Need help now....not much time left!

[Mikerok]

Hello all,

I really need some help. My wife and I have been apart due to geography for the last 1 and a half.(we are military) She recently revealed to me that she had an emotional affair with another women and that she really enjoyed the time they shared together. She also admitted that they kissed once! The problem is that for the first 13 months apart she was really lonely and would constantly tell me that she needed me there with her. I would always tell her that everything was alright and that we needed to stay strong. I should have made more of an effort. About 4 months ago her whole demeaner changed. Limited calls, lack of excitement in her voice, etc. At the 4 month mark she also began a friendship with a gay male. I think that she needed something physically there to aid in her lonliness and with him being gay they ended up hanging at gay clubs and such. We have really been up and down since then but, she has never given up until now! In 3 weeks I will be there. She is really nervous and her friends are to. The girl that she was seeing had since moved to another state and they have not talked according to her. The big problem is this......Now she tells me that she is not happy with me and that she can't deal with marriage. Mind you that we have not been together at all accept 3 visits since our wedding day. Before that we were together for almost 3 years. She tells me that the marriage was a mistake and that she is not sure if she is willing to try to make it work. One day she says yes and that she is sorry and the next she says no and that we will never work. She confides in her friends and has quickly started trusting them even though they have never treated her good and they don't even know me. I told her that I am coming there now....this weekend.....so I can see her. I think that this phone thing is just not working and that she cannot really see how badly I want our marriage to survive and gain strength. She says that she is really ready to give everything up and be single again but, she says that it has nothing to do with me or anything I did. I am really hurting but know that I must fight for the women that I love!!!! She told me today that she loves me but is not "In Love" with me anymore....but, she also said that she really wants to see me this weekend just to make sure. I said that it might not be that easy and that it is going to take alot of work to repair our relationship. This time away has really affected her and I don't know what the friends are telling her but I can tell that they don't respect me. We are 3000 miles away from each other but I just bought a plane ticket to see her and I also bought us a bed and breakfast for 2 nights so that she can get away from her apartment and the life that she has been living. I desperately want her to remember how she felt about me and forgive me for not taking action sooner! She also said that she will know if she still wants to be with me as soon as she sees me in the terminal! Is that possible? What do I need to do? She has always been the type of women that is very naive and does not like to admit she is wrong. So am I! I know that I have to tell her everything right then and there and show her my heart but I just need help. Please help me! Does it seem like it is a lost cause? Thank You very much in advance

[Yvette84]

Wow! I'm so sorry this is happening to you!!! Well I honestyly believe she has ALOT of issues, that she needs to deal with. She is really playing mind games with you. I think there are only 3 solutions. ONE: go to marriage therapy together

TWO a seperation for a while, to give both of you time to think and give HER the time she needs to figure out what to do. ( and also she should seek therapy for herself) But realistically, she sounds WAY to confused and complexed to be in ANY relationship right now. I feel it will only cause you more pain the longer you deal with it. If she says she loves you but is not "in love" with you, then Honestly, there is not much more you can do. I don't mean to be harsh, but she seems somewhat unstable, looking at her relationships, and yo-yo moods. Honestly, you deserve WAY better!!! I know it hurts because you wanna make it work and you love her, but maybe she is not the one. There may be someone out there for you that can give you what you are giving, and make you happy. No one deserves this kind of treatment. Be strong and don't let feelings get in the way.

[NubianLove]

I agree, you cant change her feelings, she can only come to that on her own. I agree she sounds like she's playing mind games, which isnt good at all. Sorry to break it to you, but even after all this, she sounds like she'll still give u the run around. I'd suggest marital counseling 1st, and for her to resolve her internal issues.

[Tigris]

A relationship is bad enough when one of you is in the military never mind two!

 

I don't understand why the two of you are not together? Can't one of you transfer to be with the other one?

 

How old are you two?

[Mikerok]

I will be there for good next month and she is 23 and I am 24. In the fall we will both have another birthday. I just feel like I can't give up on her. I came into this with my head high and I really take my vows seriously and the word of God. In the Bible.....The only reason for divorce is fornication with another person, and still it says it is a last resort. I have to believe that God will pull us through this. I love and cherish her too much to just give up, because that is the easier decision to make. I still want to thank everyone for their input and I am open or else I would not have posted it here.

[Yvette84]

The Bible says ANY adultry is reason for divorce, and she DID commit adultry so....it is allowed by God. And God will only pull you through it if she is WILLING to let God pull you through it, and by her behavior, it doesn't look like that's what she's doing. Don't do this man, my ex was in almost the EXACT position you are in and he stuck it out..and in tyhe long run, he got MAJORLY emotionally screwed up and inturn emotionally screwed me up too!

Maybe it is NOT Gods will for you to be married to her. The Bible says we need to be equally yoked. And you are NOT, so if your going to listen to God's word, then listen to all of it.

[Tigris]

The problem with relationships like this is that you may have been married for years on paper but in reality when you count the time up in total you may have only been together for months!

 

That's what puts the strain on the marriage/relationship.