How To Not Feel Foolish In Breaking No Contact

[PlayBrat]

Hey forum. I haven't posted here in quite a while.

 

I was wondering what you all thought about sending my ex of 7 months

a birthday wish via email. His birthday is at the end of June and there has been No Contact for close to 4 months. I am pretty much over him ut I don't want him to think I haven't moved on either....or that the email implies more than it is.

 

Would most of you respond to a birthday wish from an ex after a period of NC? I just don't want to feel foolish. I am also not exactly sure what to say, aside from "Happy Birthday". Oh , if it helps, I WOULD like to find out how he is doing and to open the lines of communication again, in the least intrusive way. Any advice is appreciated!!

[Dako]

Why risk it? Look out for yourself.

It's not called No Contact Except for Birthdays, Christmas or Ramadan.

[BONO]

 

 

I am pretty much over him ut I don't want him to think I haven't moved on either........................................................................................................................................

 

Oh , if it helps, I WOULD like to find out how he is doing and to open the lines of communication again, in the least intrusive way.

 

 

Are you over him or do you want to get back ??

 

Scruff

[PlayBrat]

I would like to get back together eventually. I think I'm strong enough to contact him...but I know it would have to progress slowly again.

[pablovblack]

yeah send it, I'm gonna send one to my ex on 23rd august even if she hates me or whatever, it shows maturity and respect. Just watch out you dont get hurt, be on yoru toes.

[PlayBrat]

Maybe I should have also asked HOW do you initiate a conversation in asking someone (assuming they are single) if they are willing to give you another chance to be friends...without sounding desperate or pathetic? I am neither...I want to convey that I truly WANT him in my life again, but that I won't fall apart if it doesn't happen.

[BONO]

yeah send it, I'm gonna send one to my ex on 23rd august even if she hates me or whatever, it shows maturity and respect. Just watch out you dont get hurt, be on yoru toes.

 

 

True, true.

 

But I feel that you have to be certain that having *maturity and respect* is not a pretext on their birthday to getting them back through contact.

 

What happens if they dont reply ?? Can you take further rejection ??

 

What happens if they do reply ?? Is this a sign that they want to get back ???

 

Is it not the case that it will take more strengh and maturity not to break NC and show them that you are moving on, thus poentially becoming more attractive?? ( I wonder why my ex has not send me a card hmmmmm )

 

A friend of mine was hoping his ex was going to send him a card/ message on his b'dy. He got zip ! As such I think he was a little gutted about it.

[pablovblack]

True, true.

 

But I feel that you have to be certain that having *maturity and respect* is not a pretext on their birthday to getting them back through contact.

 

What happens if they dont reply ?? Can you take further rejection ??

 

What happens if they do reply ?? Is this a sign that they want to get back ???

 

Is it not the case that it will take more strengh and maturity not to break NC and show them that you are moving on, thus poentially becoming more attractive?? ( I wonder why my ex has not send me a card hmmmmm )

 

A friend of mine was hoping his ex was going to send him a card/ message on his b'dy. He got zip ! As such I think he was a little gutted about it.

 

Your right!

 

You really must be able to handle any outcome and be totally sure its something you want to do.

 

If you can handle rejection then its fine, If you want to read more into doing it and you dont think it will get you your ex back then dont do it.

 

It truly depends on your situation at hand, for example my ex loves presents and treats and is really soppy with all that stuff, so I think sending her a little card wishing her the best on her 21st in August would be a good thing for a few reasons.

She will be happy, she may spare a thought for the past good times we shared and also she will be chuffed that I remembered.

Remembering things like that goes such a long way with girlys.

I mean even if she has moved on she will be reminded of me being at least someone who still thinks about her and even if she has a bloke he's gonna be a little intimidated (which I wouldnt mind in the slightest, Im sick like that) and also her family will be like oh that's sweet etc etc.

I mean its the 24th of May now and if Im not with by that time theres' little chance it will ever by salvaged so why not, I'm a deffo gonna do it...

 

This is just my personal situation and opinion of course.

[PlayBrat]

Ok...point taken.

 

I'm not really a fan of playing games. I really WOULD like to wish him a happy birthday...I miss him.

 

I would like to be honest with him to be truthful.

I have no problem with telling him I would like him to reconsider

a friendship with me again. Part of the reason we had a falling out was because I had a lot of issues I was dealing with last year..that I have finally begun to resolve..thus being in a MUCH better frame of mind.

Although I am still not ready for a "relationship" I am willing to try

getting to know him again, slowly, as I know he would need time to trust me again.

 

I would like to send him an email telling him this..of course in much better terms.....any advice?

[Bethany]

I'm afraid I am with Dako on this one.

 

Seeing as he dumped you and has not been in touch with you for 7 months I think you should finally accept that it's over and move on.

 

It could be even worse than "bad timing" as you said in an early post and you are putting yourself at risk for what? A man who used the "bad timing" excuse, did a runner and never came back.

He may even have a new GF and you could look a fool and get hurt by either his words of rejection on no reply at all, so why risk it?

Instead get out of the house, stop dwelling on him and find someone who wants to be with you.

 

Look after your heart, he most certanly isn't anymore.

[BONO]

Bingo.

 

If he wants to come back, he will.

 

 

 

 

I'm afraid I am with Dako on this one.

 

Seeing as he dumped you and has not been in touch with you for 7 months I think you should finally accept that it's over and move on.

 

It could be even worse than "bad timing" as you said in an early post and you are putting yourself at risk for what? A man who used the "bad timing" excuse, did a runner and never came back.

He may even have a new GF and you could look a fool and get hurt by either his words of rejection on no reply at all, so why risk it?

Instead get out of the house, stop dwelling on him and find someone who wants to be with you.

 

Look after your heart, he most certanly isn't anymore.

[tylercdurden2004]

Only send it IF you intend on just being friends. Which you dont because you already said you would like to get back together at some point. If you did send one may a quick email one.

 

Dako: Do the rules for NC cover Kwanzaa, and full moon late night sheep sacrifices?

[PlayBrat]

You have a good point Beth. It was bad timing. I then moved out of state, and even if he DID attempt to contact me, he couldn't as my email account was cancelled and my numbers disconnected. I truly DID move on.

 

I know there are a lot of NC advocates here. I agree with the reasons we should initially do NC...but how would we know if things can work out if we never risk trying again? I personally believe a long period of NC IS necessary. I know the stats are in favor of maintaining NC, but when do you know it's ok to try again?

[pablovblack]

I personally believe a long period of NC IS necessary. I know the stats are in favor of maintaining NC, but when do you know it's ok to try again?

 

I know what your saying exactly, I feel like I need to NC too but I know Im going to want to contact her as soon as I'm ready, and I will have to be ready because no way am I getting hurt again..

[opiate92]

When is your birthday? I think the real test is if the dumper wishes the dumped a happy birthday. I was dumped and then a month later my birthday came and I got nothing from my ex - it was one of the hardest days of my life. Her birthday was last friday - originally I'd planned to send her something - but after six weeks of no contact (and knowing she's got a new boyfriend) I didn't see the point.

 

Guys aren't as in control of their emotions as girls. Now I know that might sound like a weird statement because girls are "emotional." Girls are emotional because that is their way of controlling their world - they use emotions (and their affects on others) like men use money and dominance. If your boyfriend really wanted you back he'd have slipped up some time in seven months and broken contact. When I got dumped I couldn't keep up NC for more than three weeks before I made the mistake and "had" to call her. If he still loved you he wouldn't be able to keep it under control. You'd know. Because we try to work things out logically guys don't wait a long time to make decisions either. If he hasn't come to decide he wants you in seven months I doubt he is ever going to. It's better if you just move on (believe me I know this is so much harder than it sounds).

 

If sending a card will make you feel better as a human being to be nice.. then go ahead. But don't expect to ever get any response... and if anything be prepared for a negative response. Are you prepared to hear about the new girlfriend and how he's happier now? I made that mistake (breaking no contact) and the response from her put me into therapy. If you really do want to get back together - don't send it.

 

I'm not saying any of this to be harsh - I just want to suggest that taking this action will probably only bring you more pain - and the result you desire is probably a fantasy at this point. Maybe spend some time investigating why you still want to be with this guy that hasn't contacted you in seven months. Investing in yourself at this point is going help you a lot more.

[kickedwhereithurts]

It truly depends on your situation at hand, for example my ex loves presents and treats and is really soppy with all that stuff, so I think sending her a little card wishing her the best on her 21st in August would be a good thing for a few reasons.

She will be happy, she may spare a thought for the past good times we shared and also she will be chuffed that I remembered.

Remembering things like that goes such a long way with girlys.

 

Mate, your playing with fire with that one!

Yes "girlies" like all that stuff, however, they like it coming from the people they want to be with.

If she does not want to be with you, and gets this present, it wont make her feel happy, it will annoy her or make her feel guilty which will then turn into anger and may push any good thoughts of you that she may have had, further away.

She may also think, oh my god, look at this desperate saddo doing this after this time!......consider both sides before doing stuff like this.

[kickedwhereithurts]

Mate, your playing with fire with that one!

Yes "girlies" like all that stuff, however, they like it coming from the people they want to be with.

If she does not want to be with you, and gets this present, it wont make her feel happy, it will annoy her or make her feel guilty which will then turn into anger and may push any good thoughts of you that she may have had, further away.

She may also think, oh my god, look at this desperate saddo doing this after this time!......consider both sides before doing stuff like this.

 

Okay I mis-read your post.

I now see you said CARD rather than PRESENT!....not as bad although the same principals can still appply.

[haley999]

I'm not really a fan of playing games. I really WOULD like to wish him a happy birthday...I miss him.

 

I would like to be honest with him to be truthful.

I have no problem with telling him I would like him to reconsider

a friendship with me again. Part of the reason we had a falling out was because I had a lot of issues I was dealing with last year..that I have finally begun to resolve..thus being in a MUCH better frame of mind.

Although I am still not ready for a "relationship" I am willing to try

getting to know him again, slowly, as I know he would need time to trust me again.

 

I would like to send him an email telling him this..of course in much better terms.....any advice?

 

It seems like you kind of are playing games. If you want to be nice and see if he would be up for talking to you (it doesn't seem like he is) then just send him a "Happy Birthday" e-mail. DON'T include a bunch of "I want to be your friend," and "Let's try again" language. That's incredibly manipulative since you have no reason to suspect that he has thought of you at all.

 

If someone who I haven't spoken to in 4 months sent me an e-mail - expressing their wish to try again - like that on my birthday I would be upset.

 

It is unfair to "corner" him into interacting with you (via responding to your e-mail) leaving him with the precarious position of either ignoring it (may seem rude to him if he is a nice gut), breaking your heart again (not nice to put him in a "bad guy" position, esp. on his birthday), or lying to you to avoid a confrontation.

 

Send him the e-mail saying "Happy Birthday, Hope it's a Good One! Insert name." That's it and expect nothing more. If he doesn't responf, or responds with, "Thanks!" and nothing more, as in prompting you to write back, etc., asking how things are going, then drop it. If he can't handle minimal e-mail contact with you, then he doesn't want any contact.

 

Be aware that this may spark a relapse from you of the hurt feelings and you may very well not get aht you want out of this. If he does enter into an e-mail banter with you, DON"T TALK ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP AT ALL - kep it light and get to know each other. GO SLOW - what's the rush if it's meant to last? It may take a LONG time before he would be willing to see you or even think about a reconciliation. To jump right into a "talk" about whether to have a friendship (just do it don't talk about it) or a relationship after NC for 4 months will scare him off.

 

That being said, in response to the post about men will always call if they want you- not necessarily. I split with my finacee for 3 months. I called and asked him to dinner and we went. Had a nice casual time and after the meal he said "I have missed you every day and want to try again." He admitted that he was so confused when we split, and confused that I went NC, that he thought I didn't really care and that I was done and moved on. He wouldn't have called and said "Let's get back together" for fear that it would upset me and him. So, you never know. H.

[kickedwhereithurts]

That being said, in response to the post about men will always call if they want you- not necessarily. I split with my finacee for 3 months. I called and asked him to dinner and we went. Had a nice casual time and after the meal he said "I have missed you every day and want to try again." He admitted that he was so confused when we split, and confused that I went NC, that he thought I didn't really care and that I was done and moved on. He wouldn't have called and said "Let's get back together" for fear that it would upset me and him. So, you never know. H.

 

BIG

Let it be said that there is hope for some!

 

BUT, did you dump him initially?

[PlayBrat]

Oh boy..we went back and forth for a while. We both had a lot of issues. He ended it the final time though. It's complicated.

 

Haley, thanks for the insightful reply..especially the last part. I know he would not have contacted me even if he wanted to. I know it's not his style.

 

I think my best course of action is to simply wish him a warm Happy Birthday, wish him the best and expect no reply....I'll keep you all posted. Thanks!

[almostgolden]

I'm sending a birthday message to him online. I'm not calling or sending a birthday card directly to him because now that he's involved with someone, I don't know how "she" would like it if I sented him a birthday card. I don't think he would really appreciate a present, card cos he never reponded to my emails, or other recent holiday cards in the mail I've sented. So I'm just sending a sweet, simple message on facebook just say something like " Hey" I hope you have a great birthday"

[haley999]

Not sure if the question about the break up was for me or the OP but I will answer anyway

 

He broke up with mein late January. We were fighting a ton - and I was weepy and clingy and, well unhappy. He said he had no more chances and told me to let go. I did. Once I did, we were able to reconnect on a more mature and stable level. Been great so far

[Scout]

PlayBrat, having looked over your previous threads about this man, I honestly suggest not sending it. First, I don't think you have truly let go of him, and second, most of the times you emailed him in the past, he did not respond back. I think you're just setting yourself up for more frustration and a major setback in your healing if you try to contact him again. It appears he's really moved on, and in fact, did so some time ago.

 

But what about you? Have you tried dating others in the past seven months? Maybe we can come up with some ideas to help you really finally let go of this guy.

[PlayBrat]

Yes, Scout it was not the best of endings...since then things have changed dramatically. On MY end anyway. Yes, he may not want to hear from me, and he may NOT respond, but that's ok. I won't fall apart because of it. If he does he does ..if not then oh well....I have my answer. My past posts probably do not put me in a very favorable light regarding this guy. I'm not looking for the "green light" in contacting him..I am simply saying I am in a much better place NOW as opposed as I was then....and I DO believe timing is everything with relationships.

[Scout]

Well, I didn't think you were seeking a green light from us, but I did assume you wanted our opinions and that you were worried you could end up with some negative feelings if you went ahead and contacted him:

 

I was wondering what you all thought about sending my ex of 7 months a birthday wish via email. His birthday is at the end of June and there has been No Contact for close to 4 months. I am pretty much over him ut I don't want him to think I haven't moved on either....or that the email implies more than it is.

 

Would most of you respond to a birthday wish from an ex after a period of NC? I just don't want to feel foolish.

 

You may not want to hear this, but personally, I think you are in denial if you think you will be ok if he doesn't respond, or that you won't over-react and read too much into it if he does respond. It seems you are holding out hope that enough time has changed that he may be more open to a relationship. In my experience, if a guy does change his mind about that kind of thing, he usually gets in touch.

 

I wouldn't say you are portrayed unfavorably in your previous threads. We've all been in relationships we really wanted to work, but the other party simply didn't have the same desire/commitment. It just seems you tried really hard and he consistently ignored your attempts at communication. Seven months have gone by, and still no word from him. It appears that would be sufficient answer enough, but if it isn't, I can only hope you won't get too hurt if he doesn't respond again.