Should I contact him?

[fireinmybelly]

My ex and I dated for 4-1/2 mos. We've been broken up for 3-1/2 mos. He's not called me since. He did email a few times and we saw each other once in passing. He's never said that he misses me, or that he wants me back, or that he wants to talk, or anything like that. He did bring up getting together (in a group setting) twice but I said no. I didn't want us to break up but I brought it up because I felt like he wasn't that into me. He chose to end it and said that I wasn't what he was looking for. I never called or initiated contact with him after that.

 

I think the reason I want to get back in touch is to see if we can be friends. I know he'd respond. But I admit part of me also wants to show him he's wrong for not wanting me. There's times when I think I don't care if I ever see him again and others when I feel a real strong urge to get in touch.

 

So what should I do? Contact him or leave it alone? What would I say?

[teacup]

flip a coin. i always ask the coin when i just cant decide.

[fireinmybelly]

Hmm. Heads. that means I should contact him.

[teacup]

Did you decide that before or after u flipped the coin?

[serenity25]

fireinmybelly, I think its a dangerous situation and big risk considering that you are hoping to show him he was wrong for not wanting you as a girlfriend. There are a million reasons someone may decide you are not a great match for a relationship- it may even be that he doesn't feel he could ultimately live up to YOUR standards because he knows how amazing you are! You just never know, but it's dangerous to try and make them think twice because... what if you attempt that and it doesn't work? If you would initiate contact and appear to be just friends and ultimately he never has regrets, would you be ok with that or wounded once more?

 

NC may be the best until your only motive is friendship- and be honest with yourself about that. When you have hopes to make him jealous or for him to express regret, friendship is not your only motive.

 

Good luck sweetheart and post here whenever you feel the urge to contact him. We will offer you support!

[GottaLetItBurn]

So your trying to ask the people of this forum whether you should decide to start playing games with some guy that dumped you?

 

Think about it, there is no point. It's over, do you think you have some future with a guy who said that your not what he is looking for?

 

The only thing I see in this post is you trying to keep him as friends so you can have a fall back plan in your mind (which will give you confidence to go out an meet someone new). That is lame.

 

You need to cut this guy out of your life forever and move on. This gamey stuff gets old, and I think it's just a cry to have some drama in your life. You would be right to listen to the part of your brain that says to move on.

 

That line about just wanting to be friends will not work. He doesn't want to be your friend, no guy values girls friendship after they have broken up. It's a girls deperate attempt to try and use a guy after she has been dumped. There would be no point.

[fireinmybelly]

Thanks to all of you for your replies.

 

I don't get the game stuff, though. It's not like I'd be misleading him or toying with his feelings by contacting him. He's not given indication that he wants to pursue a relationship with me. He's up for casual dating at most. But what's the point is a good question. I guess the point is I miss him and it'd be nice to have him in my life - even just as friends. I know it's not headed anywhere, but it's not like I wanna marry him either. I think we both realize that we aren't "the one" for each other. But if it's true that a guy doesn't value a girl's friendship after breaking up with them, then that definitely makes me think twice about the whole thing.

 

And Serenity's so right, anyway, I know. I should probably wait until friendship is my only motive because as things stand when I think that he doesn't miss me the same way, that I'm probably the last thing on his mind, and that he's moving on not looking back, well, those thoughts really sting.

[GottaLetItBurn]

So now your getting somewhere. I'm trying to show you what this looks like from a mans point of view.

 

You do not just want to be "just friends".

 

You want to be around him because you miss him, and miss him in a romantic sense???

 

Your saying you feel rejected and want to be around him so some how he will magically think that he has feelings for you and come back like one big fairytale.

 

It's better just to stay away, if your not together anymore, it's done forever. Best case sounds like you would just get feelings for him and then feel even worse that he hasn't changed. Once you have had one romantic moment with someone you can never be "just friends" with them again.

 

 

EDIT: I hate sounding so shallow too, but you have to know that most of the time men are only driven by sex. When he thinks about being your friend it's because he thinks one day there will be a chance where you slip up and come onto him and then he'll get what he wants. That's just the way we are wired. Even if some small part of him actually cares about you he will always just want sex in a friends with benefits relatisonship. Then you will start to have feelings all over and get hurt.

[phantomwolff85]

I have to disagree. You can be friends with exes, but be honest to yourself about what you want if you decide to have contact with a person after you break up. If you want something more than just being friends tread lightly. I wish you luck.