_AC_

I met a girl on eHarmony, and when we moved into open communication I did a google search on her name and city.... and her link removed profile turned up. I noticed she's active on there every day, and she got upset when I asked her about her match profile. I'm not looking for sex before marriage, as I think it would be a distraction and confusion to the process of finding that special person - but all this girl has talked about ever since we got talking outside of eHarmony is sexual stuff. She admitted to sleeping with a guy before breaking up w/ him - all within 5 dates - and less than a month before meeting me on eHarmony! If we lived in the same city I'm thinking I would have had ample opportunity to hook up with her in one way or another by now.

Thanks, I never considered that I'm an excellent writer. I've seen it as releasing some of my introspective thoughts into the keyboard. If only I were able to communicate better verbally. I like the idea of a journal - especially on enotalone. I might need help with ideas for non-boring goals.... since I'm the King of Boredom. Swimming is a worthy exercise. I was on the swim team from 3rd grade (private club) all the way to high school (varsity all 4 years) and tapered off in college. At one point I had a 2 hour daily afternoon workout, and an early morning workout on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. It was the best feeling to fill up on some grub after finishing a strenuous workout!

This is a good point... I'll give it a try. Of course I'll probably call them three different names though, LOL I always feel like such a dork when I have to ask people at the end of a conversation "what was your name again?" Usually they're very gracious, as I try to be when people ask my name several times - but it still stinks.

It's funny, actually I have been doing it for a while (visiting link removed) and have noticed something about myself. I can read through an article, understand it, maybe even enjoy it... but then when it's not longer in front of me it's GONE. Sometimes I can't even remember the topic the article was about. This parallels another skill that is lost on me, and makes it very difficult for me to socialize: I can't remember people's names. When I meet people for the first time I usually hear their names and instantly forget them. I think I must be too worried about not being able to hold a conversation with them to remember anything. I've been wondering if I need to start a comprehension journal to train my mind to retain information: Have a standard set of questions that I answer (actually write down the people/countries involved, maybe a summary) after I read an article. Would this help me remember stuff? It seems like it would be a lot of work, but my brain just doesn't seem to hold on to information very well. This is something I was wondering if drugs would help. LOL, this is the type of crap I used to HATE when I was in school, now I'm thinking about doing it voluntarily! What is my life coming to?

Um, WOW. How can I respond to that? Scout you were right about everything, except for the part about being able to talk for hours about touchy subjects like politics. I don't do conversations on politics or religion because I have found that people are SO opinionated they steamroll over anything that isn't 100% alligned with their point of view or beliefs- LOL, just like you said. Thanks for the pat on the back. I have heard the wake up call before... every time I meet a girl I'm attracted to. This last time I stopped playing video games, cleaned up the house, started tucking my shirt in (lol), and even thought about exercise. The thing is, that none of this mattered. She was interested in my personality.... uh, yeah the one I don't have! I don't know why, but this time I haven't gone straight back to video games when I realized her interest in me had vaporized. I believed a relationship with her was just within reach... if only I could have had even a shred of interesting/fun conversation to offer up. This stuff is driving me crazy, I really do feel as smart as a fence post much of the time. Maybe I'm taking this one step at a time without realizing it consciously... and the first step is separating myself from the bad habits. The next step (finding interesting hobby stuff to do with other people) looks like it will require something besides autopilot (actual thought / creativity). The final step would be to relax, enjoy and learn to be comfortable with myself - then comfortable with others. Am I coming up with a good roadmap to success? Thank you for showing me a positive perspective on my circumstances. I've bottled up, repressed, and stuffed down my emotions and thoughts for years - if not my entire life. Maybe it's just me, but internalization seems to make me focus/dwell on the negative - even when there is a tremendous amount of good in my life.

It's gotta be here somewhere.... I'm tryin to think, but nothing happens!

LOL, I picked that one up in another thread... but it's still true and it sux to be me. Of course your life is influenced by your attitude, and I gotta work on making my outlook on life more positive - and relax, and stop caring so much what other people think of me, and learn some new things, and search out new experiences (so I have more stories to talk about), and on and on... Sheesh. How am I gonna remember to do all this stuff.

Sure. It's sort of off topic for this thread, but you asked and I'm happy to oblige. I know the view I have of my life is most likely distorted and self-centered, but here it is, the facts mixed with my feelings. I became a father at 17 years old, and by the time I turned 19 my sons mother had abandoned us to go do her own thing (partying and having more babies). I quit socializing (never really was much good at it anyways) with my high school and youth group friends and focused totally on 1 thing: providing as good of a life for my son as I could. This meant taking a couple years of college and earning an associates degree (wish I had gone 2 more for the bachelors!) so I could get a job with benefits. I got the job, lived at home with mom and dad for 10 years while I saved up money to buy a house. During this time I threw away a lot of time playing computer games - big mistake. I never read any books or did much of anything to improve myself or feed my brain. Now I feel like I'm trapped in my boring lifestyle: work, make sure kid is doing his schoolwork, stay at home alone after he goes to bed (looking at personal ads and lurking enotalone - I've really cut back on video games, and don't really crave them anymore). Because I've allowed my brain to atrophy, I can't even hold my own in a conversation with the checker at the supermarket - let alone colleagues, or random people I know. I feel like a boring guy who has nothing to add to conversations because everyone else is much more learned and/or witty than I. I feel so wooden, and I know I come accross that way based on people's reactions to me. I could be labeled as a shy guy, introvert, loner, etc... I know drugs would not help me with the knowledge, but I was hoping that it could be a possible way for me to relax and be a bit more personable. I'm overwhelmed about the sheer amount of work it seems like it would take for me to become desireable friend material, let alone boyfriend/husband material. I recently met an awesome girl who I thought was such a great match for me... we had several dates, and she liked me well enough at first, but my boring personality put her to sleep and she stopped returning my calls (leaving me hanging to look like a desperate loser... thanks!). It really brought to the forefront that I need to work on myself - one way or another. In moments of clarity I think I need to figure out how to stop focusing on myself, how I'm feeling, what I want, my insecurities - and start focusing on the external, learning about others, relationships, and life in general. I just can't seem to get my mind off of me!

Indeed. Looks can get your foot in the door, but it's your conversation skills that keep that door from slamming in your face. Yup, I've learnt this one well by being a decent looking, yet poor conversationalist.

Hopefully most people feel that way, but I feel like I'm letting them down if I don't come back with a funny story of my own or at least build on their story with a witty comment about it. I'd like to ditch that perception! LOL, I like how you described your relationship with your ex boyfriend as "it wasn't so bad" I'm sorry, Mr. no sense of humor finds some humor in that selection of words. I did try to be funny with someone a few weeks ago... it was a miserable failure that makes me wince every time I think about it. So, so, embarrassing - that I could almost laugh at myself about it. Your post describes what could solve my problem. I need to be happy. If I'm having fun, I will be more fun to be around - and the social problems would likely melt away. Everything would fall into place after that. I just gotta climb out of this rut. BTW, where is your old boyfriend now? Did he improve the way he felt about himself? Ta_ree_saw, yeah I'm in Washington State. There is plenty to do here - but I sort of lack the desire to do a whole lot on my own... I could probably start another thread on that subject.

Thanks for all of your replies... If I were to decide to go the drugs route I would most definitely see a doctor and follow their recommendation on the best treatment. My dad took prozac for several years, he had/has hypertension and though I have not been diagnosed - I'm pretty sure I must have it too. Now that he's older his symptoms have changed and gotten better in some ways, but he's taking lots of meds still for other reasons. He used to go with my mother (even after they were married) to parties at other couples homes, and he'd end up having to use the bathroom as soon as he got there. Nervous bowels - yup, I got that too but only when I don't have time to go, which makes it worse- LOL. He said he was glad to get off of the prozac, but also that it did help. I'm not so sure that drugs are the answer for myself. I think probably the best therapy for me would be to make some friends and be able to blow off steam with them. For numerous reasons this seems impossible to me right now. I'm a bit freaked out to see a doctor about this though... it all seems like such a hassle, embarrassment, and expense, not to mention the side effects.... I do want the quick fix, but that thread Scout linked to is pretty scary to me. I deal with negative emotions bad enough and I'm not sure I could function enough to maintain my life if I was having withdrawals from antidepressants.

Or would it become an addicting crutch? The hope is that it would help me forget about my depression and nervousness (lack of verbal connection w/ others) and allow me to be "myself".

I've always had a terrible time answering personal preference questions like this. My head would probably explode if I had to do a blind taste-test. I'm so verbally/socially constipated it's pathetic. I do need a breather but there really is no rest for this weary soul. Every time I think "I want to go join a club and meet people" I'm reminded that I have more serious responsibilities that require all of my non-working hours. It makes it very difficult to go out and experience life and get new material for stories to tell people about. I could go on and make a whole new thread on why my son isn't interested in joining a club with his dear old dad (if I could find one that parents and kids could be members of). In short, I've created quite the prison for myself. At least I'm still young, right? Anyways, this is going to be embarrassing - but here goes. Funny to me: Other people laughing Squidward Tentacles MXC - crude, but cracks me up My nephews Jim Carrey movies (yeah I'm immature) very few StupidVideos good stories told with lots of expression off the wall comments lame sitcoms, sometimes There is lots of other stuff I find humorous, but one of my problems seems to stem from an inability to remember the details and funny stuff and retell it in a compelling way. A half an hour later I'll come up with something hilarious, but then whoever I was talking to is gone. I think I must just have a low intellectual quotient.

burned, yep. beaten, yep. stomped on, yep. ending in divorce? haven't had the chance yet, but I'd have to say divorce is definitely near #1 in my top 5 greatest fears, right up there with growing old lonely. I am after companionship, hugs, snuggles... *sigh*