Am I Being Manipulated By This Guy!!????

[CaliGirl77]

My BF of 1 1/2 yrs, has recently been acting overly nice to me........He told me last month that I left my email open (not a chance) on his laptop one day and so he read all of my emails.......Well, because of his strange behavior and in the past he did cheat on me, I decided to do something pretty LOW and go into his email account. I guessed his password and got in!!!

 

To my surprise, my BF has been emailing an EX (from 10 years ago who is married) back and forth for the last couple months. Emails were innocent, but lengthy (I'm not as lucky), but he did tell her that "she was the love of his life, the one that got away, and he considered them soulmates, even though he was currently in a relationship (me). Miss you and think about you every day. Hugs and Kisses XXXXOOOOO"

 

Wow! Was I mad........I confronted him, and he denied it. I don't like being lied to or deceived, so, I broke it off.

 

It has been a week now, and he calls me last night to "talk". He tells me that even though it all looked very bad to me at the time, they are just really good friends and he is trying to get stuff off his chest with her. (In a nutshell)

 

He also mentioned, more than once, that he loves me very much, and still does, but is unsure what will happen next between us, because he is not sure what I am thinking (about the whole situation).

 

So, as it stands, I am wondering If he is being honest about this EX being really good friends with him, and if so, why did he hide it?

 

I know I invaded his privacy and so I apologized to him for what I did. And he told me he never read my emails, he only said that to get a "reaction" from me.

 

But..........I do know that he is very good at manipulation and getting his way, and this story seems like ploy to buy time and get me back, as he has done before. But part of me wants to believe him. I guess I am pretty confused.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[RayKay]

Hey Cali,

 

Welcome to enotalone!

 

Yikes, well, yes, snooping was bad, and I won't condone it, on either of your sides! But, now that you have the information, I think you at least admitted it, and dealt with it upfront with him.

 

I would be pretty torn up if I found something like that honestly with someone I loved and believed was my partner. Actually, now that I think about it, I can recall something similar happening with an ex of mine (it was not snooping, but rather an overheard conversation I don't think I was meant to hear!). And actually, I was on another side of this not THAT long ago when an old old ex of mine (whom had been with a girl for the past 10 years) said something "similar" to me. I was pretty shocked, considering I had not even seen him in 10 years. Anyway, I did NOT return those feelings!

 

He may love you, but it sounds like he is still pretty held on to the past. If she is the "one that got away" to him, what does that make you to him? And I am sure that is something that has gone through your head a few times! The denial and lying of course is even worse.

 

I guess, I would be hesitant to get back together with him. Why settle for someone whom still thinks someone ELSE is the one? Bleh, you can find someone whom knows YOU are their one.

 

Based on not only this, but his apparent deceit as well. But of course, I am not you, and I don't know him....so I would suggest you balance what your heart, mind and gut are telling you.

 

RayKay

[CaliGirl77]

Thanks for the reply.

 

Yeah, I did ask the "who am I" question, and he said that I was not meant to see that and it had nothing to do with "us". He said it was something he was dealing with and had to get it off his chest.

 

I don't know at this point.

 

But, I wonder if he planned what he said to me, just to test the waters. i know some people do that. I hate it when people play games.

[Iceman26]

BS. He and his ex broke up 10 years ago. I don't buy that line of garbage about "getting stuff of his chest", and even if he did, he should be single while he figures that out, not stringing someone along. Furthermore, if he cared about her at all, he would leave her alone.

 

You know this guy is a manipulator, and you caught him with an email like that. Drop him, unless you like being second best to his ex. Good luck.

[patience]

I agree, he is manipulative

do you feel that your heart is safe with this man?

[CaliGirl77]

When were are together, my heart feels safe, but I feel like he hides things from me, and when I ask him (out of concern), he says "Baby, I tell you everything"..........until he gets caught.

 

I am sad and in shock, because a part of me feels like he is not who he portrays himself to be, which is pure EVIL. I would never do such a thing to someone I claim to love.

[patience]

I think that you should honour what your intuition is telling you.

You have proof that he hides things from you.

He is choosing to be dishonest and manipulative.

 

Do your friends/family think he is manipulative? Have others noticed? Sometimes we doubt our own perceptions, but our friends notice stuff we either don't want to see or can't see because our emotions get in the way.

[CaliGirl77]

Everyone thinks he is the nicest guy and I have been told by so many (his friends and mine) of how much he talks about me and I am the best thing that's happened to him and he is so in love with me.

 

So, this is why I am BAFFLED.

[patience]

hmmmm

 

maybe he is a 'charmer'...sometimes they fool a lot of people

 

has he ever cheated on you? flirted with others in front of you? is he committment phobic? has he cheated on past girlfriends?

[CaliGirl77]

Yes, He cheated on my 1 year ago with a girl he met on Myspace - he actually flew to Canada to be with her a couple days.

 

I found out, dumped him, and a week later he came back with all the sorries and "baby, it was stupid, blah, blah, blah....."

 

When I got into his email, I discovered they emailed eachother a couple times too - very harmless - but he told me they were NOT in contact.

 

I get the feeling he is a charmer too. It hurts so bad - he seemed like a great guy and because I am gullible and he knows it.

 

*** Never flirts in front of me -

 

*** He said "I LOVE U" first, gave me a diamond necklace and told me I'm the ONE

 

*** He professed his love for me a couple months after dating/meeting and babbled on and on about how he used to be a certain way, but not anymore, and I am the ONLY ONE, and he has no desire nor the time to look for anyone else (never looked me in the eye while he said any of this) - but then he cheated on me a couple months after this!!!

[coollady1957]

Yes this guy is feeding you a line of BS big time. I feel he has proved already what kind of guy he is. I wouldn't trust him at all , in my opinion. Trust your gut and intuition.

 

This guy is definitely a charmer/ smooth talker, and Patience is right,,,, he is fooling you. Alot of people are like that. I had one of those smooth talkers before and it is not worth it. I did all the taking him back and hoping that he had corrected his behavior. Didn't work.

 

I would advise you to break up and stay broken up with him. Find some one deserving of you and that will treat you like you should be treated.

[Beyondthesea]

Wow, he flew to Canada to be with some chick he met on myspace? Yeah, he's not worth it.

 

I realize you checked his email, but you should have found nothing. It's been 10 years and he gave her all sorts of lines...he's trying to get back with her or have some sort of affair.

 

He's a drama queen, drop him. He has also cheated on you in the past and seems he's lining up someone for the future. Tell him strict no contact and move on.

[Hope75]

Hey Girl,

 

I think in this instance your gut instinct is right. This guy has cheated on you before and lied to you before and you basically caught him red handed in a lie and he tried to cover it up, though not very successfully.

 

I am sure that you love him and that this is very hard to accept and part of you wants to believe him because you care and it's hard to understand why someone who claims to love you would do this, BUT.... I don't buy his line of "trying to get it off his chest" either. I think if he could he would be with this ex of his and he was basically letting her know this.

 

You deserve someone who feels like YOU are the one and wouldn't dream of hurting you the way he already has.

 

Aren't you worth more?

[whatchamacallit]

does anyone have a list of what are manipulative behaviors? I am in a relationship with a person that I think is manipulative, but would like other's opinions of what manipulative is. Guess I'm not trusting my own definition.

 

Thanks

[RayKay]

Alright, this only makes me want to add to my further post.

 

Get away from this guy. Past experience has told you he just brushes things off as major as cheating as "stupid" and tries to win you back over.

 

He got his way before, and believes he can again.

 

 

 

I knew a guy that said this to every woman he dated. Sucks doesn't it? Now, there are men whom WILL only say it to one...but a good sign it mightn't be real is if he says it every early...and his actions don't match. I would not give it much credit when his actions CLEARLY betrayed those feelings. He cheated on his supposed "ONE". Bleh.

 

I think he was feeling out the ex, and trying to charm her honestly. Nothing to do with getting it off his chest. And even if he was, it is still saying that his thoughts of you are not what YOU deserve.

 

You can do way better.

[CaliGirl77]

I believe a MANIPULATOR to be someone who tries to get another person to act or feel a certain way. This can be done through actions or verbal communication.

 

Everyone is different. My EX was a pretty quiet guy, but he hid alot from me.

 

And when the guy seems too good to be true, and you never see or hear about anything negative in their life, they ARE TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

 

No one is perfect! Not even me.

 

Thanks to everyone for their input. I can honestly say that I feel so much better and next time MR. MANIPULATOR calls me, I will not answer. Hopefully, he'll get the picture.

 

Take care all

[Sad_now]

A manipulator is someone who uses people's emotions and desires against them in order to control them or get from them what he wants. Essentially, he messes with your head.

 

He lies. He deliberately witholds information, He feeds you incorrect information. He puts up an elaborate front to make you think and feel a certain way. All this to control you and get an upper hand in the relationship.

 

Example: This ***** guy was seeing me and a friend AT THE SAME TIME. My friend wanted to start a family. I wanted to spend time with him to get to know him better. Later we found that with her, he had been discussing how beautiful their kids would be. With me he had been talking about travelling and seeing the world together. Classic manipulation of desires.

 

These guys will say WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR NOT WHAT THEY MEAN. And since most NORMAL people are not suspicious or bitter, we tend to believe them. And that's how it all starts. Of course, if they mess with you long enough (as in my case) you just get caught in a vicious, draining cycle of lies and tears and more lies. The reason he said you were the 'One' was because he thinks that is what you want. In reality, he didn't act like you were the one by cheating on you!

 

You said his behaviour is confusing you. That is the FIRST step of a manipulator: to confuse the other person, and to cloud their reasoning and judgement. From experience you won't be able to do a THING. Because if you sit down with him to clarify things, you will be fed lies or at best half-truths.

 

In a nutshell, a manipulator will seek to confuse you and throw you off balance, so you become dependent on him. Once this dependency is complete, he will totally screw you over (or maybe I'm bitter, but I do speak from experience, unfortunately).