Most likely you have heard this before

[amazing_wierdo]

For around 7 years me and my ex-fiance were serious. About 6 months ago I proposed and she said yes. As time went by it seemed like she was procrastinating so I wrote some very direct (but nice) notes to her explaining my concerns about her procrastinating the marriage. About 3 weeks ago she says that she needs time to get her act together. About 2 weeks ago she says that we are broken up, but not because she wants to date but because she must "find herself."

 

Several days ago she tells me that she feels she missed out on life because we have been together so long. She feels she missed out on the "dating experience." She gets angry and says I am wrongfully accusing her whenever *I* bring up the dating topic. She made a link removed page saying she just got out of a long relationship. When I bring this up she says I invaded her privacy (in very rude terms) and that the page is just to make friends. Today she said she told her aunts that we would be back together in a month after she got herself figured out, but now shes not sure (er red light?). She goes to online chat rooms under the guise of someone else (lying about her location, age, name, career) to flirt with people. She says that its just harmless fantasy. I feel its wrong on many levels.

 

If I were on a quest to "find myself" it would involve lots of thinking, meditation, prayer, fasting, etc. She goes to counseling once a week. Other than that it seems like she is not doing much of anything constructive.

 

I read several threads with people in similar situations. When I mention to her that it feels like the "finding herself" line is just an excuse to keep me around while she dates other people she gets really angry and says that I am trying to push her away.

 

She says she loves me, wants to be with me and one day marry me, just not until she gets her head screwed on straight. She wants me to go on with my life and that I'm free to date etc.

 

I have been going on with my life but I am still waiting for her. How much time should I give her? How much is "too much?" If this relationship ends I am not going to date for a LONG time.

 

The situation is even more complicated because we have a son. I can't just say "ok, good-bye forever!" (not sure I have the power for that yet anyway). I have to see her at least twice a week and occasionally talk to her regardless of our relationship if I want to keep seeing my son. Her latest kick as that she wants all 3 of us to go camping because we are "still a family." I don't feel like a family anymore but I don't want my son to suffer. How am I suppose to heal if I have to deal with her so much?

 

For some reason I find it extremely difficult to look at this objectively. No sugar-coating please.

[joyce1412]

ugh. what she's doing is horrible.

 

in time, she's probably going to regret doing this. unfortunately, regret doesn't always make people come back.

 

i wouldn't go on that camping trip. she's probably going to make you feel guilty for not agreeing to it, but it sounds like it would just be too hard. and if she tries to make you feel guilty, remember that she's the one who's throwing caution to the wind as far as keeping your family "together." maybe you can still get together for the sake of your son, like a lunch here and there, or a baseball game, but it would probably be best for your emotional state to keep the meetings short.

 

she wants to play the field, see what she can find, while keeping you in the palm of her hand with all this (probably false) hope. that's a terrible thing to do.

 

my one failsafe piece of advice: keep that backbone intact and remember what you deserve.

[Iceman26]

I read several threads with people in similar situations. When I mention to her that it feels like the "finding herself" line is just an excuse to keep me around while she dates other people she gets really angry and says that I am trying to push her away.

 

 

Of course she gets angry, because that is exactly what she is doing. She is pushing herself away, don't let her turn this back on you. She is the one who feels like she is "missing out". You aren't the one feeling that way.

 

I suggest you be civil to her, as she is the mother of your child, but she don't let her have her cake and eat it too.

 

I wouldn't be cool with her going out and getting tainted by another man, and then "possibly" coming back to me. That's disgusting.

[Dr]

I wouldn't be cool with her going out and getting tainted by another man, and then "possibly" coming back to me. That's disgusting.

 

I completely agree 100%.

 

You are not 2nd best. If she dedicated 6 years of her life to you then she is a very odd person to suddenly want to change things.

 

Are you sure she wasn't having an affair?

 

Don't be 2nd best to this woman. She cannot break things off just so she can have male attention from elsewhere and then come back when she's finished. Thats not fair on you or your child. This woman obviously has some attention-seeking issues.

 

She either has counselling with you or you don't take her back. The only way she will come back to you is after she's her her fun. Don't settle for this. Make her an offer for both of you to get relationship counselling and if she says no, move on.

 

definitely say no to the camping thing.

 

Doc

[Bethany]

In my opinion, she needs a good kick up the backside. She is being so hurtful and disrespectful to you and your child behaving in this way.

 

Don't go on that trip, she's hurt you and the last thing you need to be doing right now is to put yourself through that. Keep away from her, she's dumped you. Spend some time for you to heal alone.

 

You have to make her realise you're not putting up with this any longer. Do Limited Contact for your son and don't talk like old friends, she's hurt you.

 

At the moment she is walking right over you and expecting you to lay down and take it. Do the opposite and it could be the a**kicking wake up call she needs.

[rajabah]

Sounds like she's scratching the seven year old itch.

 

She says she loves me, wants to be with me and one day marry me, just not until she gets her head screwed on straight. She wants me to go on with my life and that I'm free to date etc.

 

I don't believe that. If you're not good enough for her today, you won't be good enough for her tomorrow.

 

She's just saying that so you'll be her fallback guy, in case her new fling or whatever doesn't work out so she has someone to go back to. Don't be a doormat to anyone else.

[DN]

I would tell her outright that either she is in the relationship or out of it. She must decide now. Or you are going to figure out the best way to co-parent your child and end the relationship completely.

[Hunterboyhun2]

for sure man... all these pieces of advice are dead right. please listen up to this stuff. yeah, every case is different... but the more you read the stories here the more you'll see that the similarities are stronger than the differences.

 

the hardest thing for you would probably be reconciling taking a hardline approach with a woman who maybe you still see as the great girl you met 7 years ago. She is not that girl anymore.

 

There are many clear signs you can look for to gauge how much someone values a relationship (or, for that matter, another person). Whether it's cruising chat rooms to flirt with strangers, telling your partner they can date other people... or the classic "i just need to find myself" (as if it were that easy), all these things are clear indicators that this woman has lost interest in the relationship and in you. If you care about something you do every thing you can to hold on to that thing. Most people are deadly afraid of good things up. Hence all the nervous energy/tension/bumbling when you're dating. This woman plainly DOES NOT CARE!

 

I'm loud and harsh about this last point because I came from a similar situation myself and despite what people around me said.. despite even my own subconscious realisation, I chose to continue to see this person as the same personality as the one who began our relationship. But she is not. The reasons why she is not are immaterial. What's important is that she has given up caring if the relationship comes apart. And, my friend, that's not good enough. It's not good enough for me, for you, for anyone, for now for the future... EVER.

 

The sad thing is, the damage is already done. The events just haven't caught up with you yet. Even if she were to put all this craziness aside and drift back into your arms... sooner or later, probably sooner, you'd wonder what all that business was about... you'd doubt her sincerity... you might even test her in little ways from time to time. You'd never be able to totally trust her intentions again. The innocence of your image of her has just been KOed. I really don't think you can get that back.

 

These people are all right. Salvage your pride, your time and your opportunities for self-improvement and new love and kick this woman to the curb asap. To use a gambling metaphor. It's at that stage of the game when you know there's no way you are going to walk out of there with a win. At best you're breaking even, but at least you can console yourself with the fact that you played some damn good poker for 7 years. PLease don't think I'm making light of your situation. I and everyone here feels for you, we wouldn't be here if we couldn't relate to the experience. But there does come a point where the best you can walk away with is the realisation that you spent the time well and you knew a great person and being together made your life richer. Be proud of that, wear it like a badge of honour. But now think about the next 7 years or more of your life and who might you spend that time with.

 

much luck.