Should we be friends???

[finsjm]

Ok - my ex and I just talked yesterday after a week of NC. It was good till we started talking about 'the stuff' then he got weird. Totally understandable - but he says he does not want a relationship from anyone - mind you he proposed 2 weeks ago. He wants to be friends and I have never done that before. I am not sure if I should so I figured I would take it on a day to day basis and see how I handle it. Either way it sucks and I'm hurt! He lives in CA and will be home in 2 1/2 weeks - says he wants to get together. He is a nice person, just has a lot of issues which makes me realize that the breakup may be a good thing right now. Until we get over our 'stuff' individually we can't really be together. We rushed into the relationship which makes me feel that maybe friends is an ok thing. any thoughts?? Thanks!

[Vert]

IMO you can NEVER be just friends with your ex's... Why? Well, it's never the same, and even years later when you see that person it still conjures up some sort of emotional response. Even so, you owe it to your significant other at the time (if there is one) not to engage in any kind of friendship with ex's. I see it as honoring that person by not allowing them to feel jealous or guilty in any way.

 

Personally I think if you're trying to be friends with an ex then you still want to be with that person.

[agent1607307371]

I think you might be using the friends relationship as a way to get back together.

 

I wouldn't be friends until you can offer him that without the hope of anyhting more. It wouldn't be fair to put yourself through that when he may never ask you to come back to him.

 

Go NC for a while- longer than a week, sort your issues out for yourself and then see how you feel about being friends with him.

[xblondyx]

I disagree with Vert. You CAN be friends with an ex if you want to be. I'm close friends with a few of my ex's, i can talk to them about anything and the past is not an issue with us.

 

I do however agree that sometimes, being friends is hard. Especially if you are hurting and not over the person. I thereforeeee think you guys shouldn't be friends until you are fully over him other wise it could just end up with you being even more hurt.

 

Perhaps in the future you could be friends, who knows, just not right now.

[finsjm]

Thanks everyone - appreciate the advice. I know he wants nothing more and the way I look at it is I will take it day by day. He proposed then broke up with me!! I love him but am seriously questioning if this is the right person to be with anyway!! We'll see!!

[Vert]

I disagree with Vert. You CAN be friends with an ex if you want to be. I'm close friends with a few of my ex's, i can talk to them about anything and the past is not an issue with us.

 

I do however agree that sometimes, being friends is hard. Especially if you are hurting and not over the person. I thereforeeee think you guys shouldn't be friends until you are fully over him other wise it could just end up with you being even more hurt.

 

Perhaps in the future you could be friends, who knows, just not right now.

 

IMO many women always want to be friends and can remain as such if they are completely over the guy. Most men can't be "just friends" as they see a woman that they'd had an intimate relationship with (not just physical, but a mental and spiritual one) and also that most men never see most women as "just friends". I personally know that being friends with my ex's is not an option because then I'd basically see them naked in my mind every time (it's tough for men to lose those images because we are sight based creatures). I'm over both of them by all means, but that doesn't mean that my mind still wouldn't conjure something up. I'd rather avoid that and just leave my ex's alone.

[jchan]

IMO many women always want to be friends and can remain as such if they are completely over the guy. Most men can't be "just friends" as they see a woman that they'd had an intimate relationship with (not just physical, but a mental and spiritual one) and also that most men never see most women as "just friends". I personally know that being friends with my ex's is not an option because then I'd basically see them naked in my mind every time (it's tough for men to lose those images because we are sight based creatures). I'm over both of them by all means, but that doesn't mean that my mind still wouldn't conjure something up. I'd rather avoid that and just leave my ex's alone.

 

very true very true indeed. That's why i have learned. I can talk to them, I can do the actions of what friends do, but cannot really be friends with them.

[Roxari]

I think the problem with being "just friends" after a breakup is that most people were never really friends before they started dating. You can't go from intimate to friendship without ever being friends in the first place. A friend takes time. You must be able to be at a point where your heart does not break everytime you hear their voice and you don't wish just to see them one more time and hold out hope that you can get back together.

Even still most people claim to want to be friends as an excuse to hold on. Think about what the person has done to you and then say to yourself "if this were someone else, would I want to be their friend?". Most of the qualities we want in a friend are someone who is honest, trustworthy and you know you can depend on to support you. Can your ex do that? Did they do that?

 

It is common to miss that persons companionship, but being friends with them will get you where? Casual and civil if you ever have to talk to them yes, but not someone you would invite over for dinner and hang out with.