litres of muscle or 3.5 litres of fat.

 

Right now you say you eat "normal", and if your body does not want fat, your body does not need it.

 

As to BC reducing weigh, ask google about your

"bc pill brand" weight loss

If nothing turns up, that's of the table. If anything turns up, change brands.

 

I would like to go to the gym because I legitimately do no form of exercise except walks outside are nice... but I know for a fact he's going to continue with more of the same, you have to eat more, you're too thing blah blah... his sister is extremely thin-- thinner than me, but he's convinced I'm thinner than HER. It's like he's thinking I have this problem that I don't, and it hurts. I want him to know I take care of myself.

About your bf worried too much: Please learn to research (google again) on excercise, sensible weight gain, body fat ratio, nutrition... He will worry less and be impressed that you mean business.

 

A good way to add muscles is to go to the gym. I suggest you go to the gym, _and_ add nutrients (iron, calcium) and protein and sensible foods. Start slowly and gently.

 

... And don't let him control you

[nicorette]

As to BC reducing weigh, ask google about your

"bc pill brand" weight loss

 

bc doesnt reduce weight loss, ive heard it makes you gain weight, but i also heard that was a myth. it CAN make your breasts bigger; consequently, you gain weight. i think you just misinterpreted it nottoogreen also, all pill brands work the same, have similar amounts of estrogen/progestron or both. theyre all the same amount effective as well.

[nottoogreen]

bc doesnt reduce weight loss, ive heard it makes you gain weight, but i also heard that was a myth. it CAN make your breasts bigger; consequently, you gain weight. i think you just misinterpreted it nottoogreen also, all pill brands work the same, have similar amounts of estrogen/progestron or both. theyre all the same amount effective as well.

 

... From what I understand, BC makes you deposit fat more easily, but I'm not sure. All I know is before I was on it, I was 98 lbs, and I gained 3. My home scale says 100 though, but I just go by the Drs office one...

 

Thank you nicole, Well, there are lots of pills (also new design below) around and she is not sure, so I asked her to get it of the table by researching. I like her to be informed, also with regard to her over protective bf.

 

These I never knew about google for: birth control pill triphasic

[xmrth]

nottoogreen, who's over protective boyfriend?

[nottoogreen]

Good qestion.

 

Yours

[itsallgrand]

You think he's overprotective??

[xmrth]

(LOL) I'd love to know how you came to THAT conclusion!

 

Come on let's here it.

 

 

I'm just trying to figure out how he won't be like anyone else, including myself towards others who have had eating disorders, and I don't want him worry I will go back to it, or always think there is something wrong if I am thin.

 

I'm just blown away that you actually have the audacity to say my boyfriend is over protective when he's absolutely 110% NOT in ANY way shape or form.

[nottoogreen]

You think he's overprotective??

 

Yes, by what she writes.

 

And he does not think about her whole story: She has lost (lots of ) muscle mass going down to 80 and cannot easily add weight without adding muscles. She has enough muscles to function normaly and must excercise to add more.

 

Her doctor seems to overlook this fact too.

[nottoogreen]

(LOL) I'd love to know how you came to THAT conclusion!

 

Come on let's here it.

 

 

I'm just trying to figure out how he won't be like anyone else, including myself towards others who have had eating disorders, and I don't want him worry I will go back to it, or always think there is something wrong if I am thin.

 

I'm just blown away that you actually have the audacity to say my boyfriend is over protective when he's absolutely 110% NOT in ANY way shape or form.

 

He says I'm too thin right now to go to the gym and I have to eat more. I'm 101 lbs right now at 5'2", and I see my Dr and she of course tells me to reach 106 the absolute least and while I'm on BC I'm probably going to get there. I always have a weigh in when I'm at the Drs.

 

Martha

 

Hi Martha,

 

I am happy to learn how you read him.

 

So you do not think the previous quotes and above quote are over protective?

 

If so, perhaps I think too positive.

 

OK, does he want to hold you back?

[xmrth]

My Dr knows I had low muscle mass and that was explained to me. I was also advised to be active and what to eat. I think you also seem to be forgetting this was 2.5 years ago.

 

HE has been going to the gym for 6 years, and eats all these things, drinks all these shakes, whatever. He doesn't claim to know it all and says that's what he knows, but feels I am still too thin. He's not a Dr. he even KNOWS he doesn't know everything, he just lightly advises.

 

My main concern is him thinking this will go back, when it absolutely will not as I've already explained. This isn't part of our daily conversations. It was mentioned after several months (wild guess-- 6 or 7 months ago?) because I was talking about the gym last night and wanting to go, and he said "you need to eat a lot more and gain more weight" and all the other things I already mentioned. Plus, I don't want him to feel that because I am thin that I am making it be that way.

 

It's true-- but I don't think he knows for sure. I could hurt myself, it's a known fact if I still don't have enough muscle mass or enough fat on my body. But HE doesn't know that, just as I don't know. I'd just go to my DR

 

He absolutely is not holding me back. He would never hold me back from anything. I don't know what else I'm supposed to say to that because NO ONE in my LIFE has ever called him over protective.

[itsallgrand]

Ohh! It makes a lot more sense now.

 

You were talking about going to the gym and working out. He likes to work-out, probably knows a fair deal about it - so he's trying to share a passion of his with you.

If you start weight-lifting or exercising a bunch more, of course you'll need to eat more. Makes total sense. You'll be burning more cals, and will need to kick up your eating to make sure you build muscle rather than have your body eating itself.

 

It all makes sense to me. If it bothers you when he talks about those things, you should ask him to lay off. He may not remember to all the time, but it's worth bringing it up if you feel it will interfer with your progress/motivation/hurt your feelings ...

 

Hahaa. He is probably all excited that he can share that aspect of his life with his #1 one girl. Be prepared to hear all sorts of info you didn't ask for.

[nottoogreen]

OK Martha,

 

Sorry I am the first one to have the feeling that he is over protective of you. I am a very sensitve chap.

 

I read the thread carefully. I am aware that you were 80 2.5 years ago. And you added back 21 mostly in form of muscle mass. Perhaps 5-8 of these 21 is fat (2 of the 5-8 perhaps due to bc pill) Your body does not have reasons to add more muscles without more physical activity. And with your metabolism, and your body-fat ratio at your age, you have trouble to get fat as well.

 

He should understand that above is a technical issue and thus you can discuss the muscle mass issue with him and that you can not add weight without excercise.

 

Should be no problem then for you to go to the gym or to go swimming, biking or walking to add muscle mass. Slowly for 5 pounds, then faster if you want more.

[nottoogreen]

Ohh itsallgrand,

 

I should shut up and let you do the explaining, you do that much better

[xmrth]

That's the whole thing I don't understand is what gains what. I don't know what I've got on my body and he doesn't know but he has his guess. My own guess is I'm okay now with all that, but I'd talk to my Dr first anyway.

 

It was a 3 minute convo last night with me feeling I should hit the gym and my other comment of us going to dinner all the time, but the whole thing has got me worried he'd not think I take care of myself.

 

Then he said I'd need to eat more and that I'm too thin, and all I could think of was 'all I want to do is get toned...' So I said to him I don't need to eat more, I eat just fine now. Then he mentioned the ED and how he hopes I'll not go back to that.

So I'm just really wanting him to understand that the ED is absolutely not an issue anymore because I didn't stop eating to be thin, I stopped eating because I felt sick and I was just being stupid about it, basically.

 

I just really want him to know I'm fine, and now I want him to know I didn't realize eating more applies to whoever with however much they work out and such. I'll be talking about it to him tonight because it got me worried he's misunderstanding me about me feeling I didn't have to eat more to work out.

[nottoogreen]

OK Martha,

 

We here understand that your ED is dark history. Make him understand that.

 

And explain to him

1. ED is dark history. It will never happen to you again.

2. You want add a healthy amount of weight of 5 pounds at first as Dr suggests.

3. You want add weight toned (muscle) and not flabby (fat).

4. You will take care of your nutritional requirements and eat more to support excercise.

5. Given his knowledge and experience, you together can develop an excercise program and dietary plan to meet above goals.

6. You both can monitor your progress together.

 

If it does not work out with him, please let us know.

[xmrth]

I think that should be good; thanks for making that list. I want him to know I take care of myself as clearly as I can.