its been 3 months

[shamus]

3 long months since we broke up. 2 months since she had shown up at my door, wanted to get back together, then played games and backed out, then accused me of having a new lover. 6 weeks since i found out she has a new guy.

 

i cant seem to heal. the pain is still there. i still miss her. her touch, her smile, her laugh. her hair. her eyes. HER.when we got back together in january, she had said to me no one would ever love her like i do, and she is going to surrender her heart and soul to me, and if it doesnt work, at least she tried.

 

yet she met new friends, took the opportunity to dump me after a stupid argument. when she had no one in her life, i was there. things werent perfect, but on new years when she was in the hospital(and we werent together at that point but i was going to spend new years with her because she had no friends to hang with), no one was there for her, not even her mom or sister called her when she was in a bed having tests done. but i was there, holding her hand. yet when we got back together, she still couldnt trust me. as soon as she made new friends, she threw her best friend away. i guess hse showed her true colors

 

i tried to move on, had a brief relationship, but it didnt work, we didnt click. the new girl wasnt my ex. i loved her so. i wish i could have done things different. but she did use me. i hate myself for allowing myself to be played like that.

 

what stings the most is that she probably wont have her mood swings with this guy, probably wont be telling him i;m gonna date others, not gonna commit to monogamy, going online to talk to other guys, yet always accuse me of checking out other girls. i feel he will get the fair chance i never got. that and that she threw away someone who stood by her through the good and the bad, but as soon as "something better" came along(a chance to make friends and date a new guy)...i was cast aside. i admit i wasnt perfect, but i tried. when we got back together and she'd pick fights, i told her i dont want to fight...and id hold off til the next day so we could talk. she'd pick fights over anything, even calling me a f-a-g at the park because i was walking my dog and made conversation with a guy who was a dog owner. when i walked up to her, she began saying did i get his number? oh im g-a-y. and a bunch of other stuff for no reason.

 

i've lost my ability to trust. im afraid to talk to girls now, for fear of being hurt, fear of rejection. i's never known love so deeply before maryann, and dont know if i ever will. yet she always treated me like dirt, and seemed to find nothing wrong with it, yet when i retaliated, i was the bad one. i know we werent healthy, but i thought we could get through anything.

 

i've been hanging with friends, went to vegas 2 weeks ago, been to the gym, been out. still nothing helps.

 

i stayed away from here for a bit, because it reminded me of her, and i thought by going away on hiatus, maybe i could heal. but i realize i am still at a low point. other women dont interest me, so i am not pursuing anything. the desire just isnt there

 

just needing to vent. i feel so alone, but i know now i couldnt fix her, and i think that was my mistake. instead of heeding the signs and the red flags, i tried to stay, to be loyal and not walk out on a friend. but i thank all you who post for me.

[okane24]

Whats up dude. That hurts man. I'm with ya. I haven't seen my ex for 3 months since I left Hong Kong and flew back to Cali. I haven't spoken to her for 2 months. She broke up with me on my bday. I know your pain man. I've tried to do many things to get my mind off her as well. Gym, tennis, volleyball, meeting new girls, drinking, clubbing. It's all helped, but things aren't quite the same, ya know what I'm sayin.

 

I know it's been rough for you but hang in there. Take every day, one at a time. Each day you don't dwell upon your ex and have NC, it DOES get just a little easier.

 

The crazy thing for me is that my ex flies back home to California soon and I'm not sure how to handle her being back. I miss her like there's no tomorrow, but it has gotten a little easier. I know what you mean by saying that other girls don't compare. Every new chick I meet or have an interest in, hardly compares to my ex. There was a reason why I was sooo into my ex, and she's a VERY hard act to follow. Not many girls have what she does..

 

Stay strong man, these girls WILL realize how bad they messed up, and when they come running back, we might not even be around.

 

Good luck and keep posting...it's a great way to vent.

[shamus]

thanks okane

 

yeah it's tough knowing that 6 weeks after she dumped me, when she had said no one understood her like me, loved her like me, she replaced me.

 

but i know i will get over this. will find someone deserving of my love, who doesnt walk out at the first sign of trouble or leave her only friend she had for a year when she has new ones. that showed her true colors.

 

right now it is all about me. i dont need anyone in my life, but i do want someone in my life. i guess i just take it day by day.

 

nc for the last 6 weeks. but i still think of her.

 

i guess i just need a hug. crying actually helps. but i know i am stronger, i just embrace my emotions. i look forward to the day when the pain isnt there, moreso the pain i feel of being left for new friends, that our friendship didnt mean anything.

[teacup]

if you like, i can point out one thing about ur ex that i can see and that i don't like.

 

an obvious lack of sincerity. i dislike people who aren't sincere and honest. why? cuz you can't trust them. EVER.

 

when the good times are good......it can be pretty good. and then when the bad times come around. WATCH OUT. *OUCH*

 

how do you know she won't be like that with the new guy? i think she will. when things are good (aka going her way) they'll be okay. and when things are bad. HE better watch out.

 

i think a lot of the hurt sometimes at the end isn't even how much you miss them but just what happens and how much u wish what happened had happened differently.

 

hey, ur pretty hot in the picture. for a white guy. but mabe u should put on a shirt. heh heh.

 

oh, and the reason why i say these things is because that's what i think about guys that aren't sincere. when the going's good, it can be pretty nice, and then when things get bad (like they lose interest, or u get in a fight, or something goes wrong), they just treat you so bad. i figure it MUST apply to girls as well. it's more worth it to be with someone who is always going to be decent to you, in good times and bad times. that is what i tell myself.

 

and whoa, i just read the rest of ur post. her calling you a fag, going online to talk to other guys, accusing you of doing that? that is SO unacceptable and bad behavior.

 

i think that one day down the line, when you find someone who is nice to you ALL the time, DOESNT pick fights, then you will find love again. i mean, it is far far better to love and be loved, and it REALLY feels good to be treated well by someone. and when that time comes, u'll be able to say to yourself, what happened was for the best, and whatever guy gets her, good luck to him. i can almost guarantee that she will repeat her same behavior in order to get what she wants. (lots of ppl seem to do this i have observed).

 

one more thing, good heavens! pick someone who's good to u and doesnt do say things like that! who doesnt accuse u of cheating or being gay! and who wants to resolve fights.

 

holy cow, i wrote a lot. im on a roll.

[joyce1412]

i agree with teacup. of course you had a great relationship when times were good, everyone wants to stick around with their significant others as long as things are easy and fun. but there ARE women who will want to stick around even when things get hard...that's when you know you have a real relationship. i have yet to find a guy who truly wants to stick around during the hard times...i hear they're out there, though. haha. but i know a lot of loyal women who have stuck with their guys through really difficult times, even when i didn't personally think their struggles were worth it. so yes, there will be a woman who will try like hell to be with you. trust in that.

 

i also agree with teacup that this "moodiness" will continue with your ex. we can never hold other people responsible for our inability to commit or our erratic emotions...so never feel like you are to blame for her actions. maybe you two just aren't right for each other, but even so, you aren't at fault. it sounds like it's just in her character, especially the name-calling and her inability to be monogamous...they both point to her innate immaturity.

[shamus]

joyce-well, here is one guy loyal til the end. i always believed that you stick by your friends and loved ones. i never admitted to being perfect, but i was willing to say "I'm Sorry". maybe you are right we are like oil and water. see us dumb guys will stick it out for a woman we love and care for.

 

teacup-thanks. i guess i could be pretty fly for a white guy, but I'll have to get a shirt. maybe change my picture a little bit. my fair skin makes me my own night-light!

 

and yep, i was called a f-a-g all the time by her, if i talked to a guy at the park, or even once an old man at an art festival(she said i wanted to suck on a lolipop-only in not so nice words)

 

I guess it does come down to all of us wanting to be loved.

i do deserve someone who will appreciate what i can offer, and when the right one comes along, happy days.

 

but right now best for me to be alone.

[kellbell]

Hi Shamus!

 

Long time no see. Okay, you are being too hard on yourself my friend. You were in CONSTANT contact with your ex after you two broke up. She bought the worst out of you by her childish antics and accusatory remarks. THEN you find out she had someone all this time. Yikes dude! Major world of hurt. Betrayl is a very difficult emotion to recover from. I was horribly betrayed by an EX friend many years ago and every now an again, I STILL cannot believe the BS she pulled. When someone betrays a person, he/she is stripped of everything, trust, integrity, all that you knew...gone. One can feel emotionally violated. Very tough things to come to grips with, accept, and finally move on from.

 

Two months, although it seems like an eternity to you, is not that long to recover from what you have been through. Perhaps, in order to begin the healing process and moving forward, forgive your ex. Do not forgive her for her, but for yourself. It can be thought of a gift to yourself as a way to move forward.

 

I would not date anyone right now. I would however, go out and meet other women. Strike up small conversations...just to get out and to boost your confidence. It is very normal for you to be distrustful of others at the moment but there comes a time where you have to let that go. You do not want to bring that baggage into a new relationship down the road.

 

Have you read any books about breakups, sticking to boundries, trust and so forth? Those may help. Have you been working out? Perhaps see a social for a while, just to get some perspective and insight about things. It could not hurt.

 

Give yourself time, I know it sounds trite but time does heal. You will get through this and there will be that morning when you wake up and think wow, I feel better. Hang in there and take care.

[pablovblack]

Hi Shamus!

You will get through this and there will be that morning when you wake up and think wow, I feel better.

 

I had that feeling this morning, it was the first time I have felt like that in 6 long weeks, I'm no where near recovered but Its nice to know that there is some progress there. It will all be good in the long run man, we will meet that someone, we will.

[ElektraHere]

Hey Shamus

 

I am glad to see your back. What you need to do only YOU can have the power to do.

 

You are letting this person have so much power over you. Obviously she didnt care only cared when it suited her best. Do you really want to grant this person power over the rest of your life? Affecting your daily living, your dating life, your mental quiet moments? It seems as though you are in a ditch by the road of life. You start to crawl out and then you grant her the power yet again and slip farther down the ditch. Do you really want to watch everyone and everything pass you by while you sit in this ditch? I think not.

 

You were a great guy in that relationship. You were caring, honest, loving, and forgiving (almost to forgiving). You can at least hold you head high. I doubt she could do the same. We all ruminate over the good times or the the times we bent over backwards to help. Sometimes the things that push us forward is to think of the things that weren't so good.

Granting her this power over you she is winning and you know what she doesnt care. Their are many nice, respectful, caring women out there and your are only looking at the tunnel vision of this one person who showed you none of these things. Its time to look forward and not back put one foot in front of the other and let the shadows of the past fall behind you.

 

If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me you know you are always welcome

[shamus]

kellbell-yes, i've been hitting the gym, reading self help books, even thinking of going to a counselor. I got screwed up pretty bad, thats why i cant date right now. btw, very cute pic

 

elektra-good to see you again! i know there are people out there who will treat me better, but as anyone who has been in an abusive relationship will tell you, the person has this hold on you...thats why people go back so many times. i kept thinking this time it will be different. and when she picked fights with me in jan, i replied "i dont want to fight". I had learned from my past mistakes that arguing back with her only intensified the fire. I even got yelled at by her for not yelling back at her and calling her names. little drama queen.

 

i guess for me, the thing is the betrayal of a friend, moreso than the loss of a lover. she finally made some friends, and blew me off. the person who always stood by her. it makes me wonder how people can be so cruel and not even care. I swear i should write a book about my experiences. I think people would get a laugh about the story of a 50 year old lady talking to me in the swimming pool, and me getting yelled at and accused of hitting on her(then she said well she was hitting on you).

God, i could make some money off of it.

 

i cherish all my friendships, and always put her first, even above my other friends. she never did the same.

 

i am emerging from this hole. i know in my head i am better off, its the heart that wont listen.

i guess i need to learn to not lose the core person who i am, and take time to rediscover and find that guy deep down.

 

keep posting peeps it helps! thanks

[kellbell]

Thanks Shamus! I was bored one day and played with my camera phone.

 

Oh my...I hate to come accross as mean but that story about the 50-year old lady..I chuckled...sorry. Probably because of the tone of how you wrote it.

 

You are realizing the kind of girl she is...not what you thought. That is a good thing. It will help you detatch yourself from her.

 

Hang in there and seeing a social worker may not be a bad idea. Don't be a stranger!

[teacup]

can i point out something? i think where you went wrong wasn't in caring about her, in sticking by her through thick and thin, and being good to her. i think that you were giving these things to the wrong person in the FIRST place. you gave these things to someone who DOESNT value such qualities, and who doesn't appreciate them. by that, i mean, relationships are about give and receive. you give, and you see if they give back. (and pay attention to this early in the relationship).

 

if you are always kind and giving and caring and she is giving you crap, then you pull back and you think....what am i receiving from this? is it love? is it caring? or is she hurting me?

 

took me a long time and learning it the hard way to finally learn to walk away. from my own experiences with bad men: ur not going to be nice to me? nope. walk away. ur going to call me 'shady'? nope. walk away. ur going to accuse me of things i didn't do? nope. walk away. ur going to pick fights and accuse me of being at fault? nope. walk away. ur going to treat me hurtfully, shut me out, not answer my calls, get me to plead, cry, beg? NO. IM RUNNING AWAY.

 

once u start doing this, u refind urself. u start to realize, hey, i deserve something good and that's what i want. and one day im gonna find it.

 

i came out of several abusive relationships. the guys were CRAZY. i thought i would never be okay. but now i realize, you know what? there are people out there will be good to me, men out there that value what i value (honesty, sincerity, integrity, character), and people who want something REAL. and those are the people to go to.

[kellbell]

Well, teacup...the whole point in relationships is learning. Learning what works and what does not. Plus, Shamus's ex led him on for WEEKS before things came out. So, be a little easy on him. LOL

 

Sometimes it takes a great deal of pain to elicit change. So next time, Shamus, you will know what to look for, what you will not tolerate, what you want, what you do not want. All of the experiences arm you with strength, knowledge and wisdom for the next person whom comes along...they prepare the person for the RIGHT parnter, ideally the person's lifelong partner.

[shamus]

kellbell,

the 50 year old lady story was meant to be funny!

 

here's another story: Halloween, I dressed as cupid. Yep, depends, wings, and flip flops. funny as hell. we're hanging out and some buff dude had a similar costume only wearing pants. we are talking. he starts just talking to her mostly, i'm like i dont care, wasnt worried. he asked if he could use some of her glitter to accent his costume, said sure but she's not giving it to him. she rubbed some onhis chest with her fingertips, no biggie. i told her a little later he was hitting on her, she was like, ah he's a dumb meathead. i didnt want to give him my glitter. told her i was a little jealous, but i knew she was coming home with me.

here's a double standard-we're outside on the huge patio, we decide to find someplace to sit...she walks ahead of me, i wanted to put my empty drink glass down, so i did, and this girl said hey nice costume. i replied thanks. she asked me a few questions about it what i was supposed to be. i answered them and said see you later. i had to endure a 10 minute interrogation about how i knew this girl. told my ex, i didn't. she said you never met her? you dont know her? told the ex, nope, have no clue, she justed asked me about my costume. my ex then said how never f'ed her? i said no, dont know who she was. i was asked these questions repeatedly. can you believe that crap?

 

oh i got more stories-like the time she saw a patients business card(she was an acquaintence of mine who i treated for neck pain, and had just got her real estate license), when my ex went through my wallet while i was in the shower. my ex accused me of having her card in my wallet and her number not in my phone so i could call her during my lunch and "meet her". she then yelled at me repeatedly "you're F'ing her!" over and over. in front of her kid no less.

 

i should have seen the red flags a long time ago, or rather, ended it last summer.

i do see the person she is, someone who was accusatory, selfish, immature, and in the end, disloyal and not a friend. why i let her do this to me, i dont know?

telling these screwed up stories helps. my friends say she will just keep repeating this with the new guy, and i need to stop taking care of wounded birds. so true

[teacup]

eh. kellbell, i wasn't trying to break him anymore than he's broken. but sometimes the things that help us best aren't always the easiest to listen to.

 

everything i said was based on my own experiences. took me a long time to learn myself. it's still hard really hard for me when i care about someone to just give up. but then look at the first quote on my signature.

[kellbell]

Oy!!! I think I would rather shave my legs with a lawn mower than go through that! Ouch.

 

Aren't you glad you do not have to deal with anymore? I mean my word...how exhausting! Just keep those things in mind when you feel bad. It is okay to be angry with her. Anger is good that it helps you move on and see the person from whom he/she truly is.

 

You are doing good, hang in there.

[shamus]

teacup- i didnt take it as harsh. you are actually right.

 

kellbell, watch those blades, the razor burn from that could be painful!

 

ahhh...life. that book could be pretty funny

[ElektraHere]

eh. kellbell, i wasn't trying to break him anymore than he's broken. but sometimes the things that help us best aren't always the easiest to listen to.

 

everything i said was based on my own experiences. took me a long time to learn myself. it's still hard really hard for me when i care about someone to just give up. but then look at the first quote on my signature.

 

Hmmmmm......Perhaps you should reread what you wrote.

The irony!

[shamus]

there are still days i go through anger, depression, sadness.

 

i feel so betrayed by someone whom i thought was my best friend...but friends dont abandon one another when "something better comes along" or when times get rough. it showed her true character.

 

one minute, i want to hate her, the next i want to love her. i am so lost. i feel like i will never know love again, and if this wasnt love, how can i possibly handle the real thing?

 

she stole something from me, something i may never ever be able to replace. i lost my smile, my ability to trust, i'm afraid to open my heart up again-and that hurts because i fear i may have shut myself off to the possibility ofaccepting someone into my life while she goes out and parties and has the new guy, like she never cared.

 

why is it that some people can hurt others with no conscience of what they are doing

[kellbell]

"why is it that some people can hurt others with no conscience of what they are doing"

 

 

This is my take on why people can be like that. It is because some people only care ABOUT themselves, he/she thinks he/she is more important. It really stinks and I for one cannot think along those lines but there are many people out there whom do.

[WyseOne]

I have just replied to another one of your posts and I see this one...

 

I know what you mean about the trust thing, it is hard isn't it. I have lost my ability to trust, I had a problem with trust before and lost a very special girl because of it, how the hell am I suppose to trust now? The words she spoke, they were so convincing so real and then within a moment you find out you meant nothing, it was all lies.

[shamus]

yeah,

we spilt in dec, got back in jan. she swore to give me her heart and soul and try.

1 month later i'm dumped. bread crumbs thrown at me hinting at getting back together, yet i was just on the back burner

 

trusting is so tough for me now. gonna be a long time. out at the bars tonight, ugh. hated it. no desire. yet my ex is out partying and screwing around

[WyseOne]

Tell me about it...

 

She went from saying "I want to marry you", "I never thought I would ever meet a man like you" (remember she was a lesbian), "I would eat meet to prove how much I love you" (she was a vegetarian). Within one week of saying all this she ups a goes without any reason besides she met another women.

 

Sucks I tell ya.