Uncontrolled Attractive Disorder??

[Cavalera]

I'm 21 years, and I have never been in a relationship; nothing even resembling a relationship. Sad, isn't it? I know. The problem is it takes very little for me to deeply fall for someone. Every time it leads nowhere, of course. It's almost as if I can't have any prolonged contact with an attractive woman of approximately my age without become seriously attached. Most recently, 2 days ago. I knew her for like a day when I realized that I already became very deeply emotionally attached to her.. Can't get her out of my mind.. At the same time I realize that there are no prospects for anything ever happening. I have no personality or sense of humor whatsoever. I can't strike a conversation with a stranger, and even when i'm talking to a person who actually wants to talk to me, I rarely have anything to contribute. I think I'm a nice guy. I never refuse to help anyone. But I realize that being nice is not nearly enough... So I have no misgivings about the chances I have with her. Don't even know whether she's single or not.. not that it would change the way I feel.

 

This has happened before.. many times, with different women. All it does is leave me with a profound sense of worthlessness. Each time it makes me realize how incomplete my life is and how I am absolutely powerless to change anything because there is nothing I can do about my personality. I hate these stages. Each time it leaves me barely able to function, dragging myself through each day for maybe a week until I get over it... maybe a week.. maybe longer. This girl I met 2 days ago.. i may not see her for a little while.. but I will sooner or later.. and even if I do more or less get over it by then, I know it will throw me right back to where I am right now. I have no idea how to prevent this from happening or what to do. Right now I just really felt like sharing.

[nicorette]

i think you have a low self-esteem and arent confident and are shy. go out there, talk to this girl and get to know her. i know its hard but youre going to have to do it sooner or later if you ever want to be in a relationship. me and my now bf of 2 years had liked each other for 5 months before dating. i was his first gf and he was way too shy to come out and approach me and whatnot. i was starting to lose interest and thought hed never ask me out until he finally came to his senses he did. if he wiated a week or 2 longer i possibly would have said no. go for it!

[Managor]

*nods* I know what that feels like. At least you're able to get over them fairly quickly... You said a week or so, some people take years when they fall for someone. Anyway I'm sorry that I don't have any advice, I'm in a similar boat to you and there hasn't been anything I've tried that's succeeded.

[Haven]

Hey. I used to have no personality or a sense of humor either. It's not something you're born with, you have to work at it. So don't give up on yourself yet.

 

And... are you sure you're actually "in love" with these women? Or do you just really, really want to be in a relationship?

[Cavalera]

Thanks for your replies.

 

Haven - You're right. I guess love wasn't really the correct way to describe it. Whatever it is though, it's damn hard to get over. A healthy relationship would probably prevent that from happening, but I've all but given up hope for that.. If I could just figure out a way to stop developing feelings for all those girls in the first place... Wish I had a vial of that Prozium just about now (if you've seen "Equilibrium").

 

As for the whole personality thing.. I really dont know whats up with that. I have no clue how to approach working on that.. Therapy might work but being a poor college student I can't really afford it.

 

Nicorette - I think I made my intentions quite clear to her last night. She must've picked it up. The best I can describe her response is that she ignored it.

 

Managore - Yea, I guess it could be a lot worse... Still sucks having to go through this every other month though...

[_AC_]

Hi Cavalera,

 

I have some similar comments to share, although it may seem rather random since my brains are scrambled and it's late...

 

I'm amazed at how well you have described me.

I have had a similar thing happen to me this week: I met a beautiful, single girl who is my age (~30)... and I've been beating myself up ever since for not being more charismatic (and of course for not being able to allow myself to be comfortable around her).

 

It seems like my self esteem has bottomed-out, and I'm struggling with avoidant personality disorder:

A personality disorder characterized by hypersensitivity to potential or actual rejection and criticism, a strong need for uncritical acceptance, social withdrawal in spite of a desire for affection and acceptance, and low self-esteem.

 

I've even begun thinking that I'm simply not smart enough to converse with "normal" people (not even just girls) because I can never think of anything to say quick enough. It's always an hour later when I'm alone and I think of funny things I could have said - where everyone else seems to have joking comments to say instantly in the middle of conversation. Then I beat myself up even more.

 

I have spent the whole week in hopeless dispare, knowing that I may only have one more chance to talk to this girl and see if she would be interested in lunch or coffee or whatever. I normally go right to sleep when I lay down at night, but since I met this girl it's taken me at least an hour laying there awake before I finally drift away for the night. She probably has no clue the suffering I'm putting myself through only because I sat down and tried to talk to her for a few minutes.

 

I believe that in the in-between times when I'm not feeling like I'm "in love" with a girl I hardly know, my emotions are repressed - and it must be my mind's way of coping with my negative emotions about myself. Maybe it's the twinkle of hope that a pretty smile brings to my heart that overpowers the repression of my emotions. It drives me to want to better myself, and to understand and defeat my self-inhibition.

 

I confided in friend tonight a little bit about what I've been going through (an older lady friend), and she said that she hopes I get rejected... and rejected again 20 times over. THEN, when I am used to the rejection and stop caring whether I'm rejected or accepted - it will get easier.

 

I think that constitutes practice, and it makes perfect sense. Now all I have to do is brainwash/train myself to go for the gold all the while expecting rejection.

 

I wonder if something like "speed dating" would help... although the idea of that scares me more than just about anything.

 

Haven is right to a certain extent about not being born with a personality. I believe your personality can be strongly affected by those who you spend time with, and the activities and education you experience, how you're raised... you know, socialization. If you don't get out much and don't engage in many activities, then it makes it that much harder to relate to people who do.

 

OTOH, genetics plays a critical role in your predispositions. That can't be refuted. thereforeeee, you can be born having to work harder to develop a personality than someone else or most people. Hence, Managore's laboring to no avail.

 

I'd like to think that I'll post an update here in a few days/weeks when our business relationship expires and I get to try for rejection! Maybe we can learn from each other's experiences.

 

 

[Zdarlight]

my friend do not be so pessimistic ...the only problem i can observe as far as i am concerned from the things you mentioned is that you are just a low-profile (i mean that you dont seem too accessible-not that you dont talk) and shy person... if you are that kind of person you have to stay the same.. there are maaany girls who are in the same situation or that like and may love that type of personality.. But there is something that you may change...your shyness; remember that some people e.g in Africa die every day and hadnt the time to say what they want in that difficult life...so , dont be like them and dont manage to say what you want- Do not dare to talk to a girl..there is no shame at all..the shame is shared it's all in your psychology and not in your inside and outside appearance.. just do it!

P.S.wanna hear news from you.. bye bye

[_AC_]

I hear ya zdarlight...

 

I actually give myself a similar prep/pep talk before going into situations I know I'll be stressed out in. It's just that when the rubber meets the road, I forget everything I've ever learned and the words just aren't there. Then comes the blushing, sweaty hands and cotton mouth, and by the time I have something meaningful to say, either the topic has changed or it doesn't have any impact because I'm the one who said it. Then I feel crappy because I worked so hard to think of something to say and got no reaction... almost like I didn't say anything at all.

 

I always end up feeling like a dimwit while those around me, even when they say things that are just plain silly, seem so funny, smart, and desireable.

 

It just seems like such hard work... when really it should be the opposite.

[Cavalera]

You've pretty much described me here... Not to mention that after I do manage to say something I thought was OK at the moment, I often endup secondguessing myself a minute later on whether I should have said it or just kept my mouth shut.

 

I noticed that I become quite a bit more outgoing when I drink. Or maybe I just can't assess my own stupidity when I'm drunk, I don't know. Either way, drinking any time you anticipate to be in a social situation is probably a straight path to alcoholism, so that's not something I would do.

[WhatGives]

I think everyone, even the most extroverted people, question themselves after conversing with strangers. I know that for me, I am very outgoing... I will talk to anyone, any time, any place. BUT... it is very hard for me not to wonder what the person is thinking and then after the interaction I almost always reflect on it and wonder what the person thought. I am a person of impulse and kind of just say whatever comes to my mind. I guess that is sort of the other extreme from what you describe yourself as.

 

But the point is... we are both weary of the impressions that we make, as everyone is. I just tend to have this non-judgmental view where I don't tend to judge others freely, and I don't allow myself to subject myself to other's judgment (unless it is constructive, of course.) So I guess what I am trying to say is... if you carry yourself around, overly concerned with how others will perceive/ judge you, you won't be able to open yourself up completely or truly be comfortable enough with yourself to share who you are. If you approach people with an attitude like "these people are only human, who are they to judge me. An embarrassing moment is just that: a MOMENT. It will not last a lifetime and every human has at least one of these moments. I am awesome because I am me."

 

I know that may sound corny, but seriously... give yourself some credit. I am sure you are not as boring as you think and you just might have some strange quirk that will suit someone's fancy. I am a very quirky person... but very open with them... which in turn has found me some fun companions to indulge in my strange quirks with!

[Haven]

Haven - You're right. I guess love wasn't really the correct way to describe it. Whatever it is though, it's damn hard to get over. A healthy relationship would probably prevent that from happening, but I've all but given up hope for that.. If I could just figure out a way to stop developing feelings for all those girls in the first place... Wish I had a vial of that Prozium just about now (if you've seen "Equilibrium").

 

As for the whole personality thing.. I really dont know whats up with that. I have no clue how to approach working on that.. Therapy might work but being a poor college student I can't really afford it.

Hmm, I haven't seen that movie. Well, I don't know if this applies to you, but when I was younger, I would develop attached feelings to basically any guy who talked to me. There was one guy in the sixth grade who was walking behind me and said, "Hey, your shoelace is untied," while doing this cute smile/nod. Even though that was the only contact I'd ever had with him, I instantly developed a crush (or something) on him. That's just one example of many such crushes, some even with guys I'd never even talked to, only sat next to or something like that. I'm pretty sure this was because I didn't have regular contact with guys; all of my friends were girls. Nowadays I actually have more guy friends than girl friends, and I don't have that problem anymore. So I don't know if that's what you need to change (i.e. develop more friendships/contact with girls), but I thought I'd mention it in case it does apply to you.

 

As for developing a personality... are you sure you don't have a personality? Maybe you have a personality when you are around family and close friends, you just don't let it show when you're around other people. One of the tricks to having a personality around everyone is to say what you want to say, regardless of how it will make the other person feel. Basically, don't worry about what the other person will think, don't worry about whether you'll sound stupid or not... just say (or do) what feels right, or what comes into your mind.

 

And for the sense of humor thing, I think you definitely have to be comfortable around other people in order to show that you have a sense of humor and can use it. When I'm around people I'm comfortable with, I can easily make comments or say things in conversations that make them laugh. But if I'm feeling self-conscious or uncomfortable around someone, I am totally unfunny.

[Cavalera]

Well, last night I spent a couple of hours again with that girl. It wasn't anything date-related, but we chatted a bit. All that's been going through my mind this morning is "all you said to her last night was wrong." A lot of small things - like we were talking about work and I somhow happened to mention my income. I don't even make a lot money, lol, but somehow I think it made me look like an @ss. All it does is add to the weight of knowing that I probably already stand no chance with her. I can't help but always analyze the probability of anything happening with a girl. Like trying to recall every guy she hangs around with, how much affection she shows towards other guys and how their chances compare to mine. The conclusion is usually not in my favor. How can I get past the fact that there are like 50 other guys that she's aquainted with who are more sociable and better looking, and so stand much better chance with her?

 

Whether I'll hear from her again I don't know. She has my number.

 

EDIT: (damn, can never get everything in one post..) Btw, I never used to have these problems as a kid. I remember that in my pre-teen years I had a ton of friends, and was far from a quiet, introverted kid.

 

Thanks for your suggestions, Haven. Maybe I do simply need to learn how to communicate with girls, and not necessarily always expect a relationship. There are quite a few helpful ideas I saw on this forum, definitely gonna try at least some of them.

[JustNormal]

Each time it makes me realize how incomplete my life is and how I am absolutely powerless to change anything because there is nothing I can do about my personality.

 

You are confusing lust with love. Money is earned. Trust is earned. Love is earned. Lust is not.

 

And the above line is a cop out. You are the only one that controls your impulses. You are a man, not a vegetable. You have a conscience and insight and thought. Use the head above your shoulders first when you meet a girl. The rest will follow in a healthy way. As it is now, you are attaching your * * * * to your emotional worth. That is dangerous and stupid and will get you in a load of trouble. Stop it.

[Spugly Fuglet]

You will be like this until you meet the one, one look and you will be lost after that all the old falling fast and evert time will some like nothing. Trust me on this once you have been hit by that kind of atration you will never be the same.

[BYOB]

You are a man, not a vegetable. You have a conscience and insight and thought.

 

I am someone who'd think that people who don't control themselves from acting stupidly deserve a relative punishment but when we think about that kind of emotional and chemical reaction, man this ain't comparable to anything.

 

Fictional situation:

You're on your way to work, walking from the parking lot to your work building. You see that girl walking accross the street and you think that she's your kind of girl. Realising that you've got distracted and that your usual attitude, you stop looking at her and pass by. Your heart gets it's regular beating back and you keep going to work. The day after, you see her nearby the same place, around the same time. She is stopped and speaking on her cellphone. You wonder about why is it that it's a second time that you see her. Many more questions are running your head as you're getting to your desktop. It's temporary; you don't think about her the rest of your day although you are curious about answers to your questionning. Next day, you get nervous as soon as you recognize the environement. You're sweting, your beat is truly accelerated; you feel an abnormal stress.

 

You're trapped, you should've changed work before coming back for a third time. That stress will eventually emplify. When you don't see her, you wonder about the reasons. The first logical explanation I see for all of that process is that you really have nothing else to think about when you're on your way to work.

 

There are things that we will never be in total control and this is one thing among those. Although my common sense makes me think I should be able to control myself,...ha this is so frustrating, it's more wild than rage. For example, I'll get annoyed for all day long and I'll feel more passive than if I have a crush on a woman.