When it's your fault

[phantomwolff85]

Okay, so I just broke up with my on again off again boyfriend of 2+ years. Well, actually he broke up with me. Here's the background story.

 

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ THIS, JUST SKIP TO THE BOTTOM. WRITING IT WAS CARTHARTI TO ME.

 

We met at link removed. I was a freshman in college and he was a doctor. We hit it off great, but I had to hide the relationship from my mom because I knew she wouldn't be okay with the relationship. That was mistake #1.

Because of me lying we ended up moving together that summer when I finally told my mom the truth. Things went great for about a month. Then I got really bored and missed some of my friends. I don't drive and I was 3 hours away from home. I ended up looking at porn more than I should have and he had an issue with that. I was still being intimate with him, but he felt uncomfortable with the porn. I also lied about it initially which didn't help things. I started talking to a counselor he used and things improved. We were able to spend time together with less issues, great sex, snuggling, and good communication.

A year went by and it was the spring of my sophmore year. I was really missing living on campus. I missed the parties and the drinking. This was an issue and so we broke up for a weekend.

We then got back together and I promised to change. Unfortuanately I didn't and we broke up so I could live on campus. I broke up with him for a month and then we got back together AGAIN. I loved him and I wanted to change but I was finding it hard to deal with my issues with porn, social life, and my overall flexibility with my post college life. Basically there were major issues in a total commitment.

We broke up again in September. I met a new guy at the end of tha month. Things started really well, but he was everything my ex was not and that was not neccesarily a good thing. I ended up trying to kiss my ex and I had to break it off with this new guy.

We got back together in Novemeber of last year. Initally things were going well but then sexual intimacy fell apart and never improved. He also had issues with me seeing my family beause my mom was so unsupportive. Meanwhile I was still in counseling and finding that it was okay but not toatlly helping.

All this tension stayed with the relationship and things got rocky in May. I missed my mom and wasn't able to be intimate at all for the most part. I could however get off to porn with no problem so I was concerned about that. I asked my counselor about it but that didn't help.

My ex finally decided to call things off a week ago because I just wasn't being supportive sexually or helping around the house. I had been improving but it was too little too late.

So here I am depressed, bored, and back living with my parents. I've got one more year of colelge and then I'm probably going to grauate schooll. I don't have any friends and I'm rying my best not to do the rebound thing.

I would love to get back together with him, but I am having serious problems doing the counseling work he wants me to do.

 

 

I guess my question is how do you cope when the breakup is more your fault than the other persons and you want to get back together but don't want to make a mistake? It's most difficult because I just don't have any friends and have difficulty making them. I really don't have much of a support system.

[LostInMyThoughts]

What problems do you have doing the counseling work?

 

I wouldn't recommend changing because (as Dako so excellently put it) an Exit Interview. But if in your heart you know there is some truth, then perhaps counseling is a good idea.

 

Honestly, if given the choice between getting back with your ex-bf, and working on making friends, I would go with making friends. How have you tried to make friends? What do you think makes it hard for you to make friends?

[lvlyldy]

i honestly dont think "this is your fault". You seem like a very nice person, who cares a lot about this guy. I know you love him a lot, but maybe you two are just in totally different places in your lives? You said you started dating when you were a college freshman..and he's a doctor which means there is a huge age difference. You're just starting to figure out who you are and what you want in life... and he is already there.

 

My ex and I (he is my age) started dating freshman year. We spent all our time together and never made friends outside of eachother. I was involved in other things (clubs, classes) and am more outgoing in general so I had some people I would talk to, but never any close friends. He on the otherhand is more shy and had problems making friends, and so had only ONE person he knew at college. This caused us both a lot of stress and ended up breaking us up. Friends, and your OWN life is essential to maintain when you are in a long term relationship.

 

There is nothing wrong with you wanting a social life, and with you wanting a relationship that isnt so stressful. You're probably my age (19 or 20), and you have your whole life ahead of you. Sometimes people are just incompatable, not becuase their personalities are different, but maybe because they just want/need different things. It seems you've tried several times and the big changes havent been made becuase what needs to change is essentially WHO YOU ARE. You shouldnt have to do that for any guy, and if you cant be with him teh way you are, maybe you arent meant to be. Im sorry to say so, but you deserve to be happy, and be with someone who understands you.

 

I hope Ive helped a little, and I really hope you feel better soon... however it works out in the end, know that you will be happy if you let yourself be.

[LostInMyThoughts]

lvlyldy brings up a good point.

 

I wouldn't worry about whos fault it is. In most relationships, the fault is shared between both people (it takes two to tango.)

[JJRadical]

As someone stated this really isn't a "your fault" problem. This a YOUR PROBLEM.

 

You got alot of drama in there. Alot of noise and stimulation but it seems to always be built on sand...thats alot of energy being spent on avoiding boredom, depression, and loneliiness to only make matters worse...I became exhausted just reading your post...whew...I had to get some water...

...slooooooooooooooow your roll...counseling is only going to work if you go for you and decide to make self exploration a serious uptaking...and it takes years...you sound co-dependent...lack of friends kind of confirms this...you have to call a time-out and start looking at the big picture and start asking the questions that have no easy answers. Look at the hurricane of emotions that you go through.Time to start searching WHY the emotions you have emerge at certain situations...this is a life long process...but if you don't start the journey your going to get stuck in a really debilitating cycle

[JJRadical]

You being able to get off to porn but not in a relationship brings out your issues of trust...you use intimacy as a way of getting close but your issues of trust are with you until you start battling your demons so thats not going to work too well long term...you can orgasm to porn because you have control...your like a psychologicol 3rd degree burn victim...your healing is going to need to be done gently over along period of time...

[HardShowingAffection]

I see a few things here in your posts. First, it is important to have balance in your relationship. When you allow your life to revolve around someone else and place them in the center of your universe, when things start getting a bit rocky, it gets amplified. You need to have a balance of your bf, friends, and family. You have to persue your own happiness here as well.

 

Second, It does take two to tango. You might have contributed to some of the negative aspects in your relationship, but how the two of you have handled these problems is going ot ultimately steer the relationship. He sounds like he has been trying to help you get through some of these issues, but I think it is important that you keep those roads of communication open and flowing.

 

I think you really need to take a good look at yourself. You need to explore yourself and really love yourself before you are going to be able to extend your love to any one else. You need to understand you, and what moves you! Grow as an individual who is not dependent on anyone else, so that you are able to love yourself.

 

Try reading, or talking to others. When you get another perspective on things, it puts things in a whole new light.

 

Let me suggest a book for you. It is called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Riuz. It was an easy read, but put things in perspective for me and has changed the way I think and feel about myself. I would highly recommend it, and it is well worth the time and the $10 for the book. Check it out, I think it could help you get on the road to happiness!

 

Good luck.

[phantomwolff85]

Thanks for all the advice guys.