wife no longer attracted to me

[joeshmoe]

Hi All, I'm new to this site, so here goes:

 

The other night, my wife (of only 8 months) told me she no longer has a sexual attraction to me & doesn't know why. She said I am her best friend, and she loves me & wishes she still was attracted, but something happened & now she is not. We did meet pretty young, she was 19 & I was 22 we've been together 5 years pretty much attached at the hip since we met. I think that is part of the reason. We both want to fix this if we can, but she is sure that a counselor isn't going to be able to change a "feeling" she doesn't have...I kind of agree....

 

....any words of wisdom or help will be much appreciated.

[nottoogreen]

Hi All, I'm new to this site, so here goes:

 

The other night, my wife (of only 8 months) told me she no longer has a sexual attraction to me & doesn't know why. She said I am her best friend, and she loves me & wishes she still was attracted, but something happened & now she is not. We did meet pretty young, she was 19 & I was 22 we've been together 5 years pretty much attached at the hip since we met. I think that is part of the reason. We both want to fix this if we can, but she is sure that a counselor isn't going to be able to change a "feeling" she doesn't have...I kind of agree....

 

....any words of wisdom or help will be much appreciated.

 

Hi joeshmoe,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone,

 

You are together for a long time. You do not mention any grave issues, so please let me ask you some questions.

 

Do either of you lately have lots of stress, work or family problems?

 

You mention problems with her sexual attraction. Please do not be offended, this is quite common. She may not even know either. I suspect she is not satisfied sexualy. Have you discussed her feelings with her in detail. How is your sexlife - any changes. How satisfied are you? Any pressures on her when you want sex?

[Tigris]

Welcome to enotalone.

 

What we wanted when we were in our teens can be different when we get older. We all change and sometimes when we're in a couple we don't always change in the same direction then unfortunately it causes problems.

 

I suggest the 2 of you sit down with paper/pen and write down everything that you both enjoyed when you were younger. When you've finished compare it to what you have done together since. Maybe if you got some of those things back into your routine then you could save your marriage?

 

I've been married twice 1st was 5 years and the 2nd was 14 years! I discovered that as time goes on people get it into their heads that they don't have to try as hard because they're now married and don't have to do the 'running' anymore.

 

The problem with my marriages was that it was only me that was trying to fix them and needless to say that doesn't work. In the end I gave up!

 

If you're thinking of children to pull the marriage back together STOP IMMEDIATELY because there's a lot of people have tried that and it doesn't work and makes their lives more complicated in the long run.

 

I hope I've helped.

 

Good luck.

[brando]

Well i wouldnt argue with her and try her to convince her of something she isn't feling anymore.

 

I read once Love is an action, and once two people stop act lovingly toward eachother, then the love feeling is no longer present.

 

Counciling is great for communication problems. It is also helpful to get answers from within ourselves and not having answers pushed on to another by some guy with a PHd.

 

Can you see why she feels this why?? Is their any hints that maybe you overlooked for her to tell you this??

 

With so much disposability in todays world, it is sad to see marriages fall by the wayside because of a lack of feeling or some misconception in ones own mind about what love is suppose to be for them vs, what it means to love someone.

 

I wish u and your wife the best.

 

be well,

brando

[Lady Bugg]

I think familiarity breeds contempt in some cases of marriage.

Being in a "stable" predictable marriage takes the edge off things...though I'm not sure it would affect ones sex drive.

 

I read a quote once" Women give sex for love, ane men offer love for sex.

Have you stopped being romantic? Are you communicating?

[CluelessGuy321]

Hmm. See a good therapist.

 

There has to be a reason. I can always name a reason why I fall out of attraction with someone. Usually it's physical. Have you let yourself go since marriage? Maybe you should start working out.

[joeshmoe]

NOTTOOGREEN: some money issues as far as stress, but nothing horrible.

 

she used to be more satisfied than now...she used to be able to "finish" in just about any position, now only with her on top....and she is no longer interested in oral sex (giving or recieving)

 

obviously the sexlife has gotten worse, dull, & unspontaneous. Yes, I sometimes do make comments like I don't get it enough, or we do it the same all the time & it gets boring.

 

comments like "hey even filet mignon gets old if that's all you ever eat" nothing derogatory & do not insult her...

 

 

TIGRIS: I think you are closer, we do things together, but she says she's not sure who she is, because she was still a kid when we met. She says she almost feels smothered, and I guess sometimes I do too. Our friends have shifted from my friends & her friends to "our" friends, so we do almost too much stuff together & don't have hardly any alone time. Do you think it is best to just give each other "space" and we can each do our own things for a while? It just kind of seems backward to do that, but maybe we need to "date" each other for a while? (not date other people, neither of us is that open)

[brando]

That could be it. You are both still growing and changing. She is realizing who she is now in her twenty somethings....

 

Their is tons of information on the internet, reources, groups who may be able to assist you two in getting that attraction back.

[CluelessGuy321]

oh. oh yeah. you need your space.

 

You need your own friends and hobbies and she needs her own friends and hobbies.

[nottoogreen]

OK, work on both ends. Please Talk, Talk, and talk more as buddies!

[Tigris]

Why don't you suggest what my sister and brother-in-law used to do? They met up with their group of friends on a Friday night and the guys went off together and the girls went off together. They made sure they didn't start out from the same place, e.g. pub, club, whatever and at the end of the night they all met up again so they went home safe in couples.

 

On Saturday nights they went out for a meal together (alone) and did the dating thing. It worked.

 

Unfortunately, years later they forgot about this routine and ended up 'on the slippery slope' where they took each other for granted. My sister talked to her husband and said she wasn't happy because when he did day shift at work he came in, sat infront of the tv and didn't want to move. She was at home all day doing housework and being a mother and wanted to let her hair down. Eventually he allowed her to go out on a Friday night discoing with one of her friends that's in a long term relationship. That made my sister happier and my brother-in-law had the space to unwind like he needed.

 

Problems arise in marriages like this on and off throughout life. I've even heard married couples who are in their mid 60's saying, 'Now that he's retired he's always under my feet, it's like having a shadow.' The men who retired when my grandparents were in their mid 60's didn't know what to do with themselves if they'd never had a hobby. On the other hand the women being housewives were used to having the daytime to themselves and resented the men for not finding something else to do.

 

Like someone said earlier you both need to find something where you can both enjoy your individual space for a few hours a week.

 

Good luck

[nottoogreen]

Trashing the TV may be a smart move, albeit pretty hard to most. Have done so more than 10 years ago, with more quality time, we watch the odd movie on a computer.

[Tigris]

That does work nottoogreen because I noticed that my 2nd husband wanted to spend more time with me and we talked a lot more.

 

The reason for not having a tv for 4 years was that my husband stood an iron full of water on it and the water leaked inside!

 

He worked away all week as a Coach Tour Driver for a holiday company and stayed in hotels every week. He only came home overnight once a week for a few hours to change the contents of his suitcase. There wasn't even time to go out for a meal by the time he cleaned the coach inside and out. If I'd relented and bought a tv I'd have never spent anytime with him!

[lostandadrift]

I'm a 41 year old woman and have recently gone thru (am going thru) a similar problem with my 17 year marriage. We were also "attached at the hip" and have relied on eachother to met ALL of the other persons needs. It worked great for a while, but about 6 years ago I began to lose my desire. I think it is important not to lose a sense of self in a relationship. I didn't know who "I" was, there was only "us". I think it became all too familiar. We were no longer individuals. This led to resentment on my husbands part, and anger, and that only made the problem worse.

Desire, for women, is much more psycological than physical. Look closely at your relationship. If you are her "other half" you may be TOO close. Create some distance, create some separate interests, be individuals again. Be that separate, interesting person she fell for to begin with.

[joeshmoe]

thats what I am going to try to do...it just feels odd that to get closer, i need to pull back. (but I have learned from a previous girlfriend that smothering them will make them head for the hills faster than anything)

 

...we were planning on going on a little weekend trip w/ mutual friends this weekend, (I really didn't want to go anyways) so I told her if she wants, she can go & have fun, but I'm going to stay home & go dirtbiking (something I haven't done enough of lately) & work on my project truck.

 

if this all works out, I'll have a wife that still wants me and a truck that actually runs!

[HardShowingAffection]

Yes, the correct balance is key. Make sure that you do those things together, but make sure that you have some time apart... it will make you appreciate one another more.

 

"Dating" is a very important thing, especially for the woman in your life. She needs those emotional connections that you might overlook. Don't forget the simple things like a card, that just says you love her, or maybe a flower... just because.

 

If you have fallen into a comfort zone, she might just be feeling kind of blah... even though you are fine with things. Women work on those emotions! You have to work to fill her 'love bank'! I think a surprise date or two, flowers, a card... any of the little things... just because... will do some wonders for you. Those are the kinds of things that will not only put a smile on her face, but put her in the mood for more!

 

Reignite that spark... find that balance... work to be YOU and encourage her to find herself as well. Let each other know your needs in the relationship so thar you two can work together to meet those needs... and the relationship will once again flourish!

[joeshmoe]

well, she is out on her girl's weekend, I talked to her on the phone...she says she really doesn't know where she stands....she just keeps saying that she doesn't want to hurt me, but the feeling is gone & she doesn't know how to get it back, etc...

 

...she says she's got tons of stuff going thru her head, and she even had a dream that when she got home, me & all my stuff was packed up & gone....

I asked her if it was a good or bad dream & she said she didn't know....The way she is talking just makes it seem like it is over.

 

I guess I am more or less just venting here guys/gals...I am here at home & she's out having fun...(I did go to a bar last night & had a little fun, chatted w/ some ladies just on a friendly level, but it helps the ego to know that women will talk to me, ya know?)

 

oh well, dirtbiking tomorrow will help at least temporarily, (speeding thru the desert at 50 mph doesn't let your mind wander too far off the task at hand)

[nottoogreen]

Hi joeshmoe,

 

She's cold ain't she?

 

Could she be with someone else (a girl not excluded)?

[joeshmoe]

okay, so we talked last night when she got home....she was crying a whole lot. She says that she feels like she has been living for what everyone else wants, not what she wants, and it has just been bottled up for so long that it is now coming out.

She says there is nobody else, that she doesn't want to find someone new, she just wants to be alone or with her friends because "they like me for who I am"

 

...she feels like she was stupid for getting married so young, says she doesn't even know herself, or what she wants, and wants to just disappear for a while.

 

...she still says that if her feelings for me could come back, that is what she wants, but she doesn't see or know how to get that back. She told me that when she left for the weekend, she was hoping that she would just miss me & want to come home, but that didn't happen & she really didn't want to come home, but she has nowhere else to go.

 

Also, most of her friends are older women (my wife is 24, her friends are 35+) in bad relationships themselves, which I don't think helps....her good friend from work is a total control freak, alcoholic with a pot-smoking doormat of a husband.

..friend #2 I actually like, she's down to earth, a bit of a hippy type, but her husband is a total alcoholic.

..friend #3 is divorced from her husband, but they still get together to have sex

 

....i'm beginning to think "with friends like these, who needs enemies"

 

 

sorry about the super long post, thanks if you've made it this far, and any insight into my situation is appreciated.

[HardShowingAffection]

I can relate to the beginning of your post there, where my ex felt like she was living to make everyone else happy, and that she just kind of burst. I didn't see this, as I was happy for the most part, and without her expressing those feelings of unhappiness or those concerns, I was not as aware as I could have been.

 

How was I to know that all these things were running through her head, tearing away at her emotionally when she didn't open up and speak her mind. How were you to know? How could you help to work at making things better when you didn't know the extent at which these things were dragging her down? You cannot blame yourself here for everything, you cannot work to fix something when you are not aware there are problems.

 

Give her space... let her see what life without you in it is like. Work on yourself, making yourself happy. You may very well realize that you deserve more after taking a deep look into YOU. Try reading, it has done amazing things for me.

 

Try these two books, they will make you view the world in a whole new way:

 

"The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz

"The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz

 

They have had such an impact on myself and others that we are passing it around the office, and my family has also picked up the book. It is simple, excellent information to live by that will allow you to see the world in a whole new life!

[nottoogreen]

HardShowingAffection offers more insights, makes sense to give her space as long as she has no new lover.

[joeshmoe]

okay, so I want to give her some space...but she is my wife & we live together...last night, she was crying on the couch, so I went & let her cry on my shoulder...good or bad? It's very hard to let the one you love sit there & cry by themself.

 

...do i sleep in the guest bedroom, & hang out at friends/parents house so it is like i am not there at all, to give her a feeling of me not really being there?

 

....thanks guys, writing this stuff out helps a difficult situation a bit.

[nottoogreen]

okay, so I want to give her some space...but she is my wife & we live together...last night, she was crying on the couch, so I went & let her cry on my shoulder...good or bad? It's very hard to let the one you love sit there & cry by themself.

 

...do i sleep in the guest bedroom, & hang out at friends/parents house so it is like i am not there at all, to give her a feeling of me not really being there?

 

....thanks guys, writing this stuff out helps a difficult situation a bit.

 

She seems to be confused. Looks also like her friends are no use beyond play and b*tching.

 

She is your wife. You did very well being there for her and let her cry on your shoulder.

 

No, stay with her in both your bedroom, and do not hang out elsewhere.

 

If she does not come home, leave her to it, otherwhise be as close with her as she desires.

 

She could use counseling, or you could try to get her to open up. Be patient and kind.

[doyathink]

Hi Joeshmoe, Welcome to ENA!

 

This sounds like my 1st marriage in so many ways! You married young and as ppl mature they change. Some couples change to become more alike (for lack of better words) and some couples grow apart. Our needs change our habits and thoughts change and the way we view each other can change.

 

Do you know many ppl who have the same friends that they had 10-15 years ago? not too many, thats because we change. When I was 19 I fell deeply in love with a man and age 29 I couldn't find a thing that I loved about him. I certainly didn't want to hurt him, he was more of a best friend and I cared for him, loved him, as a person-a friend, but was not 'in love' with him anymore. I couldn't stand to have sex with him because it felt more like sleeping with a friend not a lover.

 

Then there are couples who are married for 50-60 years and are still so in love with each other nothing could separate them. It would be so nice if this were the case in every marriage huh.

 

Over time I left him, I new he deserved better because he is a great guy and I didn't want to hold him back from finding someone who could love him the way he deserved.

 

Sometimes couples grow apart and what once was love is now gone. I don't know how we can loose that feeling I just know it happens and it really hurts everyone involved. She is hurting too, she doesn't know why she feels this way, it's hard to explain. You sound like such a careing man and I feel for you, this is one of the hardest things we can go through. You can try the seperation thing but I'm affraid it will only prolong the inevitable.

 

If one is not in love anymore I would think therapy would not work, give it a shot if she is willing, who knows.I wish you all the best and I'm so sorry for your heartache.