Concerned Over Fiance's "Friend"

[Towny]

My girlfriend and I are getting married in two months and we have been together 2 1/2 years. I've always had a gradually diminishing concern over her "guy friends" that I was introduced to and that she talked about in the first six months, but after meeting a lot of them, most of the "friends" turned out to be legitimate acquantances with no romantic involvement in the past. This eased my concerns to a point. I accepted all of her friends and some of them became friends of mine. I am ok with this. But there was always this one guy that she had always kept, well.....secret....and now it's beginning to bother me.

 

Now I don't mean that she keeps him on the side, but every other guy friend she has I have met and talked with so I am at least able to judge for myself, but this other guy I have only briefly met and that was by accident. Over the course of us dating, I had enough red flags go up over various times, whether it be by things she said, things other people have said, and, at least in one instance, a small fight we had over the fact that she was going to meet him and his friends out late one evening and it was completely out of the ordinary. Let me clarify that I am fairly certain she never cheated on me while we've been together. I have at least that much faith in her, but I am not so much concerned about the past, but what might happen in the future.

 

Now, the reason I am needing some opinions is that I found something that set that final warning signal screaming in my head. I do not condone my actions, nor do I think I was justified in any way, but recently I checked her text messages and saw that she had a conversation with him, and at one point asked "do you think we would have dated if I hadn't met [me]". He responded he had thought about it, etc. but he had bad luck in the "ex" department before, yada yada. The rest of the conversation she said she hoped thay can always be friends and he agreed. Of course, I shouldn't have done this but when you get that feeling in your gut, it's hard to shake off the paranoia.

 

I have to clarify that she only talks to him about once every six weeks or so and they have only seen each other about three times in the last year (as far as I know), so that's why I am not contemplating asking her directly. I do trust her, but I think she is keeping the thought of him alive on purpose and I don't like it.

 

So, my questions to all of you are: 1) Has anybody ever gone through a similar situation and, if so, what was the outcome? 2) Do I keep quiet and allow her to continue this "friendly relationship" or should I say something now to avoid any kind of escalation? I don't want to ever say she can't see a friend, but when she expressly avoids all mention of him to me, I can't help but think it's heading in the wrong direction.

[RayKay]

I suggest you tell her you would like to meet him - a real meeting, and go from there.

 

Honestly, it's not the part that she has a male friend that concerns me, it's the fact she seems very SECRETIVE about it that does. My boyfriend and I both have friends of the opposite sex, but there is complete honesty in all cases, we have met one another's friends and do not "hide" the friendship.

[avman]

I agree with RayKay. Having male friends isn't the problem. Even having a male friend that she once considered dating isn't a problem. The secretive part is a red flag though.

 

I don't condone the snooping. That's only going to fuel the problem. Ask to meet him. If he's dating someone make it a couples thing. Get it all out in the open with no secrets.

[bebecole]

i honestly dont think you have anything to worry about just becuase she doesnt want you to meet him doesnt mean they have sometype of relationship..

i do agree if it bothers you this much ask her if all of you want to go out to dinner or out for drinks or something..

[Skippy]

i agree that it is a red flag. Anything secretive is BAD especially if there is someone going to be there in the future.

 

Arrange a meeting t o rest your mind and talk to her about her relationship with this guy

[nottoogreen]

In addition to what previous posters said, am I wondering about her deep-inside motives to keep this friend. It seems she has some insecurities about the relationship with you. If you like please tell us more about the relationship. My concerns are how close buddies you are and how satisfied your and her sexlife is. Please also read my sig.

[Iceman26]

In addition to what previous posters said, am I wondering about her deep-inside motives to keep this friend. It seems she has some insecurities about the relationship with you.

 

I agree with this. It seems a little shady.

[Towny]

Thanks for everybody's reply.

 

Again, I know I should not be invading her privacy, but like I said, when you have something like this eating away at you, sometimes you do things you normally wouldn't do.

 

Our relationship is OK, I don't have any reason to suspect she is actively looking elsewhere, so I'm pretty confident with us getting married. But she has always been a little naive and immature when it comes to relationships in general. This is why I am concerned. I believe that most people who say they will never cheat won't, but I also think that although we all try to be strong and faithful, people are weak and given the right (or wrong) circumstances, they will make a decision they may regret later.

 

She has always been very sensitive and prone to moodiness. She also has low self-esteem and never thinks herself good enough. That's why I think if the situation presents itself at a particularly stressful time in our relationship, she may make an impulsive decision. I know, I know.......I'm creating scenarios in my head that have never happened and allowing myself to become consumed by them. But I keep wondering, 'why all the secrecy?' I can't just tell myself it isn't real.

 

In regard to the suggestion that we all meet and have dinner or a double-date, I respect the idea, but if I came out and proposed something like this, it would seem awefully strange in the context of our day-to-day lives. I think it might put more of a strain on the situation than there already is and she may wonder why I brought up the notion out of nowhere.

[nottoogreen]

Your reply offers more insight on the state of your relationship. Seems she not sure, and you no longer sure. Perhaps it's better to wait with the marriage until you know.

 

Do not worry, she will be relieved (too).

[Skippy]

if you dont want to meet the guym then at the lest you better bring it up and have a good conversation about it. I dont think it is weird to bring up the idea about getting to know this guy. Odd or not, u want to know what their relationship is like. it is that simple.

[nottoogreen]

if you dont want to meet the guym then at the lest you better bring it up and have a good conversation about it. I dont think it is weird to bring up the idea about getting to know this guy. Odd or not, u want to know what their relationship is like. it is that simple.

 

The guy does not matter much as he is not very interested (please read OP), however her feelings do matter.

[Skippy]

very much agreed

[perry22]

She has always been very sensitive and prone to moodiness. She also has low self-esteem and never thinks herself good enough. That's why I think if the situation presents itself at a particularly stressful time in our relationship, she may make an impulsive decision. I know, I know.......I'm creating scenarios in my head that have never happened and allowing myself to become consumed by them. But I keep wondering, 'why all the secrecy?' I can't just tell myself it isn't real.

 

Hi Towny,

 

Your fiance is similar to my wife. She is very prone to moodiness, has low self-esteem and always think of her as worst off than others. She keeps in constant touch with an ex co-worker of her. As far as I can tell, they communicate often via email and mobile phone messages. I think they talk over the phone sometimes.

 

The thing is that she does the same thing like your fiance. She does not tell me about their contact and even play down the frequency. She does her email reply etc when I am in the shower etc. But she sometimes is careless and left her mail client running on her laptop so I can see in the inbox the number of emails definitely exceed the number she claimed. Also I have on 1-2 occasions snoop her mobile (I knew it is wrong to do it but I need to know where things are) and I knew she delete off all messages with him and call histories etc.

 

At this moment, it appears that he is just keeping her posted on all the office politics stuff since she left the job over a month back. He tells her some of his personal stuff but she claimed that she does not reveal so much the other way round. She has told me that there is nothing between them but her secretive style to their communication is not making me very comfortable at all.

 

The thing about woman with low self esteem is that depending on what the other party is intending, they can be proned to have their esteem played up by the other party, thus making them feel more comfortable towards him, and the distance naturally gets closer when she started revealing more emotional stuff, and then the consequence is up to anyone's imagination. A few months back, she almost fell into the grasp of the another person when the guy took advantage of her insecureness to make her feel closer. Obviously this was hidden from me and I confronted her after finding out accidentally.

 

I have no solution to this except that you continue to make sure emotionally she is happy with you. I am currently in a very tricky situation as I am trying to balance my emotions between the worries and playing my part to be that emotional fulfilling partner. We just got married not too long ago and she is also currently pregnant which makes me having no choice but to stick around for the moment (I found out about the few months back incident only after we are married and she got pregnant).

[Cecelius]

I agree with what perrry22 says -- your g/f's self-esteem issues are what would be her undoing. I doubt she would ever intend to cheat on you, but she would put herself into the situation to let something happen.

 

Personally, I think this is a huge red flag. Even if you weren't getting married, I would, frankly, assume that she has some level of attraction to him and he for her.

 

I would very, very strongly advise you NOT to go forward with the wedding until you get complete satisfaction on this point.

[fishrrshortae]

Towny

I think you are right to be concerned about her lack of self esteem, etc. It has been my experience that people who aren't "self fulfilled" often seek it out in others (boyfriends/girlfriends) etc, and when that fails, as it inevitably does, they are prone to cheating. If she doubts herself, she may one day doubt her decision to marry you. Have you ever considered premarital counseling? Or at the very least, coming clean to her about what you found and discussing it calmly and rationally.