Before I yell at my ex, thought I'd post here...

[navigator2001]

Before I yell at my ex, I thought it'd be a good idea to come here and vent. We dated for 3 years and she broke up with me because apparently a lot of little things had been adding up after it turned long distance. The problem is, in my mind, she never made an attempt to tell me anything was wrong! Everytime we talked, she seemed happy, acted happy, said she was happy. And all of a sudden, I get blindsided by all of the things I wasn't doing, mainly doing with me showing my affection towards her. But my rebuttle is, how was I supposed to know something was wrong, if you acted like everything was great. I thought I was doing a great job, by calling her 4-5 times a day, it wasn't like I was ignoring her. Yea, I'm not the best at doing the mushy stuff, but she never really had an issue with that.

 

I'm just SO hurt, that after being with someone for 3 years, after being best friends with someone for 3 years, after making someone my support structure who I could tell everything to, she made no effort to discuss the issues bothering her, and save our relationship. It's as if, after she started grad school and moved to a new area, she didn't have any use for me anymore. She met new people, maybe even met a new guy, and didn't need the old boyfriend anymore.

 

In addition, I just found out that she told a mutual friend to tell me that I should actually take this "break" as a breakup. My ex just didn't have the heart to tell me that when she asked for the break. She left me hanging for 2 months (2 hellish months), because she "didn't have the heart to tell me."

 

What do you guys think of this? That after being with someone for so long, she didn't even try to talk things out and make things work? Maybe this breakup was a blessing in disguise after all. Maybe if things had worked out, she'd just ditch me later on down the road, when it would have been even harder.

[nicorette]

i think its very immature and ignorant of her to leave you hanging, and perhaps foolish on her part not to tell you the problems so they could be fixed. however, that might be a hidden message that she really wants to move on and doesnt want to be a relationship, which is true.

 

Maybe this breakup was a blessing in disguise after all.

 

i think thats what it is. id go NC. dont talk to her. dont call her or anything, if she calls ignore it. shes not worth your time you could do so much better. i know it really sucks right now, and 3 years is a great deal of time, but you coudl be SO much happier with somoene who will treat you right. go NC and try your best to move on. keep busy.

[avestieri]

I also think it was somewhat immature of her. 3 years is obviously a long time. You'd think that she'd have enough respect for you to personally tell you something as important as that.

[Geno101]

i'd say it was immature, but i'd also have to say i dont know her like you do. And i'm sure a group of people downing her online wouldnt make you feel too good. but the thing i see is her finding someone doing the things you neglected. But its not your fault. Because of course, you didnt even know because she dindt bother making an effort of telling you. I would also say not to call her and ignore her calls but i know, everyday becomes harder without hearing her voice, just as it is for me. And i know if that name popped up on the Caller ID it would be hard to jsut ignore it as if your eyes dindt light up when you saw it. you cant lie to yourself. Thats all i can say. go with your feelings and dont just do something to be doing it. Dont ignore the call because it seems like its the best thing to do to her after what she's done to you. Just think before you answer, but be quick. or think before you make the call. but i would give you the go ahead not to be too mushy and TOO forgiving because what she did is disturbing and QUITE screwed up for the most part. i say you should talk to her if you feel its right, but you can not give in and throw your trust and feelings back on the line. you should make her work for her place back in your heart, you know what i mean?

 

Exactly what type of an effort have you made in talking and changing this by the way? just out of curiosity.

[navigator2001]

For the first 2 weeks after the "break" (now a breakup), I was calling her virtually everyday begging for another chance, crying my eyes out, and just making every wrong move in the book. Since then, I've toned the contact down to about once a week, and attempted to keep the emotions out of it, while slipping in that once or twice. And I just found out tonight, the real "truth" behind her intentions. So now I will not call her, I will not email her, I will try to ignore her emails/IMs/calls, as tough as that will be.

 

She's coming home in less than a month. I will not call her to hang out with me, and will hopefully resist the urge to hang out with her, if she calls me. However, I am scared that if I do not see her when she comes home, I will have no chance to be with her ever again. I say this because, in a month and a half, I will be starting school on the east coast, and will be permanently leaving California. Her home is in California (but she goes to school outside the country), so if we're not together, I doubt we'll be seeing much of each other once I leave for school. I'm tempted to take that one last chance to put everything else on the table, and show her what I'm willing to do to be with her. However I feel I may be getting my hopes up once again.

 

I just wish I could flip a switch and get over this, kinda like she's seemed to have done...

[Geno101]

i'm WITH YOU. i know exactly what you mean sir. I have just posted about my girlfriend moments before joining this thread and i mentioned my girlfriend not exactly showing signs of suffering as i am. And i wish i could deminish my feelings like she's doing. But look at it this way. For what she has done, she will pay the cost, one way or another. You might have been the best thing to happen in her life, and sooner or later, if thats true, she will notice. She will see the difference between you and other men and just wont be able to find anyone to give her what she's feels she's misssing, no one to fill that void, because you will be the only person who can give it to her. She's gonna be searching forever if you did what you were supposed to do for her. Things will work themselves out whether you have anything to do with that or not. She WILL suffer without you, because 3 years of her life has your name all over it. She will remember you for as long as her life stretches, so you have a guranteed mark on her life. you know? you did what you had to do, now she will either embrace you, or make the mistake of her life and miss the boat...She will be miserable sooner or later when you're gone.

[itsallgrand]

I'm wondering what you mean when you say you found out the 'truth' behind her intentions.

 

Since you have been in contact with her, has she opened up at all about her feelings?

 

What has she said?

[CluelessGuy321]

yeah, I've had this happen to some friends.

 

She probably kept you around until she found someone new. She sounds like a jerk. Just stop communicating with her. If any friends of hers comes to pass a message to you, tell them you don't want to hear it and for them never to mention her again.

[nicorette]

My ex just didn't have the heart to tell me that when she asked for the break. She left me hanging for 2 months (2 hellish months), because she "didn't have the heart to tell me."

 

this is the reason i was "downing her on the internet," geno. it wasnt anything personal, i dont even know her. but we dont get to know her, we get to know HIS side. and i think that the quote above can show that from his post, all i know about her is that she is extrmeely immature, ignorant and careless about your feelings.

[navigator2001]

As far at the "truth" behind her intentions. She's been saying it's a break over and over and that she just needs time and space to collect herself and figure out what she wants. Well the truth seems to be that she just "didn't have the heart to tell me otherwise." From what a mutual friend of ours said, she just wants to end things, but was unable to say it flat out.

 

Nor did she tell me the real reasons behind what was going on, just that she needs time and space for the time being. She told that same friend that it was an adding up of a lot of little things (dealing with affection), however I get the sense that there's more to the story than that. I've been unable to find a big catalyst to cause this breakup, and don't accept that after being together for 2.5 years, that 3 months of Long Distance can cause a sudden breakup. 3 months is a short time for Long Distance, and I feel we were both just getting adjusted. Had we sat down and discussed what was going on, it's something we could have easily resolved.

 

I have been in contact with her these past 2 months, but I've been trying to avoid the topic of what she's feeling, since I thought she just needed time and space (and she seemed to reiterate that need on a few occasions).

 

Which brings me to my next question. Now that I know more about what's going on, is there ANY benefit to calling/emailing/IMing her to get some stuff off my chest. Mainly:

 

1. Why did she not bother to talk things through?

2. It had only been 3 months of long distance, and we were still adjusting to it.

3. Why after 3 years, could she not be straight up with me and tell me the truth, rather than put me through 2 miserable months of "hoping"?

4. Explain that had I known my lack of affection was a big issue to her, I could have attempted to work on it.

 

 

I'm afraid I'm acting on emotions right now, and sending this to her will just create additional tension for both of us. I guess in a way, I'm hoping to talk to her and magically make her come back to me by explaining things. But that's a pretty ridiculous thing to even think.

 

Any comments?

[HardShowingAffection]

Don't act on emotions! Be very careful there. In any relationship book you read, or advice you get... don't place blame on your partner. Sure things might have been better if she would have opened up to you about certain things you were feeling, but she might not have opened up to you because of the way you have acted or reacted to her when she did in the past... it goes both ways.

 

If you have an open line of communication with her, LISTEN to her, UNDERSTAND where she is coming from. Put your feet in her shoes, and genuinely listen to her. I am sure she has plenty of valid points, just as you do. But if you are always waiting to talk and trying to get answers to see things your way, you will miss what she is trying to say!

 

I can't stress this enough as far as listening to her and understanding her. Sure, you might be frustrated, and you might have good reason to be frustrated, but that isn't going to get you anywhere but deeper in the hole. By listening and understanding her, you show you care. You show you are sincere, and she will in turn see that. This is something you need to practice now and in the future!

 

You have to resolve these conflicts in a way that reaches both of your needs. If one of you is always sacrificing, or feeling bad about the outcome, then you will continue this downward spiral, and place even more distance between the two of you! All I can say, is that if you do talk, listen and understand her viewpoints. Re-iterate what she is saying to make sure you understand where she is coming from. Pointing fingers will get you nowhere