Why do 'other girls' bother me so much?

[xmrth]

I feel like I'm sitting around doing nothing if he goes out and there's girls there-- like where am I? Even though for him it's the same thing with me because what starts out a 10 minute thing could have the opposite gender tagging along or showing up and little situations like that. Or even at work, or this or that, whatever.

 

I don't want him to care, but why doesn't he care with it being the other way around? I just want him all to myself...

 

I know I've heard this 1,000 times on here, and I agree that things don't change just because of it, but in my case I -strongly- feel that when we're married I'll feel more secure with him because he's all mine through law and through religion and all of that. But that's not happening for another couple/few years because I've got 3 semesters left of college and zero dollars. =\ It really adds to the insecurity too... //edit- oh, and of course live with eachother, and literally "come home" to eachother...//

There's ways I know I should be feeling secure, but I can't shift my thinking.

 

 

And no, I think I should change it because I keep getting asked, haha. It's just an avatar from livejournal. I figure it was fashion magazine enough, but I'll put my own up when I get my film developed.

[DN]

I just want him all to myself...

Martha, this is understandable with someone you love but it is a huge mistake to act on it in any way. No relationship could sustain that sort of dependency.

 

You have been told this before and it is really good advice - get some friends of your own to spend time with - and also try and make friends as a couple with other couples.

 

I cannot emphasise enough how important it is not to wrap your whole life, especially your social life, around a partner - it is a fundamental error.

[xmrth]

I don't do that. I have my own friends. I'm talking about between me and other girls around him.

[xmrth]

I don't know what to do to get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach about it.

 

I'm sorry I keep talking about it in here, but it's interfering with my life... I did nothing today but get sulky and nervous.

 

Then I think of the guys I'm friendly with who have girlfriends that I'm also friends with... and I think hmmm I wonder how they feel, even though we're friends (the girlfriend and I)? And ALLL the other girls going through the same thing...

 

And you've all clarified it's completely normal and natural for boyfriends to talk to girls... but I get upset.

 

Maybe it's just something I have to exercise in my mind, but I don't know.

[annie24]

I think millions of people around the world can attest to this: even if you are legally married to someone or even just living with them, that doesn't make them all yours or not prone to cheating. Lots of people are married with kids and cheating on their spouses. So a marriage ceremony and a piece of paper from the state aren't going to keep your man from straying or whatever. And plus, many women hit on married men anyways.

 

It's all on the inside and your devotion to each other. You just have to trust him.

 

I can assure you that your anxieties won't go away once you walk down the aisle and are living together. I think you have to come to grips with them on your own.

[xmrth]

That's very true, Annie. I think it would help but in reality I agree, I'd still have to deal with my insecurities themselves for them to go away.

 

I don't think he'll cheat; just leave me for someone else or want "others."

 

My problem right now is I feel like I want to call him up and be like "I'm coming over" to prevent him from going out if he does... I feel all this urgency because one of the guys we both hung out with this weekend has these female friends, and I feel like if he asks my boyfriend to stop by for a beer or go out for one I know they'll be there.

I told him yesterday, hey call me down if you do anything, and he said he's too tired from work to go out this week anyway afterwards, but even *I* do little stop by's to see my friends on my own.

 

I have always had this fear but things like this definitely amplify it. I don't want to call him and invite myself over to get him to not be able to stop by anywhere... it's so crazy to feel like that. What can I do? Just... leave him alone and suck it up-- something that may not even happen anyway?

[annie24]

What has your therapist said about this? Has she given you any techniques to get past this?

 

If you don't think your boyfriend will cheat, then why do you think that being married will keep him even farther away from other women?

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Honey do you have a life outside of this man? Sounds like that's the cure for your problems, learn to put your life and goals first and then maybe these " little" worry's won't seem quite so large or bothersome. Sure worked for me...

[xmrth]

I certainly do have a life outside of him. It seems to help me to not get so afraid when I'm busy --out of my mind busy, like during my semesters. Now that I'm out, I seem to think more.

 

When I was seeing my college's therapist, we came to a semi-conclusion that I am less anxious or "wondering" about what he's up to when I'm too busy and stressed with school.

 

Hopefully I'll get this full-time job this summer-- I think that might help me not have enough time to think.

 

Going out with friends helps but... sometimes it doesn't, I don't know.

[xmrth]

I'm still feeling this way a week later.

 

Part of me feels like since I'm not used to him being around other girls makes it hard, but then I think, well maybe girls have been around him more than I think, so no matter what it's no different...?

 

I guess I feel he'd like something better in someone else, too. Or all these other crazy thoughts I can think of.

[Sonalika]

Hi,

 

I guess the most important thing to do is to love and respect yourself a little more than u do now. You need to take out time for yourself and think of a life beyond him. What if he is not there with you tomorrow? You cant possibly stop living!! The lesser u think about it, the happier you will be. Keep yourself busy..

 

I can relate to your problem so much because even i felt the same way about my bf (now husband). But the worst part was when I realised a fortnight before our wedding that he was actually involved with one of his so called 'friends'.. Though that girl is married and lives in another country, I felt devastated. But I still chose to marry him and put in my best efforts to make this relationship work as I love him so much.

 

I dont know how far it will work but I have promised myself that I will never lose my self esteem.