Holding On/Focus on the Negative or Positive?

[rimshot22]

It's now been 5 days since my girlfriend of 3 years and I broke up. Still confused as to what happened but I've been doing a lot of self examination over the past few days.

 

Our issues are pretty clear to me so this post has more to do with seeing if people share some of the common feelings that I'm having. I know that I have to move on, and I think I'm beginning to. However, after doing much reading and reflection, it's very difficult for me to give up something that was 97% wonderful. To top it off, she left the door ajar for the future. At the time, I felt that it was a clean break; we both knew we could not continue the way things were (see previous posts).

 

Some of her comments made to me during our break up:

 

I had asked her to marry me (she said she couldn't give me an answer so in other words, no)

 

I wanted to say yes so badly.

 

We have had some sort of relationship since she was 18 and I 19

 

It took us 10 years to get together, maybe in another 10 years we'll get together again.

 

We had been planning a trip to Costa Rica and after I told her I was bummed about not going:

 

Well, after this maybe we go to Costa Rica and get married!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

AND

 

I guess I'll just have to start believing in fate...that we'll be together

 

Finally, as I was about to leave she says:

 

I hope that when I get my head straightened out, you'll still be there

 

 

Man, when I think about all that it just kills me. Was she saying it because she couldn't let go? To make me feel better? Why? Because she was confused? Afterwards, I did feel a sense of relief that we were doing the right thing for US, but I can't help but feel that we made a mistake. Time will tell, I suppose.

[kellbell]

"I hope that when I get my head straightened out, you'll still be there"

 

That comment to me is just plain cruel to me. Actually all of her comments are. What about you and your peace of mind and emotional well-being? This is why you are having a hard time making heads or tails with the situation...she did leave the door open and made all these open-ended remarks. I am sorry, when two people are in a good relationship and it is meant to be, they will stick it out no matter what, not come up with all these excuses such as "I want to get my life straightened out," "I want to see what's out there," "I need time for me now..." When the chips are down, that is when the couple is supposed to work as A TEAM, have one another's back during hard times. Not feed these BS lines.

 

Rimshot, she feels guilty for hurting you, she does not want to hurt you and save face with you about the breakup. If you really feel you have another shot with her, set a mental timeline, do not wait around forever.

[RayKay]

Honestly? In my experience people say those things to not only ease their own guilt, but they also think it will make you feel better. They are often still not entirely ready to "let go" but they are nevertheless leaving.

 

I can tell you I have had ex's tell me those same (or very similar things) about "in the future I can see being married to you" and "if we are meant to be, we will be" and "I just need some time, I want to leave the door open" and blah blah blah. Guess how many of them are back (not that I would want them now!). Exactly....zippo! But it would of been far better if they said "there is never a chance at ALL we will get back together". Healing would of gone MUCH faster!

 

My advice is you ignore all that, and work on moving on. Time will tell what happens, but don't hold your future on the words she said, because unless there is action they mean nothing. Someone whom WANTS to be with you will be there thick and thin. What does this say for the future when life gets tough with other things and major events? You want someone you can count on to be there, don't you?

[Dazzerg]

Hmmm I kinda agree with Ray Kay accept that its hard to be totally sure this is the case without knowing the entire context of the split. In some cases, by no means all, it is not just a question of salving guilt but can be a product of genuine confusion. As to cruelty I dont really agree because to my mind cruelty is a conscious act and shes probably not aware of how much hope her words are giving and in any case thinks shes doing the reverse making things better.

 

I think the trick is not to invest all your hope in getting back together and do indeed try to move on as Ray Kay suggested but allow yourself a little hope nonetheless.

[kellbell]

Dangling carrots in front of someone to keep a person hanging on and to ease the person's guilt (the "dumper") conscious or not is just plain mean to me, IMO. Okay maybe cruel was bit a harsh word but nonetheless... it is wrong.

[Russo]

I agree.

 

I've been there, VERY recently.

I left the door open, she came back in.

 

Guess who got the door slammed in his face?

 

Not her.

 

It's unfair, it's cruel and it sucks! But a relationship only works if it's equal.

 

I need some time for myself is saying something else than: WE need to fix this.

 

there is no I in team.

[Johnathan]

Maybe I'm just a freak, but...

There was a girl from my past who fed me those lines as it was ending. I found that in order to get over her, I initially harbored some hope that someday we'd get back together. It did make the greiving process easier. And then months later it hit me that it really was not going to happen and I very objectively accepted it, with no pain. At that point she was a distant memory. It's like I tricked myself into getting over it with a bit less heartache.

[safeplay]

Same thing happened to me and x of 6 years, these are many cool girls out there. once you find a cool girl you will forget all about this one.

[joyce1412]

i have to say, i kind of agree with johnathan.

 

there are people who can rather immediately figure out for themselves that NO, my ex is not going to magically want me back, and now i'm going to deal with the fallout. those people, i'm sure, heal the fastest, are quickest to move onto the next thing/person.

 

i am NOT one of those people. a few years ago, after being rejected by someone i loved, a close friend, for another girl, i spent months and months trying to figure out what had happened (the guy refused to speak to me and thus gave me NO closure, i literally hadn't a clue what he was feeling or doing). he was someone i was close friends with, had always had a strong bond with. now, he had never given me the lines like "maybe we'll be together in the end!" but i kind of thought this to myself anyway. our families are close, i knew he would always be in my life, and i figured the situation would right itself. i gave myself that hope that we could still be together, and released it little by little...the release being aided by the fact that several months later, i met someone new and fell in love.

 

point being, i think it's kind of okay to have a little bit of hope, provided that you're not TOTALLY fixated on it, and are open to new people coming into your life. if i had rejected my new love because i wanted to dwell on my friend, i would have missed out on a wonderful year and a half-long relationship.

 

and whaddya know...this friend who rejected me called me when i was happily with the new guy, wanting me back after realizing he was in love with me and not his other girl, who he'd dumped. and when we saw each other recently, two years after i was rejected, he once again found himself attracted to me, kissed me, and said that even after all these years, i still understood him better than anyone.

 

the message: anything can happen in life. keep your heart open, don't rule anyone out (okay, unless they're REALLY terrible for you), but don't get stuck in the past, either.