Advice - Thoughts?

[Skippy]

hey, if you are goig to fight for her be smart and still have backup plans.. That means current evidence !!!

As for yor tactic, you are heading the right way, be charming, be strong, be sure BUT DON'T LET HER WALK OVER YOU.

That is the risk of being a gentleman, remember, you have to be charming, you have to be strong, you have to be sure of what you want without making yourself lower then a prince charming. Most importantly of all... YOU ARE A MAN. dont let her walk over you.

Hope it works for you, there is one thing that you have forgotten in all this though. YOURSELF. your self worth is shot. somehow ou have to get it back at the same time as getting yor wife back. It is going to be a bumpy ride as hang on tight.

[Skippy]

forget about the flowers

[Hurting4Sure]

I asked her the other day if she wanted to get divorced and she said shes not sure, when I asked her about swimming tonite, she said she did'nt know. She could have just as easily had said Yes to the first and No to the second, but she did'nt.

 

I know these forums are more about NC LC and healing, but where is the fight? I read these forums, so many times there are people that are posting things that dont seem that bad, and if they are depending on the situation, I agree it's best to walk away. But lets get rocking and rolling with the pain, sure it's hard and it hurts like hell, and yes it's easy to just walk away. But I feel anything that is worth something is worth the risk.

 

Let the Pain begin

 

I also want to stress I am not talking about begging,crying, pleading etc.

[kellbell]

Sending her any gifts such as flowers is kissing her you know what...it should be the other way around, she should be kissing you know what.

 

I still cannot get over the fact she is going to VISIT this guy...I don't get it. I would be absoutely devistated if my BF did this to me and any kind of cheating is a dealbreaker for me. I can see if she is sorry and remorseful about this and wants to work on things together with you...as a team. But she is not even sorry, she is struting this affair around and makes excuses for it.

 

It is worth the fight only when the other person is willing to fight along with you...together, as a team.

[Hurting4Sure]

Thanks skippy for the reassurance, and during this adventure I will be sure to find myself and not get walked on anymore!!!

 

Why forget the flowers? Just a sweet little thought placed in her head before she leaves.

[Skippy]

sucking up doesnt work

looks needy..

there is a guy on here that posted his attempt to win is ex back. it was a very details account. He made it his mission to win her back by trying tobe strong etc. I wish i could remember his nick. It would be a good idea for you to read his atempts. BTW, he went through hell and back, got her back etc. in the end ,. it ended.

If anyone know that guy nick pls post it here.

[kellbell]

His name is cpxism....here is the link to his story...I recommend you read it when you have about 3 hours to spare.

 

 

[coollady1957]

I am in agreement completely with kellbell here. I truly feel you are in for a major hurt here. I have been though an ordeal in the past where a BF cheated on me, that started out as an online affair. IT escalated to them meeting. He never changed, he lied, decieved, covered up his actions, and tried to make me believe that he had stopped and truly loved me.

 

You say that she has been doing this for three years. Man I honestly do not understand how you believed her all that time when you supposedly thought she had stopped her internet affair.

 

It sounds as though this woman does not love you anymore. It is your choice if you decide to fight for the woman and the marraige, but I really really think you are wasting your time. Sorry, I can not be more postive about this, but based on all you have said in all of your threads here, I really think you are in for some hard times coming your way.

 

Even though you say you are not going to be a pest, with no begging crying, pleading,,,,, you are still coming accross as the butt kisser here.

 

Gosh, I am at a loss for any further words,,,,,,, other than GOOD LUCK with what ever you chose to do.

[Skippy]

remember you are not romeo saying and giving sweet sonnets,

your are THE prince charming you do not need attentions from her she wants to give it to you.

[Hurting4Sure]

Kellbell you are right in some instances cheating is a deal breaker, but it does not always have to be. A lot of couples are stronger after something like that happens to them, alot don't make it either. You are right, currently she is not wanting to work on this, why would she? She talks to this guy and everything is great, no fighting about bills kids what to do saturday night, etc.

 

And then she talks to me and I am like "ewwwwww please come back to me I love you, I cant make it without you I I I I " Which would yo do, fantasy man ( easy) or real man (hard) I do mean real man by being present and here, not like cocky real man. lol

[Beyondthesea]

Hurting, why we are all recommending you walk is because your wife has already done so. She doesn't have any intention of staying with you, that's abundantly clear. If this guy doesn't work out, someone else will take his place.

 

If your situation was that your wife had met someone online and freaked and told you right away and left it at that, we would not be recommending that you walk. She has crossed the line with you again and again, and by not putting down your foot and/or making boundaries, she has crossed over so far I am sorry to say she won't be returning.

 

I really believe the relationship is beyond repair. She will go visit him and when she returns, the two of them will have plans to be together somehow.

 

I don't mean to sound cruel, I just want you to see the reality.

 

It's nice to pretend there will be a happy ending, and nice to think you will be chosen over 'the other guy', but I don't think that's a good thing in this situation.

 

Whether it be now or later, she is going to hurt you more so.

[kellbell]

"in some instances cheating is a deal breaker, but it does not always have to be."

 

I agree with you on this one BUT your wife's behavior is despicable. She is not even sorry and does not even see the wrong in this. I can see if she fessed up, she was extremely sorry, and wants to put the marriage back together...then okay, the wedding vows are worth fighting for. But is not even close to fighting for you or the marriage. So in that sense, you are going to be in a world of extreme hurt if you fight for her. Time to start protecting yourself instead of sucking up to her. No one respects a brown-noser. I am not trying to mean but this is truly a twisted situation and I do not want to see you get any more hurt than you already have been.

[coollady1957]

DITTO to all Kellbell said up there. I hope you stop and think back really hard about all she has done and her current plan to meet this guy. I feel you are in for the most horrible ride of your life if you keep pursuing this woman.

[Hurting4Sure]

You know after all these posts, maybe you guys are right. Maybe our time has ran out. I did just find out she is buying the tickets, not that that matters, but she said if he wants to see her he would have to make the sacrafice and buy the tickets. I guess I am such a fool for sticking with this?

[Skippy]

yes.. she is leaving and she has step all over you already. Her perspection of yuis as low as it can be. She has already decided. Yo best look after yourself.

[kellbell]

"I guess I am such a fool for sticking with this?"

 

No you are not. You are care and love her. You are true to your wedding vows. Plus, it is natural to fight her. Do not think you are a fool...your wife is a fool.

[Hurting4Sure]

I guess the true fact of the matter is that she left me for another guy. I guess that's all I need to know, talk about coming down off an emotional exciting high of wanting to win her back. Right now is not the time, all she thinks about is this guy and going to see this guy, that really hurts....

[Beyondthesea]

Of course it hurts, and I'm so sorry you have suffered so much with this woman. When I looked back at the 'day to day effort to win her back' I couldn't believe you have been fighting for literally years! You are obviously much more serious about your wedding vows than she was when she took them.

 

If I were you, I would consider the relationship over and serve her divorce papers. You have fought long and hard, and your wife is the one who has lost, not you.

[majord23]

Majord I am taking all your advice to heart, what I mean is when this started she was not looking for anybody, it was a bad sitiuation and she started talking to him. By this advice, and forgive me my self esteem is probably very low, and I mean no disrespect, but by this advice would it also be said if your spouse had an affair, and she decided or for whatever reason it did not work out and she wanted to try again with you, would that necessarily be second choice? I mean I guess technically it would? but is'nt there a bigger picture?

 

 

To put it simply, if my spouse started an affair *before* she left me, then she would have no avenue back - I would make her choose: "Me as a guarantee or risk losing me for the unknown" (it probably wouldn't get to that stage mind you). If she didn't choose me, then it would be over - forever. Fullstop. No negotiation.

 

Is it easy to think this way? Hell no.

 

BUT (and believe me when I say this to you)....in a couple of years, you'll be sitting in a chair with a friend or your next wife, wondering why the heck you tolereted such behaviour from the woman you're currently tolerating (yes, you are tolerating her - you aint 'with' her mate...not at all - tolerance is all you have, not love)

 

The most valuable thing you can salvage right now is your self respect...it may not seem like it now, but when push comes to shove - self respect (or lack thereof) is the often the thing that 'decides' whether we move on from a relationship or whether we remain 'stuck in it' for longer than we should.

Be a man and make a stand while you still have some of her heart - the alternative is that you live your life wondering 'what might've been' if you had have said something sooner.

 

Not tomorrow, stand up for yourself NOW.

[melrich]

I don't get this. Are you still together with your wife or separated. When did you separate if so?

[Hurting4Sure]

we are separated, I moved out in March when I caught her talking to him again.

[melrich]

Ok I have read a bit of your back story now. I can defiantely understand you wanting to hold your family together. To be honest when kids are involved etc. it really is not a matter of "keep your self-respect", "dump her" etc.

 

But I do think you have to be honest with yourself. The realtionship seems to have degenerated significantly. This other guy probably is just a fantasy, they may well meet and all but the chances of it succeeding are very low.

 

I think you should strat thinking about protecting your inerests. That does not mean that you necessarily give up on a reconciliation but that you take moves to ensure that if that does not happen you are legally in a good position to get access to your kids and financially you are not ruined.

 

That is the practical course.

[Hurting4Sure]

Well guys, I have realized my self esteem is at an all time low. I need to fix this before I can go further with her, I am not sure if that means I will not hang out with her or not, have not decided that yet. But I am looking at this as we are done at least for now.

 

Let me tell you about my deciding factor in this. I talked to her last nite, good conversation, had her laughing, felt upbeat etc. Then at some point I asked if you had the money right now would you divorce me? She said "probably, dont' know" and I was ohhh yea, she could have just as easily had said yes, but she said probably. Then this morning I realized what the hell, I am excited about probably? Talk about low self esteem!!!

 

Also I realized one reason why you do LC, it's becasue we as being dumped want more of course, and just about any opportunity we get we stick our foot in our mouth and do something or say something stupid!!!

[Beyondthesea]

Probably isn't a good answer I'm afraid.

 

Definitely start looking into lawyers and make sure you are in a good place if this whole thing blows up.

 

If she really loved you and wanted things to work out, she would be chasing you in my opinion. You moved out in March, she should have been begging you back, etc but she didn't.

 

I really hope this all works out for you. I've seen some nice guys like you get royally scr*wed when things break down because they didn't prepare.

[kellbell]

I agree with Sea. Probably is not a good answer. This has been going on too long, since March my friend and she no where near in the frame of mind to work things out. She is meeting someone new.

 

Time to protect yourself. I also agree with Sea as I have seen awesome and caring guys get royally screwed in a divorce because they wanted to play nice.

 

I am so sorry things worked out this way, I truly am.