Does he have the right to judge a person's virgnity?

[Jitrenda]

Hey All, i have question.

 

This guy that i like...the long-distance guy. Asked me if i was a virgin or not. And he went on to say he would only date a virgin. And i really really like him.

 

I should also mention...he believes in sex after marriage...he believes that sex can wait until after marriage and be shared completely by the two people in question.

 

I do believe in sex after marriage myself...but i did have a choice in losing my virginity.

 

And he said that if he liked this girl and she was not a virgin, depending on the circumstances, he would forgive her.

 

I am frustrated he would judge a person's virginity. I mean what if they didn't have a choice in the fact?

 

I did tell him that he was a little close minded and he doesn't have the right to judge whether or not they choice to lose it or are forced to lose it *(like sexual abuse or rape).

 

I did tell him my status of my virginity. And i am still upset. I just can't believe he would judge their right to have sex.

 

He realized that i was sorta right and apologized for asking that. But for some reason i am still upset.

 

I am not a virgin...though not by choice. I was raped. I am not proud of that...it's very humilating.

 

The good thing is that he will still date me...but i am still upset by his view on that...am i just crazy? I really like him...but it is just harshness that view.

 

My friend says that "anyone has the right to judge anyone" but isn't that what we as a whole in this world are trying to not do...treat everyone as equals?

 

But getting back to the point: Does he have that right to judge whether a woman has lost her virginity or not? I am upset only b/c i lost mine and i didn't have the choice, otherwise i would still be.

 

I hope all of this makes sense!

 

Thank you all for your time and patience and for your replies...this may be a toughie.

 

-faith

[raggedy]

Allright then, All ppl judge other ppl. It´s just the way things go. But did you think about that maybe this is an religious issue? Or some emotional problem he has? Maybe you should be glad that he actually told you this before this got worse. I think you should talk to him about the reason he only wants to date a virgin. And try not to judge him for his judging

[Jitrenda]

Right...i should have mentioned that.

 

Yes, it is a religious thing. And it may be an emotional problem. I am glad he told me this...but i am worried too...and his reason for dating a virgin is b/c of marriage.

 

He said, "I feel I'm against the sex before marriage, I feel that if 2 people are truly in love each other, that sex can wait. "

 

So there it is...does that help?

 

i hope so...please let me know and thx for the advice to all who give it!

 

-faith

[Mango88]

Hey FaithDevlin,

 

This guy does have a right to date virgins if he so chooses, but he doesn't need to make non-virgins feel like they aren't worthy of his time. Regardless of the reason for losing one's virginity, the loss or preservation of it shouldn't make or break a relationship interest; that issue really shouldn't come up at all anyway in the beginning. If there are religious reasons as raggedy has pointed out, that's kind of a bummer on his part because there are many non-virgins out there that are the nicest people in the world and would treat and respect a relationship and others. They don't need to be forgiven, as it seems he points out he could "forgive" them.

 

Unfortunately for him, he'll be missing out if he continues to think this way.

 

Mango

[raggedy]

Dont worry about that. Sometimes guys say something but mean another. Also i have met ppl who felt this way but later changed. And it is not binding. Not sure if this help though...

 

 

Right...i should have mentioned that.

 

Yes, it is a religious thing. And it may be an emotional problem. I am glad he told me this...but i am worried too...and his reason for dating a virgin is b/c of marriage.

 

He said, "I feel I'm against the sex before marriage, I feel that if 2 people are truly in love each other, that sex can wait. "

 

So there it is...does that help?

 

i hope so...please let me know and thx for the advice to all who give it!

 

-faith

[babycristy456]

I thinks its fine that he believes what he does...just as long as he does not think he is better than non-virgins or superior to them.

 

He does have a right to date which ever girls he likes, if its virgins, then let it be.

 

If he judges people because they are not virgins, then that's his own problem with himself.

[faeriechyld]

Who does this guy think he is, GOD???? Depending on the circumstances he'll "forgive" them? What the hell??? It's a personal choice. I'm all for true love waits and all, but what's he going to do if he finds someone he claims to truly love and finds out they aren't a virgin??? He'll "forgive" them? That's bs. And you said he'll still date you...it almost sounds like he's "lowering" his standards for you. He shouldn't base his relationship with someone on the fact of whether they are a virgin or not. I mean, is that how he's going to go about finding true love, ask any girl he shows an interest in if they are a virgin or not and then if they aren't, not give them the time of day??? True love waits is normally practiced by two virgins, but I also believe it can be practiced by two people who want to wait in their relationship til marriage to have sex. This guy needs to think about the more important things in life, like honesty, communication and truly loving someone for who they are, not their sexual experience. If I were you, I'd rethink dating him. But, whatever choice you make, I wish you luck.

[za3raa69]

well i live in a country well this is usually a religious thing, although not anymore well some guys think its an honor for the girl theyre dating to be a virgin, in ur case ur still a virgin , i mean technically, u were forced to lose it, which means u werent willing to, i bet wat he meant by dating a virgin is, a girl who doesnt want to lose it, which is just wat u r, u didnt want to lose it and if it was upto u, u would still be a virgin so just cheer up, u must be happy to have a guy who respects u tht much

[quietgrl]

I'm glad i found this thread because this question hits home for me on a nonreligious way.People will alway" judge" virgins and recently ex-virgin on the way they're going to lose their virginity so get use to it.My advice to virgins who don't wait for sex with commitment(LT BF/GF or spouse) if you're proud of your decision.( losing your virgnity without a commitment).Nobody "judgement" should bother you one bit not one bit.These off topic comments that i alway hee" sex with commitment virgins thinking their better then nonvirgin or sex with commitment virgins thinking their god " are excuses.Nobody word should "hurt" you if your proud of your sexual behavior. A virgin who got rape is excluded from this debate because the choice was taken away from them.

I do agree virgin men only wanting to date virgin women is going to be very hard but if you date a sex with commitment virgin..His view are going to be strong so get use to it or move on.

[Luke Skywalker]

As a man, you would like to feel that you are in control, and if a woman has more sexual experience than you do, then you dont feel like "the man". If the guy is a virgin, then how will he feel like "the man" if the girl is a non-virgin?

[melrich]

As a man, you would like to feel that you are in control, and if a woman has more sexual experience than you do, then you dont feel like "the man". If the guy is a virgin, then how will he feel like "the man" if the girl is a non-virgin?

 

If your definition of "a man" is "someone who has sex" then your statement is quite right. But I'd suggest you change your definition.

 

What if she has been sky diving and you haven't? More issues?

 

When 2 people get together there are always going to be things one has done and the other hasn't. To be honest, that sort of thinking is terribly immature. You really should concentrate on who the person is, not how you may stack up against them.

[Luke Skywalker]

If your definition of "a man" is "someone who has sex" then your statement is quite right. But I'd suggest you change your definition.

 

What if she has been sky diving and you haven't? More issues?

 

I'm a virgin myself so I can identify with this guy. I crashed and burned a date I think because I subconsciously rejected my date for being a non-virgin and asked her a question (how many guys she slept with) to deliberately nuke the date. It's a serious matter, because how can you trust her not to cheat on you if she couldn't even wait and just fall for the first guy who turned her on or made her excited. Suppose she meets another guy who makes her exited when the marriage goes stale - what do you think she'll do then? I get very leery of women who just give it to guys who make them exited for a while, act like they are into them, and then they give it easily. These women may go with another guy before the wedding date. Maybe they may meet a guy from the internet or somewhere that excites them more.

Is that the type of girl you want to have?

 

Now, the special circumstance of rape or sexual assault, would be excusable, but I dont really think there is an excuse for any other circumstance. I'm really this judgmental like that guy, which is why I'm even looking at online casual venues to try and lose this type of mentality, because honestly, the only way for me not to be judgmental is if I lose my own virginity and if I were to meet a future non-virgin prospect with serious relationship potential or, yes, it would likely be a deal-breaker.

 

It sounds like this guy is taking a serious stand himself towards his own virginity, then it's fair for him to expect the same. I admire him a bit, I really do. Most people on here may hate me for saying this, but this guy's got something. Giving yourself to someone reflects your character and someone has a right to make a judgment on that, because that's who they will be spending the rest of their life with. If there is a character-flaw or a weak character, in his view, then he has a right to make a judgment call.

 

When 2 people get together there are always going to be things one has done and the other hasn't. To be honest, that sort of thinking is terribly immature. You really should concentrate on who the person is, not how you may stack up against them.

 

Who that person is - that's a question of sexual integrity. A non-virgin doesn't have the same sexual integrity as a virgin has. Again, this guy has the right to make a judgment call if he is a virgin himself, and has the highest state of sexual integrity, then he has the right to select someone who also has the highest state of sexual integrity.

[melrich]

This is a completely different point you are making to the post I commnted on. In that post you said if she was not a virgin and you were, you would not feel like a man.

 

Here you are saying that if she is not a virgin, how can you ever trust her not to screw around on you.

 

That sentiment is even more puerile than the first.

[Luke Skywalker]

Nobody's speaking up for this guy.

 

So far I have raised issues about sexual integrity (i.e. waiting until you meet the right person for marriage), and how a man would feel with less sexual experience than a woman.

 

This guy is entitled for how he feels because he's waited. And anyone who waits for the right person could elect to choose someone who does the same in like since that's a an issue of character. It's only fair.

[quietgrl]

Luke,

 

I'm sorry this virgin "judging" nonvirgin thing is overblown.The only person who can judge your behavior is yourself and if you're bother by a virgin's comment.You need to look at yourself and ask why.Most time a virgin who you feel is "judging" a nonvirgin behavior is probably making a point. This "judging"goes both ways.

Luke please tell me this was a joke"the only way for me not to be judgmental is if I lose my own virginity and if I were to meet a future non-virgin prospect with serious relationship potential or, yes, it would likely be a deal-breaker." Me having sex wouldn't change my mind on virgins having 1st time sex via sex with commitment.Why would sex change your mind?

[melrich]

Nobody's speaking up for this guy.

 

Well I am not sure if your posts are doing a great job of it. According to you his thinking is either because her being a non virgin makes him feel less of a man (poor baby) or her being a non virgin means she is likely to cheat (puerile).

 

Look the guy referred to by the OP is fine , as every other poster has said, if you want to wait for marriage or you only want to date a virgin, no problem. It is when he says something liek "he can forgive a girl losing her virginity to rape'...it is not his right to forgive or not to. Sure he can live his life anyway he likes but don't put value judgements on those who shoose to live differently.

[Luke Skywalker]

Luke,

 

I'm sorry this virgin "judging" nonvirgin thing is overblown.The only person who can judge your behavior is yourself and if you're bother by a virgin's comment.You need to look at yourself and ask why.

 

What are you talking about? We are talking about a virgin ruling out a non-virgin as a marriage prospect and whether or not that's valid.

 

Most time a virgin who you feel is "judging" a nonvirgin behavior is probably making a point. This "judging"goes both ways.

 

Sure, that's what I said. You are preaching to the converted.

 

Luke please tell me this was a joke"the only way for me not to be judgmental is if I lose my own virginity and if I were to meet a future non-virgin prospect with serious relationship potential or, yes, it would likely be a deal-breaker."

 

It wasn't a joke. If I'm a virgin, and am looking for a marriage partner, then character would be an issue, and sexual integrity is part of character. If I'm a non-virgin myself, then I wouldn't have a right to put that sort of tax on relationship prospects, and even if I dont consciously, it will still be there subconsciously or unconsciously.

 

Me having sex wouldn't change my mind on virgins having 1st time sex via sex with commitment.Why would sex change your mind?

 

Each person is different. I look at sex with and without commitment the same. Both are pre-maritial sex.

[Luke Skywalker]

. It is when he says something liek "he can forgive a girl losing her virginity to rape'...it is not his right to forgive or not to. Sure he can live his life anyway he likes but don't put value judgements on those who shoose to live differently.

 

That means he'd date or consider marrying a woman who lost her virginity that way because it's forgivable. It's not a value judgment, it's his criteria.

[melrich]

That means he'd date or consider marrying a woman who lost her virginity that way because it's forgivable. It's not a value judgment, it's his criteria.

 

Whatever you like mate.

[Luke Skywalker]

(sigh) This is another thread bumped up by quietgirl. She's doing a search for virgin threads as old as 3 years old and bumping them all up. Why?

[Cardinal]

As a man, you would like to feel that you are in control, and if a woman has more sexual experience than you do, then you dont feel like "the man". If the guy is a virgin, then how will he feel like "the man" if the girl is a non-virgin?

 

My comments may be tangential, but I can identify with the above lines in at least one way. For me it is about confidence. Call it feeling like 'the man' if you want, but confidence is the real factor (along with ego for some men). Different levels of experience are expected in any relationship and are often no big issue, but different levels of sexual experience can be a much bigger deal for a man.

 

I can recall my line of thinking when I was a virgin. I had no reason to be confident in my ability to satisfy a woman sexually (especially the first time). It is tough to have that when you have no direct experience and are not even sure your kissing technique is acceptable! That can make a shy person or a person with borderline self esteem tilt too far in the wrong direction. Assuming confidence in that condition often just shows arrogance. And for a virgin it can be a really big deal to have an initial partner with little to no experience. Then you can just both learn together.

 

It is exceedingly difficult to explain how much more confident a man can be after having intercourse the first time. It is a very pervasive sort of confidence that can and does extend to many parts of life. You bet you feel more virile, more like a man! You can also feel more confident interacting with women in literally any life circumstance. I know I did! I can easily talk to women and I don't feel shy sexually at all. I know from experience what I can do for them.

 

For a virgin with any self confidence issue, approaching sex with a non-virgin who has a lot more experience certainly can feel like a loss of control. It can be a very vulnerable and disorienting type feeling. I won't speculate on the OP's man's reasons for wanting to date a virgin, but i believe the above quote holds true for many men. In my life, I have certainly felt that way. And I don't consider that I have or had much of an ego to begin with.

[quietgrl]

Luke,

I don't like when things are unfair and balance in a group setting and i'm pointing out what's unfair and balance by bringing up certain threads.I'm making a SERIUOS topic point here especially when it comes to talking about virginity.There is a SERIUOS, SERIOUS unfair balance when sex with commitment virgin talk about virginity in a mixed group setting(virgin and nonvirgin). We can only talk so much before some people bring up the scary "judgment" word so that's a code word.Virgins shut up.

Luke look at your response to me another virgin thread by quietgrl but why aren't you saying the same comment on the other sex thread.Luke we've heard many times teenager needing sex advice,oral sex advice,handjob advice,my man/woman won't please me and STD question.Everybody on the sex and romance section is not saying anything new here but when we talk about virginity.Everybody tired of the virginity thread and i've had 2 enotalone members make comment to me about my post.I've never complain to these 2 enotalone members about their many sex post.I could care less.

Luke i believe in an online forums both side of an issue should be represented and if people can't handle views opposite of their own.tough!!It's not about your personal views or your feeling being hurt.Hey look at me i'm a virgin and i'm posting with sexual active people.Do you see me telling people."Oh gosh not another sex comment"No! I'm keeping it real and speaking up and letting my voice be heard instead of complaining about repeat topics.

Luke thanks(kiss on the side of your face).Your words good or bad on this thread might help a lurker deal with being a virgin or nonvirgin.ok i hope i answer your question.I'm not trying to get you in trouble with other members but i'm trying to show the double stardards.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Anyone who thinks they can judge a person by the state of their virginity is a loser.

[Luke Skywalker]

Anyone who thinks they can judge a person by the state of their virginity is a loser.

 

Wow. What a compelling intellectual argument. So, anyone who chooses who has preferences as to whom they want as friends, girlfriends/boyfriends, signifcant others, or who they choose to marry is a loser then.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Wow. What a compelling intellectual argument. So, anyone who chooses who has preferences as to whom they want as friends, girlfriends/boyfriends, signifcant others, or who they choose to marry is a loser then.

Lets see, ahhhh, yep! Thats what I said! You want to judge someone by their sex life then you have a small mind as to what really constitutes a person. If a guy told me "you're not a virgin so you're not worthy of me", I'd tell him "stick it in your ear".